Friday, October 3, 2008

The Sick Sick Six: 6 Things I Learned from Reading Marvel Zombies

I must say that I am an avid reader. That's what smart people do. They read. Kickass people pick guns and shoot people (I do this too) and suave people woo women (this as well) but smart people read. As such I have sunk myself into the chunky literary read called Marvel Zombies. Oh you guys haven't read it? Might mean you guys are dumbasses. Ha ha ha, just kidding, just kidding. Just a little stupid that's all. Anyway, it's a brilliant read. Felt my mind literaly expand. I've got a larger forehead now. A.J. says I look like Luke Perry.


Anyways, just thought I should share with you some of the brilliant facts I leanred by reading this wonderfully insightful, errr ... book.

Zombies make lousy husbands
Giant Man seems like quite a prick. I am not sure if he was already a prick before, but he sure as heck seems like a bigger prick after he was turned into a zombie. At least Spider-Man had the decency to just eat Mary Jane up rather than being a prick to her.
The National - Slipping Husband (from Sad Songs for Dirty Lovers) [BUY]

Forge has bloody healthy hair
I'll be damned. Donkey years in the future and the man still has a poney-tail. It's insane. It's like some Deep Zeppelin nightmare. Oh wait, that's not the band name is it?
Mazzy Starr - Hair and Skin (from Flowers in December single)

Zombies have no drool
How do I know this? Because throughout the whole comic, every zombified character has their mouth open. Even when they are just standing around doing nothing. Which proves amongst other things, that zombies do no suffer from the old drip-a-roo. It also proves that they eat dentists first, but that's irrelevant for this point.
Kate Nash - Mouthwash (from Made of Bricks) [BUY]

It is actually possible to kiss a zombie
Proven even more difficult considering the point before this. Nothing like sinking your lips into a gaping mouth. Kinda like frenching King Kong.
The Shins - Kissing the Lipless (from Wincing the Night Away) [BUY]

Zombie women love older men
Explains why a zombified Wasp did not mind planting a smooch onto that old geezer in the last issue. I have no idea who that geezer was. But he looks old. Maybe he's Old Man. Ha ha ha. 'Old' man, get it?
Radiohead - We Suck Young Blood (Your Time is Up) (from Hail to the Thief) [BUY]

Reed Richards is actually a dumbass
Only a dumbass would think turning into a zombie is part of evolution. What part of liking older men and walking around with a gaping mouth sounds evolutionary to you? Which is why I have concluded he is a dumbass.
Nirvana - Dumb (from In Utero) [BUY]

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