Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Geek's Top 8 Albums of 2008 by Order of Importance of Things on a KFC Dinner Plate

To some this could have been the golden year for music, to me, it's about as eventful as a rhino's arse. Wait, then again, aren't rhinos the ones who piss through their asses? Okay, they're cool. Then it's about as eventful as Donny Osmond's right butt cheek.

So in order to spice it up a little, I have decided to bring food in the picture. Yes, ye denizens of plain-dome, I hereby declare to you that if you need to spice up your love-life/marriage/career, there's no better way to do it than starting a food fight. Wife not giving you the 'biz'? Just chuck a roasted drumstick her way. Husband forgetting your birthday? Fling a plate of beef nachos at his eyes. Boss not giving you a raise? Just pour a bowl of Szechuan beef noodles down her blouse. Yeah!

Anyways, yes, a dinner plate. Which is way better than a snack plate? Why? Cause it has an extra piece of chicken and more is always ... better.

1. The Plate

Glasvegas - Glasvegas [BUY]
The most important thing about the dinner plate is the plate. Uncultured louts may try to sell it as being the chicken but as a person that has consumed about 1549 plates in his lifetime, I can safely say it's all about the plate. Because without the plate, we would be eating the chicken off the table and that my friend, is not a dinner plate. That's a dinner table.
Glasvegas - Polmont on My Mind

2. The Flag-like Thing

British Sea Power - Do You Like Rock Music? [BUY]
This could be decidedly an Asian thing, but our dinner plates come with one of them little flag-things. It's not yet been determined if the thing is actually a flag or a colorful toothpick, what is certain is that it's completely communistic. Why? Because communists like to fly flags, just like how aliens like to pilot UFOs. It's a natural thing, you know.
British Sea Power - Waving Flags

3. The Bun

The Teenagers - Reality Check [BUY]
Ah, where would the snack plate be without its bun? One of the only reasons why I would be willing to eat in KFC is because I can shang-hai one of them buns off my bird's plate. People may call me cheap, but I like to think I am smart. Why? Because I have two buns when you only have one, and the person with more buns is definitely smarter. Although I have no idea why.
The Teenagers - Starlett Johansson

4. The Mashed Potato

The Little Ones - Morning Tide [BUY]
Without the brilliant mashed potato and it's iconic brown sauce, your snack plates would be as dry as the Sahara. Think about that for a moment. Yeah, sand, snakes, sand and sexy belly dancers. Crap, why the heck do we need mashed potatoes again?
The Little Ones - Morning Tide

5. The First Piece of Chicken

Los Campesinos - Hold On Now, Youngster [BUY]
Ah, so we come to the reason why Colonel Sanders stopped being a kickass army dude that fires cannons to some smiley idiot that fries chickens for a living - the chicken. Except I can see no real reason why anyone would want to give up cannon-firing just to fry some chickens. So as a tribute to the Colonel, I am going to fry me some cannons tonight. Yum.
Los Campesinos - Sweet Dreams, Sweet Cheeks

6. The Coleslaw

I'm From Barcelona - Who Killed Harry Houdini? [BUY]
This is only here because a long time ago, mama Sanders told the Colonel that he has got to eat his veggies. Which is a shame because if his mama told him otherwise, we could have a plasma rifle with every dinner plate.
I'm From Barcelona - Ophelia

7. The Second Piece of Chicken

Attic Lights - Friday Night Lights

The second piece of chicken usually gets in just when you're about full from eating the bun, mashed potato, the first piece of chicken and if you're me, the plate. Yes, I routinely eat the plate as well. Just to have a bit of that holistic experience thing.
Attic Lights - Never Get Sick of the Sea

8. The Third Piece of Chicken

Cure - 4:13 Dream [BUY]
The third piece of chicken in a dinner plate is like having an affair. You know you shouldn't have it, but yet it's difficult to resist. Except that it's oilier and you only get part of the bird.
Cure - Only One

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Pantsy's Top 8 Albums of 2008 in Order of My Pants

My name is Pantsy. In 2008 I liked these eight albums best. And these eight pants.

Red and white checkered shorts

Frightened Rabbit - The Midnight Organ Fight [BUY]

I've owned these pair of shorts since I was 15. They totally rock. But wait, you say. I thought this was a list of your favourite pants? Silly girl. You need a fashionista extraordinaire. Like me.
Frightened Rabbit - Poke

Brown multi-pocketed khakis

Sore - Ports of Lima

The best part about these darls is that you can unzip it at the knee, thus transforming it into shorts. What do you mean, why? How else do you expect me to pee? Silly willy.
Sore - In 1997 the Bullet Was Shy

The other brown, multi-pocketed khakis

Brian Culbertson - Bringing Back The Funk [BUY]

This one has got a ton of pockets. No seriously, it's like a whole ton. What, you mean your pants don't give you a work out? No wonder you need to cover your legs. Unlike me.
Brian Culbertson - Funkin' Like My Fathers

Brown khakis

Longwave - Secrets Are Sinister [BUY]

You know, I don't like brown at all. And I don't like khakis too. How you can even remotely conclude that I like either one is so beyond me. You're so judgmental. Go away.
Longwave - Life Is Wrong

Black straight-cut pants

Titus Andronicus - The Airing of Grievances [BUY]

They say that the best part about black pants is their neutrality. They obviously haven't met my pair. He can't help peeing on that Obama poster in the mall. Neutral my shorts.
Titus Andronicus - My Time Outside The Womb

Blue jeans

Coldplay - Viva La Vida [BUY]

Apparently everyone's got these. Which is really annoying you know, because I'm totally desparate to be special. So desperate, I think I'll rename my pants Levis. No one's gonna think of that.
Coldplay - Life in Technicolor

Black trackpants

Q-Tip - The Renaissance [BUY]

I stayed up 15 straight nights to come up with these 92 algorithms that helped me decipher why they call these things trackpants. Let me share them with you. The first algorithm involves a combinatizzzzzzz...
Q-Tip - Manwomanboggie

My underwear

Mates Of State - Re-Arrange Us [BUY]

What's the matter? Oh, of course. You think the stuff you're wearing inside those pants is called underwear. No wonder you had a shite year.
Mates Of State - Help Help

Look what I found in the bargain bin

The Secret Machines
Now Here is Nowhere

Price : RM10 (after 70% discount)

I love puns. So when I saw this baby in the rack, the pun instantly had me at ‘These’, and I had no choice but to buy this album purely on the basis of its wit.

Huh? Oh you mean you can’t see the pun. Ah, no probs, here let me help you. Yeah it can be tough for untrained eyes to break apart words and stick them together. It’s simple once you get the hang of it.

First, identify the words. Sometimes they can look absolutely normal at first glance. Need a hint? In this situation, the pun starts with ‘The’ and ends with ‘Machines’. You can ignore obvious non-puns like ‘Now Here is Nowhere’, because seriously, there’s like totally nothing in that worth dissecting.

Ok, got it? Good. Yup, you’re right. It was ‘The Secret Machines’. Now the next step is to delete the spaces between the words, so you get one long, initially unintelligible word like ‘thesecretmachines’.

Yes, I see the glimmer in your eye already! The words just jump out instantly, don’t they? The next step would be to insert a bit of punctuation into the gaps. Once you’ve done that, you have no choice but to recognise the sheer genius of the title. And so, after a bit of tweaking and twiddling, hopefully you’ll arrive at the same pun as I did. And the pun in question?

These cret, Ma! Chin es!

Brilliant title, isn’t it? Full of context and subtext.

Secret Machines – Light’s On (from Now Here Is Nowhere) [BUY]

Friday, December 19, 2008

Carol of the Week: Oh Little Town of Bethlehem

To who it might concern,

Re: Clarification of misconceptions about Bethlehem that have arisen as a result of the carol 'Oh Little Town of Bethlehem'

We, the Bethlehem Association Redeeming False Yaps And Silly Slanders (also known as BARFYASS), would like to expressedly clarify the following misconceptions about Bethelem that have been established in popular culture as a result of the carol 'Oh Little Town of Bethlehem':

1. Bethlehem is not little. We have our own Starbucks, a Dunkin Donuts joint and at least 15 traffic lights. We upgraded our status to 'marginally below medium-sized but hardly miniscule' in 1967. So kindly do not refer to us as 'little'.

2. Bethlehem is not a town. We applied for 'city' status in 1986. Our application remains in discussion for the past 22 years because the committee is still debating on whether our Starbucks can be considered 'city'-worthy since they don't serve Malibu Dream (they're called Tipsy in Tel Aviv here). You may refer to us as a a 'tity'. A 'town' is far too degrading.

3. We would like to dispute the usage of "oh" as a precedent to Bethlehem. It is so unholy. Please remove it.

4. With the above information, we would like to propose an amended title to the carol in question. The new title we suggest is 'Marginally Below Medium-sized but Hardly Miniscule Tity'.

Thank you.

Yours truly,
Chekdaryme ben Hafsa
Chairperson, BARFYASS

Belle & Sebastian - O Little Town of Bethlehem (from Peel Christmas Party) [BUY]
B&S go spazz on jazz, and turn that little Jewish town into a shopping mall singalong.

Bright Eyes - Oh Little Town of Bethlehem (from A Christmas Album) [BUY]
You have to think that if anyone could keep twanging even as Bethlehem gets laid waste by a combination of Godzilla and Donkey Kong, it would be this dude.

Sarah McLachlan - O Little Town of Bethlehem (from Wintersong) [BUY]
If Lilith Fair ever reformed and toured Israel, expect them ladies to come back with recipes of dates and cloven-hoofed casserole.

Innocence Mission - Little Town of Bethlehem (from The Innocence Mission Christmas) [BUY]
At least someone got the memo about "Oh".

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Look what I found in the bargain bin

Pure Phase

Price: RM12 (after 70% discount)

I love sales. Yeah, especially those 20-foot ones that you can raise up when the breeze is blowing southwest at a speed of 12 knots, and your first mate signals for the crew to shift to starboard tack and mosey the catamaran windward and...

Huh? Wha...? Ohhhhh, I'm sorry. Yeah, you're right. My bad. I get mixed up with words sometimes. My vocab ain't that massive, sorry. In fact it's not even remotely mastodonic. It's hardly Brobdingnagian. It's so picayune, I'm quite discombobulated to even talk about it. Shame on me.

So where was I? Oh yes. Tower Records has some great sails this month. I'm talking up to 70% sails. Which is where a fully floatin' gem like this was scooped up from. Long live sails.

Spiritualized - Let It Flow (from Pure Phase) [BUY]

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Carol for the Week: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing

Legend goes that when Charles Wesley wrote this, his first lines were "Hark! how all the welkin rings". Legend also has it that Tolkien totally digged Wesley.

Brian Wilson - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (from Platinum Christmas 3)
Further evidence that Pet Sounds will be playing when you get to Heaven's gates.

The Upsidedown Stars - Hark, The Herald Angel Sings (from Silber Sounds of Christmas)
According to these North Carolinans, there was only one angel that evening, and he listened to Psychocandy just before doing some heralding.

Julian Koster -
Hark! The Herald Angels Sing (from The Singing Saw At Christmastime) [BUY]
According to the Music Tapes frontman, there were 10 angels who got lost on their way to a funeral.

David Hasselhoff - Hark the Herald Angels (from The Night Before Christmas) [BUY]
Hey, would you rather he act?
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