B-Side of the Week: Samson

Starflyer 59
Samson (from the Fell in Love at 22 EP)
(Tooth and Nail)

Okay strictly speaking, this is not exactly a B-side.

But I've not exactly been one that's big on 'strictly speaking'.

Cause if I dealt with 'strictly speaking', then strictly speaking I am a half camel, half cheetah hybrid. Yeah, I can run fast and last long in deserts. That and I have a huge hump on my back. Oh wait, it's at the front. Oh wait, that's not a camel hump, it's a ... shit ... what am I?! Oh wait, okay all is fine. I kick ass.

Starflyer 59 - Samson

B-Side of the Week: Winterlong (Neil Young)

The Pixies
Winterlong (from the Dig For Fire single)
(4AD)

I hate songs like these.

You know, songs that just sing to a selected group of people. I mean, what winter do we have at this part of the world anyway. Not that it matters because I have figured out the perfect way to enjoy this song the way it's meant to be - inside my fridge.

Yeah It's a little tight on the elbows but hey, nothing like downing a can of Coke in there to take in the spirit of the song. Just to be even more accurate, I will drink three cans so that it is long.

The Pixies - Winterlong

B-Side of the Week: I Think We're Alone Now (Tommy James & the Shondells)

Spinto Band

I Think We're Alone Now (from the Vivian Don't single)

(Park the Van)

There apparently this story, about a girl named Vivian. Who ran into some guy (me), who somehow got her all alone so that he could sing some cheesy pop song by Tiffany to her on karaoke. At first she said 'don't' but after awhile she was screaming 'for more'. Then she died, presumably from the bad singing. End of story.

Spinto Band - I Think We're Alone Now

B-Side of the Week: Orange Crush (REM)

Editors

Orange Crush (from the Blood single)

(Epic)

Geek: Dude ...

Genusfrog: Yeah?

Geek: First the Track 9, now this? You're a real lazy ass.

Genusfrog: Yeah, I know.

Geek: Have I told you before you're a ninny that wears panties too.

Genusfrog: Yeah you have.

Geek: What do you think about that?

Genusfrog: Damn straight I am.

Editors - Orange Crush (REM)

B-Side of the Week - Going Down

The Stone Roses

Going Down (from the Made Of Stone single)

(Silvertone)

This morning, for some inexplicable reason, I started to feel nostalgic. 

So I called my grandson over and started to tell him stories about his family. How his great, great grandfather came from China by boat, how his great grandfather returned to the motherland as a scholar, how the cultural revolution broke his heart so, and how his grandfather became a red guard to rebel against his frugal father, and how his grandfather's four sons all became red giant water lizards to rebel against their father, and how these four giant water lizards terrorised Tokyo's greater subeterranea while everyone thought Godzilla was the real threat, and how one day a flight attendant crawled into the sewer to hide from Godzilla, and how one of the lizards, upon meeting this flight attendant, decided to jump her from behind because she looked so hot in her Japan Air uniform, and how in the next four minutes, that flight attendant became his grandmother. 

Ah, such good days.

The Stone Roses - Going Down

B-side of the Week - I'm Just Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail

Richard Hawley

I'm Just Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail (from the Born Under A Bad Sign single)

(Mute)

Ladies and gentlemen, this is I'm Just Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail. It's from the Born Under a Bad Sign single. What? Oh, you don't know that record? It's from Richard Hawley. I think it's like his sixth or seventh single. Yeah. Oh, sorry. I shouldn't have assumed. Richard Hawley is the former guitarist of Pulp. Yeah. Ha? What's Pulp? Oh... errr... well, Pulp was this band that had been around since the 1980s but came to mainstream prominence during the mid-90s when they rode the crest of the Britpop wave on the back of their album A Different... ah? Oh sorry. What's Britpop? Well, Britpop... errr... was like, this musical movement that happened in Britain from the early 90s that's characterised by revissionist... wait. Yeah, sorry what was that? What's Britain? Oh Britain is this like country. Well, not really a country, but Britain is made up of four countries, England, Scotland, Wales and.... yes? You got another question? What's a country? Errr.... a country is like a sovereign piece of land, you know, with it's own government. What? What's a piece of land? Well... errrr...... land is like, the stuff under your feet. No, it's not like asadi slippers. No. No. This is a B-side. You know? CD? Music? Rock n Roll? What? Oh lord no. That's next door! This is Pirates of the Bargain Bin. Bargain. Yeah. Next door. I think you only start at four o'clock. Yeah. No, it's ok. That's fine. Have a good session. 

Bastards.

Richard Hawley - I'm Just Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail

B-side of the Week - Vicar In A Tutu

The Smiths

Vicar In A Tutu (from the Panic single)

(Rough Trade)

I've been doing a bit of research recently about animal rearing laws in French Guyana and I found this in the Transportation, Farm & War Animal Tax & Duties Act 1971:

"Section 1091P(2)(a)

The acquiring of the following beasts is not exempt from GST if the acquiring is for private purposes and for the purposes of dairy produce, meat, and farming labour:

(a) long-haired Mexican cows

(b) short-haired Mexican cows

(c) goats

(d) white sheep

(e) black sheep

(f) buffalo

(g) Anggora rabbits

(h) dwarf rabbits

(i) ferrets

(j) uruk hai

(k) ducks, and

(l) geese."

Did you see that? Did you see that? I know, I can barely believe my eyes! Ducks! How will I ever set up my duck farm in French Guyana now that I've to pay GST for selling them for the purposes of farming labour? Rubbish! Useless country! I hate! I hate!

The Smiths - Vicar In A Tutu

Faux B-Side of the Week: Avalanche, Oh Avalanche!

Gregory & The Hawk
Avalanche, Oh Avalanche! (from the Boats And Birds EP)
(FatCat Records)

I have a friend who has a van, and in that van there's a cd player. And inside that cd player, there's a girl. And inside that girl, there's another girl. Now let's assume that the inner girl eats porridge every Tuesday and mackerel on alternate Monday nights, and there are five Mondays in March 2009. Let's also assume that the outer girl likes to dance the polka but is disallowed from doing so on odd-numbered dates by her oppressive step-father. Suppose also that the van is travelling at 90km per hour on the Lebuhraya Utara Selatan back and forth from Nilai to Batu Pahat for 30 days starting 15th February 2009.

1. On what day and date do the two girls intersect while respectively eating mackerel and dancing the polka?

2. What is the nearest small town to this occurance?

What, you have no clue?

Bah. My two-year-old figured this one out. Huh? Of course not, what do you mean kids? No, I've got no kids. What, the two-year-old? That's not a kid. That's a supercomputer. You don't talk about your computers like that? My lord, you're indeed a depraved species.

Gregory & The Hawk - Avalanche, Oh Avalanche!

Faux B-Side of the Week: Vintage Future

The Raveonettes
Vintage Future (from the Sometimes They Drop By EP)
(Vice Records)

There are six reasons why in the future everybody will dress up like vitamin c pills.

1. People are already dressing up like vitamin c pills.
2. Thirty years ago, everybody also dressed up like vitamin c pills.
3. My nurse dresses up like vitamin c pills.
4. Vitamin c pill dresses are easy to take off, which, if you're a chick in my immediate vicinity, matters.

But you know what? These things don't really matter to me because I can see through what you're wearing anyway. Cotton? Blah. Polyester? Pieceofcake. Synthetic rubber wet-suit glistening with mid-afternoon raindrops? Boh-ring. So really, you might as well give up now. Yeah, darling. It's pointless. Ah yes. Clever girl.

The Raveonettes - Vintage Future

B-Side of the Week - I'm Sticking With You

The Decemberists

I'm Sticking With You (from the Days Of Elaine single (which is from the Always The Bridesmaid: The Singles Series collection))

(Capitol)

Behold. The second part of The Decemberists' trilogy of singles yields us this majestic rare cut of a b-side! Behold the wonder! Prepare yourself for Meloy Magnificence! Stand back and witness the unveiling of...

What? They're not singles? But there are only two tracks. Wikipedia says what? Collectively an EP? How do you collect three... nevermind. Anyway, I reveal to you now, the great... what now? What do you mean that means it's not a b-side. This is my... look what's your problem? I know if it's on an EP then it's not officially a b-side. Look, can I get on with my job please?

I present to you, from The Decemberists' Always The Bridesma... WHAT IS IT NOW? What do you mean not a rare cut. When did I say it was a rare cut? I didn't say rare cut. What's your problem? Yes, I know that it's all over the internet. That's where I got it from and that's where I'm putting it back on. What? No, it's not a completely pointless exercise. Sorry what was that? Oh you're damn right I am. Am damn proud of what I do here.

The Decemberists - I'm Sticking With You

[BUY]

B-Side of the Week - Breathe Into Glass

Asobi Seksu

Breathe Into Glass (from the Me & Mary 7" single)

(Polyvinyl)

I've dated six Japanese girls before, and each of them was exactly like my six favourite things about Japanese food. 

The first girl, Hiroko, was exactly like raw salmon. She was orange all over and liked to wear pinstripes. The second girl, Minami, was a lot more like soba noodles. She was long and cold and smelled like soya sauce. After that, I dated a girl called Ayako, who was a lot more like those little red octopuses, because she had little round boils on all her legs.  Then there was Fujiko, who will always remind me of inari, perhaps because I tied her up in a gunny sack once and forgot to let her out for three days. Which leads me to Mikazuki. Every time I eat kobe beef, I remember how marbled she was. And finally, Shizue, who will eternally remind me of Asahi beer because she's the daughter of the owner of Asahi beer.

What? What do you mean that doesn't count? Oh. Ya, she also smelled like vomit.  

Asobi Seksu - Breathe Into Glass

B-Side of the Week - O New England

The Decemberists

O New England (from the Valerie Plame single (which is from the Always The Bridesmaid: The Singles Series collection))

(Capitol)

There was once a man called Meloy

Who spent all his cash on a toy

But once in December

He couldn't remember

Ok this limerick thing really isn't working. I hate this damned life as a handsomely-paid handsome blogger. Sucks to the sky.

You know, en route to graduating from writing school with first class honours, they told me that good writing needs to have dynamics. Dynamics my underwear. I've since discovered that the best pieces of writing have only one thing in common and it's not dynamics. No, not poetry. No, not verbosity. No, no, not even good grammar. Sorry, come again? Yes, that's it. How did you guess? Oh you didn't guess? You discovered it the hard way too? Yeah. I totally agree. Yeah. Exactly, oh my god. You're right. Hahhaa. Oh, coffee? Umm... I don't usually, well... I'm more of a tea person. But... oh, hahaha, how silly of me. They would, wouldn't they. Alright then. Yeah. Oh, no. I got nothing on till like, tomorrow morning.

The Decemberists - O New England [BUY]

B-Side of the Week - G-Surf

The Bookhouse Boys
G-Surf (from the Tonight single)
(Black Records)

Oooh. The Bookhouse Boys are so smart. They think that just because they are a surf band, they can put a G in front of their genre and pass it off as a song title. Well, I got news for you nanoplets. I've got a stockpile of 7" cuts with a lot of G in them as well.

Yeah. You bet I do. Lemme see...

G-rock, G-emo, G-pop, G-rap, G-trance, G-trash, G-twee, G-garage, G-folk. G-jazz.

See. Aren't I smart? Heck, if you dig a bit further, you'll realise that I'm the one who put G into everything we know to be household and commonplace today. Like Gmail. And Gstring. And Gzombies. And Gmutantdogs. And Gmariachis. And Ghad. And Gina Gershon.

Yeah baby.

The Bookhouse Boys - G-Surf

B-Side of the Week - Be My Baby

Glasvegas
Be My Baby (from the It's My Own Cheating Heart That Makes Me Cry single)
(Sane Man)

Q: If a pirate met another pirate, and he greeted that pirate by saying "Pirate! Pirate pirate pirate!" and the other pirate replied with a raised hand and said "Pirate Pirate! Pirate pirate pirate pirate, but pirate pirate pirate pirate pirate?". What would the first pirate's answer be?

A: Glasvegas is the best thing to happen to 2008.

Yep, it's clear-cut. That's what the first pirate would say. Why? Because if you study the syntax of the second pirate's question, when he says "Pirate pirate pirate pirate, comma, but..." he is clearly framing his dependent clause before, and not continuous with, the proceeding clause, "pirate pirate pirate pirate". In fact, it is these linguistic nuances that make pirate language so complex, but ever so fulfilling. Take for instance, if the comma before the "but" was removed, then clearly, the correct response of the first pirate would have been "Ana Ivanovic has a sexy backhand".

Glasvegas - Be My Baby

B-Side of the Week - Song #9

Sunny Day Real Estate
Song #9 (from the Thief, Steal Me A Peach single)
(One Day I Stopped Breathing)

Steal A Peach in 15 Simple Steps
by Genusfrog

Step 1: Want a peach. You gotta want it, my friends.
Step 2: Locate it. No peach, no theft.
Step 3: Mount tree. Yes, you have to climb the damn thing.
Step 4: Pluck it.
Step 5: Descend tree. The theft is not really complete till you exit the premise.
Step 6: Send to lab. You need to know if it's a peach before you can say you've stolen "a peach".
Step 7: Go to the Caribbean with Ana Ivanovic.
Step 8: Climb the Andes with Ana Ivanovic.
Step 9: Surf in Hawaii with Ana Ivanovic.
Step 10: Return home and call the lab.
Step 11: Determine authenticity of "peach".
Step 12: Put in papers to officiate theft of said peach.
Step 13: Go to Kazakhstan prairies with Ana Ivanovic.
Step 14: Trek Moroccan dustlands with Ana Ivanovic.
Step 15: Stop for a drink and eat peach with Ana Ivanovic.

Sunny Day Real Estate - Song #9

B-Side of the Week - Falling Down

Oasis
Falling Down (Chemical Brothers Remix) (From the The Shock Of Lightning single)
(Big Brother)

Ahh... what are the odds of this week's b-side being some breaking new b-side from a yet-to-break single from Oasis? I ran down to my local bookmaker and asked them, and they gave me a 1-100,000,000 odd.

Blimey, that's about the same odds that they're giving me to score six back-to-back dates with the entire starting Russian women's volleyball team on the eve of their gold-medal game. That's also about the same oods they're offering for me to wrestle a bear and give it a suplex from the top turnbuckle while remembering all the words to Tom Jones' Delilah. And that's about the same odds as me discovering a cure for Fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva on a budget of RM5.50 per month while doing night shifts for both 7 Eleven and my neighbourhood Shell station. Or about the same odds they're giving for me to break into twenty houses in five different suburbs at the same time and stealing, from the respective 20 houses, one tv, one dvd player without RCA cables, a DVD of Wong Kar-Wai's Fallen Angels with English subtitles, RCA cables from another house, and the entire Beatles catalogue, one album from each house, and make a getaway within 200 seconds.

So there I stood at my local bookie, staring down and all those bets, and all I had was five dollars. So I did the only rational thing - I spent it on wantan mee.

But on my way home, I met the entire Russian women's volleyball team and we had dinner, sitting back-to-back. Then we went to 7 Eleven for slurpees and I ended up helping my buddy there from 9 to 10. Five minutes later, I was in a ring with a grizzly bear, suplexing him from the floor, the first rope, the second rope, the top rope and all four turnbuckles. Lousy bear refused to sing along to Delilah. I trudged down to the chemist later, scraped off the bear blood mixed with Genusfrog skin cells from my fingernails and within twenty seconds the Fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva virus came out negative in the test tube. Two hours later, I stopped for gas and ended up at Shell doing the 2am to 3am turn. By 5.02am, I had successfully multiplied myself into 21 different Genusfrogs and proceeded to move into five different suburbs, whereupon I orchestrated a simultaneous 20-house burglary that yielded me a plasma tv, a dvd player, rca cables, Wong Kar-Wai's Fallen Angels in King James English subtitles and the entire Beatles catalogue downloaded from internet connections in 16 different houses. We were out before 5.04am.

It's six in the morning now. I got nothing to do so here's the Chemical Brothers remix of the new Oasis album track Falling Down. It's a b-side off the upcoming single of The Shock Of The Lightning.

Now I know what you're thinking. If I'd placed a dollar on each of those bets, I'd have five hundred million now. You stupid moron. You have no clue how good that wantan mee was.

Oasis - Falling Down (Chemical Brothers Remix) [BUY]

B-Side of the Week - Nine Years

The Black Angels
Nine Years (from the The First Vietnamese War single)
(Light In The Attic Records)

The Black Angels are supposedly a psychedelic rock band from Austin Texas. Right. That's before you read the next ten sentences on their Wikipedia entry, which gradually reveals to you that they toured for two years with The Black Keys and Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, and their debut LP is likened to the noise made by Canadian indie rockers Black Mountain, who after a bit of investigation, is discovered to be associated with Vancouver outfit Black Halos.

Having fed all this into my stupendous brain, it seems plainly clear then that The Black Angels aren't in fact a psychedelic rock band from Austin Texas, but a three-headed she-wolf with the body of a tortoise, a species all too common in North American suburbs but, in my 9-years-at-National Geographic opinion, also all too often mistaken for psychedelic rock bands. But this one's a beauty. Just look at the way those wolf heads snap at each other. Ah, the joys of nature.

The Black Angels - Nine Years [BUY]

B-Side of the Week - Hurtin

Johnny Thunders
Hurtin (from the You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory single)
(Real Records)

Let's see what we got in the b-side bag today.

Ooh look. It's something old. Not just old, no, this is oldskool. Yeah, that's right. Oldskool punk Johnny Thunders rompstomps down his New Yorkan sidewalk with this b-side Hurtin. This one comes off the more iconic punk ballad single, if you can ever call anything a punk ballad, called You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory.

Which I think is bollocks. I mean, heck, I've put my arms around lots of things. I've put them around great big oak trees, the jaws of a rabid crocodile, the burning exhaust valve of a 16-wheeler, three adult wolves, seven dead bisons, 29 supermodels, 3,775 bottles of beer, a nanocluster of the AIDS virus, scud missles, a really big cactus and Angela Lansbury.

Just wait till he sees my arms. I'll show Johnny Thunders I can put them around any damn thing I like.

Johnny Thunders - Hurtin

B-Side of the Week - Carnaby Street

The Jam
Carnaby Street (from the All Around The World single)
(Polydor)

Paul Weller must have a thing for naming music after addresses. He had that solo album called Stanley Road and now I've dug up this b-side from The Jam's heyday called Carnaby Street.

But as way back as the early 1930s, I had already released a 7" blues record called Jalan Gajah Mati. Well before the war broke out, I already had the gold hit Jalan SS2/15F playing out of every radio in Malaysia. And the post-war boom saw successive releases of my double-disc concept album Lebuhraya Utara Selatan (disc one was Utara, disc two was Selatan) and the regional top 10 single Unit 3A-3A.

So apart from the abundantly obvious double truths that Malaysians can do whatever the Brits can and that I've had a brilliant career, this also puts to rest any further doubt that panda bears are in fact insects. I saw one with six legs the other day. Damn thing flies like a jet I tell you.

The Jam - Carnaby Street

B-Side of the Week - Wrote For Luck

Manic Street Preachers
Wrote For Luck (from the Roses In The Hospital single)
(Epic)

Somebody once told me that there's no such thing as luck.

Well, there was once I walked to the mall and as I stepped onto the escalator, I found a vintage RM1000 note. Then I went to the food court and they were having lobster minute, where they give away RM88/kilo lobsters at 88 cents for 60 seconds. No one was there. I took twenty lobsters. Then I went to the designer store and the guy at the counter mistook me for an actor and told me that the suit from last Tuesday is ready for fitting. "And you left your hat, sir", he said. I walked out with everything in tow. And then I went to the supermarket and all these bells started ringing and they told me I was customer number 726 and that customer number 726 had 300 seconds of supermarket sweep action for me to reel the cart around like a frantic child and take things for free. So I was thinking, this must be my lucky day.

And then I fell into a hole and broke my leg. And then someone stole my vintage RM1000 note and i vomitted all the lobster onto my shiny suit and stetson hat. In a mad rush, shoppers swarmed around me and picked apart my supermarket sweep. It was horrible. All except for the lobster vomit. I swear, lobster vomit tastes just like lobster pre-vomit. No wonder they cost so much.

Manic Street Preachers - Wrote For Luck [BUY]