Thursday, July 31, 2008

New release: Electrico - We Satellites

A band losing a guitarist ain't that big a deal. It's not even that medium a deal, really. I mean, as Electrico demonstrate, you can lose one guitarist and still burp out a decent third album by sticking to the tried and true. And if you need that second guitarist to occupy that sonic vacuum during live shows, you can always flick on that random dial function and buzz a mate of a mate of a mate to shimmy forth. And if that doesn't work, there's always your Guitar Hero-addicted nephew.

But you know what would be a huge loss? If a band lost its aquarium cleaner. Like hell that wouldn't matter! Oh, now you're just emphasising your massive ignorance. Name me five bands that don't have aquarium cleaners? You can't, could you? Oh silly, you actually think that dude who hits the drums like, only hits the drums? Yeah sure. And so of course you believe that those things he hits drums with are actually called drumsticks. Such a naive twat. You've obviously never examined them closely. Obviously.

Track Listing:

1. Zero
2. Save Our Souls
3. Shadow
4. Faces
5. Soul Not Science
6. Hail To The Friends
7. The Slaves And The Digits
8. Travel On The Sun
9. We Satellites
10. Liberation
11. Aura

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Word for the Week: Misery


The Geek has been sent to Australia by his company. His flight is covered, he's staying in a swanky hotel, and he gets to go to a Polyphonic Spree gig. Yeah, he's in absolute agony. He should spend his daily allowance on a noose, the unlucky dork. The miserable bastard.

Graham Coxon - Bittersweet Bundle of Misery (from Happiness In Magazines) [BUY]
Blurboy confesses to enjoying kindy fights and stolen snogs. Too bad Damon never swung that way.

Blonde Redhead - Misery Is A Butterfly (from Misery Is A Butterfly) [BUY]
In KazuMakinoville, the winged flutterer is an ugly chubb that asks for people's minds.

Paramore - Misery Business (from Riot!) [BUY]
Spunk rock diva-of-the-mo Hayley Williams insists "I watched his wildest dreams come true, not one of them involving you". Then she bought TiVo, and took it back.

Soul Asylum - Misery (from Black Gold: The Best Of) [BUY]
I once owned a company called Frustrated Incorporated. It specialised in sea monkeys and Spanish football jerseys. We went bust this year; seems like no one buy sea monkeys much.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

In the papers today...

A girl in New Zealand was allowed to get a new name, after the courts ruled that her present name, "Talula Does the Hula from Hawaii", was inappropriate. The judge said that such bizarre names were not helpful for the child, and could create unnecessary "social hurdles" for her. Other names previously blocked in earlier cases included Yeah Detroit, Sex Fruit and Fish and Chips (twins), while other names previously allowed included Violence and Number 16 Bus Shelter. And Pantsy? Well, my momma always said social hurdles were good for me. Like, check out my thighs now.
This story reminds me of: Serena-Maneesh - Her Name Is Suicide (from Serena-Maneesh) [BUY]

The trailer for Oliver Stone's upcoming film W., based on George W. Bush, has been released on the internet. The movie (due for release on 17th October) stars Josh Brolin as the current American prezzie, and James Cromwell as his dad. It features clips of a younger Bush involved in heavy partying, drinking and gambling. Rumours abound that Tom Cruise makes a cameo as Osama bin Laden, which would be totally sensible, since their both equally nuts.
This story reminds me of: Electric President - Good Morning, Hypocrite (from Electric President) [BUY]

The long-held stereotype that girls are lousier in math than guys might just be true - but not until after high school, according to recently released reports. Studies show that since the social prejudice that once discouraged girls from learning maths and science is all but gone, children of both genders have proven to be equally apt at maths. However, the number of women who eventually graduate with maths-based degrees remains significantly lower than the number of men. And the number of humans who graduate with brains still intact remains significantly lower than porcupines. Smart creatures, those porcupines.
This story reminds me of: Tokyo Police Club - Listen To The Math (from Elephant Shell) [BUY]

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Sunburst 2009 to feature Pearl Jam and possibly RHCP?

Yes, our super ultra alien-busting, orc-chopping, chicken-boiling, pork-barbecuing informer has let us in on a secret that the organizers of the fairly successful Sunburst festival this year are planning an even bigger show next year. So how do you take it up a notch from Incubus and John Legend? Simple, Pearl Jam and possibly Red Hot Chili Peppers.

But of course, the organizers failed to turn to me for some advice on how to take it up a notch proper. I mean if you serious want to take it up a notch then all you really need to do is to just give every one who comes to the festival a rack of roasted lamb, an out-of-print Lion-O toy from the original product line and a limited edition Megan Fox rubber doll. Then it won't matter even if you got Barbra Streisand in to sing the whole of that Hoobastank album, people would still come.

What did you say? What if someone doesn't want the rack of lamb, hates toys and is not a fan of Petra? God darn-it shoot the damn thing will you!!! It's a damn alien ... arrrgghhhh ... shoot it!!! ... aim better you ninny ... oh no ... god help us, it's too late!

News update: The world has been lost. It's been 39 days since the invasion and it looks like all hope is officially gone. Earth isn't planning on mounting a proper attack anymore and appears resigned that we will be a species of slaves that will never see the juicier side of a piece of beef rib anymore. Or the juicier side of Megan Fox's rib for that matter. God help us all.

Pearl Jam - Black (from Ten) [BUY]

Friday, July 25, 2008

Fad of the Land: Mucony

In case you never knew, most musicians reside in camps. No, not those "leeches sucking on your peaches" kinda camps. I'm talking about genre camps. There's the squeal metal camp, for example, whose residents boil eggs in 20 seconds. Then there's the pulpy pop camp, whose eggs are only fried wobbly 365 days a year, 1,456,893 years a lifetime. There's also the indie rock camp, who never eat their eggs but instead use them to fry their neighbours' sleeping bags, before blending that with caterpillars and sucking the resulting mix through their armpits.

And then there's the jazz and classical music camp. These chaps don't just have eggs; they have 18th century pans and 12th century stoves to cook them with. And that's where Mucony comes in. Because, oh uncultured one, Mucony is a site that offers video lessons on how to play jazz and classical music. In other words, it's only for real musicians. Only. You know how to play the choruses of Counting Crows songs? Scurry off, you farcical impostor of a musician. Jazz and classical music was birthed from the DNA of Geppetto's pee. So think of Mucony as salvation for all you unwieldy Pinocchios.

So, you ready to shift to that camp, then? Good for you. Me? Nah. I'm just dandy residing with in the sitar players camp. Yeah, the sitarguys, them champs; they eat eggs in 1,234,893 different ways. Ho yeah, long live the sitarist. Is that what they call them? Or was it the sitarer. That sounds like Cheetara. Did Cheetara play the sitar? She does sorta look like a 20-year-old Asha Bhosle. Yeah, I reckon she was totally Indian. And Mumm-Ra was Thai.


Evangelista - Smooth Jazz (from Hello Voyager) [BUY]

Thursday, July 24, 2008

New release: Sore - Ports of Lima

Indonesia's Sore hail from a country where bands flaunt their Adidas affiliations like Kirsten Dunst flaunts dimples. Where more bands flaunt their American indie label releases like Kirsten Dunst flaunts dimples. Where even more bands flaunt their flowing teatime skirts like Kirsten Dunst flaunts dimples.

So how does a band stand out? For starters, releasing a second album ain't to shabby a move. Having the shortest, most pronounceable moniker has also gotta help for sure. And getting pre-sophy hype from Time mag has gotta be worth at least two cupcakes, since debut Centralismo was christened as one of the 'Five Asian Albums Worth Buying'. Which is a huge deal, in case you were wondering; Asians buying albums is about as common a phenomenon as Asians not eating rice. Unless you're me of course; I only drink cow stomach shakes. My mum thinks I'm Greek.

But no, when you look at the facts, all that just ain't gonna cut it. Sore seriously only have one option: chop off Kirsten Dunst's head. Heck, you heard me right: buy an axe, extract the dimples, and then stitch it back onto her bod. No really, that works. Like recently when I needed to do a business class presentation, and I was second last in a class of 227. So I crept out, bought a flight to Toluca Lake, California, did the slice and dice, flew back, and made it just in time for my turn. Aced that talk. Still got the 'best presenter' cert, hanging next to Kirstin Dunst's head. Yeah, just couldn't let it go. Her mum's totally cool with it.

Track Listing:

1. Apatis Ria
2. Bogor Biru
3. Come By Sanjuro
4. Essensimo
5. Freiman
6. In 1997 The Bullet was Shy
7. Senyum Dari Selatan
8. Setengah Lima

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Arty Album Art: The Observatory - A Far Cry From Here

Design concept, illustration and layout: Melvin Chee of :phunkstudio

I like getting parcels. Parcels say that someone is thinking heaps about me. Parcels say that I'm unique in my neighbourhood. Parcels are so indierati. So.

I especially like getting parcels of people's diaries. No seriously, I get tons of those. One time, this dude from Slovakia sent me his. Thought I should read through it and if I thought it was any good, send him back a picture of my grandma in a bikini. I thought it was so-so. So he got a pic of my puppy in a jumpsuit instead. He still writes.

Then there was another time when someone sent me a plate. Yeah, just a plate. No, not even food on a plate, or a plate of armour. I did get a plate of armour once though. It belonged to Aragon. Tiny thing could barely fit me; my pecs punched a hole through the rubber nipple. Cheap material.

Another time, I got a parcel with a tree in it. No, actually it wasn't like a huge parcel or anything. These days trees can be folded and stuffed into one of those padded A4 envelopes even. Visit for more info.

Most recently, someone sent me a package with earth in it. No, doink, not a model of earth. Earth, the planet? Hello? Of course you were in it too! Hey, you wanna listen to my story or not? You don't? Well, tough. I'm telling it. As I was saying... ummm... darn it. Slipped my mind. You're lucky.

But you know what I have never received as a parcel? A CD. Yep. Never evah. Oh, so you smarty pants are gonna start correcting me, are you? Trying to point out that The Observatory's third album is packaged like a parcel, and inside it contains a CD? Oh you know that, do you? Do YOU?

Ok, that kinda looks like a CD. I thought it was a pineapple. Hey, take a chill pill man. You look way too hot like that. And the world doesn't need no more hot men. Unless you're a pineapple. In which case, wanna come over for tea?

The Observatory - When I See A Fire (from A Far Cry From Here)

Saturday, July 19, 2008

The Sick Sick Six: 6 Things You Did Not Know About Pantsy (Psst ... it was his birthday)

It was my dear fellow pirate Pantsy's birthday last Saturday. He's been so busy since chasing otter skirts that we haven't gotten around to downing a few jugs and throwing librarians overboard.

Anyways many of you are probably wondering - if it was his birthday last Saturday, then why the heck am I only posting something now? Because what you commoners don't know is that my supremely intelligent mind happens to work exactly a week late. It's how I stay sharp. No one can predict me because I do almost everything a week later. Yeehaw.

If it's not broken, it doesn't need buying
Yep, the man doesn't quite believe in having more of the same thing, so he only buys something when he is sufficiently destroyed it. Hence my idea to give him a pair or titanium-coated carrot-cut khakis.
Pelle Carlberg - Even a Broken Clock (is Right Twice a Day) (from In a Nutshell) [BUY]

Denim is the attire of the devil
No jeans for the man. Loose-cut cargo pants are the man's choice. My theory is that he has a big butt.
The Promise Ring - Red and Blue Jeans (from Nothing Feels Good) [BUY]

Choke on vomit before eating liver
Yep, and choke he has. Many times. The trick is to swallow.
Allen Ginsberg (with Bob Dylan) - Vomit Express (from First Blues) [BUY]

What is this portion of glorified water?
No soups for the sexy otter as well. Glorified water it seems. Wait till I whip up some of my special Thundera frog legs soup with wild orchids from Middle-earth. Then we shall see who is glorified. Me of course, me.
The Jealous Girlfriends - Something in the Water (from The Jealous Girlfriends) [BUY]

A tie is a noose, plain and simple
There was apparently this story about a possessed tie that tried to strangle this boy. And the boy spent three years trying to fight the stupid tie off. It was a green tie with pink polkas. That poor thing. The tie that is, not the boy.
Soundgarden - Pretty Noose (from Down on the Upside) [BUY]

Otters, and only otters, are darn sexy
Yep, screw Megan Fox. That chubby one in the corner there with the hairy butt is the queen. Woo hoo.
The Silver Jews - Animal Shapes (from Tanglewood Numbers) [BUY]

Friday, July 18, 2008

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Sigur Ros - Fljotavik

Shower me with towel
Shall we scare 'em now
You're sick and I'll strip you
Suck the hunter
You're stealing my Hebrew

You suck on me, yaaaa
You stole people's thighs
You look me in the eye
Oh come fart out stars
Your one's purple

Hey yes, come here now
How come our car layers?
Your scurvy laid the goose
How is Warren?
Your stern arms are loose

You shit on the arse
Your stern arms laugh
You're shitting on stern arms
Your shitty arms
You roped my mum
You're shitting on stern arms
Your shitty arms
You broke my drum
You're shitting on stern arms
Your shitty arms

Whoever said that it's not important whether you understand what Sigur Ros are singing about is TOTALLY deluded. And deprived. I mean, screw the bowed guitars and prickly-haired strings; there is seriously nothing more transcendent than picking apart Jonsi's gorgeous, candid lyricism. Seriously, English comes alive when you pour through the man's poetry.

Huh, what? Why you looking at me like a pigeon? Oh, you mean you didn't know he sung in English the whole time? Oh, so you ALSO bought into that blah about Hopelandish or Icelandic and all? No wonder you look like that! Have a look at the above sample, and see what you're missing out, and be eternally freed from confused staring. Hey, I said you can stop staring. What? You say you're staring at me like a pigeon because you are a pigeon? Bullcrap. Pigeons don't stare like that. You're a crow. Caw off.

Sigur Ros - Fljotavik (from Með Suð í Eyrum Við Spilum Endalaust) [BUY]

Thursday, July 17, 2008

B-Side of the Week - Hurtin

Johnny Thunders
Hurtin (from the You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory single)
(Real Records)

Let's see what we got in the b-side bag today.

Ooh look. It's something old. Not just old, no, this is oldskool. Yeah, that's right. Oldskool punk Johnny Thunders rompstomps down his New Yorkan sidewalk with this b-side Hurtin. This one comes off the more iconic punk ballad single, if you can ever call anything a punk ballad, called You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory.

Which I think is bollocks. I mean, heck, I've put my arms around lots of things. I've put them around great big oak trees, the jaws of a rabid crocodile, the burning exhaust valve of a 16-wheeler, three adult wolves, seven dead bisons, 29 supermodels, 3,775 bottles of beer, a nanocluster of the AIDS virus, scud missles, a really big cactus and Angela Lansbury.

Just wait till he sees my arms. I'll show Johnny Thunders I can put them around any damn thing I like.

Johnny Thunders - Hurtin

In the papers today...

New Yorker magazine has come under fire for its latest issue, which has on its cover an illustration of Barack Obama dressed as a Middle Eastern man, his wife Michelle as a Black Panther, and a portrait of Osama bin Laden in the background of what appears to be the Oval Office. Both Barack Obama and John McCain's representatives have released statements condemning the cover; Osama bin Laden's reps also released a statement condemning the shabby rendition of his facial hair.
This story reminds me of: Astrud Gilberto - How Insensitive (from The Silver Collection) [BUY]

Heroes has officially begun its return to primetime TV with the release of a series of websisodes. The three-part series will highlight one new character each time, which will lead up to the start of Season Three of the TV series on 22nd September. The new season will be themed Villains; it will focus on villains; it will have new villains. Well, shower my shitzu; those striking writers sure are bona fide wordsmiths.
This story reminds me of: The Libertines - Time for Heroes (from Up The Bracket) [BUY]

YouTube and Viacom look to have settled their long-standing dispute. Viacom (the parent company of MTV, among others) wanted YouTube to release information such as user IDs and IP addresses of all who had uploaded or viewed videos online, with the rumoured intention that the company would subsequently use the info to sue users for copyright violations. Now, such info will be substituted with unique but anonymous identifiers. Darn; looks like the dude who uploaded that Celine Dion clip is gonna get away with it after all.
This story reminds me of: Maktub - You Can't Hide (from Khronos) [BUY]

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

HK twee sensations My Little Airport live in Malaysia on Aug 30th

What is it with twee bands and their obsession with small things? Do they think that being small automatically = cute? I for one can say that is completely not true. I am, in all purposes, fairly huge. And yet I have many people coming up to me and saying I am cute. What I often cannot understand is why they proceed to run off screaming in dismay after that. Weird people.

Anyways, just to prove that big things can be cute as well, I plan to start a twee band next week and it shall be called Big-arsed Buttocks.

I can already hear the first single in my head.


Date: 30th August 2008
Venue: Jupiter Room, Global Business Park
Address: Block A, Level 3, No8, Jln 19/1 46300 PJ
Tickets: RM55 pre-sale (before 25/7) and RM70 (at the door)

For tickets, email the organizers here

My Little Airport - Gigi Leung is Dead (from Zoo is Sad, People are Cruel)

Sunday, July 13, 2008

The Sick Sick Six: Top Naggy-arse Tracks

My dad likes to repeat things. Like how he has repeated that story about his friend that drank tap water at some party to me at least 5,467 times. Just to give you a gauge, it stopped being funny after the second time.

In the same way, I have taken after him in that I like repeating myself as well. Like how I love repeating that story about how I, you know, once dated that hottest super model in the world. Or how I seriously dated the world's hottest super model. Or how that super model that's the hottest in the world dated me. Yeah, I know, my life is so dynamic and exciting.

The Smashing Pumpkins - Sweet Sweet (from Siamese Dream) [BUY]
And in less than two-minutes, Billy coos that you should go for three spoons rather than one in the morning. Particularly if you want to be bald and wear blouses like him.

Dappled Cities - Fire Fire Fire (from Granddance) [BUY]
When it comes to 'fire' one should always try to scream it three times. I don't know why, but I am pretty sure no one can hear it even after two loud ones. Three, or your house burns to shit.

Ryan Adams - New York, New York (from Gold) [BUY]
New York again. Don't you think there's been enough people singing songs about NY? I have just about had it with people who's always singing some ode to NY. What's so special about NY anyways, other than the fact that Godzilla stomped over it once? Oh, that's pretty special. Hmm. Hey wait a minute, it's the stupid Yankee-ize Godzilla. It's shit.

The Decemberists - July, July! (from Castaways and Cutouts) [BUY]
How the heck would June feel Colin? With you singing all weepilly for July? Or August for that matter? The sucker's crying at the corner there. God, he's started drooling as a result. You have to be sensitive to your months young man.

65DaysofStatic - Retreat! Retreat! (from The Fall of Math) [BUY]
With a swift of stomp boxes and breakneck beats, the band dedicates a song to my motto in life - which is to live to fight another day. There's no better skill to learn than the skill of running, particularly away from your enemies.

Mary Lou Lord (with Semisonic) - Sugar Sugar (from Saturday Morning Cartoons' Greatest Hits) [BUY]
"Oh Billy you sexy thing, with that bald head and blouse. Come here and give Mary a kiss. Don't worry, Kurt won't mind cause he's dead. Courtney's gay anyways. Come to momma."

Friday, July 11, 2008

Word for the Week: Spain


It's gotta be a pretty good time to be Spanish right now. Your sportdudes keep winning stuff. Your bulls are happily running the streets. Your wine is about to outsell the Frenchies'. And if you're a sporty, wine-drinking bull, then well, it's all flippin' toasty, ain't it? Go have a cow.

Three Dog Night - Never Been To Spain (from Greatest Hits) [BUY]
Yeah, me neither. Looks like me and 60-year-old rockers have more in common besides failing kidneys.

Counting Crows - Holiday In Spain (from Hard Candy) [BUY]
Adam Duritz envisions a getaway where wings aren't necessary, and worries live in drains. In another life, that place woulda been called Sewer.

The White Birch - Your Spain (from Come Up For Air) [BUY]
Morose Norseman sculpts a Spain filled with over-doped eunuchs.

Julie Andrews - The Rain In Spain (from My Fair Lady (Original Broadway Soundtrack)) [BUY]
Contrary to Mrs Andrews' insistence, Spain rain so does not stay mainly in the plain. It's got a penthouse suite at the Marriott. Invited me over the other day; we ordered grapes and watched Beetlejuice.
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