In the papers today...

Malaysian police have declared that they are now permitted to knock on people's doors and search their houses for pirated discs. People who are caught possessing more than three fakes can be fined up to RM20,000, jailed up to five years, or both, for each disc. People who are caught possessing less than three fakes can be made to watch Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li 27 times. So please stock up.
This story reminds me of: The Raveonettes - Cops On Our Tail (from Whip It On)

A man was hospitalised after a stranger bit off a part of his arm, and then proceeded to chew on it and swallow the chunk. According to the victim, 67-year-old Joseph Lancellotti, the attacker came into his front yard, whacked him on the head and bit about three-and-a-half inches off. The attacker was arrested, but when he identified himself as Simon Cowell, the police subsequently let him go.
This story reminds me of: Pale Young Gentlemen - The Crook of My Good Arm (from Black Forest (tra la la))

Ashton Kutcher has become the first Twitter member to get one million followers on his Twitter feed. The actor beat CNN to the magical number by a few hours, and then proceeded to brag about it by tweeting. That's right, he bragged by tweeting. By tweeting. The macho bugger. Will somebody just pee in their pants right now.
This story reminds me of: Tweet - Oops (Oh My) (from Southern Hummingbird)