In the papers today...

A cross-eyed opossum in Germany has become an Internet sensation. Heidi the opossum has earned herself 65,000 friends on Facebook by virtue of being cross-eyed. The opossum was abandoned at an animal shelter in the United States before being picked up and sent to Germany, and her handlers attribute her condition to a combination of her previous diet and a possible build up of fat deposits behind her eyes. Nevertheless, Heidi has already expanded on her fame to open a Twitter account, where her first tweet was "My marble table is way doper than Kanye's. Sucka."

This story reminds me of: Lady Lazarus - The Eye In The Eye Of The Storm (from Mantic)

An American soldier who went AWOL has turned himself in, and has been ordered to complete his one-year tour of duty. Jeff Hanks cited mental health problems as his reason for going AWOL, and returned to North Carolina in the middle of his stint in Afghanistan. Nevertheless, he turned himself in on Veterans Day, even though he insists his mental health has not been cured. When reporters visited his home to find out why, they discovered that actually he decided to return because his version of Football Manager didn't have Kenny Dalglish as Liverpool's manager, which totally bummed him out.

This story reminds me of: Hujan - Lonely Soldier Boy (from Lonely Soldier Boy)

American police in Idaho are investigating the case of a stalker who has been leaving severed animal heads on the front porch of a family. The unidentified man has so far left the heads of an elk and a mule, as well as the remains of a bunny. The police have cited this as being fairly reminiscent of scenes from The Godfather and Fatal Attraction. However, a reporter who met with the stalker said that actually, the stalker is trying to recreate the characters from Shrek, except that he can't find a cat, so he's replacing it with a bunny and naming it Hops 'n Clops. He also said to tell him if anyone spots a sexy dragon he can behead.

This story reminds me of: Conquering Animal Sound - Bear (from Kammerspiel)

In the papers today...

A snow storm caused the roof of an American football stadium to cave in. The roof of The Metrodome in Minnesota, home to the Minnesota Vikings, was overwhelmed by the weight of snow on it, and eventually collapsed in the morning. This forced the Vikings to hold its games elsewhere. It also forced Miley Cyrus to move her concert to a new location, and it will now be held in Puff the Magic Dragon's lair, and will feature a new tune called Bong Bong Bong To My Song Song Song.

This story reminds me of: The Moviegoers - Avalanche (from Big High School/Avalance 7")

The notorious hacker group Anonymous has declared war on snow. The hacker group, which have earned worldwide fame for their web attacks on the Paypal, Gene Simmons and the Church of Scientology, are now on a mission to fight back against snow. Among their plans are to attack the Weather Channel website and upvote the sun as Time's Person of the Year. When Frosty was told of these plans by news reporters, he stood silent for two minutes, then pulled the carrot from his nose and ate it.

This story reminds me of: The Soft Province - In A Some See No One Club (from The Soft Province)

Police in Massachusetts arrested a 54-year-old woman, but only after she had been pepper sprayed twice and zapped with a stun gun three times. The first police officer came onto the scene after receiving two complaints of disturbance coming from the apartment of Maria E. Alvarez. A struggle soon broke out, and eventually the woman was subdued with the help of another police officer. The following day, Dreamworks announced that it had signed up Maria to star in their upcoming 2012 film, King Kong's Bride: The Baddest Beeyatch Evah.

This story reminds me of: The Jezabels - Mace Spray (from Dark Storm EP)

In the papers today...

The Large Hadron Collider created a mini-Big Bang this week, signalling a significant breakthrough. The giant particle accelerator successfully smashed together a bunch of lead ions, creating a burst of heat that was a million times hotter than the sun. Scientists were thrilled, and inside sources say that after this collision happened, they quickly rushed into the room to find out what had been left behind. To their delight, they found a naked Keanu Reeves sucking his thumb.

This story reminds me of: Honeymoon Stitch - Day of the Lords (from A Means to an End: The Music of Joy Division)

A British teacher who moonlighted as a prostitute has been allowed to continue teaching as well as continue her side business. Diane Hutton, a 54-year-old who taught general studies to GCSE and A-level students, also ran a website called 'Seductive Selina'. However, the judge decided that there was nothing wrong with what she was doing, since her website didn't show her face. "Besides," he added, "The picture on the site is totally not her booty. Her real booty has two moles on the left cheek, and this one only ha... oh. Not guilty."

This story reminds me of: Belle & Sebastian - Calculating Bimbo (from Belle & Sebastian Write About Love)

Calvin Klein has produced a pair of 3D sunglasses. Called ck3D, the sunglasses can be used indoors and outdoors. When asked by journalists at a press conference why someone would need 3D sunnies outdoors, a spokesperson for Calvin Klein simply motioned for Bambi to come to the podium. Bambi then walked up to the mic, and said, "Wearing ck3D will enable you to see more of me. Which will enable you to see much better the moments when my mum gets shot to bits by ALL YOU BLOODTHIRSTY SCUMS, DIEEEEEEE!" Bambi then pee-ed on everyone.

This story reminds me of: A-Trak - Ray Ban Vision (feat. CyHi Da Prynce) (single)

In the papers today...

The newly elected British government has cancelled plans to build a third runway at London Heathrow airport. The move has been hailed by residents who live near the area, as they feared that it would greatly increase the noise and pollution emitted from the planes. When John Terry heard of the cancellation, he voiced his dissapointment, saying, "A third runway would have made it so much easier for me to smuggle my mistres--I mean, mystery novels into the Chelsea dressing room. Yeah, Agatha Christie is our fave. Mmmm, Agatha..."
This story reminds me of: Tame Impala - Runway, Houses, City, Clouds (from Innerspeaker)

BP have resorted to using golf balls to plug the Gulf of Mexico oil leak. The leak, which was caused by an oil rig sinking on 22 April, has released more than 5 million gallons of oil into the sea at a rate of 200,000 gallons per day. The oil company said that the golf balls were part of a technique known as the "junk shot", whereby holes of all shapes and sizes are plugged by various objects. Actually, insiders say the company wanted to use golfer balls, which, as we all know, are pretty good at plugging holes of all shapes and sizes.
This story reminds me of: Tiger! Shit! Tiger! Tiger! - Whispers (from Whispers EP)

Marco Calasan has become the world's youngest Microsoft systems engineer. The 9-year-old boy from Macedonia holds four Microsoft certificates, has written a 312-page book on Windows 7, and is currently learning his fourth language. Apparently his first motto in life is "with knowledge, everything is possible." His second motto in life is "Suck this, all you dense poser-faced Mac users!"
This story reminds me of: The Amplifetes - Whizz Kid (from Whizz Kid single)

In the papers today...

News Corp and Microsoft's search engine Bing are reported to be ganging up on Google. News Corp is in the process of creating a new code whereby search engines have to pay to access articles from News Corp's affiliated publications like The Wall Street Journal and the New York Post. Microsoft are willing to pay, and thus articles would appear on their search engine Bing. Analysts say that this spells doom for News Corp. It's not because nobody will bother switching search engines just for a few bits of news available anywhere. It's because when you think about it, Rupert + Bing = Rubing. And that's very... shuddurgggh.
This story reminds me of: Tika and the Dissidents - Venus Envy (from The Headless Songstress)

The Large Hadron Collider has just restarted. The $10 billion, 17-mile long particle accelerator that was launched earlier this year had to be shut down numerous times, including a recent incident that was caused by a bird dropping a piece of bread in the machine. Once spinning, the particle accelerator will continue it's search of Higgs' bosom. Scientists are hoping to discov... wha...? Not bosom? Oh, Boson? Is that like a very macho bison? Like, who the heck want's to find Higgs very macho bison? And what's Higgs gonna do while his bosom is missing? Sheesh. Finding bosoms is totally worth US$10 billion.
This story reminds me of: Lake Heartbeat - Pipedream (from Trust In Numbers)

Fossils of an ancient species of super-crocodiles have been discovered. The fossils are said to belong to a type of crocolide that was 40 feet long, weighed eight tons and fed on dinosaurs. They walked on legs, and could run really fast. Scientists have so far assigned them nicknames like BoarCroc, RatCroc, PancakeCroc, DuckCroc and DogCroc. The creatures are ss....pffft.... sorry. Let me continue. Scientists are t-t-trr-yyeeehee... pardon me. No, nothing funny at all. Ummhrmmm. The PancakeCrokkkekeekekekeee... oh huh? No, no, everything's just great. Jussst ggreabwahahahaHAHAHAHA.
This story reminds me of: Say Hi To Your Mum - These Fangs (from Impeccable Blahs)

In the papers today...

The New Jersey Nets are renting out their players for US$25,000. In a program called 'Your Ticket to a Player', the NBA team are offering a bunch of exclusive tickets to basketball games, plus the chance to have one of their players appear for one hour at any private function of a fan. It is seen as the latest marketing effort by the team, who are trying to survive the sluggish US economy. Unfortunately, the players aren't to keen on the idea, and the day after the program was launched, they formed a protest group called the Basketballers And Lazy Loser Supporters Never Hang Out Society (aka BALLSNHOS).
This story reminds me of: Pretty and Nice - Grab Your Nets (from Blue & Blue)

This year marks the 50th anniversary of Asterix and Obelix, and in celebration, the creators have released a new book entitled The Birthday of Asterix and Obelix. It's all very touching actually, how the world has warmed up to this story of a small, ugly French chap and his whiny fat friend who managed to fight back the Italians. I mean, you'd think football is one of those sports where... Whaa... what? Not football? Huh, what do you mean it's a comic? Huh? You mean it's not the autobiography of Franck Ribéry and William Gallas? Who the heck cares then! Sheesh.
This story reminds me of: Intensive Care - Le Magicien (from Fairytales from the Island)

NASA has just launched its new rocket, called the Ares I-X rocket. The spaceship will eventually replace the space shuttle as the craft of choice for American astronauts to fly into space. It is almost 330 feet, and contains over 700 onboard censors. Yes, that's so that astronauts will be focused on flying rather than watching Strip Space Nine or Rockin' the Rocket or Fully Thrusting or ...Huh... what? Oh, not censors? What? Sensors? Why? Who the heck needs sensors on a rocket? Don't they just shoot it and it blows up everything around it and... huh? Whaddaya mean it's not that kinda rocket? So who's gonna fight Galactus then, huh? Completely no foresight. Double sheesh.
This story reminds me of: Caithlin De Marrais - Outer Space is Still Sexy (from My Magic City)

In the papers today...

A British cop faces action for inviting women to have sex with him on his police motorbike. The cop, 43-year-old James Appi, posted pictures on a sleazy swingers’ website of himself straddling his BMW while posing next to President Obama’s limo. When questioned, he said that it was merely a fantasy and that he would not have gone through with it. However, upon further investigation, it was revealed that he only said that because the first offer he received was from Vin Diesel, who was researching for his new film Bike Boink.
This story reminds me of: Blane Fonda - Salacious Love (from Master of Stars and Broken Arms)

Bittorrent has been banned in the Antartica. The U.S. Antarctic Program announced that it has banned all peer-to-peer applications because of "the potential to overwhelm the internet connections on the Ice". This has incensed the citizens of the Antartica, and days later, about 200 polar bears staged a mass hunger strike when their download of Penguins Gone Wild got stuck at 93%. Thankfully, Al Gore intervened, and quicky delivered to the bears several cartons containing the desired DVD, complete with bonus features and flipper-fondling devices.
This story reminds me of: Sleeping At Last - Birdcage Religion (from Storyboards)

Saved By The Bell actor Dustin Diamond is being sued for over $21,000 in unpaid property taxes. According to RadarOnline.com, The 32-year-old, better known as Screech from the 90s TV hit, also had his car repossessed. This is not the first time that Diamond has been surrounded by controversy, and in 2006 he starred in his own porn tape called Screeched, aka Saved By The Smell. His manager later admitted the tape was released in an effort to raise his profile, but close friends say that Screech was only hoping to get Mr Belding to spank him one more time.
This story reminds me of: Twiggy Frostbite - I'm Still Here (from Through Fire)

In the papers today...

A four-day workweek experiment in Utah is starting to pay off for everyone involved. According to an analysis, Utah government employees recently shifted to a four-day workweek, and as a result, the city has saved $1.8 million in electrical bills, while the air has been spared of some 6,000 metric tons of carbon dioxide. This strongly suggests that four-day workweeks should become a norm, and there are now proposals being developed for three-day workweeks, and perhaps even two. That proposal is being heading by the Families Association To Better Unite Mothers, Bosses And Managers (also known as FATBUMBAM).
This story reminds me of: Jason Lytle - It's The Weekend (from Yours Truly, The Commuter)

The Archbishop of Westminster has said that Facebook can lead to suicide. Archbishop Vincent Nichols, the head of the Catholic Church in England and Wales, was commenting after reports that a 15-year-old girl poisoned herself after being bullied on Bebo. The Archbishop said that social networking sites cause young people to treat friendships as "commodities", because they cause teenagers to pay more attention to the number of friends, rather than the quality of friendships. I totally feel him man. Young people these days need to learn to value frie... hoh dang, I just passed 321,789 Twitter followers! Somebody worship me now.
This story reminds me of: Zee Avi - First of The Gang To Die (from Zee Avi)

A new study has revealed that avid sports fans are more unhealthy than those who don't follow any particular team. For example, the study by University of Arkansas found that 26 percent of sports fans eat vegetables only one to three times a month, compared to 19.2 percent of non-sports fans. Which is completely ridiculous, since potato chips are like totally vegetables. Like duh, they think potatoes come from sheep? Sheesh. The study sucks. I'm so going to tell them, as soon as this Greek league friendly is over and I manage to shift my 500 pound thighs off this couch.
This story reminds me of: Grey Anne - Superlazy (from Facts 'N Figurines)

In the papers today...

Six Premier League players have subjected themselves to HIV testing after they discovered that the groupie they all slept with discovered that she had HIV. The groupie's boyfriend fraternised with footballers but once she and the boyfriend broke up, she proceeded to sleep around with six football players, some more than once. Speculation abounds as to who the six players might be. Thankfully, the first player to make a statement was Nicklas Bendtner, who said it can't be him, because he's not actually a football player.
This story reminds me of: The Distillers - Death Sex (from Coral Fang)

The latest edition of Apple's iTunes has disabled the ability to synch the popular music player with the Palm Pre. Perviously, a Palm Pre owner could connect the much-buzzed smart phone with the computer, and it would automatically launch iTunes and allow users to drag and drop songs into the phone as per iPods and iPhones. This is no longer possible, and suggests that Apple are truly taking the competition posed by the Palm Pre seriously. It is also another natural step in Apple's ad campaign, known to industry insiders as "Dear yuppies of the world, everything we do is glorious, so worship us, you Palm-preening twats!"
This story reminds me of: The Fire Fight - Beware! Monster (from Henri)

A new study suggests that swearing actually helps to make pain more tolerable. The study, released by Keele University in England, was a result of volunteers submerging their hands in a tub of ice water for as long as possible while repeating the swear word of their choice, and then doing the same thing while repeating a more common, non-swear word. The results showed that volunteers who swore were able to keep their hands submerged longer. What the study didn't reveal, however, is that the people who weren't swearing were actually repeating "Megan Fox", and they soon realised they had better things to do with their hands.
This story reminds me of: The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart - This Love Is F***ing Right (from The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart)

In the papers today...

A new fossil discovered in Germany might prove to be the latest "missing link" in the evolution process of humans. The 47-milion-year-old fossil, called a Darwinius massilae but nicknamed "Ida", is one of the most intact fossils ever found--so intact that her last meal of fruit, seeds and leaves can still be found in her stomach. Which actually kinda disqualifies her already, since the real "missing link" woulda at least had some pork knuckles lodged somewhere in those intestines.
This story reminds me of: Mirah - Bones And Skin (from (a)spera)

A new search engine has been released, called Wolfram Alpha. However, the website doesn't tout itself as a search engine, but more of a "computational knowledge engine", whereby it tries to give you answers to your search queries, rather than a list of links that contain the answers. Some of the things it can calculate are the box office takings of movies and the projected calories burnt after any given exercise. Some of the things it still can't calculate are the population of pink porcupines in Papua New Guinea (18,349) or the overall awesomeness of Lebron James (equivalent to 76 pink porcupines). Meaning, I rock more.
This story reminds me of: Speech Debelle - Searching (from Searching 7")

Danish director Lars von Trier's new film Antichrist has stirred up massive controversy at the ongoing Cannes Film Festival. The film is about a grieving husband and wife who try to take a consoling weekend trip into the woods, but who end up causing each other more pain. It includes scenes of genital mutilation, including one where a plank whacks a penis. Apparently von Trier has tried to defend that scene, saying, "At any one time, there must only be one wood."
This story reminds me of: Bon Iver - Woods (from Blood Bank)

In the papers today...

Christian groups in London are launching advertisements on London's buses declaring that God exists. The ads are done in response to a month-long campaign by atheists that saw over 800 buses carrying the slogan "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life." Supporters from both parties have come out to claim that the other side's banners are offensive and inappropriate. Meanwhile, Jack Bauer released a press statement today, saying, "Can you guys stop using my name in vain."
This story reminds me of: Boy Without God - Holy Holy Little Fist (from Your Body Is Your Soul)

Preliminary artwork for the Devastator robot has been released for the upcoming Transformers sequel. Entitled Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen, the hotly anticipated summer movie will have over 40 robots, and a storyline that revolves something about a giant superbot called The Fallen who does some superbad superbot things. It also has Megan Fox. And then it also has... it also has... hang on, I had it on the tip of my tongue. It also... Ooo, tongue...Uhhh...Devasta... Oh, my tongue. Huhuh. I said tongue...
This story reminds me of: The Cinematic Orchestra - Transformation (from Les Ailes Pourpres: Le Mystère Des Flamants)

It was Charles Darwin's birthday last week, on 12 February. The dude woulda been 200 years old. Fifty years later, he and his sciency mate would release a book initially entitled On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life. Thirteen years later it would be shortened to The Origin of Species, but only after other suggested titles like and Smacktican the Vatican, My Momma Fed Me Broccoli Good and Oompa Loompas are Da Bomb were duly considered.
This story reminds me of: The Low Anthem - Charlie Darwin (from Oh My God, Charlie Darwin)

In the papers today...

US President-elect Barack Obama bought his two daughters a Nintendo Wii for Christmas. Both Malia and Sasha then proceeded to spend their holidays in Hawaii, where they and daddy played bowling on the new console. Meanwhile, Washington announced today that they were renaming the White House as the Wiite House, and that visitors who wanted to tour the place would first have to beat Michelle Obama in a round of Wii Boxing.
This story reminds me of: Raconteurs - Consoler of the Lonely (from Consolers of the Lonely) [BUY]

Over a year after Polaroid announced it would no longer make its famed cameras, it has returnd with the PoGo, a digital camera with a built-in colour printer that prints out peel-off, sticky-backed photos right on the spot. The process is different from the old one, but the end product is similar to the original's grainy, washed out look. Two days after this was announced, art schools worldwide reported mass incidences of their students sucking thumbs, doodling dinosaurs and mumbling, "Look mummy, tulips!"
This story reminds me of: Massive Attack - Polaroid Girl (from Danny The Dog soundtrack) [BUY]

The Palm Pre has been voted the Best in Show winner for the recently concluded International Consumer Electronics Show (CES), which is awarded to the best overall gadget of the exhibition. The smartphone, which has been touted for its multitouch screen and excellent web browsing capabilities, is hailed as a return to form for Palm, and should offer decent competition to both the iPhone and the BlackBerry. It still lacks a sheath to keep your 50-foot sword though, which means that Optimus Prime is still the world leader in total awesomeness.
This story reminds me of: Idaho - Hearts of Palm (from Hearts of Palm) [BUY]

In the papers today...

The New Oxford American Dictionary has declared that 'hypermiling' is the 2008 Word of the Year. It was coined by car expert Wayne Gerdes, and it means "an attempt to maximise gas mileage by making fuel-conserving adjustments to one’s car and one’s driving techniques". Hypermilers employ techniques like driving under the speed limit, avoiding hills and maintaining proper tire pressure. The word beats other contenders, including 'aejwlk', 'hvkjahdvkjah' and 'yo'. No one knows what 'yo' means.
This story reminds me of: Epo 555 - Hyperschlieb (from Mafia) [BUY]

The fourth Moscow Millionaire Fair begins this week. The fair, organised by Miljonair magazine and just officially launched by Rafael Nadal, will feature exhibitions by more than 200 luxury companies and brands, including Volvo, Movenpick and King Koil. This comes in a year when the number of millionaires in Russia rose seven percent to 131,000. Apparently the number was closer to 131,022, but the statistics department refused to recognise names like Didier, Frank and John Abramovich.
This story reminds me of: The Lassie Foundation - I'm Stealin' To Be Your One In A Million (from Pacifico) [BUY]

Bruce Willis has received US$900,000 from Malaysian tech company Petra Group as a settlement for the lawsuit he filed against them last week. The actor had sued the company after investing US$2 million in it last year in technology that claimed to be able to recycle rubber from tyres. Had Brucey boy read the contract, however, he would have realised that the execs at Petra Group were actually taking the cash as payment for traumatising their kids with his penis in Color of Night.
This story reminds me of: Bruce Willis - Save the Last Dance for Me (from Classic Bruce Willis: The Universal Masters Collection) [BUY]

In the papers today...

The Tampa Bay Rays have reached the World Series, the finals of America's Major League Baseball season. The team, which had lost 60% of its games in its previous 10 years of existence, are set to play the Philadelphia Phillies, and should they win, will be the first team ever in any sports league to go from being the worst team one season to the best the next. It's a little like Malaysia's football team reaching the World Cup finals. Or like Vietnam's handball squad reaching the... whoa whoa, back up a bit. Actually, Malaysia hitting World Cup gold would be more like the Tampa Bay Rays winning the Champions League, the Ryder Cup and 130 gold medals at the 2012 Olympics. Yeah, that's just about right.
This story reminds me of: Fleet Foxes - In The Hot, Hot Rays (from Fleet Foxes EP)

A Malaysian audio production house has decided to distibute 10,000 CDs for free containing hymns from the Sikh holy book Guru Granth Sahib. The CD will feature a fusion of modern sounds from popular Bhangra artistes and a selection of hymns from the 300-year-old book. It will also be distributed in Hong Kong, London and around Southeast Asia, and is aimed at encouraging young people to appreciate the ancient tome. Not wanting to be outdone, Pauly Shore announced today that he too was releasing a free CD of mantras he had lived by, soundtracked to popular nursery rhyme tunes. He's calling it The Encino Man's Mondo Bondo Life Plan.
This story reminds me of: Dead Heart Bloom - Hymn (from Oh Mercy)

Silicon Valley is set to conduct a major layoff exercise, with Yahoo! leading the way. The search giant is expected to axe up to 3,500 staff, with many other Internet start-ups set to follow suit, as tech companies try to cut costs in an effort to weather the global economic crisis. Apparently last month, a venture capital firm presented a slide show to the start-ups it finances that began with a gravestone and the words "RIP good times" on it. Insiders whisper that subsequent slides had, in order, "Unless you're from Google", "Son of a gun, you are from Google!" and "Sergey! I can cut Googleplex grass for cheap!".
This story reminds me of: Mocca - It's Over Now (for Kevin) (from Friends)

In the papers today...

France is the latest country to declare that it is officially in recession. The European nation has had two consecutive quarters of negative growth, and is set to join Ireland and Denmark in this most unenvious club, its members mostly by-products of America's economic troubles. In a bid to boost the economy, French Prime Minister Nicolas Sarkozy promised not to let Carla Bruni sing anymore. The next day, stocks jumped up 800 points.
This story reminds me of: Dylan Mondegreen - Broken French (from While I Walk You Home)

The American Mustache Institute has announced that this year, it will appoint one man as the first-ever Mustached American of the Year. The award is given to the most impactful Mustached American of the past year. Nominees include former baseball player Keith Hernandez, TV anchorman Pat O'Brien and Family Guy character Cleveland Brown. Meanwhile, the world falls into recession.
This story reminds me of: Abe Vigoda - Bear Face (from Skeleton) [BUY]

Neil Gaiman is "giving away" his latest book The Graveyard, with a twist. The famed author of Stardust and The Sandman comics is embarking on a nine-city tour, where he will read one chapter a day, and then post a video recording of that reading for free on MouseCircus.com, his website for young readers. He also promises to post clips of him brushing teeth at Howmuchofarockgodami.com. That site should take off too.
This story reminds me of: Gnarls Barkley - Open Book (from The Odd Couple) [BUY]