Friday, December 31, 2010

Best of 2010: Genusfrog's Top 8 albums if they were members of Girls Generation

When the Venezuelan druglords to whom we pirates are ultimately answerable gave us our year-end list categories, my hydra-rabbit ate my modem, I got the memo late and by then, those two damned pantsy geeks had already taken the juicy categories. Which leaves me with Girls Generation. Always a conscientious pirate though, I went out, did my homework, romanced them all and am back with the story to tell.

The one with the Farrah Fawcett hair
Dum Dum Girls - I Will Be

Ah, yes. The Dum Dum Girls probably didn't make it into many year-end lists but it's probably also true that none of those critics ever watched the entire back-catalog of Voltron with the lead singer of Girls Generation. I, however, have, and I can confirm with you that 1:53 of Bhang Bhang (I'm A Burnout) sounds exactly like the noise The one with the Farrah Fawcett hair makes when the yellow lion locks into position to form Voltron's left leg and she jumps up on the sofa making v-signs at the TV and making lion cries.

Dum Dum Girls - Bhang Bhang (I'm A Burnout) (from I Will Be)

The ugliest one
Arcade Fire - The Suburbs

If you're wondering what's the similarity between Arcade Fire and the ugliest member of Girls Generation, here's the link: The ugliest one's right armpit has a birthmark that reminds me of the map of the suburb where I grew up on my nanna's lawn and ran up and down the pavements with by buddy Sam, and then Sam got hit by a car, and nobody wanted to drive him to a hospital, so he died in my arms that day. It's incredible what memories an ugly Korean girl can jog back to life.

Arcade Fire - The Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains) (from The Suburbs)

The one with the come-hither look
Black Keys – Brothers

I was jogging with The one with the come-hither look around the park one day when a lion approached us and asked for directions to the zoo. I said it's left, then straight, then take the u-turn and then the second right. She insisted that it was straight, then 3 o'clock at the roundabout, then left and left again. When the lion left, she turned to me and said she was carrying twins. Which makes them brothers.

Black Keys - Tighten Up (from Brothers)

The one that looks like a man
Vivian Girls - Everything Goes Wrong

Hah, so you thought the connection was simple: a girl looks like a man = everything goes wrong. But you are wrong. Yet you are not everything. The connection is that I once knew a man called Vivian. Yes, Vivian played rugby, ate his steaks alive, kept a polar bear in his bathroom and had a chainsaw surgically implanted into his left elbow. Vivian is still alive today, in the deep recesses of every girl who looks like a man.

Vivian Girls - I'm Not Asleep (from Everything Goes Wrong)

The one with the mata juling
Magic Kids – Memphis

I was midway romancing The one with the mata juling on top of a photocopier when The Geek came in with his Top 8 list wearing Ultraman Dyna's suit. Just as me and my Girl Generation were about ignoring him, bloody Pantsy came in eating a half-boiled egg. And as those two children started bragging about their respective Top 8s, I impregnated The one with the mata juling and a litter of magic kids came flying out of the paper chute.

Magic Kids - Hey Boy (from Memphis)

The one with gold stuff on the shoulders
The Drums by The Drums

See, the thing about having gold stuff on your shoulders is that it's not enough to just have it on your shoulders. You might start with your shoulders but then you'll also want gold stuff on your kneecaps, and at the back of your ears and in your armpits and just about everywhere where gold stuff shouldn't go. Which was the case with The one with gold stuff on the shoulders, such that when I say I romanced her, you should take it to mean more like I brought her to my neighbourhood bank and romanced her into a safe deposit box.

The Drums - Down By The Water (from The Drums)

The one that looks like a sad boy
Starflyer 59 - Changing Of The Guard

I knew a sad boy once. He got a pony for his birthday, console games whenever he got Ds in his exams, a bevy of French maids for whenever he messed up his room and a jaguar when his pony started misbehaving. And he was sad because all he wanted to do was to romance Girls Generation - not all of them, just one: this one. The one that looks like a sad boy. I gave this one to him and didn't stay to watch. He's now a happ... Pardon, Thérèse! Have you not fed my jaguaar?

Starflyer 59 - Shane (from Changing Of The Guard)

The one whose hat is falling off her head
She & Him - Volume 2

When a girl wears a hat and it falls off her head, what does that mean? That she has a small head? Nopes. That it is a big hat? Also nope. Perhaps she is hanging from the ceiling on a rope? Certainly not. When a girl wears a hat and it falls off her head, it means she is a sea monkey. Don't believe me? Then prove it: have you ever seen a sea monkey wear a hat? Ahaaaa!

She & Him - Gonna Get Along Without You Now (from Volume Two)
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