The Unhappy Sufjan Stevens Fans Campaign: #4 Alana

Alana

Ludlow, Vermont

Hi, I'm Alanna from Vermont. Now I know what you're thinking - you're looking at me, going "what the hell happened to her?". So I'll just come right out and say it: yeah, I've got six ears. Big deal. Apparently when my parents were trying for me, mum really wanted a girl and dad really wanted a guitar. So now that they've got me, and I look like this, I really just wanna make them both happy. So I've strung together some of these strings and I think I'm starting to understand what it really takes to be a great guitar, ya know. Like a Fender or something. So anyways, my dream has always been for Sufjan Stevens to record an album for my home state, Vermont, and as an added bonus, for him to do all his guitar parts on me. Like, yeah, you know. Seriously, you just have to turn me round. I got great tone. Just make sure, er, Sufjan, that you let me know about 15 minutes in advance, cos I don't always go around strung and I'll need some time, you know, to tune up and stuff. Yeah. Anytime, buddy. Seriously. 

Sufjan Stevens - The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts

The Unhappy Sufjan Stevens Fans Campaign: #3 Filomena

Filomena

Fishers Indiana

Hello. My name is Filomena and I come from Fishers Indiana. I know, I know, my name rhymes with "Milo does not taste anything like Ribena". I'll have you know that was not the express wish of my mother when she named me. But that's beside the point. The point is that I want Sufjan Stevens to do an album about my home state, Indiana. We're just next to Illinois and they've already got one. Also, I also want to neck with Sufjan Stevens. Yes, if you look really closely, you might see that I've got two necks. I had it surgically done like that so that my head only turns a total of 10 degrees left and right. The lack of oscillatoric options is a small price to pay for the increased surface area for necking, not to mention having incredible possibilities in wearing both standard collared tops and plunging necklines at the same time. Oh what's that? Why am I hiding a bloody knife behind me? What bloody knife? Oh this bloody knife! Yeah. That's for the third neck. Surgical stuff. 

Sufjan Stevens - Siamese Twins (from A Sun Came Up)

The Unhappy Sufjan Stevens Fans Campaign: #2 Edgar

Edgar

Lakecreek, Oregon

Hello. My name is Edgar and I am half octopus. Listen, I don't want to hear anyone sniggering alrite. My mum told me from young that I should be proud to be half-octopus, because she's proud to be the kind of woman who has sex with squids. I just wanna come out here and say that I wish Sufjan Stevens would release an album for my home state of Oregon. It is the home of such a wonderful slice of American life. Take my aunt for instance. She's been married to a cardboard cutout of Lorenzo Lamas since 1988 and has sired four lovely... why are you laughing? Hey, you. Yeah, what's so funny? No, I happen to think he's very good looking. Of course I watched Falcon Crest. What? No, you stupidhead. The Carringtons were from Dynasty. Anyways, so yeah. I was saying. Oregon is a neat place. 

Sufjan Stevens - Black Hawk War, or, How To Destroy An Entire Civilisation (from Illinoise)

The Unhappy Sufjan Stevens Fans Campaign: #1 Horacio

Horacio

Polk, Nebraska

Hi. My name is Horacio. If you think I look ordinary, it's because you've failed to realise that I have feet growing where my hands should be. So you think this sounds fun? Well, it isn't. It's hard to caress women when you're anatomically confused, and nobody cheers when I do handstands. And really, all I want in this world is to caress women. Like, lots of women. You know, like, you get what I mean. Lots and lots of them. And I also want Sufjan Stevens to release an album about the state that I call home. Stop making me wait you jerk. The doctors say that I can only caress women normally once Sufjan Stevens releases an album called Nebraska. I'm not young anymore, Mr Stevens. So please. The next time you pick up your damn guitar, think of me and how much I long to have a woman in my legs. 

Sufjan Stevens - Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing (live from the Knitting Factory)