Thursday, June 5, 2008

Euro 2008: Pirates' Predictions

So Euro 2008 begins this weekend. We've all pledged our allegiances, blocked our schedules and cut deals with our employers to lick their bonnets as recompense for the hours of productivity certain to be lost. Why would we do such things? We'll tell you when our tongues grow turnips.

Anyways, I'm kicking things off with a list of flawless, meticulously researched predictions. Remember me in three weeks.

Just there for the photo ops: Austria, Switzerland
Sometimes host nations surpass expectations. Other times, like when all they have to rely on are Philippe Senderos and some dude named Macho, you gotta at least provide nice postcards.
The Clash - Safe European Home (from Give 'Em Enough Rope) [BUY]

Wishes that the "Group of Death" was a Swiss slang for "candy floss": Romania
In Euro 2000, Romania came second in a group that had Portugal, England and Germany, and made it to the quarter finals. Also in Euro 2000, Germany had a player named Hans-Jörg Butt. Nuh-uh.
Massive Attack - Euro Zero Zero (from Descent to Heaven)

Wonders why 2004 seems so long ago: Greece
Four years ago, I had six pack abs, owned an island and worked 12 minutes a month. Yeah, I don't remember that time either.
Foo Fighters - Sister Europe (from All My Life single) [BUY]

Will thank their country's football federation for the holiday: Poland, Turkey, Sweden
Hey, dudes? I highly recommend the day trip to Salzsburg. It's yonks better than getting creamed by a Ronaldo hattrick.
R.E.M. - Radio Free Europe (from Murmur) [BUY]

Hooray, another tournament without 'em drunk poms: Croatia
Hey, I'm grateful for the fish & chips and all. Seriously. Ooo, and Cheryl Tweedy.
The Velvet Underground - European Son (from The Velvet Underground & Nico) [BUY]

Does it pretty, but their ladies will score more: Netherlands, Czech Republic
I like pretty football too. Mine has pink and yellow patches, and a avocado green ribbon on the top. Its following me to the prom.
Destroyer - European Oils (from Destroyer's Rubies) [BUY]

Tops group, then sucks more balls than it kicks: France, Spain
You know how monkeys always succeed in stealing your baked beans? In the quarters, the baked beans buy shotguns.
Kraftwerk - Trans Europe Express (from Minimum-Maximum) [BUY]

So close they get silver poisoning: Russia, Germany
In this year's tourney, semi-finalists get 3 million euros. Expect the bulk of that to go to caskets of vodka and Kölsch.
The Winter Olympics - Feeling European (single)

Finalists: Portugal, Italy
So, it's the overgelled hairs versus the nipple-hugging tees. A bona fide granny's playground.
Europe - The Final Countdown (from The Final Countdown) [BUY]

Champs: Portugal
Forget the Golden Generation; this lot's gonna go platinum, baby.
Glasvegas - Flowers and Football Tops (acoustic) (from Home Tapes demos)

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