Sunday, June 29, 2008

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Further Seems Forever - Snowbirds and Townies

Fountains and flourescent lights.
When season has come

the snowbirds have crowded the nights.

And old townies are tired of the beaches and bars
being packed so tight.

And bridges, and traffic, and inlets, are locked in their fight.

And on these boats, ride the hopes of working class boys,
dreaming of girls, from far away points.
And better things. Like winter flings.

And longing after spring has sprung.
And they fly north when winter's done.
And we get burned in summer's sun.

Fountains and fluorescent lights.

When season has come
the snowbirds have crowded the nights.
And young townies and tourists find unlikely love at first sight.
And swear that they're never leaving and that is their plight.

This winter is lasting forever,
at least for tonight.
And I know that you're never leaving,

until your flight,
takes you off,
And out of my arms,
and into the air,
So far from your charms,
that I cannot bare,
Another year,
in this long forgotten beach town, we once shared.
This winter is lasting forever,
at least for tonight.
And I know that you're never
leaving me again.
No, not again.

Wait, just a damn minute. This song's about getting drunk on some beach and scoring with a small-town chick right? Right? I mean, last thing I want is another sappy song about some long distance relationship. Aww man. You have to be kidding me. I could have sworn I saw the words 'beer' and 'booze' somewhere in the lyrics. Oh wait a minute, it's 'boys'. No, no I am fine. Not drunk at all. Just going to head on down to the bar there to score me that hot babe. Weird, she looks awfully hairy under the chin.

Further Seems Forever - Snowbirds and Townies (from The Moon is Down) [BUY]

Friday, June 27, 2008

Fad of the Land: Mobile Phone Recharge Pod

Even though we Pirates won't be present at this year's Glastonbury (or the next, or the one after that and the 38 after that, any trannies sponsoring, we make good pavlovas), our inner altruists just can't help but ensure that all you festival-going, Pyramid Stage-fronting, mushroom-popping, Jay-Z dissing — WHO AM I KIDDING??? Bloody spoilt punks who live in that part of the world!!! Eavis, you dweeb! Why can't you ferry over a tenth of them acts this way, huh??!? — people receive premium info, straight from the bellies of us, the always forgiving, never envying, fully understanding pirates.

As such. we would like to let you know about the Recharge Pod, which might just end up being the most popular venue at this year's Glasto. Conceived by Orange mobile, the seven-metre high tent utilises wind and solar energy to generate enough power for charging around 100 mobile phones an hour. It serves as a trial for eventual large-scale usage, whereby future festival tents could be entirely powered by renewable sources.

You got that? Alright then. Go have fun, okay? Take lots of photos, okay? Meet new friends, find new bands, call mum, save the earth, okay? Okay? OKAYYYYY????



Sigur Rós - Festival (from Með Suð í Eyrum Við Spilum Endalaust) [BUY]

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Euro 2008: The White Stripes rule the Euros

There can be no worse time to be Enrique Iglesias. Never mind that he has just released a greatest hits album that debuted at #1 on Billboard's Latin Album Charts. Or that he's about to headline a MTV-sponsored fest in Malta with 40,000 bikinibods in attendance. Or that he's dating Anna Kournikova.

No, there can be no worse time to be Enrique Iglesias because his theme song for the Euros is getting bitch-slapped into anonymity by 'Seven Nation Army'. Every game is being preceded by that White Stripes rump rocker. Every fan, and particularly the Russians, has taken to chanting the "dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dummm-dummmm" riff before, during and after entire games. And as the Dutch can testify, there are fewer things more intimidating than watching your ocean of orange orangs get trumped by a choir of atonal bolsheviks.

And so, in the fine tradition of impeccable pirates predictions, I declare that Luis Aragones and Co will be utterly overwhelmed by that Jack and Meg anthem, and will spend tomorrow morning organising their finals viewing parties. Spanish grief counsellors will be flown in to help David Villa accept the fact that he isn't half as talented as he tried to be. And about that self-styled singing Spanish sexpot? As I said, there can be no worse time to be Enrique Iglesias.

To read about the great White hype, click here.

The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army (from Elephant) [BUY]

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

In the papers today...

This week marks the final week that Bill Gates will be an employee of Microsoft. After Friday, the company's co-founder will take a two-month break, during which he'll travel round the world, attend the Beijing Olympics and then move on to oversee the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, his charity organisation which has a US$37.3 billion endowment. Right. And when I quit, I'll spend a day cleaning my room.
This story reminds me of: This Is Ivy League - The Richest Kids (from This Is Ivy League) [BUY]

It has been a week since Download Day, the day last Tuesday when Mozilla released version three of its Firefox browser and urged netizens worldwide to help break the world record of five million downloads in 24 hours. The results? Eight million downloads in 24 hours and 18 million by today for a browser that is reportedly 10 times faster than Explorer 7. Maybe Bill Gates should postpone that retirement a few more weeks.
This story reminds me of: Sway - Download (from This Is My Demo) [BUY]

Wimbledon begins this week. Over 600 players will participate in the grassy event, with miniskirted Russians and tight-teed Spaniards promising to provide the spectacle of the moment. Oh, you thought I was talking about the tennis tournament? Silly billy. I'm talking about the Euro semifinals. Yeah, it's actually called Wimbledon, ya know. And yup, those shorts that Arshavin wears are actually called miniskirts. Yeah, Russian is a weird language.
This story reminds me of: Le Man Avec Les Lunettes - Tennis System And Its Stars (from Qui Chèrche Trouve)

The Sick Sick Six: 6 Songs Named After 6 Kick-Ass Actors

Ah actors, don't you just love them? Oh, you don't? Well why? Oh, the bastard ran away with who? Oh dear. And did she ever explain? Oh money, I see. Well, besides that? Said he looked like Tom Cruise? What's that, it was Tom Cruise?! Are you sure? Isn't he like somewhere pretending to be a gay Nazi boy now? I mean Nazi. Yeah, I added the gay. Sorry. You sure it was him? Hmm isn't that like sort of a compliment knowing that your chick ran away with one of the biggest stars in the world? Yeah that's right. Don't you see that? That's the spirit. What? Did you just say Katie Holmes?

The Teenagers - Starlett Johansson (from Reality Check) [BUY]
When I was about 8, I found myself in the swamps of Vietnam once. How the hell should I know what I was doing there? I don't make these things up. Anyway, the crossfires were zipping around and as I rolled on over to get myself out of the grimy mud, I found myself rolling on to a nice puffy bed with all the models from the 1998 Sports Illustrated issue on it as well. Whatever I was feeling then must be what Ryan Reynolds must be feeling these days because one moment he is in bed with Alanis, the next he is in bed with Scarlett.

The Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood (from Gorillaz) [BUY]
I had a theory when I was about 20. People ridiculed me for having such a silly idea but I persevered anyway. And as the years rolled by, my theory has become closer and closer to the truth. My theory is that the wrinkles on Clint Eastwood's face is in actual fact the city grid for Mexico City and that the spots on his face are in actual fact markers on where the drug cartels keep their stocks. I have not been able to convince anyone of this but if someone would just listen, bring Eastwood in and study his face, we can rid Mexico of drugs forever.

The Postal Service - Clark Gable (from Give Up) [BUY]
From what I see of Clark Gable, the man has a mustache. He is in fact, perhaps the only man I know who has one and people still consider him sexy. And by 'sexy' I mean 'haven't beaten the shit out of him for being a suspected biker/child rapist'. The other thing is that, every other picture of him on Google Images is of him kissing. Which leads me to think that man + mustache = kissing and kissing = getting laid. Basically, my dream now is to grow myself a thick grimy mustache .

Ozma - Natalie Portman (from Rock and Roll Part Three) [BUY]
There are many things that has been said about Natalie Portman. Gorgeous, skinny, sexy, bald, etc. But no one has ever called her 'blind' because she clearly is. It's either she's blind or that she's been pissed-mad drunk for the past year or so. And since my mom always told me that the easiest route to a conclusion is usually the right one (which is why I kidnap girls rather than date them), I conclude therefor that she is blind. Why? Why?! Because only a goddamn blind person would be able to go home to something like this. Poor girl. Somebody, save her!

Mika - Grace Kelly (from Life in Cartoon Motion) [BUY]
Grace Kelly is sadly a man. Yeah I know, she has those ungodly curves, those deep gorgeous eyes and that golden yellow hair but I can assure you, she's a guy. I mean, look at Mika. Do you think a man like this would actually be singing a song for a full blooded woman? Friend, you are sorely mistaken. So therefore, we can all safely say that Grace Kelly is a man. Oh, he sings about wanting to be Grace Kelly in the song? Oh dear, this is worst than I thought.

The Dollyrots - Jackie Chan (from Eat My Heart Out) [BUY]
And lastly, a song for the man that could rip your damn heart out if he wanted to. Sure, he looks like he is worth about RM5.00 but hey, I can assure you, someone that can leap up buildings in three jumps, battle great-white sharks and punch the bad guys out after drinking himself blind is a damn god in our books. In fact, he is a damn 'gods', as in more than one god, however you say that. 'Many gods'? Not snappy enough, not snappy enough.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Arty Album Art: The Shins - Chutes Too Narrow

Design by Jesse LeDoux

On a normal day, pulling out a gatefolded CD sleeve is about as exciting as watching Italy and Spain play for 120 minutes, then decide to forgo the penalty shootout and play for another 120 minutes more while telling David Villa to go refill the Gatorade bucket so they can insert 10 more Andrés Iniestas who promise to dish out an endless stream of awry passes so the Austrian ballboys have something to do besides gawk at Spanish female fans.

So what does that make Chutes Too Narrow? A bit like...

...Torres finishing off a knife-edge through ball from Alonso following some one-touch interplay with Fabregas (because Xavi and Iniesta caught syphilis) in the 18th minute...

...and in response, De Rossi unloads a 40-metre thunderbolt in the 33rd minute that melts the goalposts on its way to goal-of-the-tourney utopia...

...and then Alfredo Di Stefano and Gianni Rivera reincarnate, and Roberto Baggio re-hips the ponytail and Raul rewinds to 21 years old...

...and then I wake up. Oh wait, I was already awake. Donadoni you ditz, you so totally owe me two hours.

The Shins - Turn A Square (from Chutes Too Narrow) [BUY]

Friday, June 20, 2008

Euro 2008: The Ultimate Shit XI of the Group Phase

The quarters are here. Portugal has bit the grimier side of a German's bung hole but there are three more quarter-final fixtures to be played. So in the spirit of absolute bone-breaking uselessness, us three Pirates sat down and thought about the shittiest 11 players we've seen so far in the group phase. I mean seriously, who really cares that Wesley Sneijder is looking like best damn midfielder in the world at the moment for the Netherlands, it's better to think about the bloody bastards who wasted our precious hours of sleep by being complete bungling idiots with a ball.

We qualify this post by saying that we seriously don't give a koala's arse if Mario Gomez goes on to score a hat-full of goals between now and the final because to us, he will always be shit in the group phase.

Note: It's important to point out that the two forwards leading our shit XI frontline also happens to be the same two forwards who were leading our predicted All-Star XI before the tournament started, which among other things proves that Pirates, above being experts at looting, are also experts at talking through the crack that's decorating our butthole.

Antonios Nikopolidis (GK) - Greece
Ah dear Antonios, flying out against the Russians but catching Austrian air instead.
Franz Ferdinand - Missing You (from Michael single) [BUY]

Gianluca Zambrotta (D) - Italy
For a moment against Romania, Gianluca must've been thinking about sex. Why? Because there was no other thing that could've caused the lapse of concentration that led to that awful backpass that in turn led to Mutu's goal. In fact, we're thinking sex with at least three women.
The Most Serene Republic - Why So Looking Back (from Population) [BUY]

Marcell Jansen (D) - Germany
Was so awful against Croatia that coach Joachim Loew nearly had to change around the entire Germany to fix that tactical mistake. About as German as Bruce Springsteen this one.
The Clientele - Somebody Changed (from God Save the Clientele) [BUY]

Eric Abidal (D) - France
An ambitious start at the centre of a dodgy-looking French defence. Was red-carded before everyone was properly seated. And sure, his possibly hot wife/girlfriend may console him by saying that it wasn't his fault that the French were knocked out but it is. Yep, no two ways about it, the bastard did them in.
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Red Eyes and Tears (from B.R.M.C.) [BUY]

Andrea Barzagali (D) - Italy
Was bitch-slapped, cuffed to a pink bath tub and forced to make chicken sounds by the Dutch. Has not seen much sunlight since.
Starflyer 59 - You Don't Miss Me (from Americana) [BUY]

Torsten Frings (M) - Germany
Made plenty of top class passes - to the Croatians that is. Spent 33% of his time on the field arguing or scowling at someone. Probably has not gotten laid for awhile now. Germany looked about 77% better against Portugal with him absent.
The Smiths - Bigmouth Strikes Again (from The Queen is Dead) [BUY]

Xavi (M) - Spain
Has been about as influential as a mahagony dinner table. Why he keeps starting and not Xabi Alonso or Cesc Fabregas remains quite a mystery to us three. And by 'mystery' we mean 'rippingAragones'throatout'.
The Twilight Sad - That Summer, At Home I Had Become The Invisible Boy (from Fourteen Autumns and Fifteen Winters) [BUY]

Patrick Vieira (M) - France
Vieira hogged the bench like an idiot despite being two bruises short of a set of crutches, which resulted in the rather brilliant Flamini being sent home. Never mind that he played a grand total of 'no' minutes. Probably spent more time farting on the bench than thinking about football.
Grandaddy - Broken Household Appliance National Forest (from The Sophtware Slump) [BUY]

Simao Sambrosa (M) - Portugal
Pulled rank on Cristiano Ronaldo against Turkey over a freekick. Sent his effort to that hunk of dust between Saturn and Jupiter. Has since been the laughing stock of an otherwise fairly brilliant Portugal side.
Beachwood Sparks - Yer Selfish Ways (from Once We Were Trees) [BUY]

Mario Gomez (F) - Germany
Missed a chance against Austria that frankly, a Smurf could've scored. Has not scored a single goal so far. Quite likely the biggest misfiring baboon of the tournament so far followed closely by ...
The Smashing Pumpkins - Zero (from Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness) [BUY]

Luca Toni (F) - Italy
... this huge lumbering bufoon. If he had taken all the chances he has had so far, he could have Platini shitting into his suit already. Instead, has scored a grand total of, yep, 'no' goals.
Toad the Wet Sprocket - Little Man Big Man (from Coil) [BUY]

Raymond Domenech (Coach) - France
All this talk about him being such an avid astrologer that he wouldn't allow some people of a certain star sign start in his defence or even get into his squad is so sensationally stupid that it must be true. Already deserves to be here simple for starting Abidal as a centreback against Italy. And because he followed up the heart-wrenching loss against Italy with a proposal to his girlfriend when the whole squad was mourning, he deserves to coach this whole lot of losers.
Paris Hilton - Stars Are Blind (from Paris) [BUY]

Free download of Slipknot's new song for next 24 hours

No time to waste, so we'll get right to it. We gotta be efficient. Gotta be snappy. Get to the point. Yep. Short. Succinct. Uh huh, no room for excess words.

You've got 24 hours — no, now just over 19 — to download — wait, I think it's more like 18 and 56 minutes and 45.3 seconds — Slipknot's new song 'All Hope Is Gone' from the album of the same name. Have I said that we don't want to waste your time? Well we really don't. Seriously, it's the last thing we wanna do. Ok, maybe the second last, next to making you think that llamas are better than okapis. Because they really aren't, you know. We hope you don't believe that one bit. That would be a major travesty if you did, and we always endeavour to prevent our faithful, time-sapped readers from wasting time on frighteningly important matters like that.

So you alright on the llama front? Cool. Wouldn't want to waste your time. Have I said that? Good. Wouldn't want to repeat myself either. That would be bad. That would be bad.

To download the song, click here.

Slipknot - My Plague (from Iowa) [BUY]

Word for the Week: Serious


The Euro Championships enter the quarter finals stage. And playing in the quarter finals is serious business. No seriously, it's serious. Refs have been ordered to issue straight reds to anyone who so much as twitches any of the 17 facial muscles required to shape out a smile. Giggles get an automatic three-match suspension, hearty chortles a one year ban, and full-blown ROTFLs will be met with Kazakhstan's entire naval fleet ripping 19-inch holes into the offender's spine while the Hulk doles out 2,000 Hulk Smashes as the player lies paralysed on the hospital bed. Yeah, it's dead serious.

Four Tet - As Serious As Your Life (from Rounds) [BUY]
If life were truly "serious" as Kieran Hebden postulates it to be here, we'd all be happier than hi-hats.

Mika Miko - Take It Serious (from C.Y.S.L.A.B.F.) [BUY]
Noise punk spat right from the tonsils of LA's creme de la femmes.

Think About Life - Serious Chords (from Think About Life) [BUY]
Montreal's disco punk denizens insist some chords are more serious than others; I think they were talking about Ab7#5#9#13. That one never smiles.

Richard Hawley - Serious (from Lady's Bridge) [BUY]
Uncle Pulp would like to take you on a spin down the seaside route while he doles out some elderly advice on choosing love over loneliness.

Electric Light Orchestra - So Serious (from Balance of Power) [BUY]
And to think we're only halfway through the tourney. Awesome blossom.
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