Euro 2008: The Ultimate Shit XI of the Group Phase

The quarters are here. Portugal has bit the grimier side of a German's bung hole but there are three more quarter-final fixtures to be played. So in the spirit of absolute bone-breaking uselessness, us three Pirates sat down and thought about the shittiest 11 players we've seen so far in the group phase. I mean seriously, who really cares that Wesley Sneijder is looking like best damn midfielder in the world at the moment for the Netherlands, it's better to think about the bloody bastards who wasted our precious hours of sleep by being complete bungling idiots with a ball.

We qualify this post by saying that we seriously don't give a koala's arse if Mario Gomez goes on to score a hat-full of goals between now and the final because to us, he will always be shit in the group phase.

Note: It's important to point out that the two forwards leading our shit XI frontline also happens to be the same two forwards who were leading our predicted All-Star XI before the tournament started, which among other things proves that Pirates, above being experts at looting, are also experts at talking through the crack that's decorating our butthole.

Antonios Nikopolidis (GK) - Greece
Ah dear Antonios, flying out against the Russians but catching Austrian air instead.
Franz Ferdinand - Missing You (from Michael single) [BUY]

Gianluca Zambrotta (D) - Italy
For a moment against Romania, Gianluca must've been thinking about sex. Why? Because there was no other thing that could've caused the lapse of concentration that led to that awful backpass that in turn led to Mutu's goal. In fact, we're thinking sex with at least three women.
The Most Serene Republic - Why So Looking Back (from Population) [BUY]

Marcell Jansen (D) - Germany
Was so awful against Croatia that coach Joachim Loew nearly had to change around the entire Germany to fix that tactical mistake. About as German as Bruce Springsteen this one.
The Clientele - Somebody Changed (from God Save the Clientele) [BUY]

Eric Abidal (D) - France
An ambitious start at the centre of a dodgy-looking French defence. Was red-carded before everyone was properly seated. And sure, his possibly hot wife/girlfriend may console him by saying that it wasn't his fault that the French were knocked out but it is. Yep, no two ways about it, the bastard did them in.
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Red Eyes and Tears (from B.R.M.C.) [BUY]

Andrea Barzagali (D) - Italy
Was bitch-slapped, cuffed to a pink bath tub and forced to make chicken sounds by the Dutch. Has not seen much sunlight since.
Starflyer 59 - You Don't Miss Me (from Americana) [BUY]

Torsten Frings (M) - Germany
Made plenty of top class passes - to the Croatians that is. Spent 33% of his time on the field arguing or scowling at someone. Probably has not gotten laid for awhile now. Germany looked about 77% better against Portugal with him absent.
The Smiths - Bigmouth Strikes Again (from The Queen is Dead) [BUY]

Xavi (M) - Spain
Has been about as influential as a mahagony dinner table. Why he keeps starting and not Xabi Alonso or Cesc Fabregas remains quite a mystery to us three. And by 'mystery' we mean 'rippingAragones'throatout'.
The Twilight Sad - That Summer, At Home I Had Become The Invisible Boy (from Fourteen Autumns and Fifteen Winters) [BUY]

Patrick Vieira (M) - France
Vieira hogged the bench like an idiot despite being two bruises short of a set of crutches, which resulted in the rather brilliant Flamini being sent home. Never mind that he played a grand total of 'no' minutes. Probably spent more time farting on the bench than thinking about football.
Grandaddy - Broken Household Appliance National Forest (from The Sophtware Slump) [BUY]

Simao Sambrosa (M) - Portugal
Pulled rank on Cristiano Ronaldo against Turkey over a freekick. Sent his effort to that hunk of dust between Saturn and Jupiter. Has since been the laughing stock of an otherwise fairly brilliant Portugal side.
Beachwood Sparks - Yer Selfish Ways (from Once We Were Trees) [BUY]

Mario Gomez (F) - Germany
Missed a chance against Austria that frankly, a Smurf could've scored. Has not scored a single goal so far. Quite likely the biggest misfiring baboon of the tournament so far followed closely by ...
The Smashing Pumpkins - Zero (from Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness) [BUY]

Luca Toni (F) - Italy
... this huge lumbering bufoon. If he had taken all the chances he has had so far, he could have Platini shitting into his suit already. Instead, has scored a grand total of, yep, 'no' goals.
Toad the Wet Sprocket - Little Man Big Man (from Coil) [BUY]

Raymond Domenech (Coach) - France
All this talk about him being such an avid astrologer that he wouldn't allow some people of a certain star sign start in his defence or even get into his squad is so sensationally stupid that it must be true. Already deserves to be here simple for starting Abidal as a centreback against Italy. And because he followed up the heart-wrenching loss against Italy with a proposal to his girlfriend when the whole squad was mourning, he deserves to coach this whole lot of losers.
Paris Hilton - Stars Are Blind (from Paris) [BUY]