Word for the Week: Chinese

Because...

It's Chinese New Year. Oh, look at you wiki. Yes, you with the blue eyes and dimples. Let me tell you the next five things you're going to do. First, after your wikiing, you will read that this year, Chinese New Year fell last Monday 26th January. Second, you will scratch your sweaty crotch wondering why the heck it's still Chinese New Year. Third, you will then scroll down the Wiki page and read that Chinese New Year lasts 15 days. Fourth, you will stop scratching your sweaty crotch, and start smelling your pinky. Fifthly, you will Come back to this site feeling all culturally that, and proceed to deduce that since we are now in the 11th day of Chinese New Year, it is still Chinese New Year, and hence a post like this makes complete sense.

Dumb twat. It's Chinese New Year because on this day 34,045 weeks ago, Emperor Ham Mai Tai discovered the Awesome Angular Armpit maneuver, and pulled it off on 234,566 meerkats. They then bought him a Mogu pillow. That's totally deserving of restarting any year. You and your Wiki. Sheesh. Go swallow some chopsticks.

Grey Anne - Chinese New Year (from Facts n Figurines)
As per her stage name, Anne Adams puts some musky tints on the season's red overload.

Devendra Banhart - Chinese Children (from Cripple Crow)
"If I lived in China, I'd have some Chinese children," says Devendra. And then they'd wish their mummy was Natalie, and refer to you as "Devendla". So think twice, dude.

Clem Snide - Chinese Baby (from The Ghost of Fashion)
Eef Barzelay thinks that Chinese babies say "Boo hoo" when they cry. Oh please; when I cried I said... wait, what did I say again? Oh yes that's right, I never cried. I just snapped necks.

Blur - Chinese Bombs (from Blur)
Can't wait for July.

Word for the Week: Sin

Because...

It's Easter. Easter Schmeaster? Well, Schmeaster feaster, you beaster!

Gomez - These 3 Sins (from Split The Difference)
"We don't want to harm you," insists Ian Ball. With a gooey shuffle like this? Even my cicada need not fear.

Grande - Rhythms of Sin (from Uppers, Downers, Screamers & Howlers)
Kjetil Grande teleports Yuma to Oslo. Dang those Norwegians are clever.

Small Sins - Bullet (from Mood Swings)
A slick swap from D'Arcy's usual electropop leads to this delicate doomsday ditty.

Robot Ate Me - Sin Like Holy Men (from Good World)
Awww shucks, is that you, Envy, huddling in the corner? C'mere and suck my finger.

Iggy Pop - Some Weird Sin (from Lust for Life)
Gramps needs a vice as his licence to chill. He also needs implants.

Happy Chinese New Year

So when those festivities marketing type people go about marketing their festivities, they usually pick the prettiest, most unique entities to represent their particular event to the world. Same goes with Chinese New Year. It's usually a toss between the elegant dragon, the quaint cherry blossoms or the ponytailed brat with 18 pineapple tarts in his mouth.

But for us? It's all 'bout the mandarin orange. The ordinary, unacknowledged, unadorned fruit that will never make the cover of any travel brochure, but which will never be found absent at any family reunion.

Long live the orange. We feel ya, oh stringy one.

Clipse - Chinese New Year (from Hell Hath No Fury)

Word for the Week: Rat

Because...

It's the Year of the Rat. No, it's not International Olivier Martinez Year. Nor are we commemorating the Black Death (unless you're into celebrating the 674th anniversaries of events). It's just one of those Chinese zodiac calendar things. Y'know: food, family, firecrackers, ferrets doing the limbo on your drunk grandma's coffee table, Friar Tuck dripping wax on the Seven Dwarfs' eyebrows while Snow White folds samosas. Boring, tradional stuff, really.

Pearl Jam - Rat (from USA 1994 LIVE)
If Eddie is right, then humans suck more than rats. In which case, my implanted whiskers are lookin' mighty fine now.

Modest Mouse - I Came As A Rat (from The Moon and Antarctica)
Oh I get it! A band with "mouse" in its name was once another like-furred rodent! Just like how Stone Temple Pilots were once powderpuff firemen right?

The Boomtown Rats - Rat Trap (from Tonic For The Troops)
Man, these band-song title associations have gotta stop.

Mogwai - Ratts of the Capital (from Happy Songs for Happy People)
You gotta treat this nine-minuter like a teenager: let him give the silent treatment, because nothing so inherently propulsive can shut up for long.

Outkast - Rats & Roaches (single)
Andre 3000 can't decide which critter he digs more. I vouch for 'em kookarachas; they fit into the samosas better.

Badly Drawn Boy - Year Of The Rat (from One Plus One Is One)
So Damon, ummm... the gongs, yeah I see the cultural reference. The kiddy choir? Sure, why not. But the music box? Did Chairman Mao have a little red one by his bedside that cranked Kylie 24-7?

Celebrating Deepavali

Deepavali. Also known as Diwali, or the Festival of Lights. One of the most important days in Hinduism. Celebrated on the end of the seventh month of the Hindu calendar. In many Asian nations, it is declared a public holiday. Through the day, candles are lit. Houses are open. Mutton, chutney and lassi are the spreads of the day. Everyone is happy.

Pirativali. Also known as the Festival of Seafaring Shitheads In Love, Fluffy and Ready To Spit (which can be abbreviated to FOSSILFARTS). Easily the most important day in Animism, Pastafarianism and the Ancient Mystical Order Rosae Crucis. Celebrated 17 times a year, precisely on every 3rd of the month, plus every time Britney gives birth. Through the day, prayers are made for the reunion of My Bloody Valentine, the reincarnation of Thelonious Monk, and the chance that Zhang Ziyi will feed any one of us strawberries. Baked seahorse is the spread of the day. Everyone is happy.

Dirty Three - Indian Love Song (from Dirty Three)
Music From The World Of Osho - Festival of Lights (from Yes To The River)

Word for the week: Curry

Because...

The Muslim world celebrates Eid Ul-Fitr, otherwise known as Hari Raya Aidilfitri. It's essentially the end of the fasting month. And while everyone acknowledges it as a time for annual family get togethers and filial reconciliation, they all know that the true heart and soul of cultural festivities lies in one thing alone: the food. You go ahead and cosy up to those cultural dances and costumes; just bring me the curry.

Dan The Automator - Fists of Curry (from Bombay the Hard Way: Guns, Cars and Sitars)
Nakamura revisits the soundtracks to India's 1970s crime flicks, and electropops a slice from that era that Bollywood would gleefully adopt today.

Dr Bombay - Rice and Curry (from Rice and Curry)
Jonny Jakobsen's eurodance classic irritates to no end, but promises to reemerge in your dreams amidst those beachside romps with Mallika Sherawat.

Green Curry - ขอให้เหมือนเดิม (unknown album)
According to this site, the above means something along the lines of 'Ask Again'. I feel insanely informed now.

Tim Curry - I'm Going Home (from The Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack)
Even without the visual context, Curry's overblown histrionics here are sufficient to paint a picture of a cross-dressing Dr. Frank-N-Furter delivering a graceful ode to trannies worldwide.

Panda Head Curry - Kongsi Raya (from One Thousand Homo Humpbacks)
The way these cock-rocking Malaysian punkers moan over multiculturalism, you'd have thought it was a bane of humanity. No way! Check out the curry.