Friday, December 31, 2010

Best of 2010: Pantsy's Top 8 albums in order of the top 8 ways to cook an egg

You might be wondering: what do eggs have to do with albums? Yeesh. Stop asking, start bowing. I rock. Like eggs. And my new halogen cooker.

1. Raw
Felili - The Moon
Hah, betcha weren't expecting that, huh?!? That's right, I like my brekkie au nauturale, yo. Like this album, which drops this way in January, and holds fort right through December. That's full on motha naycha for ya. It won't be beat. That's right, just like my raw eggs. I don't beat them. Just two a day, down the pipes, shell, hen, farmer and all. No wonder Tron thinks I'm such a buffbot.
Felili - How Hard I Try (from The Moon)

2. Omelette
Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
So my pet dolphin Ferdinand taught me that if you have to cook an egg, you might as well cook it with everything you've got. Which is how an omelette was invented, as was Kanye's album probably. So taking Kanye and Ferdinand's advice, I made myself an "everything I've got" omelette this morning. It had my couch, two dining chairs and Steven the neighbour's killer whale. I asked Ferdinand why something belonging to my neighbour would be considered as part of "everything I've got", but he just did that cute giggle, and I couldn't say no. I even added Steven's wife. Convincing chap, that Ferdinand.
Kanye West - Monster (from My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy)

3. Sunny side up
Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More
This album finally helped realise why they call these kinds of eggs as sunny side up. Because one day, while I was playing 'Little Lion Man', I was brushing my teeth when I realised, hey my hair looks like a lion's mane! And so I decided to implant some whiskers, and then realised I kinda liked it, and so added a tail, some claws and an antelope farm. Then I looked in the mirror again, and realised I looked like the sun. So I cooked an egg.
Mumford & Sons - After The Storm (from Sigh No More)

4. Baked
Arcade Fire - The Suburbs
I live in a suburb too. And actually, I don't agree with Arcade Fire. They told me that in the suburbs, they learned to drive. But I didn't learn to drive in the suburbs. I learned to drive around the same time my mum taught me to bake eggs, back when I was 13 months old. Yeah I know, my mum is just the coolest. she let me bake my teddy when I hit 2 years old, and roast my bolster when I was 6. She even gave me a high five each time I did it, though her aim is pretty bad so she kept missing my hand and hitting my bum. Bless her soul, can't expect those old chaps to have 20/20 vision, y'know what I mean?
Arcade Fire - Rococo (from The Suburbs)

5. Half boiled
Stars - The Five Ghosts
I imagine that the guy who discovered how to half-boil an egg is a bit like The Five Ghosts. He had to be the smartest, sweetest thing ever, and he would have to be able to make death sound really romantic. Oh I know now, he had to be a zombie! Only zombies could boil something and then not be able to withstand it any longer and dig it out of the pot and wolf it down. Ooo reminds me to say hi to my zombie neighbours. Hi Mr Esteban! Ooo nice bloody limb you're chewing there! What, you want me for dinner? Oh sure, let me get my coat.
Stars - I Died So I Could Haunt You (from The Five Ghosts)

6. Steamed
Jonsi - Go
Jonsi obviously needs to get somewhere, what with all that coloured blood bursting out of his neck. So to help Jonsi reach his intended destination, I have decided to make him a bowl of steamed eggs. Here you go man. Huh, what do you mean you prefer them poached? Dude, everyone knows that steamed eggs are better than poached eggs. You mean they don't have this sorta stuff in Iceland? Dang. No wonder you're all colourful.
Jonsi - Tornado (from Go)

7. Poached
Frightened Rabbit - The Winter of Mixed Drinks
You know, I have never poached an egg. So as I listened to The Winter of Mixed Drinks, I suddenly realised that I should learn how to do it. So I turned to ESPN, and found some highlights of Filippo Inzaghi poaching. And then the revelation hit me: the guy can poach because he isn't a real footballer. And I'm a real chef. No wonder I can't poach eggs.
Frightened Rabbit - Things (from The Winter of Mixed Drinks)

8. Hard boiled
Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings - I Learned The Hard Way
Some people tell me that making the perfect hard boiled egg is really tricky, involving some kind of spinning and rolling of some sort. So I thought, how hard can it be? So last week, I put on this Sharon Jones album, put the egg in a pot of boiling water and started spinning and rolling on my kitchen floor. After about an hour, I picked up the pieces of my toaster, nespresso machine and sandwich maker, and then looked at my egg. It still looked like an egg. So I chucked it away, and put the toasted in the pot. Was done in six minutes, no spinning needed. Real hard and boiley too. So yums.
Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings - Give It Back (from I Learned The Hard Way)

Best of 2010: The Geek's Top 8 albums if they were Ultramen

While the rest of my kin were busy checking girls out, I was busy checking guys out in sille spacemen spandex. I know, I know how it look but hey, delayed gratification has its wonders. Namely how I just got married to January while I heard one of my old friends just got engaged to a female griphon. Not that I have a problem being a bitch to a griphon mind you, cause after all, they are pretty awesome but them claws do get to you after awhile.

1. Ultraman Zero

Bruce Springsteen - The Promise
Zero is top because he's is the baddest Ultra this side of the solar system. Why? Because he got his name from wearing one of Billy Corgan's shirts. The legend has it that Zero beat Corgan in a 'who is balder' contest. If that's not baldass I don't know what is. Eh, I mean badass.

Bruce Springsteen - Racing in the Street (from The Promise)

2. Ultraman Leo

The Arcade Fire - Suburbs
And coming in not too far away in the badass department is the man who trained Zero. And seriously, the only reason why Leo is not number 1 is because Zero has more colors on him, and more is always ... better. Yes. Like how more pork fat is better than ... yep, less pork fat.

The Arcade Fire - Half Light I (from Suburbs)

3. Ultraman Tiga

Magic Kids - Memphis
You know why 'Tiga' comes in at number 3? Do you seriously want to know why? Like isn't it obvious? Yeah, that's right, cause he's the only Ultraman with purple on him. Oh, that's not what you thought. Oh ... cause 'Tiga' is Bahasa for the number 3? What a nonsensical idea

Magic Kids - Superball (from Memphis)

4. Ultra Seven

The Drums - The Drums
Hah, I bet you thought that given my extremely powerful humor, that I would place Ultra Seven at the seventh spot, but you are wrong. I have placed him at the fourth. You want to know why? Because 4 + 3 = 7. And as my dad always said, it's the journey that counts more than the destination.

The Drums - Book of Stories (from The Drums)

5. Ultraman Dyna

The Radio Dept - Clinging to a Scheme
Ultraman Dyna surely has had to endure a lot of shit in his life. How can I know for sure? Cause he's got a chick's name. And back where the monsters are, they don't treat chick Ultragirls with much respect. Hmm ... yeah no respect.

The Radio Dept - David (from Clinging to a Scheme)

6. Ultraman Belial

Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
Only one person deserves spot number 6 and that's the 'devil' Ultraman himself, Belial. How can you tell Belial is evil by just looking at him? I can't honestly. Other than the fact that he walks with a hunch, which I presume is as a result of him having a bad father that never corrected his posture. And we all know all good villains have fathers who never corrected their posture.

Kanye West - Runaway (from My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy)

7. Ultraman

The National - High Violet
The original dude, the one who started the red spandex craze. One has to pay him plenty of respect, even though his eyes look like eggs, and I feel like poaching them. Or sunny side up? Or ammunition in an egg fight. Sorry what was this post about again?

The National - Sorrow (from High Violet)

8. Ultraman Taro

Beach House - Teen Dream
Beach House music = horny. Ultraman Taro = horny. Peace

Beach House - Zebra (from Teen Dream)

Best of 2010: Genusfrog's Top 8 albums if they were members of Girls Generation

When the Venezuelan druglords to whom we pirates are ultimately answerable gave us our year-end list categories, my hydra-rabbit ate my modem, I got the memo late and by then, those two damned pantsy geeks had already taken the juicy categories. Which leaves me with Girls Generation. Always a conscientious pirate though, I went out, did my homework, romanced them all and am back with the story to tell.

The one with the Farrah Fawcett hair
Dum Dum Girls - I Will Be

Ah, yes. The Dum Dum Girls probably didn't make it into many year-end lists but it's probably also true that none of those critics ever watched the entire back-catalog of Voltron with the lead singer of Girls Generation. I, however, have, and I can confirm with you that 1:53 of Bhang Bhang (I'm A Burnout) sounds exactly like the noise The one with the Farrah Fawcett hair makes when the yellow lion locks into position to form Voltron's left leg and she jumps up on the sofa making v-signs at the TV and making lion cries.

Dum Dum Girls - Bhang Bhang (I'm A Burnout) (from I Will Be)

The ugliest one
Arcade Fire - The Suburbs

If you're wondering what's the similarity between Arcade Fire and the ugliest member of Girls Generation, here's the link: The ugliest one's right armpit has a birthmark that reminds me of the map of the suburb where I grew up on my nanna's lawn and ran up and down the pavements with by buddy Sam, and then Sam got hit by a car, and nobody wanted to drive him to a hospital, so he died in my arms that day. It's incredible what memories an ugly Korean girl can jog back to life.

Arcade Fire - The Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains) (from The Suburbs)

The one with the come-hither look
Black Keys – Brothers

I was jogging with The one with the come-hither look around the park one day when a lion approached us and asked for directions to the zoo. I said it's left, then straight, then take the u-turn and then the second right. She insisted that it was straight, then 3 o'clock at the roundabout, then left and left again. When the lion left, she turned to me and said she was carrying twins. Which makes them brothers.

Black Keys - Tighten Up (from Brothers)

The one that looks like a man
Vivian Girls - Everything Goes Wrong

Hah, so you thought the connection was simple: a girl looks like a man = everything goes wrong. But you are wrong. Yet you are not everything. The connection is that I once knew a man called Vivian. Yes, Vivian played rugby, ate his steaks alive, kept a polar bear in his bathroom and had a chainsaw surgically implanted into his left elbow. Vivian is still alive today, in the deep recesses of every girl who looks like a man.

Vivian Girls - I'm Not Asleep (from Everything Goes Wrong)

The one with the mata juling
Magic Kids – Memphis

I was midway romancing The one with the mata juling on top of a photocopier when The Geek came in with his Top 8 list wearing Ultraman Dyna's suit. Just as me and my Girl Generation were about ignoring him, bloody Pantsy came in eating a half-boiled egg. And as those two children started bragging about their respective Top 8s, I impregnated The one with the mata juling and a litter of magic kids came flying out of the paper chute.

Magic Kids - Hey Boy (from Memphis)

The one with gold stuff on the shoulders
The Drums by The Drums

See, the thing about having gold stuff on your shoulders is that it's not enough to just have it on your shoulders. You might start with your shoulders but then you'll also want gold stuff on your kneecaps, and at the back of your ears and in your armpits and just about everywhere where gold stuff shouldn't go. Which was the case with The one with gold stuff on the shoulders, such that when I say I romanced her, you should take it to mean more like I brought her to my neighbourhood bank and romanced her into a safe deposit box.

The Drums - Down By The Water (from The Drums)

The one that looks like a sad boy
Starflyer 59 - Changing Of The Guard

I knew a sad boy once. He got a pony for his birthday, console games whenever he got Ds in his exams, a bevy of French maids for whenever he messed up his room and a jaguar when his pony started misbehaving. And he was sad because all he wanted to do was to romance Girls Generation - not all of them, just one: this one. The one that looks like a sad boy. I gave this one to him and didn't stay to watch. He's now a happ... Pardon, Thérèse! Have you not fed my jaguaar?

Starflyer 59 - Shane (from Changing Of The Guard)

The one whose hat is falling off her head
She & Him - Volume 2

When a girl wears a hat and it falls off her head, what does that mean? That she has a small head? Nopes. That it is a big hat? Also nope. Perhaps she is hanging from the ceiling on a rope? Certainly not. When a girl wears a hat and it falls off her head, it means she is a sea monkey. Don't believe me? Then prove it: have you ever seen a sea monkey wear a hat? Ahaaaa!

She & Him - Gonna Get Along Without You Now (from Volume Two)

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Look what I found in the bargain bin but did not buy

Under the Radar

Price: RM 4.95

So once in awhile I see things that remind me of a time in the past, when I was someone different. Like this album for example. As soon as I caught sight of it, I was immediately transported back to 2001, back to a time when I loved going to the zoo and seeing the animals, loved painting (I would paint for days) and running shamelessly in open fields, basking in the sun and the smell of grass. Ah, that was indeed a good time ...

... ha ha, I'm just shitting you. It actually reminds me of this beautiful day when I tickled a zookeeper and a painter to death and torched their chest hairs in an open field next to a zoo.

No animals were harmed in the process though.

Grade - Stolen Bikes Ride Faster (from Under the Radar)

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

This Week's Track 9 - Black Tambourine - By Tomorrow

Some people thrive on having short deadlines. They go about telling each other "do this by tomorrow" or "do that by tomorrow". But not for me. I love taking my time to do trivial things. For example, one of my great achievements in life involves taking three months to open a bottle of milk. Every year or two, I have myself a nice sour bottle of milk and boy is it... what? What do you mean milk isn't supposed to taste sour? That's nonsense. Liquid? Man, I dunno what kind of milk you're eating but from the look of it, it sure doesn't have all that yummy congealed bits. Hahaaa, what a loser. Go buy yourself some proper milk and come back to me in three months.


Black Tambourine - By Tomorrow (from Complete Recordings)

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Elvis Costello Live in Singapore: March 7

Some day, I want to be like Elvis Costello. You know, earn the respect of his fellow professionals, be regarded as one of the foremost forward-thinking individual of his generation and still look cool when everything starts going south (you know, your bojangles). And he did not do it by writing a bunch of timeless songs, putting together a bunch of classic albums, collaborating with some of the greatest musical legends of all time and managing to make the name 'Elvis' his own. He did it by the power of his glasses. What? No, no, I assure you it's the glasses. Have you ever stared into the damn thing? It's like you're being sucked into purgatory or something, the 7th hell. 'She'? She devil more like. Brrr ...


Date: 7th March 2011 (Monday)
Grand Theater, Marina Bay Sands, Singapore
S$210 (A Reserve), S$170 (B Reserve), S$140 (C Reserve), S$110 (D Reserve), S$90 (E Reserve)
On sale via Sistic

Elvis Costello - Poisoned Rose (from King of America)

Friday, December 17, 2010

Friday Fartwork: Bob Dylan's Bootleg Series

Bob Dylan
The Bootleg Series Volumes 1-3 (Rare & Unreleased) 1962-1991

In today's Friday Fartwork, we see Bob Dylan gorging on a karipap while trying to record the sound he makes when so doing. Let's deconstruct this elusive graphic.

The central visual is, of course, Bob Dylan himself. Looking just like a woman, he is clearly in a recording studio, eating a karipap in front of a microphone. Why he would record the sound of himself eating a karipap is beyond us all - even in this field of fartworking, some things will forever remain a mystery. But Bob has left us some clues.

The main thrust of clues all point towards his intended anonymity. We have already covered the fact that Bob is trying his best here to look like a woman. Maybe even Cate Blanchet. But not only that - he is also wearing dark glasses. That's an elementary school incognito move.

Another clue lies in the typography - the words "Bob Dylan" are printed in a pale blue - so pale it almost disappears into the background. Clearly now, this entire artwork takes on a chilling new meaning, one enshrouded in dissociative personalities and fractured/dissipating identities.

The question that should perplex any serious semiotist then is: why has Bob Dylan chosen to conceal his true self (and in so doing, reveal his "other" selves) in this bootleg compilation? Is the godfather of folk telling us that on his rare and unreleased tracks, he is essentially a different man, or perhaps a woman? And while we're asking questions, why is Bob Dylan recording the sound of himself eating karipap? Is it shameful? Is that the reason behind his rejection of identity? Is it a cross-cultural issue? Or an eating disorder? Or perhaps an experimental music in-joke that only esoterists understand?

The answer, my friends, is blowing in the wind.

Bob Dylan - Last Thought On Woodie Guthrie (from The Bootleg Series Volumes 1-3 (Rare & Unreleased) 1962-1991)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Stone Temple Pilots Live in Indonesia: March 13th

Have you ever wondered what a Stone Temple Pilot is? I have always been wondered what it is. I continue to ask myself throughout the early 2000s, till now. And then as I was preparing this post and looking at the picture above, it suddenly dawned upon me. It's someone who tries to dress up as a yellow Yogi Bear. Now it all makes sense.


Date: 13th March 2011 (Sunday)
Venue: Ex-Police Academy, Ancol, Indonesia
Tickets: More info soon

Stone Temple Pilots - Vasoline (from Purple)

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

In the papers today...

A snow storm caused the roof of an American football stadium to cave in. The roof of The Metrodome in Minnesota, home to the Minnesota Vikings, was overwhelmed by the weight of snow on it, and eventually collapsed in the morning. This forced the Vikings to hold its games elsewhere. It also forced Miley Cyrus to move her concert to a new location, and it will now be held in Puff the Magic Dragon's lair, and will feature a new tune called Bong Bong Bong To My Song Song Song.

This story reminds me of: The Moviegoers - Avalanche (from Big High School/Avalance 7")

The notorious hacker group Anonymous has declared war on snow. The hacker group, which have earned worldwide fame for their web attacks on the Paypal, Gene Simmons and the Church of Scientology, are now on a mission to fight back against snow. Among their plans are to attack the Weather Channel website and upvote the sun as Time's Person of the Year. When Frosty was told of these plans by news reporters, he stood silent for two minutes, then pulled the carrot from his nose and ate it.

This story reminds me of: The Soft Province - In A Some See No One Club (from The Soft Province)

Police in Massachusetts arrested a 54-year-old woman, but only after she had been pepper sprayed twice and zapped with a stun gun three times. The first police officer came onto the scene after receiving two complaints of disturbance coming from the apartment of Maria E. Alvarez. A struggle soon broke out, and eventually the woman was subdued with the help of another police officer. The following day, Dreamworks announced that it had signed up Maria to star in their upcoming 2012 film, King Kong's Bride: The Baddest Beeyatch Evah.

This story reminds me of: The Jezabels - Mace Spray (from Dark Storm EP)

Monday, December 13, 2010

Look what I found in the bargain bin

Various Artists
War Child presents Heroes

Price: RM9.90

My uncle Arnold was a hero to me. Why? Because he killed about 2,536 people in his lifetime including Satan. That and he once carried a huge tree trunk with one hand and he spoke like Hitler. The only problem I had with him was that whenever he visited (which was often), he would just stand behind my room door, flexing his biceps, not saying a word and just holding that pose. In fact, if I did not knew better, I would think he was a poster.

TV on the Radio - Heroes (David Bowie) (from War Child presents Heroes)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Look what I found in the bargain bin

The Stills
Logic Will Break Your Heart

Price: RM9.90

Look at the cover. Just look at it. I've been. And you know what it tells me? It tells that The Stills believe that logic will break your heart through the power of shuriken rain. What is shuriken rain? No one really knows cause no one's lived to tell the tale. Why I believe it's shuriken rain? What is your problem? Don't you know? Come closer, I'll tell you ...

... God is a ninja.

The Stills - Of Montreal (from Logic Will Break Your Heart)

Friday, December 10, 2010

Friday Fartwork: Sufjan Stevens' Peace

Sufjan Stevens
Sufjan Stevens Presents Songs For Christmas Vol V: Peace
(Athsmatic Kitty)

Christmas is just around the corner, and so it's only fair for our Friday Fartwork to dip its toes into some holiday fun.

Fun indeed, because in Sufjan Stevens' fifth volume of Christmas carols, Peace, we are treated to a scene of ghastly violence and robbing of innocence. Let's get right into it.

The main graphic shows Santa Claus, having transformed into a lion, attempting to devour a lamb - itself, a symbol of childhood and infancy.

Santa Claus, like all those werewolves in oldskool werewolf movies, has clearly just transformed into a ferocious lion - we know this not only from his posture (cradling the lamb/child on his lap) but especially from the Santa hat, which he/it is still wearing. In the place of his big white beard, Santa has grown a mane of fiery orange. What was once white is now the colour of the flames of hell. Indeed, the lamb in question is due for a bloodbath.

Of course, the lamb does not represent a specific kid, like a Donnie or a Polly, but childhood itself - nay, childhood and all that it represents: naivety, vulnerability, and most importantly, innocence. This disturbing visual in fact tells the story of Santa Claus robbing children of their innocence. More clues to this chilling message lie in the typography.

The album title, Peace, is set in a typeface reminiscent of hippie art from the late 1960s. But where hippie art was typified by psychedelic use of colours, the peace that lamb-eating Santa is offering is devoid of joy, displayed in washed-out white and furnished with a 130-degree drop shadow, creating a black and white effect reminiscent of film noir's chiaroscuro photography. This in turn hints at the dark side behind Santa's motives.

Beneath the word "Peace" are nondescript, informative words like "Sufjan Stevens" "Presents" and "2006 Vol V". But occupying a prominent position - on the same level as Santa's hat, the remaining clue to his true identity - is the word "Christmas", adorned with the wool of dead lambs. This wool, again, is not the wool of a bunch of kids who have died, but is the wool of ruined childhoods and robbed chastities.

All-in-all, what we have here is an impassioned warning against trusting your children with Santa Clauses, anywhere in the world. Sufjan's alarm bell is completed in his own, personal and stern response in the second track of the album, posted below.

Sufjan Stevens - Get Behind Me Santa! (from Sufjan Stevens Presents Songs For Christmas Vol V: Peace)

Thursday, December 9, 2010

This Week's Track 9 - Mendoza Line - Tiny Motions

This week's featured Track 9 is Tiny Motions by The Mendoza Line. Of course, Mendoza Line think they know a lot about tiny motions but not as much as me, no. Because every day, I go to the toilet after The Geek, and all I ever see are his tiny motions. Why, you may ask, does The Geek leave behind tiny motions? The answer is because he has a tiny buttcrack. And that, my friends, is what pretentious people like to call "logic".

Yes, I do love a good logic puzzle. Let's try another one: if you have five French maids in your house, what does that say about your house? What? That it's gets dirty quickly? Logically, it means that your house is actually my house. Wait...

Pardonnez-moi, Bijou, you missed a spot. Right here. Yes, merci, babie.

The Mendoza Line - Tiny Motions (from Fortune)

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Mosaic Music fest 2011, w/ The National, 65daysofstatic, Joanna Newsom and Tortoise

It seems like the Mosaic Music Festival has become an annual rite of passage for indie fans in these parts. As such, with March's edition coming around, and The National, Tortoise, Joanna Newsom, 65daysofstatic and Jamie Liddell among the chaps coming down, I thought it would only be right to offer the definitive 12-step journey towards preparing your heart, soul and mind for this annual rite of passage. Please follow each one dilligently, and by the time March arrives, you will be swimming in Indie Zen for the entire week.

Step 1: Buy a choo choo train.
Step 2: Eat the choo choo train.
Step 3: Poo out the choo choo train.
Step 4: Smell the pooed out choo choo train.
Step 5-11: Faint.
Step 12: Ride the choo choo train to Mosaic Music Fest.

See the full schedule here. Tickets go on sale 9 December.

The National - Terrible Love (from High Violet)

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Look what I found in the bargain bin

Foxboro Hot Tubs
Stop Drop and Roll!!!
(Jingle Town)

Price: RM10

Have you ever bought something just because it had some mild connection to some pleasant memory you had of your youth? Yea, so have I. Which was why I bought this album. It reminded me of when I was 13, and discovered that if you put a fox in a hot tub, it would actually come out really soft and tender, and you could then use the boiled fox for a great fox stew. Yeah, I was making stews at 13. Which was why I also recently bought an old English maid. I love my youth.

Foxboro Hot Tubs - Alligator (from Stop Drop and Roll!!!)

Monday, December 6, 2010

Yeasayer and !!! in Indonesia, Jan 2011

So the Laneway sideshows are in full swing, beginning with Indonesia in January. Which reminds me, I would like to announce my own list of Laneway sideshows, happening in Uncle Ciku's backyard on Sunday, 30 Jan at 3pm. Among the highlights will be Beach House's beach towel, Deerhunter's hunter, Yeasayer's yea and one of !!!'s !. I know, I wanted to invite the other two !!s, but one ! was picking his nose, while the other ! was busy snogging ; and ?. So hard to trust in punctuation these days.

Yeasayer - Madder Red (from Odd Blood)
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