Monday, May 31, 2010

WC 2010: What if Argentina were a band?

Because there's nothing else better for us Pirates to do sometimes except watch some testosterone-pumped athletes kicking each balls, we bring you our special, World Cup special. Yes, it has twice the 'specials'. Namely, instead of kicking one ball, they kick a pair. Yep, balls should always be a pair.

If Argentina were a band, they would be Helloween. Why? Cause like those hairy German speed-metallers, Argentina are fast as shit. In fact, I heard once during a training session, they ran so fast that they opened a portal to Thundera. That and at least one dude in the picture up there is as hairy as a yeti. And few people in the world are as hairy and fast as Helloween. Well, except that 100m yeti sprinter. But I heard he's retired.

A little bromance never hurt anyone

Helloween - Judas (from The Best, the Rest, the Rare)

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Sick Sick Six: Songs that you can't pronounce (without our help)

It's all the rage, ain't it. Coming up with names for cities, volcanoes and animals that no one can pronounce.

Which is why you need me. You see, I ain't no trend follower. I don't bother naming things after words that I can't pronounce. So to help you reach a similar state of zen, I thought it only appropriate to help you work your way around those songs that sound bodacious, but which you will never be able to tell your friend to check out. So you ready? Good, let me just pull up my chair, open up my... oh, you like my chair? Charming, ain't it? Yeah. I call her Iwesknfzswrh. Just rolls off the tongue like sugar.

Ólafur Arnalds - Þú ert sólin (from ...and they have escaped the weight of darkness)
Actual pronounciation: You are solid.
Background: Olafur is Icelandic for Schwarzenegger. Arnalds is, well, y'know. And so when you consider the evidence, this is too way obvious. Good thing we start with the peasy ones, aye.

Motorboater - Je Mange Titties (from PU YR Heart)
Actual pronounciation: Your mangy turnips.
Background: What do you mean I'm such a prude? I'm no prude! I can totally say the T word! Turnip! Turnip! Turnip! There you go. What do mean that's not how you pronounce it? Oh, let me show you again. Teatime. See? Tootsie. Bam! Tittieeeeeeeeewangsa. Hah.

Fort Fairfield - Vättern (from The Essential Thing Resists Telling)
Actual pronounciation: Butter
Background: Ahh, you who are so ignorant. The two dots above the "a" are the secret. Those two dots represent two freshly toasted crumpets that are aching for some good ol' fashioned spread. Yes, post-rockers have some closet English breakfast yearnings, mate. Mogwai likes muffins.

The Deer Tracks - isbjornskatten (from Eggegrund EP)
Actual pronounciation: It's Bjorn's kitten?
Background: When you think about it, there are just three important questions that every person must answer. The meaning of life and the belief in God stuff are pretty tough cookies, but man, The Deer Tracks have nailed the cookiest of all 'em toughies. Because the Bjorn I know is nine feet tall, and sleeps with his pet T-rex. That was, until TMZ uncovered a video of him showering with a feline-looking creature and humming 'Endless Love'. Now I'm confused. What is the meaning to life?

Slutet - Psykbryt (from Slutet)
Actual pronounciation: Pissed Brit
Background: In 1563, a pigeon flew by the quaint English town of Arundel. As it settled on a tree, it decided to relieve itself. Meanwhile, a man was munching on acorns below that tree. Just as he opened his mouth to chomp on his last biscuit, he felt a splatter on his head. He looked up, saw the pigeon, and said, "That was my last biscuit!" Thus, this word was born.

los contras - palmhjartat
Actual pronounciation: Baby, you fat.
Background: Bob liked Sue. Sue liked Ricardo. Ricardo liked Bob. So one night, Harry said to his bolster, "Baby, you fat." The end.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

In the papers today...

The newly elected British government has cancelled plans to build a third runway at London Heathrow airport. The move has been hailed by residents who live near the area, as they feared that it would greatly increase the noise and pollution emitted from the planes. When John Terry heard of the cancellation, he voiced his dissapointment, saying, "A third runway would have made it so much easier for me to smuggle my mistres--I mean, mystery novels into the Chelsea dressing room. Yeah, Agatha Christie is our fave. Mmmm, Agatha..."
This story reminds me of: Tame Impala - Runway, Houses, City, Clouds (from Innerspeaker)

BP have resorted to using golf balls to plug the Gulf of Mexico oil leak. The leak, which was caused by an oil rig sinking on 22 April, has released more than 5 million gallons of oil into the sea at a rate of 200,000 gallons per day. The oil company said that the golf balls were part of a technique known as the "junk shot", whereby holes of all shapes and sizes are plugged by various objects. Actually, insiders say the company wanted to use golfer balls, which, as we all know, are pretty good at plugging holes of all shapes and sizes.
This story reminds me of: Tiger! Shit! Tiger! Tiger! - Whispers (from Whispers EP)

Marco Calasan has become the world's youngest Microsoft systems engineer. The 9-year-old boy from Macedonia holds four Microsoft certificates, has written a 312-page book on Windows 7, and is currently learning his fourth language. Apparently his first motto in life is "with knowledge, everything is possible." His second motto in life is "Suck this, all you dense poser-faced Mac users!"
This story reminds me of: The Amplifetes - Whizz Kid (from Whizz Kid single)

Monday, May 10, 2010

This Week's Track 9: Boy in Static - Catching Death

Yeah I've caught death in recent weeks. Probably why I've been sick as a monkey. I caught him and told him he should start dressing up in in brighter colors. He cried and told me he's gay. I hugged him and told him it's okay cause some Barca players are as well. He asked me what's Barca. I said, "What the hell, you don't know Barca?" And I kicked him in the nuts and called him gay.

Boy in Static - Catching Death (from Violet)
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