This Week's Track 9: The Polyphonic Spree - Light to Follow

Dear Dad,

When I grow up, I want to be a responsible person, a light to follow, just like you. Never mind that I am not following much of your light, instead I am following another light, namely this:

It's mainly because of those Japanese words at the side, which translates to 'Luke, I'm your father'. I know, my name may not be Luke but somehow, the sign speaks to me, I don't know why. Anyways, here's to being a light to follow someday.

Yours truly

The Geek

The Polyphonic Spree - Light to Follow (from The Fragile Army)

This Week's Track 9 - Black Tambourine - By Tomorrow

Some people thrive on having short deadlines. They go about telling each other "do this by tomorrow" or "do that by tomorrow". But not for me. I love taking my time to do trivial things. For example, one of my great achievements in life involves taking three months to open a bottle of milk. Every year or two, I have myself a nice sour bottle of milk and boy is it... what? What do you mean milk isn't supposed to taste sour? That's nonsense. Liquid? Man, I dunno what kind of milk you're eating but from the look of it, it sure doesn't have all that yummy congealed bits. Hahaaa, what a loser. Go buy yourself some proper milk and come back to me in three months.

Idiot.

Black Tambourine - By Tomorrow (from Complete Recordings)

This Week's Track 9 - Mendoza Line - Tiny Motions

This week's featured Track 9 is Tiny Motions by The Mendoza Line. Of course, Mendoza Line think they know a lot about tiny motions but not as much as me, no. Because every day, I go to the toilet after The Geek, and all I ever see are his tiny motions. Why, you may ask, does The Geek leave behind tiny motions? The answer is because he has a tiny buttcrack. And that, my friends, is what pretentious people like to call "logic".

Yes, I do love a good logic puzzle. Let's try another one: if you have five French maids in your house, what does that say about your house? What? That it's gets dirty quickly? Logically, it means that your house is actually my house. Wait...

Pardonnez-moi, Bijou, you missed a spot. Right here. Yes, merci, babie.

The Mendoza Line - Tiny Motions (from Fortune)

This Week's Track 9: A Camp - Eau De Colonia

I just love the idea of side projects. Besides being able to seem something in a different light, it allows us the space to do something different from what I would usually do day-to-day.

Like how on a day-to-day basis, I would usually, pick up my flame thrower, head out to the woods behind my home and torch the whole forrest looking for some truffles. My wife has indicated that it might be a little drastic but I told her that one should not compromise on good food. She then said something about how 'where we live, truffles don't grow'. I think it's silly to think that something only grows in a specific place. Why would that be? But on the flip side, I have found that the truffles picked up, tasted more like snails. My wife has said they are but I am choosing the option of 'selective hearing'.

It's the secret to a long-lasting marriage.

A Camp - Eau De Colonia (from Colonia)

This Week's Track 9: This is Ivy League - Till the Day

I never told anyone this but I am actually from an Ivy league school. Yeah I know, it's obvious but I still feel the need to point the obvious out. Like oh, there goes Olivia Wilde ... around my arms. He he, yeah, okay scram Ol' Wild One and go get me a lemon lime bitter.

Ah yes, Ivy league, the fun times. When the grass seemed greener, Hulk seemed greener, peas seemed greener. Green Lantern seemed greener. Martian Manhunter seemed greener. The world was just one big green blob (oh wait it is) and I could not ask for a more relaxing color to settle into. I was seriously in love with one of the lecturers. Rumor has it she is the daughter of one of the school's founders. I have a picture wait ...


Cute hair ...

This is Ivy League - Till the Day (from This is Ivy League)

This Week's Track 9: The Smashing Pumpkins - Mayonaise

This is The Smashing Pumpkins! Yep, they are a duo. What? I'm missing a couple of members? No way. The Pumpkins is basically a short skirt, knee-high boots and a bald head right? Right?! Shit.

The Smashing Pumpkins - Mayonaise (from Siamese Dreams)

This Week's Track 9 (World Cup edition): Yo La Tengo - Little Honda

Honda was the car of choice last night for Japan. Never mind that Toyota probably has better suspension because the player who scored the winning goal last night for Japan was not named 'Toyota'. Keisuke Honda scored the all-important goal to give Japan their first World Cup win on foreign soil against Cameroon last night. As such I've bought myself a brand spanking new Honda Civic as a tribute. Oh, you guys did not know? I am buying a car that's named after each goalscorer at this World Cup. My favorite so far? That red Tshabalala. It's a little leathery in the gears but when it gets going, it roars like an elephant.

Yo La Tengo - Little Honda (from I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One)

This Week's Track 9: Boy in Static - Catching Death

Yeah I've caught death in recent weeks. Probably why I've been sick as a monkey. I caught him and told him he should start dressing up in in brighter colors. He cried and told me he's gay. I hugged him and told him it's okay cause some Barca players are as well. He asked me what's Barca. I said, "What the hell, you don't know Barca?" And I kicked him in the nuts and called him gay.

Boy in Static - Catching Death (from Violet)

This Week's Track 9: The Cranberries - Ridiculous Thoughts

I had a ridiculous thought just a moment ago. For a moment, I thought I had superpowers. You know, super strength, flight, heat vision, x-ray vision (my favorite), etc and I was defending the earth from an evil alien race of Elvis impersonators. It was so vivid, almost real.

Ha ha, got you there. I had a ridiculous thought about being a lawyer. Oh shit! Duck! Die Elvis scum. Get back to the heartbreak hotel where you belong.

The Cranberries - Ridiculous Thoughts (from No Need to Argue)

This Week's Track 9: Arctic Monkeys - Pretty Visitors

Unbeknownst to you, Zhang Ziyi has not been enjoying her conjugal rights with me of late. I know, I know, a man should be a man and perform his duties obediently, but it's hard to sincerely enjoy a woman, even a beautiful one, when all I can think of is Taiwanese XXL deep fried chicken. That and finding the cure for elephantitis. Oh, and Fernando Torres' thighs.

Look, Ziyi, I think I can't hack it tonight, baby. Tell you what, why don't you go pull that chicken out of the fryer, you know how I hate it when it gets too brown. Yeah, please go now. Ziyi, honey, go. Please. You're blocking the Champions League highlights.

Arctic Monkeys - Pretty Visitors (from Humbug)

This Week's Track 9: Gin Blossoms - Allison Road

So I am assuming Allison lives on Allison Road?

How nifty. It would be even more nifty if it was the first time someone has done something like that, except that I already did it years ago. But instead of naming a road after some girl I liked (pfftt) or some girl that liked me (double pfftt), I decided to name it after one of my dogs, Bazooka.

Yep, I currently live on Bazooka Road. It was a toss up between my three most favorite dogs, 'Bazooka', 'Plasma Cannon' and 'Megan'. Oh wait, Megan was my wife.

Gin Blossoms - Allison Road (from New Miserable Experience)

This Week's Track 9: Attic Lights - Late Night Sunshine

So that's supposed to be ironic right?

Cause there's in actual fact no such thing as 'late night sunshine'. Just like there's in actual fact no such thing as 'fat-free KFC'. Or 'non-alcoholic booze'. Cause if you think these things exist then you must be Kirk Hamett. No, not Kirk Hammett, the lead guitarist of Metallica but Kirk Hammett, the gay man with Michael Bolton hair.

What? Same person? No way. You're funny man.

Attic Lights - Late Night Sunshine (from Friday Night Lights)

This Week's Track 9: Counting Crows - Speedway

We've always talked about why track 9s have a raw deal because they are usually sucky so as such they are placed somewhere that's the equivalent to Uma, Arizona and (not) my butthole on an album track list.

But this one's different. This one's actually quite good.

Why? Because this one's fast. Why fast is good? Because being fast is better than being slow. Yup, it's that simple. Life is simple. And yes, it's also 'fast' because it has the word 'speed' in its title. And someone long ago once told me, everything's in the name. Which is why I have just renamed myself Shagedelically Beautiful Man of the Photon Cannon. In case you're wondering, my last name is now 'Cannon'.

Counting Crows - Speedway (from This Desert Life)

This Week's Track 9: Arrows of Eros

There's nothing wrong with looking like a pimp if you're Golden Silvers. Either that or if you're really a pimp. Like me.

Yep. I'm not just a piratus awesomus monumentalus, I'm also a pimp. And today, I'm gonna introduce you to my most popular tart-of-art. Her name is Pantsietta and she's from Austria. Come on Pansietta. Say hello to Mr Reader. Mr Reader wants you for the whole afternoon because he got sacked at lunchtime and he's feeling sad and he's also too embarrased to go home early and explain everything to his wife. No, it's ok, don't be shy. Actually he's more shy than you. No, don't say that about Mr Reader. I'm sure his moustache is clean. Isn't it Mr Reader? No? Oh, yeah. I see it too. Hmmm... it's okay Pansietta. Remember Mr Baseball Bat? Remember when he got friendly with you? Yeah? Maybe I'll let you choose, baby. Sorry, what? Mr Reader? Are you sure? Atta girl.

Golden Silvers - Arrows of Eros (from True Romance)

This Week's Track 9: Bon Voyage - Together

Bon Voyage is holiday/side project/quickie band started by Starflyer 59 beard god frontman Jason Martin with his wife.

And yes I know you may be wondering, but the pic here is only of his wife, where is Jason. Well that's cause we here at Pirates, above priding ourselves humbly with being the three smartest humans in the universe, also are impeccable gentlemen. How so? We always believe in 'ladies first'.

In fact, we're such incredible gentlemen that we've since moved on to the concept 'ladies only'. As such I am currently rather confused about my sexuality. Pass me that hot pink belt.

Bon Voyage - Together (from Lies)

This Week's Track 9: Eisley - Just Like We Do

What's up with these bands made up of family members? They talk like Eisley's something new. I can assure you they are not. There were Hanson and The Jackson 5.

And of course before even all this, I started a band with my grandpa Foo Keng. Bless his soul. He liked to look up girls' skirts and whistle at them as they walked by. Actually, I don't remember him ever playing any instrument, except his own. What the hell kind of band did we have I wonder? Hey wait a minute, was it a band or was it just us hanging out at a strip club? Yes, yes it was a band. We were called the Coo Coo Ciaos.

It's French.

Eisley - Just Like We Do (from Room Noises)

This Week's Track 9: Further Seems Forever - Wearing Thin

And so we've left this column untouched for close to a year now.

The reason is cause Genusfrog is a lazy ass. And so I had a deep 1-1 talk with him a moment ago. Cause I like to shoot it straight. No behind the back bullshit and it went like this:

Geek: Dude

Genusfrog: Yeah?

Geek: You're a lazy ass.

Genusfrog: Yeah, I know.

Geek: Oh, in that case, you're a ninny that wears panties too.

Genusfrog: You're right.

Geek: Oh, then you're a ninny that wears panties and eats sparrow butts for breakfast.

Genusfrog: Damn straight

Further Seems Forever - Wearing Thin (track 9 from The Moon is Down)

This Week's Track 9 - All The Wine by The National

Here's a multiple choice question that'll teach you a thing or two (or in fact three) about The National.

Which of these is false about The National?

A. They grew up wearing socks on their ears as muffs.
B. At least one of them has a thompson's gazelle as a pet.
C. In 2003, they toured with midgets dressed as military women.
D. Their frontman's name is Matt.

What? You got it wrong? Yeah, I too thought it was the gazelle. Ah, but for the joy of spending 9 months on the road with 2-foot-high foot-soldiers!

The National - All The Wine (track 9 from Alligator) [BUY]

This Week's Track 9 - The Boy With The Arab Strap

In connection with my new graveyard job at the Malaysian censorship board, I am here to set a song title straight. Now Belle & Sebastian have this popular number called The Boy With The Arab Strap. What da heck is a boy doing with an Arab strap? I officially deem that title to be either offensive to boys, offensive to Arabs or contextually ignorant. Therefore, all prints of Belle & Sebastian albums in Malaysia shall be edited to reflect a new title for this song, which I shall officially deem as "grammatically incomplete" and which I too shall complete.

Here are my options:

1. The Boy with the Arab Strapped on his Back
2. The Boy with the Arab Strapped on his Horse
3. The Boy with the Arab Strapped on Another Arab
4. The Boy with the Arab Strapped on An Arab Boy
5. The Boy with the Arab Strapped on A Boy's Arab

I'm thinking of going with number 5. This way, we can... what? They don't stock Belle & Sebastian in Malaysian cd stores anyway? What a bloody waste of time.

Belle & Sebastian - The Boy With The Arab Strap (track 9 from The Boy With The Arab Strap) [BUY]

This Week's Track 9 - Chick Lit by We Are Scientists

One time this chick lit a match and it burned all my books. And this other chick lit the gas stove and caused an explosion my kitchen. I remember when a chick lit some freshly cut grass and that razed down all of my dad's palm trees. And another chick lit a candle for peace, but that ended up burning down our garage. When I grew up, I met this stunning girl and this chick lit a cigarette which sent my car into flames. Then I grew up sommore and I met an even more stunning girl and that chick lit something inside me and then left me feeling like charcoal.

So when I tell you that I absolutely dispicably hate chick lit, you better damn believe it.

We Are Scientists - Chick Lit (track 9 from Brain Thrust Mastery) [BUY]