Friday, December 31, 2010

Best of 2010: Pantsy's Top 8 albums in order of the top 8 ways to cook an egg

You might be wondering: what do eggs have to do with albums? Yeesh. Stop asking, start bowing. I rock. Like eggs. And my new halogen cooker.

1. Raw
Felili - The Moon
Hah, betcha weren't expecting that, huh?!? That's right, I like my brekkie au nauturale, yo. Like this album, which drops this way in January, and holds fort right through December. That's full on motha naycha for ya. It won't be beat. That's right, just like my raw eggs. I don't beat them. Just two a day, down the pipes, shell, hen, farmer and all. No wonder Tron thinks I'm such a buffbot.
Felili - How Hard I Try (from The Moon)

2. Omelette
Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
So my pet dolphin Ferdinand taught me that if you have to cook an egg, you might as well cook it with everything you've got. Which is how an omelette was invented, as was Kanye's album probably. So taking Kanye and Ferdinand's advice, I made myself an "everything I've got" omelette this morning. It had my couch, two dining chairs and Steven the neighbour's killer whale. I asked Ferdinand why something belonging to my neighbour would be considered as part of "everything I've got", but he just did that cute giggle, and I couldn't say no. I even added Steven's wife. Convincing chap, that Ferdinand.
Kanye West - Monster (from My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy)

3. Sunny side up
Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More
This album finally helped realise why they call these kinds of eggs as sunny side up. Because one day, while I was playing 'Little Lion Man', I was brushing my teeth when I realised, hey my hair looks like a lion's mane! And so I decided to implant some whiskers, and then realised I kinda liked it, and so added a tail, some claws and an antelope farm. Then I looked in the mirror again, and realised I looked like the sun. So I cooked an egg.
Mumford & Sons - After The Storm (from Sigh No More)

4. Baked
Arcade Fire - The Suburbs
I live in a suburb too. And actually, I don't agree with Arcade Fire. They told me that in the suburbs, they learned to drive. But I didn't learn to drive in the suburbs. I learned to drive around the same time my mum taught me to bake eggs, back when I was 13 months old. Yeah I know, my mum is just the coolest. she let me bake my teddy when I hit 2 years old, and roast my bolster when I was 6. She even gave me a high five each time I did it, though her aim is pretty bad so she kept missing my hand and hitting my bum. Bless her soul, can't expect those old chaps to have 20/20 vision, y'know what I mean?
Arcade Fire - Rococo (from The Suburbs)

5. Half boiled
Stars - The Five Ghosts
I imagine that the guy who discovered how to half-boil an egg is a bit like The Five Ghosts. He had to be the smartest, sweetest thing ever, and he would have to be able to make death sound really romantic. Oh I know now, he had to be a zombie! Only zombies could boil something and then not be able to withstand it any longer and dig it out of the pot and wolf it down. Ooo reminds me to say hi to my zombie neighbours. Hi Mr Esteban! Ooo nice bloody limb you're chewing there! What, you want me for dinner? Oh sure, let me get my coat.
Stars - I Died So I Could Haunt You (from The Five Ghosts)

6. Steamed
Jonsi - Go
Jonsi obviously needs to get somewhere, what with all that coloured blood bursting out of his neck. So to help Jonsi reach his intended destination, I have decided to make him a bowl of steamed eggs. Here you go man. Huh, what do you mean you prefer them poached? Dude, everyone knows that steamed eggs are better than poached eggs. You mean they don't have this sorta stuff in Iceland? Dang. No wonder you're all colourful.
Jonsi - Tornado (from Go)

7. Poached
Frightened Rabbit - The Winter of Mixed Drinks
You know, I have never poached an egg. So as I listened to The Winter of Mixed Drinks, I suddenly realised that I should learn how to do it. So I turned to ESPN, and found some highlights of Filippo Inzaghi poaching. And then the revelation hit me: the guy can poach because he isn't a real footballer. And I'm a real chef. No wonder I can't poach eggs.
Frightened Rabbit - Things (from The Winter of Mixed Drinks)

8. Hard boiled
Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings - I Learned The Hard Way
Some people tell me that making the perfect hard boiled egg is really tricky, involving some kind of spinning and rolling of some sort. So I thought, how hard can it be? So last week, I put on this Sharon Jones album, put the egg in a pot of boiling water and started spinning and rolling on my kitchen floor. After about an hour, I picked up the pieces of my toaster, nespresso machine and sandwich maker, and then looked at my egg. It still looked like an egg. So I chucked it away, and put the toasted in the pot. Was done in six minutes, no spinning needed. Real hard and boiley too. So yums.
Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings - Give It Back (from I Learned The Hard Way)
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