Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Sick Sick Six: 6 Songs Named After 6 Kick-Ass Actors

Ah actors, don't you just love them? Oh, you don't? Well why? Oh, the bastard ran away with who? Oh dear. And did she ever explain? Oh money, I see. Well, besides that? Said he looked like Tom Cruise? What's that, it was Tom Cruise?! Are you sure? Isn't he like somewhere pretending to be a gay Nazi boy now? I mean Nazi. Yeah, I added the gay. Sorry. You sure it was him? Hmm isn't that like sort of a compliment knowing that your chick ran away with one of the biggest stars in the world? Yeah that's right. Don't you see that? That's the spirit. What? Did you just say Katie Holmes?

The Teenagers - Starlett Johansson (from Reality Check) [BUY]
When I was about 8, I found myself in the swamps of Vietnam once. How the hell should I know what I was doing there? I don't make these things up. Anyway, the crossfires were zipping around and as I rolled on over to get myself out of the grimy mud, I found myself rolling on to a nice puffy bed with all the models from the 1998 Sports Illustrated issue on it as well. Whatever I was feeling then must be what Ryan Reynolds must be feeling these days because one moment he is in bed with Alanis, the next he is in bed with Scarlett.

The Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood (from Gorillaz) [BUY]
I had a theory when I was about 20. People ridiculed me for having such a silly idea but I persevered anyway. And as the years rolled by, my theory has become closer and closer to the truth. My theory is that the wrinkles on Clint Eastwood's face is in actual fact the city grid for Mexico City and that the spots on his face are in actual fact markers on where the drug cartels keep their stocks. I have not been able to convince anyone of this but if someone would just listen, bring Eastwood in and study his face, we can rid Mexico of drugs forever.

The Postal Service - Clark Gable (from Give Up) [BUY]
From what I see of Clark Gable, the man has a mustache. He is in fact, perhaps the only man I know who has one and people still consider him sexy. And by 'sexy' I mean 'haven't beaten the shit out of him for being a suspected biker/child rapist'. The other thing is that, every other picture of him on Google Images is of him kissing. Which leads me to think that man + mustache = kissing and kissing = getting laid. Basically, my dream now is to grow myself a thick grimy mustache .

Ozma - Natalie Portman (from Rock and Roll Part Three) [BUY]
There are many things that has been said about Natalie Portman. Gorgeous, skinny, sexy, bald, etc. But no one has ever called her 'blind' because she clearly is. It's either she's blind or that she's been pissed-mad drunk for the past year or so. And since my mom always told me that the easiest route to a conclusion is usually the right one (which is why I kidnap girls rather than date them), I conclude therefor that she is blind. Why? Why?! Because only a goddamn blind person would be able to go home to something like this. Poor girl. Somebody, save her!

Mika - Grace Kelly (from Life in Cartoon Motion) [BUY]
Grace Kelly is sadly a man. Yeah I know, she has those ungodly curves, those deep gorgeous eyes and that golden yellow hair but I can assure you, she's a guy. I mean, look at Mika. Do you think a man like this would actually be singing a song for a full blooded woman? Friend, you are sorely mistaken. So therefore, we can all safely say that Grace Kelly is a man. Oh, he sings about wanting to be Grace Kelly in the song? Oh dear, this is worst than I thought.

The Dollyrots - Jackie Chan (from Eat My Heart Out) [BUY]
And lastly, a song for the man that could rip your damn heart out if he wanted to. Sure, he looks like he is worth about RM5.00 but hey, I can assure you, someone that can leap up buildings in three jumps, battle great-white sharks and punch the bad guys out after drinking himself blind is a damn god in our books. In fact, he is a damn 'gods', as in more than one god, however you say that. 'Many gods'? Not snappy enough, not snappy enough.

2 comments:

Andrew said...

hey! please check out my Remix of Starlett Johansson by The Teenagers.

www.myspace.com/chromekids

Jon Wolf said...

Despite being posted forever ago, this is a great idea for a post!

 
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