Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Out with Monkeys, in with the Tings

Rumor has it that the lofty apes have shunned the warm tropical paradise of Malaysia even though they were offered sufficient dough. Bastards. So instead, the organizers might be lining up The Ting Tings (who like the apes, are also on next year's Big Day Out bill in Australia) as replacements. The Ting Tings are a brilliant band. Brilliant like Einstein, but with better hair and cooler shades. Brilliant like a Maths text book among Hustler magazines. Brilliant like a Nobel Prize winner with quasi-Mohawk hair.

Music? What the hell is that? Hell no, it's not because they have good songs. It's because they have a hot blonde thing in their pictures. And like my dad used to say, all you need to win is a hot blonde thing. Man's a poet. Ha ha music. Do they even play music? Oh they do? Goodness, then they are even more brilliant. *Clap clap*.

The Ting Tings - Great DJ (from We Started Nothing) [BUY]

Monday, October 27, 2008

Word for the week: Candle


It's Deepavali today. And since candles are pretty much a mainstay in this Hindu festival, we thought we'd join the shindig, light up port side and bring out the porpoise muruku. Which goes smack well with our world famous tilapia toddy.

Tori Amos - Candle In The Wind (live)
If you listen real carefully — and this crappy recording means you sorta have no choice — you'll hear Elton sniffling in the background . Elton who? Elton Brand of course! Like, why wouldn't a 6'9", 260-pound NBA All-Star be at a Tori gig. Duh.

Elliott Smith - Roman Candle (from Roman Candle) [BUY]
Five years and one week ago, Elliott snuffed out. Somehow his pain never does.

Mojave 3 - Candle Song 3 (from Black Sessions)
So for their first public performance, Mojave 3 chose to record wispy wonders like this for French radio? Well slap us silly and call us Jacque. What? So what you're a girl! Just buy a GI Joe, wait three years, then call yourself Jacque too. Can't compromise on life, oui?

Roman Candle - Something Left To Say (from The Wee Hours Revue) [BUY]
While Oasis busy themselves with all that psych-noodling crud, trust two banjo-twanging North Carolina siblings to prove the arena rock revival doesn't need anything more than stellar songcraft.

Mono - 2 Candles 1 Wish (from Walking Cloud And Deep Red Sky, Flag Fluttered And The Sun Shined) [BUY]
Even Bonecrusher needs a seasonal dip in Swan Lake. And Megatron likes avocado paste.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Iron & Wine - Flightless Bird, American Mouth

I was a quick wet boy
Diving too deep for coins

All of your street light eyes

Wide on my plastic toys

And when the cops closed the fair
I cut my long baby hair
Stole me a dog-eared map

And called for you everywhere

Have I found you?

Flightless bird, jealous, weeping

Or lost you?

American mouth

Big pill looming

Now I’m a fat house cat

Nursing my sore blunt tongue

Watching the warm poison rats
Curl through the wide fence cracks

Pissing on magazine photos

Those fishing lures thrown in the cold and clean
Blood of Christ mountain stream

Have I found you?

Flightless bird, grounded bleeding

Or lost you?

American mouth

Big pill, stuck going down

There are some songs where the lyrical meaning is so obscure that you seriously have no idea what in blazes tarnations the person is singing about. Case in point, Mariah Carey's 'Touch My Body'. I mean, which damn body part? And who is the 'my' in the song? Can we assume it's Mariah? Could she be projecting? And let's not get to the 'touch'. Touch soft? Touch hard. Insane.

This is obviously not one of those songs. Just one glance and I know the song is about my Aunty Peggy who sells duck rice and likes to shoot racoons for sport. God bless her heart. What a lady. Did I mention she also broke the Olympic record for the 100 metres event? I have basically lived my life after her. Except that I broke the Olympic record for the 200 metres event. You know? Cause more is better? Yeehah.

Iron & Wine - Flightless Bird, American Mouth (from The Shepherd's Dog) [BUY]

New Pipettes will do 80s dance

Why am I always the last to find out?

The Pipettes have a new lineup. RiotBecki and Rosay have packed up, left the band and ticked the requisite we're-still-best-friends-forever checkbox. The new Pipettes is supposed to be more 80s dance.


I think they're alone now. My kisses were wasted on them. Gwenno, why did you stay? I love you. I guess it's not love (it's just a feeling). Sigh. Just be yourself baby. It hurts to see you dance so well.

I guess we know who ran off with the milkman.

The Pipettes - In The Bleak Midwinter

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Fad of the Land: Ten Tracks

Since the world is going to the pits, I've decided to perform social duty #3,247,289 and share with everyone six things you can do with one pound. All with one pound.

1. With one pound, you can download 10 legal, DRM-free songs a month from Ten Tracks, drawn from the best independent music from Scotland and abroad. Bands get a cut of every purchase, and the inaugural compilation includes Scot gems Broken Records and post-Beta Band act The Aliens. All with one pound.

2. With one pound, you can buy 1.2 trillion Zimbabwe dollars. All with one pound.

3. With one pound, you can recreate the Hulk Smash on your breakfast table, sending cereal bowls, cinnamon toast and your flatmate topsy-turvy. All with one pound.

4. With one pound, you can tell Jenny Craig to take her crash diet program and stuff it down her carrot milkshake-toned rump, because you never wanted to lose forty in two months anyways. All with one pound.

5. With one pound, you can house 500 stray dogs. All with one pound.

6. With one pound, you can move one squoure, eat one rouk, suckerpunch one bishoup, reach the end of the bourd and exchaouge it for one quoeeoun, and then checkmoute one koung. All with one pound.

Link: www.tentracks.co.uk

The Jayhawks - Ten Little Kids (from Tomorrow The Green Grass) [BUY]

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

In the papers today...

The Tampa Bay Rays have reached the World Series, the finals of America's Major League Baseball season. The team, which had lost 60% of its games in its previous 10 years of existence, are set to play the Philadelphia Phillies, and should they win, will be the first team ever in any sports league to go from being the worst team one season to the best the next. It's a little like Malaysia's football team reaching the World Cup finals. Or like Vietnam's handball squad reaching the... whoa whoa, back up a bit. Actually, Malaysia hitting World Cup gold would be more like the Tampa Bay Rays winning the Champions League, the Ryder Cup and 130 gold medals at the 2012 Olympics. Yeah, that's just about right.
This story reminds me of: Fleet Foxes - In The Hot, Hot Rays (from Fleet Foxes EP)

A Malaysian audio production house has decided to distibute 10,000 CDs for free containing hymns from the Sikh holy book Guru Granth Sahib. The CD will feature a fusion of modern sounds from popular Bhangra artistes and a selection of hymns from the 300-year-old book. It will also be distributed in Hong Kong, London and around Southeast Asia, and is aimed at encouraging young people to appreciate the ancient tome. Not wanting to be outdone, Pauly Shore announced today that he too was releasing a free CD of mantras he had lived by, soundtracked to popular nursery rhyme tunes. He's calling it The Encino Man's Mondo Bondo Life Plan.
This story reminds me of: Dead Heart Bloom - Hymn (from Oh Mercy)

Silicon Valley is set to conduct a major layoff exercise, with Yahoo! leading the way. The search giant is expected to axe up to 3,500 staff, with many other Internet start-ups set to follow suit, as tech companies try to cut costs in an effort to weather the global economic crisis. Apparently last month, a venture capital firm presented a slide show to the start-ups it finances that began with a gravestone and the words "RIP good times" on it. Insiders whisper that subsequent slides had, in order, "Unless you're from Google", "Son of a gun, you are from Google!" and "Sergey! I can cut Googleplex grass for cheap!".
This story reminds me of: Mocca - It's Over Now (for Kevin) (from Friends)

Monday, October 20, 2008

Look what I found in the bargain bin

Out of Time

Price: SGD$5.95

Reggie you naughty boy. I knew I couldn't leave you even for a moment. See what you've done. Mama was a good woman and now you've eaten her. What's daddy going to say when he finds out that you've eaten mama? Maybe he get you to vomit out mama. At least we have some of mama left.

Hmm ... yeps. Apparently that is the story by which this legendary band from Athens, Georgia named their band after, 'Reggie Eats Mama'. Seriously thought provoking shit.

R.E,M. - Losing My Religion (from Out of Time) [BUY]

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Fad of the Land: slotMusic

You know, it like totally befuddles me why until now, music has never come with slots. I just don't get why some Macau tycoon never conceived of slotMusic, and had to leave it to some nerdy data storage company to do it. It's such a novel concept. You put in some coins, pull a lever, and watch the fruits whiz by. Get three pomelos, and you get access to Arcade Fire rarities; three pineapples, and it's your meat and potatoes Neon Bible; and three watermelons gets you Kellie Pickler covering 'No Cars Go'.

So I'm like totally looking forward to slotMusic. Say bye to CDs and hello to coins. Say bye to...

Huh? Why you poking me for. Stop it. What? You mean the "slot" here is one of those tekky jargons? Oh bollocks. Who the heck wants music in some USB drives? Where's the play button on that? What, you telling me you need ANOTHER tekky device to play it? Double bollocks! Hey, I said stop poking me! Oh wait. You're not poking me. Sorry. Yeah, that's an umbrella. Had it implanted on my thigh last week. Keep forgetting it's there. Wanna have a look? Here, let me take off my pants so you can get a better view. So well basically, you push this knob here and then it sorta shif... hey, that's not the knob! And stop poking me! FOR REAL, PERV!!!!

Link: www.slotmusic.org

Jebediah - Slot Car Racing (from Of Someday Shambles) [BUY]

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Robots are Coming! - Daft Punk Might Just Be Invading Our Shores

Damn it, I knew it.

People have been saying it in movies all the time and it has finally happened - robots have invaded the planet. Don't believe me? Just look at the picture above. If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, I don't know what will. Okay, maybe The Big Show in a tutu. Or me in a tube top. Holy shit, that's scary. In a good way, you know cause with a body like mine, you can pretty much wear anything and kill it.

Anyways as a result of the looming threat of a French robot invasion later this year in a prominent club near you, I have decided that Thursdays are going to be 'Break a Washing Machine Day'. The idea is that with every mechanical item we destroy, these suckers lose one more thing to mate with, so they won't have soldiers and before you know it, they'll be old and die listening to Cliff Richard and us humans win. My mom always said I had the mind of a military strategist. She can be so right sometimes, bless her heart.

Daft Punk - Face to Face (from Discovery) [BUY]

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Arctic Monkeys for Malaysia?

The British are coming.

That is if what our pap that resides in some cave off Yuma, Arizona say is true. By the way, he's been relatively quiet for his standards. Apparently he was angry cause I got the temperature for his Dr. Pepper wrong once. Prissy bastard.

Anyway yes, Sheffield's finest are apparently heading our way in Q1 2009 if a reputed telco has its way. Then the Brit yobs over at this end of the South China Sea can start taking their pants off and dancing.

But personally, I prefer American bands. Yes I do. Music? Nah, nothing to do with music. They make better cheeseburgers. Yeah, that's it. None of that brown sauce crap. Just a plain old greasy slab of meat. And yes, it's always about the food. People may tell you it's about the wars and economies and spirituality but I tell you sir and that crazy hot chick in the corner there that it's always, been about the food. Sometime it's about the chick. But when it's cheeseburgers, no chick can ... what ... yes dear, you're better than a cheeseburger. Of course you are A.J., how silly of you to think that I would say something like that? You were sitting beside me when I said it? Oh that, oh that, how could I forget. I meant those other 'chicks', not a hot chick like you. Hot chicks like you could take 10 slabs of barbecue beef ribs in a fight. Seriously. Yeah, serious. Errr ...

Arctic Monkeys - Baby I'm Yours (from Leave Before the Lights Come On single) [BUY]

Thursday, October 9, 2008

In the papers today...

France is the latest country to declare that it is officially in recession. The European nation has had two consecutive quarters of negative growth, and is set to join Ireland and Denmark in this most unenvious club, its members mostly by-products of America's economic troubles. In a bid to boost the economy, French Prime Minister Nicolas Sarkozy promised not to let Carla Bruni sing anymore. The next day, stocks jumped up 800 points.
This story reminds me of: Dylan Mondegreen - Broken French (from While I Walk You Home)

The American Mustache Institute has announced that this year, it will appoint one man as the first-ever Mustached American of the Year. The award is given to the most impactful Mustached American of the past year. Nominees include former baseball player Keith Hernandez, TV anchorman Pat O'Brien and Family Guy character Cleveland Brown. Meanwhile, the world falls into recession.
This story reminds me of: Abe Vigoda - Bear Face (from Skeleton) [BUY]

Neil Gaiman is "giving away" his latest book The Graveyard, with a twist. The famed author of Stardust and The Sandman comics is embarking on a nine-city tour, where he will read one chapter a day, and then post a video recording of that reading for free on MouseCircus.com, his website for young readers. He also promises to post clips of him brushing teeth at Howmuchofarockgodami.com. That site should take off too.
This story reminds me of: Gnarls Barkley - Open Book (from The Odd Couple) [BUY]

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

B-Side of the Week - G-Surf

The Bookhouse Boys
G-Surf (from the Tonight single)
(Black Records)

Oooh. The Bookhouse Boys are so smart. They think that just because they are a surf band, they can put a G in front of their genre and pass it off as a song title. Well, I got news for you nanoplets. I've got a stockpile of 7" cuts with a lot of G in them as well.

Yeah. You bet I do. Lemme see...

G-rock, G-emo, G-pop, G-rap, G-trance, G-trash, G-twee, G-garage, G-folk. G-jazz.

See. Aren't I smart? Heck, if you dig a bit further, you'll realise that I'm the one who put G into everything we know to be household and commonplace today. Like Gmail. And Gstring. And Gzombies. And Gmutantdogs. And Gmariachis. And Ghad. And Gina Gershon.

Yeah baby.

The Bookhouse Boys - G-Surf

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Stars Live in Singapore: Jan 7 2009, Esplanade

Okay, I don't like being beaten to something.

Like how I don't like being beaten to some juicy news about this delectable Montreal indie rock band by some other blogger. Not least since I am a fan.

Reminds me of a story when I was 8. Some cute Singaporean kid tried to beat me to a piece of cake in some kiddie party. So I decided that was not right, and proceeded to lay him thick into about 26 DDTs, suplexed him over the rocking chair and put him through a table with a piledriver. I capped it off by dumping his pram on top of him.

Needless to say, mom saw and proceeded to do all of the above on me, except she also dumped me into a spacecraft and launched me into space. There I was picked up by a marauding race of alien mercenaries who amongst other things, taught me to pick my nose using Sai blades.

Thanks ma, I've come a long way.

Stars - Calendar Girl (from Set Yourself on Fire) [BUY]

Friday, October 3, 2008

The Sick Sick Six: 6 Things I Learned from Reading Marvel Zombies

I must say that I am an avid reader. That's what smart people do. They read. Kickass people pick guns and shoot people (I do this too) and suave people woo women (this as well) but smart people read. As such I have sunk myself into the chunky literary read called Marvel Zombies. Oh you guys haven't read it? Might mean you guys are dumbasses. Ha ha ha, just kidding, just kidding. Just a little stupid that's all. Anyway, it's a brilliant read. Felt my mind literaly expand. I've got a larger forehead now. A.J. says I look like Luke Perry.


Anyways, just thought I should share with you some of the brilliant facts I leanred by reading this wonderfully insightful, errr ... book.

Zombies make lousy husbands
Giant Man seems like quite a prick. I am not sure if he was already a prick before, but he sure as heck seems like a bigger prick after he was turned into a zombie. At least Spider-Man had the decency to just eat Mary Jane up rather than being a prick to her.
The National - Slipping Husband (from Sad Songs for Dirty Lovers) [BUY]

Forge has bloody healthy hair
I'll be damned. Donkey years in the future and the man still has a poney-tail. It's insane. It's like some Deep Zeppelin nightmare. Oh wait, that's not the band name is it?
Mazzy Starr - Hair and Skin (from Flowers in December single)

Zombies have no drool
How do I know this? Because throughout the whole comic, every zombified character has their mouth open. Even when they are just standing around doing nothing. Which proves amongst other things, that zombies do no suffer from the old drip-a-roo. It also proves that they eat dentists first, but that's irrelevant for this point.
Kate Nash - Mouthwash (from Made of Bricks) [BUY]

It is actually possible to kiss a zombie
Proven even more difficult considering the point before this. Nothing like sinking your lips into a gaping mouth. Kinda like frenching King Kong.
The Shins - Kissing the Lipless (from Wincing the Night Away) [BUY]

Zombie women love older men
Explains why a zombified Wasp did not mind planting a smooch onto that old geezer in the last issue. I have no idea who that geezer was. But he looks old. Maybe he's Old Man. Ha ha ha. 'Old' man, get it?
Radiohead - We Suck Young Blood (Your Time is Up) (from Hail to the Thief) [BUY]

Reed Richards is actually a dumbass
Only a dumbass would think turning into a zombie is part of evolution. What part of liking older men and walking around with a gaping mouth sounds evolutionary to you? Which is why I have concluded he is a dumbass.
Nirvana - Dumb (from In Utero) [BUY]

Kraftwerk: Live in Esplanade Singapore, Dec 3

I knew it.

I've been telling people for a long time now that they exist but no one believes me. I have drawn charts on how it is very likely they are to invade us soon but no one wants to hear. I have gotten pretty damn hot chicks to testify about how they spotted one buying a Red Bull in Chandler, Arizona but no one's taken the bait. I have even gone as far as to demonstrate naked downtown but no one even noticed me. In fact, it was almost as if they wouldn't look at me. Which is silly because I have the 'bod of all bods'.

Anyways, who has the last laugh now? Bow before the might of the Lawnmower Men. If you ask real nicely, they could do a nice crop circle of A.J. Cook for you.


Date: 3 Dec 08
Venue: Esplanade Theatre
Time: 8pm, at Esplanade
Tickets: $88, $118 and $148 (Public ticket sales starts from 22 Oct)

Kraftwerk - Radioactivity (from Radio-Activity) [BUY]

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Word for the Week: Idle


It's Hari Raya Idlefitri today. And really, I couldn't think of a more appropriate way to commemorate a season that gives people the perfect excuse to be lazy than by coining it after the synonym for "lazy". It's just so apt. I ...

What? Why did you interrupt me for? Huh, what do you mean it's not "Idle"? It's spelt "A-I-D-I-L"? What the ...? Oooh, so Mrs Sanghera was lying when she said I had spelt the synonym for "lazy" wrongly! That skanky ho! How dere she gife me a D- in speling! Good thing the she never tot me the grammer. I m so not so aidil in that asspackt.

Oasis - The Importance of Being Idle (from Don't Believe The Truth) [BUY]
Noel seems to have discovered that the secret to inner peace lies in Bolshevik-spiked inactivity. Anything but having to wash Liam's mop, I suppose.

Shannon Wright - Idle Hands (from Let In The Light) [BUY]
Bite on Chan Marshall, suck on wads of Tori Amos, and make sure Liz Phair isn't in the kitchen. What do you get? A trip to the neighbourhood shrink, and a visit by the DEA to confiscate your bong. Find a hobby, you dork.

Murder City Devils - Idle Hands (from In Name And Blood) [BUY]
"These idle hands, they do the Devil's work," declare these now-defunct Seattle punkers. Their idle hands musta been thinking about ironing.

The Replacements - Shiftless When Idle (from Don't You Know Who I Think I Was?: The Best Of The Replacements) [BUY]
To the Muslim world, selamat.
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