Thursday, September 25, 2008

B-Side of the Week - Be My Baby

Be My Baby (from the It's My Own Cheating Heart That Makes Me Cry single)
(Sane Man)

Q: If a pirate met another pirate, and he greeted that pirate by saying "Pirate! Pirate pirate pirate!" and the other pirate replied with a raised hand and said "Pirate Pirate! Pirate pirate pirate pirate, but pirate pirate pirate pirate pirate?". What would the first pirate's answer be?

A: Glasvegas is the best thing to happen to 2008.

Yep, it's clear-cut. That's what the first pirate would say. Why? Because if you study the syntax of the second pirate's question, when he says "Pirate pirate pirate pirate, comma, but..." he is clearly framing his dependent clause before, and not continuous with, the proceeding clause, "pirate pirate pirate pirate". In fact, it is these linguistic nuances that make pirate language so complex, but ever so fulfilling. Take for instance, if the comma before the "but" was removed, then clearly, the correct response of the first pirate would have been "Ana Ivanovic has a sexy backhand".

Glasvegas - Be My Baby

Friday, September 19, 2008

Look what I found in the bargain bin

It's Never Been Like That

Price: AUD$7.00

That's a god-awful cover. I mean, it's about as butt ugly as my butt, which isn't very ugly at all but it rhymes. The matter is only made worst by the fact that the band has decided to hang one of their band members upside down on the cover. I mean what kind of people would do that to someone that shares a stage with them, and possibly three day old burritos?

Oh they are French? Okay makes all the sense. Why? Cause of Zinedine Zidane. While other more pant-ass ninnies chose to tackle people and swear, the man decided that headbutting was very necessary. And last I checked, hanging people upside down is only the next step from headbutting, followed by shaving the skin off your armpits with a Katana blade.

Phoenix - Courtesy Laughs (from It's Never Been Like That) [BUY]

Word for the Week: Pirate


It's Talk Like A Pirate Day. And since we're the epitome of everything a pirate should be, who better to give proper lessons on how to talk like a pirate than us? So you ready? Pen? Notepad? Eye patch? Girl on the plank? Good. Let's get started. Repeat after me:

My name is [insert name].

I am [insert age] years old.

I have two dogs, three cats and a gerbil.

I like peaches.

Good. Yeah, I know it's tough to talk like a pirate. But heed our advice, keep checking your notes, and go do something useful this weekend. Test on Monday.

Mojo Nixon - Pirate Radio (from Root Hog or Die) [BUY]
Banjos, harmonicas, "scalliwags" and "mateys"; Mojo Nixon had to be inspired by my family's new year's eve do.

Ben Folds - Pirate Joke Song
In under two minutes, Ben elicits uncontrollable laughter, engages his falsetto and even doles out a jazz piano solo. That's so pirate.

mr. Gnome - Pirates (from Deliver This Creature) [BUY]
A quick listen to this wailing cruncher of a song would make any first mate jump ship and swim all the way to Cleveland.

Ben's Bitches - Peter The Pirate (from National Disservice)
Malaysia's token cock rock jocks celebrate piracy at its cheap-ass grimiest. That's before they saw me in my Hugo Boss undies.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

In the papers today...

The price of oil has fallen below $100 a barrel. This commodity hit as low as US$94.13 yesterday, before settling at US$97.03. It marks the first time that oil has passed that price threshold since February, and signals a more than US$50 drop since it touched its peak of over US$140 a barrel in July. Experts attribute the fall to the recent spate of hurricanes going through the Gulf Of Mexico. But then Tony Danza came out of hiding to confess that he had switched from hair gel to Vitalis hair tonic, so global demand dropped by one-third.
This story reminds me of: Cocteau Twins - Oil Of Angels (from Four-Calendar Cafe) [BUY]

Malaysian reporter Tan Hoon Cheng created history by being detained for the shortest time under Malaysia's controversial Internal Security Act. The Chinese press reporter was arrested on Friday night, but was released 18 hours later (usual detentions last around two months). The official statement given as the reason for her arrest was that her life was under threat, and hence the cops took her in to protect her. Turns out the cops had a point; human rights watchdogs reported that they uncovered little Tommy To in there too, who had been graciously taken in after Bob the Bully threatened to pee on his pineapple tarts.
This story reminds me of: Gomez - Get Myself Arrested (from Bring It On) [BUY]

A computer game called Muslim Massacre has incited mass protests for its xenophobic content. The game, which can be downloaded for free, puts a player in control of an "American Hero", whose objective is to "wipe out the Muslim race with an arsenal of the world's most destructive weapons." The game's developers have defended it by claiming that is meant to be a taken tongue-in-cheek, but many are clearly not amused. Pacman and Donkey Kong even came out to make statements that they were not amused. Luigi woulda joined them, but when he heard Mario wasn't gay, he decided to stay home and read Margaret Atwood novels.
This story reminds me of: Jewel - Foolish Games (from Pieces Of You) [BUY]

Monday, September 15, 2008

Fad of the Land: Musinaut

The suffix "naut" is used to describe someone who explores. Following such logic, I'd like to give this most essential English lesson to explain how such a linguistic tool is used. After going through this, you will have no choice but to agree with me that English is thoroughly fascinating, and that I am W.H. Auden reincarnated. Call me the Audster. I drive an Audi. Hyuk hyuk.

Musinaut - An explorer of music. Although apparently, it's also a site that allows users to pretty much "DJ" a song by dragging and dropping various beats, harmonies or artistes into the same song, thus instantly allowing the listener to hear different versions of the same song. That's kinda like exploring music I guess. But no rubber suits, sadly.

Astronaut - An explorer of Astro. And I'm not talking about that Malaysian satellite company; I'm talking about that little decoder device they give everyone. It's a freakin' other world, dude. The other day on a voyage I discovered Pluto's little brother, Puffer. Shy little bugger.

Juggernaut - An explorer of juggers. Y'know, those 54-year-old grannies who run every evening dressed in tops specially stitched to maximise the exposure of all their saggy bits? Yeah, jugging causes at least three accidents a day round my 'hood. Scray sport. Totally needs exploring. And totally needs rubber suits.

Argonaut - An explorer of Aragon. His pals call him Argon for short (some sissy term-of-endearment crap). Anyways, the king of Gondor has accumulated 50 kilos and 20,000 maids ever since peace came upon the land. He's a fat lazy fart now. And Arwen has got it on with an Ent. Heaps to explore there.

Cannot - An explorer of cans. Ignore the spelling discrepency. Just letters, mate. Just letters.


The Explorer's Club - Safe Distance (from Freedom Wind) [BUY]

Friday, September 12, 2008

Word for the Week: Disease


Since we're perpetually on the topic of getting sick these days, why not reinforce it by talking about it more. That's how you get over something, isn't it? Like the other time I was hooked on morphine, so I decided to cure my addiction by calling the hospital everyday to get them to read me the labels on all their morphine bottles. Worked like a charm. To this day, I've never touched a drop of morphine. And I make excellent coke cookies.

Ben Lee - Catch My Disease (from Awake Is The New Sleep) [BUY]
Ex-Mr Claire Danes celebrates his own shallowness, and love for Good Charlotte, and then urges his darling to follow suit. No wonder Claire kicked him out.

Erlend Øye - Symptom Of Disease (from Unrest) [BUY]
When a KOC member wants to boogie with you while exchanging musings about the bits of life he isn't sure about, you know those salsa classes didn't go to waste.

Hooverphonic - Shake The Disease (from For The Masses) [BUY]
So, evidence here suggests that Belgians are pretty savvy at sexifying Depeche Mode's adrogynous synthpop. I wonder what if they'd have a similar effect on keroncong.

matt pond PA - Graves Disease (from Emblems) [BUY]
Matty boy offers some indie daddy advice: don't get caught in the cold. But really, he was really trying to tell you not to let anyone find out you like Good Charlotte. Ben Lee shoulda listened.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The Sick Sick Six: The Progression of Sickness

Being sick doesn't just happen overnight. Take it from us Pirates, because these days, that's all we ever seem to be. Fever, nausea, headache, giddiness, etc. So, in the midst of being consistently sick, we've gained a smidgen of experience about the whole dysfunctional body business. And what we learn, we always like to share. Unless we learn how to clone Zhang Ziyi. Which we're pretty close to doing, I'll have you know. Just gotta touch up the wushu DNA strand a smidgen, then she'll make a great dishwasher.

Bishop Allen - Little Black Ache (from Charm School) [BUY]
It always starts with a little black ache, right? And no, they're never pink or lilac; always black. Bacteria bathe in liquorice juice.

Azure Ray - Fever (from Azure Ray) [BUY]
Aches soon turn into fevers, and that's when Panadol is supposed to come in handy. Take two, heat up the oven, chop the chives and... what do you mean, you can just swallow them with water? You never had Panadol Souffle? Weirdo.

Wolf Eyes - Black Vomit (from Burned Mind) [BUY]
Soon, the bug moves from the head to the tonsils, and once more, them black suckers make an appearance. No need to panic just yet; puke is said to be rich in vitamin E.

Bjork - Pneumonia (from Volta) [BUY]
At this stage, you're probably thinking, hospitalisation right? And you'd be thinking right. Because nothing screams frosty smells and daggy robes like a wailing Icelander.

Mercury Rev - Sweet Oddysee of a Cancer Cell T' Th' Center of Yer Heart (from Yerself Is Steam) [BUY]
So you're checked into St Mary's, and doc tells you that the little black ache is actually a cancer-churning dunce of a bug. You know what's coming next, don't you? Yup, nurses in miniskirts scrubbing your hairy bum. Always happens. Life rocks.

Liars - The Other Side of Mt Heart Attack (from Drum's Not Dead) [BUY]
So things can only head one of two ways: you get better, or your heart decides to screw you over. If the latter is more impending, then please shave your bum. They say it helps the angel wings stick better. If it's the former, go give your mum a kiss, then come feed me cherries.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Fad of the Land: Nick and Norah's Infinite Widget Builder

So you got a film about a band guy who dates a gal and they go hunting for a band in a secret gig. And your film has got the word "playlist" in it. And your film stars the skinny dude from Juno. And your film has appearances by Davendra Banhart and Brooklyn band Bishop Allen.

So of course, the logical marketing tie is to do something mondo hip, right? Something like allowing users to create their own playlists and link them to their sites as widgets, right? And then something like allowing users to share their mondo hip playlist widget with their mondo hip buddies right?

Wrong. So totally wrong. Haven't you read page 340 of the Dummies Guide to Marketing Hipster Films? Cos if you have read it, you'd totally know that the key to marketing a hipster film is to buy a pamelo orchard, feel it to a farm full of alpacas, and then sell top-of-the-range alpaca meat to me. It's quite shocking that you don't know stuff like that, you know. Our education system needs major work.


Queens of the Stone Age - Infinity (from The Secret History of Q.O.T.S.A.)

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

In the news today...

Apple has finally acknowledged that the iPod was in fact invented by someone else other than them. As part of their defense against a patent lawsuit, the company have acknowledged that a 52-year-old man first invented a very similar music storage device over 30 years ago. Nevertheless, the inventor will not see any of the billions in revenue that the iPod has generated for Apple. Maybe if he asks nicely, he might get a 25 millisecond cameo in the next Pixar movie.
This story reminds me of: Biffy Clyro - Joy.Discovery.Invention (from Blackened Sky) [BUY]

A new book alleges that famous children's author Roald Dahl was in fact a British spy who had numerous sexual encounters with American women while he was stationed there in the 1940s and 50s. According to letters and documents, Dahl's conquests included Millicent Rogers, the heiress to a Standard Oil fortune, and Clare Boothe Luce, the wife of Time magazine founder Henry Luce. A day after this revelation, Willy Wonka came out with a statement insisting he and Charlie were "just friends".
This story reminds me of: Libretto - The Novelist (from Disc:losure)

The team of producers responsible for the TV series The Office are getting together to pen a new script for Ghostbusters 3. The writers have been commissioned by Columbia Pictures to reunite Harold Ramis, Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd and Ernie Hudson for the third instalment of that famed 1980s action comedy flick. The Marshmallow Man has also been ordered to stop his Atkins diet and put back those 100 pounds he lost in a random effort to restore his self-esteem. No word on whether he'll comply.
This story reminds me of: Run DMC - Ghostbusters 2 Theme (from Ghostbusters II Soundtrack) [BUY]

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Motley Crue's The Saints Of Los Angeles Tour is 'busting' into town

We are not sure if Tommy Lee's drum will rotate on a riser. We are not sure if they will play 'Home Sweet Home'. We are not sure if Vince Neil can still hit those notes he could so easily reach 20 years ago. We're not sure if Mick Mars is going to heave over and bite the bullet tomorrow. Heck, we're not even sure if there's going to be any decent music on display here.

What we DO know is that there will definitely be a ton of hot busty blonde chicks backstage. How do I know? Just look at their ex-wives man. The taste buds are clear. And while most of us are not a member of any VIP exclusive club or a member of any press important enough to warrant a backstage pass, just the thought of them likely being backstage should be enough to compel you to buy a ticket to cop a peek.


Date: October 16
Venue: Fort Canning Park
Tickets: $140 (for Earlybird from Sept 8 – 22), $150 (Sept 23 – Oct 15) and $160 on day of show.

Tickets will be available at Sistic.

Motley Crue - Home Sweet Home (from Theatre of Pain) [BUY]

Ash Live in Singapore, 2nd October at Fort Canning Park

Yes, the purveyors of Irish punk are coming.

Tim Wheeler has carved a decent career for himself from writing silly pop punk tunes in the 90s to graduating to Bacharach's school of ballad writing in the early 2000s. And the man can write them catchy tunes (remember 'Angel Interceptor'? I don't but I remember the guitar tapping during the solo).

Anyways considering the legacy, the songs, the prospect of a riotous rock party, I have decided that I won't go. Why? Because the cute chick guitarist has left the band apparently. And if there's one thing my momma thought me it's that things that chicks leave, you should always stay away from. I could never understand why but you should never question your mother.

For more info on the show, go here

Ash - Folk Song (from Nu-Clear Sounds) [BUY]

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Word for the Week: Fever


A striped six-legged blood-sucking vampire the size of a world war two tank crawled up Pantsy's back and devoured half of his neck. And so the lad is out cold. With dengue fever. However, early reports show that lying in bed with a temperature and only half a neck is helping him score with hot medical aid girls.

Iron & Wine - Fever Dream (from Our Endless Numbered Days) [BUY]
Samuel Beam lulls the forehead into believing that Greenland is the new Tunisia. Except that Tunisia these days is full of air-conditioned malls, refrigerators, ice cubes and girls from Stokholm.

Bright Eyes - A Spindle, A Darkness, A Fever and A Necklace (from Fevers & Mirrors) [BUY]
Take two Panadols, turn off the fan and listen to this trembling, fragile number as you commence your afternoon's recuperation nap. If it doesn't heal you, hide in a blackened room and try to remember some kind of childhood trauma. Works for me every time.

Dengue Fever - We Were Gonna (from Escape From Dragon House) [BUY]
When western medicines fail, I turn to eastern alternatives. And by alternatives, I really mean Cambodian funk indie. I swear, in five years, the whole medical community is gonna be raving about Khmer pop. There's just nothing quite like fighting dengue fever with Dengue Fever.

Gig-gles: My Little Airport - Live in Malaysia, 30th August

I am convinced now that much of a band's musical success has little to do with the actual music they play. Granted that this band of HK twee darlings were more than capable to the task of churning out their lovely pop anthems but I'm talking about the kind of success that transcends the music. The kind where it captures the imagination of the audience they play for, imploring them to think about bigger things rather than the extra chocolate-coated doughnut they ate in the afternoon.

That kind of creative success my friends, lie in the fabric of a cute floral baby-doll dress. Yep, it's as simple as that. Play music as well as you want, practice as much as it is physically possible but without the dress, you're only captivating for about 30% of your true potential. And if you ... hold on. Yes honey what is it? Okay will come down and get them ironed in a bit okay? Yeah they are from Forever 21 dear.

My Little Airport - Victor, Fly Me to Stafford (from The Ok Thing to Do on Sunday Afternoon is to Toddle in the Zoo)
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