Best of 2010: Pantsy's Top 8 albums in order of the top 8 ways to cook an egg

You might be wondering: what do eggs have to do with albums? Yeesh. Stop asking, start bowing. I rock. Like eggs. And my new halogen cooker.

1. Raw
Felili - The Moon
Hah, betcha weren't expecting that, huh?!? That's right, I like my brekkie au nauturale, yo. Like this album, which drops this way in January, and holds fort right through December. That's full on motha naycha for ya. It won't be beat. That's right, just like my raw eggs. I don't beat them. Just two a day, down the pipes, shell, hen, farmer and all. No wonder Tron thinks I'm such a buffbot.

Felili - How Hard I Try (from The Moon)

2. Omelette
Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

So my pet dolphin Ferdinand taught me that if you have to cook an egg, you might as well cook it with everything you've got. Which is how an omelette was invented, as was Kanye's album probably. So taking Kanye and Ferdinand's advice, I made myself an "everything I've got" omelette this morning. It had my couch, two dining chairs and Steven the neighbour's killer whale. I asked Ferdinand why something belonging to my neighbour would be considered as part of "everything I've got", but he just did that cute giggle, and I couldn't say no. I even added Steven's wife. Convincing chap, that Ferdinand.

Kanye West - Monster (from My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy)

3. Sunny side up
Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More

This album finally helped realise why they call these kinds of eggs as sunny side up. Because one day, while I was playing 'Little Lion Man', I was brushing my teeth when I realised, hey my hair looks like a lion's mane! And so I decided to implant some whiskers, and then realised I kinda liked it, and so added a tail, some claws and an antelope farm. Then I looked in the mirror again, and realised I looked like the sun. So I cooked an egg.

Mumford & Sons - After The Storm (from Sigh No More)

4. Baked
Arcade Fire - The Suburbs

I live in a suburb too. And actually, I don't agree with Arcade Fire. They told me that in the suburbs, they learned to drive. But I didn't learn to drive in the suburbs. I learned to drive around the same time my mum taught me to bake eggs, back when I was 13 months old. Yeah I know, my mum is just the coolest. she let me bake my teddy when I hit 2 years old, and roast my bolster when I was 6. She even gave me a high five each time I did it, though her aim is pretty bad so she kept missing my hand and hitting my bum. Bless her soul, can't expect those old chaps to have 20/20 vision, y'know what I mean?

Arcade Fire - Rococo (from The Suburbs)

5. Half boiled
Stars - The Five Ghosts

I imagine that the guy who discovered how to half-boil an egg is a bit like The Five Ghosts. He had to be the smartest, sweetest thing ever, and he would have to be able to make death sound really romantic. Oh I know now, he had to be a zombie! Only zombies could boil something and then not be able to withstand it any longer and dig it out of the pot and wolf it down. Ooo reminds me to say hi to my zombie neighbours. Hi Mr Esteban! Ooo nice bloody limb you're chewing there! What, you want me for dinner? Oh sure, let me get my coat.

Stars - I Died So I Could Haunt You (from The Five Ghosts)

6. Steamed
Jonsi - Go

Jonsi obviously needs to get somewhere, what with all that coloured blood bursting out of his neck. So to help Jonsi reach his intended destination, I have decided to make him a bowl of steamed eggs. Here you go man. Huh, what do you mean you prefer them poached? Dude, everyone knows that steamed eggs are better than poached eggs. You mean they don't have this sorta stuff in Iceland? Dang. No wonder you're all colourful.

Jonsi - Tornado (from Go)

7. Poached

Frightened Rabbit - The Winter of Mixed Drinks

You know, I have never poached an egg. So as I listened to The Winter of Mixed Drinks, I suddenly realised that I should learn how to do it. So I turned to ESPN, and found some highlights of Filippo Inzaghi poaching. And then the revelation hit me: the guy can poach because he isn't a real footballer. And I'm a real chef. No wonder I can't poach eggs.

Frightened Rabbit - Things (from The Winter of Mixed Drinks)

8. Hard boiled
Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings - I Learned The Hard Way

Some people tell me that making the perfect hard boiled egg is really tricky, involving some kind of spinning and rolling of some sort. So I thought, how hard can it be? So last week, I put on this Sharon Jones album, put the egg in a pot of boiling water and started spinning and rolling on my kitchen floor. After about an hour, I picked up the pieces of my toaster, nespresso machine and sandwich maker, and then looked at my egg. It still looked like an egg. So I chucked it away, and put the toasted in the pot. Was done in six minutes, no spinning needed. Real hard and boiley too. So yums.

Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings - Give It Back (from I Learned The Hard Way)

Best of 2010: The Geek's Top 8 albums if they were Ultramen

While the rest of my kin were busy checking girls out, I was busy checking guys out in sille spacemen spandex. I know, I know how it look but hey, delayed gratification has its wonders. Namely how I just got married to January while I heard one of my old friends just got engaged to a female griphon. Not that I have a problem being a bitch to a griphon mind you, cause after all, they are pretty awesome but them claws do get to you after awhile.















1. Ultraman Zero
Bruce Springsteen - The Promise
Zero is top because he's is the baddest Ultra this side of the solar system. Why? Because he got his name from wearing one of Billy Corgan's shirts. The legend has it that Zero beat Corgan in a 'who is balder' contest. If that's not baldass I don't know what is. Eh, I mean badass.

Bruce Springsteen - Racing in the Street (from The Promise)















2. Ultraman Leo
The Arcade Fire - Suburbs
And coming in not too far away in the badass department is the man who trained Zero. And seriously, the only reason why Leo is not number 1 is because Zero has more colors on him, and more is always ... better. Yes. Like how more pork fat is better than ... yep, less pork fat.

The Arcade Fire - Half Light I (from Suburbs)















3. Ultraman Tiga
Magic Kids - Memphis
You know why 'Tiga' comes in at number 3? Do you seriously want to know why? Like isn't it obvious? Yeah, that's right, cause he's the only Ultraman with purple on him. Oh, that's not what you thought. Oh ... cause 'Tiga' is Bahasa for the number 3? What a nonsensical idea

Magic Kids - Superball (from Memphis)















4. Ultra Seven
The Drums - The Drums
Hah, I bet you thought that given my extremely powerful humor, that I would place Ultra Seven at the seventh spot, but you are wrong. I have placed him at the fourth. You want to know why? Because 4 + 3 = 7. And as my dad always said, it's the journey that counts more than the destination.

The Drums - Book of Stories (from The Drums)















5. Ultraman Dyna
The Radio Dept - Clinging to a Scheme
Ultraman Dyna surely has had to endure a lot of shit in his life. How can I know for sure? Cause he's got a chick's name. And back where the monsters are, they don't treat chick Ultragirls with much respect. Hmm ... yeah no respect.

The Radio Dept - David (from Clinging to a Scheme)















6. Ultraman Belial
Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
Only one person deserves spot number 6 and that's the 'devil' Ultraman himself, Belial. How can you tell Belial is evil by just looking at him? I can't honestly. Other than the fact that he walks with a hunch, which I presume is as a result of him having a bad father that never corrected his posture. And we all know all good villains have fathers who never corrected their posture.

Kanye West - Runaway (from My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy)















7. Ultraman
The National - High Violet
The original dude, the one who started the red spandex craze. One has to pay him plenty of respect, even though his eyes look like eggs, and I feel like poaching them. Or sunny side up? Or ammunition in an egg fight. Sorry what was this post about again?

The National - Sorrow (from High Violet)















8. Ultraman Taro
Beach House - Teen Dream
Beach House music = horny. Ultraman Taro = horny. Peace

Beach House - Zebra (from Teen Dream)

Best of 2010: Genusfrog's Top 8 albums if they were members of Girls Generation

When the Venezuelan druglords to whom we pirates are ultimately answerable gave us our year-end list categories, my hydra-rabbit ate my modem, I got the memo late and by then, those two damned pantsy geeks had already taken the juicy categories. Which leaves me with Girls Generation. Always a conscientious pirate though, I went out, did my homework, romanced them all and am back with the story to tell.

The one with the Farrah Fawcett hair
Dum Dum Girls - I Will Be

Ah, yes. The Dum Dum Girls probably didn't make it into many year-end lists but it's probably also true that none of those critics ever watched the entire back-catalog of Voltron with the lead singer of Girls Generation. I, however, have, and I can confirm with you that 1:53 of Bhang Bhang (I'm A Burnout) sounds exactly like the noise The one with the Farrah Fawcett hair makes when the yellow lion locks into position to form Voltron's left leg and she jumps up on the sofa making v-signs at the TV and making lion cries.

Dum Dum Girls - Bhang Bhang (I'm A Burnout) (from I Will Be)

The ugliest one
Arcade Fire - The Suburbs

If you're wondering what's the similarity between Arcade Fire and the ugliest member of Girls Generation, here's the link: The ugliest one's right armpit has a birthmark that reminds me of the map of the suburb where I grew up on my nanna's lawn and ran up and down the pavements with by buddy Sam, and then Sam got hit by a car, and nobody wanted to drive him to a hospital, so he died in my arms that day. It's incredible what memories an ugly Korean girl can jog back to life.

Arcade Fire - The Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains) (from The Suburbs)

The one with the come-hither look
Black Keys – Brothers

I was jogging with The one with the come-hither look around the park one day when a lion approached us and asked for directions to the zoo. I said it's left, then straight, then take the u-turn and then the second right. She insisted that it was straight, then 3 o'clock at the roundabout, then left and left again. When the lion left, she turned to me and said she was carrying twins. Which makes them brothers.

Black Keys - Tighten Up (from Brothers)

The one that looks like a man
Vivian Girls - Everything Goes Wrong

Hah, so you thought the connection was simple: a girl looks like a man = everything goes wrong. But you are wrong. Yet you are not everything. The connection is that I once knew a man called Vivian. Yes, Vivian played rugby, ate his steaks alive, kept a polar bear in his bathroom and had a chainsaw surgically implanted into his left elbow. Vivian is still alive today, in the deep recesses of every girl who looks like a man.

Vivian Girls - I'm Not Asleep (from Everything Goes Wrong)

The one with the mata juling
Magic Kids – Memphis

I was midway romancing The one with the mata juling on top of a photocopier when The Geek came in with his Top 8 list wearing Ultraman Dyna's suit. Just as me and my Girl Generation were about ignoring him, bloody Pantsy came in eating a half-boiled egg. And as those two children started bragging about their respective Top 8s, I impregnated The one with the mata juling and a litter of magic kids came flying out of the paper chute.

Magic Kids - Hey Boy (from Memphis)

The one with gold stuff on the shoulders
The Drums by The Drums

See, the thing about having gold stuff on your shoulders is that it's not enough to just have it on your shoulders. You might start with your shoulders but then you'll also want gold stuff on your kneecaps, and at the back of your ears and in your armpits and just about everywhere where gold stuff shouldn't go. Which was the case with The one with gold stuff on the shoulders, such that when I say I romanced her, you should take it to mean more like I brought her to my neighbourhood bank and romanced her into a safe deposit box.

The Drums - Down By The Water (from The Drums)

The one that looks like a sad boy
Starflyer 59 - Changing Of The Guard

I knew a sad boy once. He got a pony for his birthday, console games whenever he got Ds in his exams, a bevy of French maids for whenever he messed up his room and a jaguar when his pony started misbehaving. And he was sad because all he wanted to do was to romance Girls Generation - not all of them, just one: this one. The one that looks like a sad boy. I gave this one to him and didn't stay to watch. He's now a happ... Pardon, Thérèse! Have you not fed my jaguaar?

Starflyer 59 - Shane (from Changing Of The Guard)

The one whose hat is falling off her head
She & Him - Volume 2

When a girl wears a hat and it falls off her head, what does that mean? That she has a small head? Nopes. That it is a big hat? Also nope. Perhaps she is hanging from the ceiling on a rope? Certainly not. When a girl wears a hat and it falls off her head, it means she is a sea monkey. Don't believe me? Then prove it: have you ever seen a sea monkey wear a hat? Ahaaaa!

She & Him - Gonna Get Along Without You Now (from Volume Two)

Best of 2009: What if my Best 8 Albums of 2009 were Twitter Posts

Twitter is, like, so OMGGG. Like these albums. OMGGGG.

Camera Obscura - My Maudlin Career

Type of Twitter post: last weekend's beach getaway

Sample post: "The sun is so XOXO-fun!!! Gawd, is that a lyric? It is!!! Gotta tell my honey bun sugar munchie"

Camera Obscura - James (from My Maudlin Career)

Sleeping At Last - Storyboards

Type of Twitter post: The quintessential Richard Linklater movie dissertation

Sample post: "The juggler dude in Before Sunrise signifies urban repression. Ebert, u be pwned"

Sleeping at Last - Birdcage Religion (from Storyboards)

The Antlers - Hospice

Type of Twitter post: wtfrudrinkin?

Sample post: "The monkey owns my liver. My liver lives in the river. Pee on me now"

The Antlers - Shiva (from Hospice)

The Rest - Everyone All At Once

Type of Twitter post: The post about nothing at all

Sample post: "Wow, that was so wow"

The Rest - Drinking Again (from Everyone All At Once)

Lily Allen - It's Not Me, It's You

Type of Twitter post: The post-breakup post

Sample post: "&%$# $ #$%#$^ &@%@%@% @%@ ^@^@&@@ &@@ @@#%$%#%$"

Lily Allen - Chinese (from It's Not Me, It's You)

David Bazan - Curse The Branches

Type of Twitter post: Existence is futile (but beer is not)

Sample post: "The truth called out to me this morning. I burped back"

David Bazan - In Stitches (from Curse The Branches)

Pearl Jam - Backspacer

Type of Twitter post: Pub crawling with long-lost buddies

Sample post: "@SykoSimon just downed his 54th shot and..., danggg, dude's getting a tattoo on his nipple right now! Bodacious!!!"

Pearl Jame - Amongst The Waves (from Backspacer)

Twiggy Frostbite - Through Fire

Type of Twitter post: Flue and fever galore
Sample post: "Sniff sniff. Someone hug me now, please. Ahh, Fluffy. Thanks. That's nice #ilovemysugarglider"

Twiggy Frostbite - I'm Still Here (from Through Fire)

The Geek's Top 8 Albums of 2008 by Order of Importance of Things on a KFC Dinner Plate

To some this could have been the golden year for music, to me, it's about as eventful as a rhino's arse. Wait, then again, aren't rhinos the ones who piss through their asses? Okay, they're cool. Then it's about as eventful as Donny Osmond's right butt cheek.

So in order to spice it up a little, I have decided to bring food in the picture. Yes, ye denizens of plain-dome, I hereby declare to you that if you need to spice up your love-life/marriage/career, there's no better way to do it than starting a food fight. Wife not giving you the 'biz'? Just chuck a roasted drumstick her way. Husband forgetting your birthday? Fling a plate of beef nachos at his eyes. Boss not giving you a raise? Just pour a bowl of Szechuan beef noodles down her blouse. Yeah!

Anyways, yes, a dinner plate. Which is way better than a snack plate? Why? Cause it has an extra piece of chicken and more is always ... better.

1. The Plate








Glasvegas - Glasvegas [BUY]
The most important thing about the dinner plate is the plate. Uncultured louts may try to sell it as being the chicken but as a person that has consumed about 1549 plates in his lifetime, I can safely say it's all about the plate. Because without the plate, we would be eating the chicken off the table and that my friend, is not a dinner plate. That's a dinner table.
Glasvegas - Polmont on My Mind

2. The Flag-like Thing








British Sea Power - Do You Like Rock Music? [BUY]
This could be decidedly an Asian thing, but our dinner plates come with one of them little flag-things. It's not yet been determined if the thing is actually a flag or a colorful toothpick, what is certain is that it's completely communistic. Why? Because communists like to fly flags, just like how aliens like to pilot UFOs. It's a natural thing, you know.
British Sea Power - Waving Flags

3. The Bun








The Teenagers - Reality Check [BUY]
Ah, where would the snack plate be without its bun? One of the only reasons why I would be willing to eat in KFC is because I can shang-hai one of them buns off my bird's plate. People may call me cheap, but I like to think I am smart. Why? Because I have two buns when you only have one, and the person with more buns is definitely smarter. Although I have no idea why.
The Teenagers - Starlett Johansson

4. The Mashed Potato








The Little Ones - Morning Tide [BUY]
Without the brilliant mashed potato and it's iconic brown sauce, your snack plates would be as dry as the Sahara. Think about that for a moment. Yeah, sand, snakes, sand and sexy belly dancers. Crap, why the heck do we need mashed potatoes again?
The Little Ones - Morning Tide

5. The First Piece of Chicken








Los Campesinos - Hold On Now, Youngster [BUY]
Ah, so we come to the reason why Colonel Sanders stopped being a kickass army dude that fires cannons to some smiley idiot that fries chickens for a living - the chicken. Except I can see no real reason why anyone would want to give up cannon-firing just to fry some chickens. So as a tribute to the Colonel, I am going to fry me some cannons tonight. Yum.
Los Campesinos - Sweet Dreams, Sweet Cheeks

6. The Coleslaw








I'm From Barcelona - Who Killed Harry Houdini? [BUY]
This is only here because a long time ago, mama Sanders told the Colonel that he has got to eat his veggies. Which is a shame because if his mama told him otherwise, we could have a plasma rifle with every dinner plate.
I'm From Barcelona - Ophelia

7. The Second Piece of Chicken








Attic Lights - Friday Night Lights
The second piece of chicken usually gets in just when you're about full from eating the bun, mashed potato, the first piece of chicken and if you're me, the plate. Yes, I routinely eat the plate as well. Just to have a bit of that holistic experience thing.
Attic Lights - Never Get Sick of the Sea

8. The Third Piece of Chicken








Cure - 4:13 Dream [BUY]
The third piece of chicken in a dinner plate is like having an affair. You know you shouldn't have it, but yet it's difficult to resist. Except that it's oilier and you only get part of the bird.
Cure - Only One