Baybeats 2007: Sunday - They Will Kill Us All

I wanted them to kill me. Kill me good. Slash me across the chest and rip my throat out. Dump me by the road to dwell on their violence while I slowly bleed to death.

I had heard of their notoreity. A string of murders followed with larger killings. It started off with tens and twentys. Eventually, hundreds fell by their sword. I saw them kill once. They hammered an entire small room with pure fury until everyone, except I who was watching in secret, lay dead. I secretly wanted to be among the dead. I waited.

Their largest stage yet. Several hundred stood in the vicinity. I stood. Among them. Fist clenched with certain mortality on my mind. Not so certain after all.

They were weak. Lazy. Took breaks between numbers and strolled around looking bored. With every new attack they built it up from scratch. I saw them murder once, murder many, gaining a lust for blood with each kill. But here, at their promised badland, they cared less. They really cared less.

I didn't die. Got scratched on my arm and I walked out the scene unharmed. And they? They blew it.

Rating: 3.9

They Will Kill Us All - Situational Separate (unreleased demo)

Baybeats 2007: Sunday - One Buck Short

Catching One Buck Short's set was more a case of "I'm tired of waiting around" than any purposed eagerness to catch Malaysia's pop-punkers second Baybeats appearance. They closed the Powerhouse Stage, and over at the Arena, Aloha were taking a while to set up. So why not?

I mean, it's not hard to figure out that they'd predictably go all ballistic in front of a gaggle of tweens, who would predictably go all ballistic back. Still, One Buck Short are a fun watch, even if a progressively bland listen. You get scrawny lads and ladettes on each other's shoulders, and a throng of sing-a-longs and cheesy dancing. And you get a band who are wholeheartedly convinced that their brand of music is the way to go.

Also, to their credit, they're certainly getting better at what they do, as opening slots for Fall Out Boy and Good Charlotte and a performance at the just-over Singfest prove. And they'll likely be around a little while longer, since there aren't many chuggy-riffed bands around this region with their kind of established fanbase. So hooray for the prolonged shelf life.

Three chords and 15 minutes later, I left.

Rating: 4.5

One Buck Short - That Day (live recording at Paul's Place, 2004)

Baybeats 2007: Sunday - Tookoo

So while waiting for some of our overawed buddies to get their CDs signed by Everyone Loves Irene, I hung around the Nokia Powerhouse stage to watch China's Tookoo. We only caught about 10 minutes (as we were rushing to get a good spot for They Will Kill Us All), but it was a decent if not too original pot. They've got the whole Maximo Park post-punk thing going on, with the requisite emo stylings that any band in this fest might be expected to have.

Wouldn't be really fair to give it a rating, I suppose. But heck, who ever said I was fair? There was this one time when this kid tripped me up during basketball in school one day. So I bought myself a Russian nuke and blasted his neighbourhood. Take that.

Rating: 5.9

Tookoo - Dance For Yourself (from Dance For Yourself EP)

Baybeats 2007: Sunday - Everybody Loves Irene

The starry-eyed boy watched as Irene, the impish girl with a bag slung over her shoulder and a plastic water bottle, walked nonchalantly onto stage.

(Is she serious? This is her entrance?)

The band was already playing. She's cute. You'll forgive her posturing. (Some say you might even love her.) She stands at the mic and cheshires so sweetly, you'd have sworn that across the bay, someone in Indonesia was receiving her smile. She welcomes the crowd. Waves a little. Like a doe-eyed doll.

Then it happens. Her eyes go square over the heads of the crowd. The languid basslines and droning keyboards turn the waterfront into a strange and empty landscape and Irene - June one moment ago - has gone all December. Her hands twitch. Her voice is heartbreaking. Her smile is six months ago and her act is cunning. Almost sharp.

This little chameloen weaves in and out of character. Strawberry Shortcake one moment, Beth Gibbons the next. The set was enthralling. The starry-eyed boy was entranced. After holding an extraodinary note on the final number, Irene picks up her sling bag and water bottle, and she walks out.

The band play on. What a way to go.

Rating: 7.0

Everybody Loves Irene - You're My Tragedy (from The Very First Thing You Must Learn About Flying Is Gravity)

Baybeats 2007: Saturday - The Lovesong

Watching The Lovesong's set isn't completely unlike watching an American Godzilla movie or a Japanese John Rambo, complete with red headbands and bomb-tipped arrows.

The sound is unmistakably At the Drive-in. Ben Tse's monologues over the angular guitars and twinkly picking bits is square within what ATDI were doing on Relationships of Command. Except you have a bunch of Asian dudes on stage pretending its sunny El Paso Texas and that they are some chicos who ran over the Mexican border a couple of years back.

But hey, you shouldn't blame someone for being good-looking, no matter how big an ass the bugger may be. If anything The Lovesong have to be saluted for copying from a good source. It looks like the ghost of cotton candy murder ala Whence He Came has been properly expunged from their gauntly bodies. All that's left is just err ... the stick.

Rating: 6.8

The Lovesong - One Becomes What One Used to Hate (from DD/MM/YYYY)

Baybeats 2007: Saturday - Urbandub

Have you ever been punched before, like square in the nose? And just after the punch makes contact with those two fragile bones in your nose and you hear it snap, a large crate that's housing a Gundam robot drops on you, smashing almost every single bone in your body, except that one bone holding your buttocks up and just as you try to call upon that bone to deliver you some dignity, the Gundam robot's rear end comes apart and falls on you, smashing that last bone as well. Have your ever felt like this at all?

Well watching Urbandub's set on Saturday felt a little like that. With a name like that I was expecting some skinny bearded dude behind a DJ console or some rastafarians with way too much hair which has seen way too little shampoo in their existence. But alas, the four piece from the Philippines strode on stage, strummed a de-tuned note and proceeded to knock the pants off the unassuming crowd gathered at the Powerhouse stage just after dinner time. Starting with the punchy emo rock monster that was 'Alert the Armoury', the band went on to play five other songs, hardly letting up for the duration of their set. With tons of soaring choruses, perfect three part harmonies and even a C.C. Deville endorsed guitar-over-shoulders swinging move, this was emo the way it was meant to be played.

What? You mean you have never seen a Gundam robot before? Isn't there one in every home? I grew up with one always around me. Either changing my nappies, boiling some soup, driving me to my prom and taking my dog for walks. I thought it was rather weird that it kept using a huge plasma cannon to stir my coffee. I mean I am pretty used to ordering it around. My friends used to say say I was a pretty tough and big kid. I have no idea what they were talking about.

Rating: 8.7

Urbandub - Frailty (from Embrace)

Baybeats 2007: Saturday - Blindside

I used to work next to a guy who swore his life on Glassjaw, Underoath and Blindside. I'd ween him on my Pearl Jam, and he'd educate me on the wonders of Christian hardcore. I'd debate that Smashing Pumpkins could grind it with the best of them, and then he'd play me 10 seconds of 'About A Burning Fire', and say how Billy Corgan's squeal on 'Zero' sounds like a pregnant shrimp compared to Christian Lindskog's alphamale wail.

So my excitement was palpable when I heard that the Swedes were scheduled to close Saturday night at the Arena Stage. And dang, what a set. I'm convinced Baybeats witnessed its largest ever mosh pit. Scenes of shirt-swinging and fist-pumping were aplenty.

Me? I was happy catching the action away from the banging bods, and humming in my head to 'Pitiful' and 'Eye Of The Storm'. Bottom line: Budding metal acts around the region who missed this need to replay those Youtube videos over and over to get a firm lesson in how to manhandle thousands. And swing a mic stand. And do a kick flip with a guitar. And yowl like you mean it.

Oh, and apparently the band went to church the next morning. Rawk.

Rating: 8.2

Blindside - The Way You Dance (from The Black Rose EP)

Baybeats 2007: Saturday - Observation Deck - Reza Salleh and Warren Chan

One day, Romeo and Teddy Bear die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St Peter tells them, "Only one of you can go in. To enter heaven, you have to play me a 30-minute set as a singer-songwriter".

Without delay, Romeo whips out an acoustic guitar and starts plucking. He sways his hips from side-to-side, stares longingly into St Peter's eyes and starts singing a whole bunch of vaginally-lubricating numbers. When he finishes, the crowd that has gathered around the Pearly Gates rip into applause and cheer.

Then St Peter turns to Teddy Bear and says, "It's your turn, Teddy".

So Teddy Bear, defying the rules of singer-songwriterism, pulls out a giant red Ibanez Artcore, plugs it into the nearest amp and starts singing like a nervous child, his awkward eyes evading every stare. In between songs, he tells everyone that his playing is bad because he's scared. When he finishes, the crowd clap respectfully.

St Peter looks at the both of them and immediately says "Teddy Bear, welcome to heaven." And so the Pearly Gates open and Teddy Bear walks in happily.

Then Romeo, jaw dropping, asks St Peter, "How come I didn't get into heaven? My plucking was technically challenging, my stage presence was alluring, my diction has improved by leaps and bounds and I connected with the crowd! They loved me!"

To which St Peter said...

(errr... what's the punchline oredi ah? shit. i forgot the punchline)

Ratings:
Reza Salleh - 5.4
Warren Chan - 7.9

Reza Salleh - A Relic Is What I Live In (from Voices From Next Door compilation)
Warren Chan - Dear Derelict (from Ferns' On Botany)

Baybeats 2007: Friday - Azmyl Yunor & The Sigarettes

You know what's the best thing about knowing how to joget? No, it's not so you can lose 10kg in four weeks with money-back guarantee and have lots of fun doing it. The best thing about knowing how to joget is that you can joget to Azmyl Yunor & the Sigarettes - a feat accomplished by many a Singaporean on the night Malaysia's cult folkie graced the bay.

Against the backdrop of vein-popping, throat-wrenching emo types, Azmyl's country cool comes off as laid back relief, like turning the standing fan to face your direction while you lie in the grass on a warm afternoon. And in the grass, there are all these nice woody smells. And eventhough somewhere in those smells there is a lumbering scent of your serotonin's blues, the rest of the whiff conjures all the exciting freshness that makes your lungs pop and your eyes water with popsicle joy. And as you lie in the sun, the cry of a harmonica explodes in your head, like a pocket-sized orchestra. Voices sing along. Feet dance along. They don't just dance. They joget. And then, it all winds down.

You get up from the grass and turn off the fan.

Now you're one.

Rating: 7.3

Azmyl Yunor - Charity Lane (from Tenets EP)

Baybeats 2007: Friday - Utopium

So it's been four days since Baybeats concluded, and one of the bands we've been raving about most is Utopium. Unfortunately, it's not the positive kind of raving; more of the ridiculing, "Do you remember him saying that?!?" nature.

But there's a good reason for this. From the band's name to their jet black outfits to their multinational makeup (members are from France, Russia and Mexico) to their cosmic shoegaze soundscapes, everything about Utopium suggested a performance of grandiose, moonwalking proportions. But evidently, the only sign of outer space came from frontman Maxime Petrovski's monotone speaking voice. I wish I had a recording of it; it's a bit like R2D2 talking into a stand fan (we tried recreating it a couple of days later, to everyone's glee). The songs themselves were equally flatline, each one sounding like a poor man's Ride and with half the capacity to elevate beyond rote two-chord progressions. We watched them for about 15 minutes, offered our quota of snide remarks, and then headed off to watch Plainsunset.

Rating: 3.2

Utopium - Planeador (from No Memory Man)

Baybeats 2007: Friday - Stentorian

Sometimes, you need to stop talking. My momma taught me that. She also taught me to bathe twice a day, smile at bad drivers and be nice to cats. But I'm a bad learner.

I sometimes wish bands had mummies too. That way, they'd have proper oversight and receive constant advice about their blindspots. Like Stentorian, for example. They've got that kind of zipper-tight proggy-funk sound that could easily give Maroon 5 a run for their moolah, and a keen sense of melody that makes songs like 'Fly' and 'Fancy Girl' worth singing along to. But they've also got a gratingly annoying frontman who needs to stop canvasing support from the stage and making the crowd tell him that his band rocks. Plus, the band looked rather self-conscious, and seemed awkwardly incapable of occupying the Powerhouse Stage in a manner that would do justice to their stellar musicianship.

Still, I'd give them a couple more years of polishing up the nitty-gritty before passing any conclusive judgment. There's a pearl in this oyster; it just needs mummy's gentle fingers to pry it out.

Rating: 5.1

Stentorian - Contemplation (from Stentorian EP)

The pirate's nightmare

Yeah, I'll get to the whole Baybeats recap soon, but just heard some news that's too important to ignore. News that threatens the very existence of this blog, and thousands like it. News that could mean the difference between you waking up to a bright, sunny tomorrow, or a dank, torturous one.

According to NME, someone has just created a virus called W32.Deletemusic that is programmed to detect and delete all the music on your hard drive, including any attached external ones. Not only does the bastardly creator lack the brain power to come up with a better name, he or she couldn't even offer the decency of letting us keep stuff on external hard drives.

Anyways, some music industry director dude gave three tips to MP3-zens worldwide on how to avoid suffering such an ignoble fate:

1. think twice before attaching an external memory card to your computer
2. back up your music on DVD, and
   
3. make sure your anti-virus is up to date.
   

I'm offering a fourth: let's start a fund to collect enough money to hire Dog the Bounty Hunter to hunt down the idiot who created this virus, and drag him to my doorstep alive and barely breathing, so we can all take turns bashing his head with our sister's Lindsey Lohan CDs.

Grandaddy - Hewlett's Daughter (from The Sophtware Slump)

Baybeats 2007: Friday - Plainsunset

Plainsunset closed the Nokia Arena on Friday night in front of a large crowd. By large I mean when you see it from afar, you see a large brown glob of sago-looking mess. Isn't it something to know that humans in large quantities often look brown, as in like brownies.

Playing a mixture of oldie goldies such as the karaoke-ready 'Find a Way' and newer cuts like 'Interference' from their upcoming fourth album, Plainsunset clocked in a by-the-numbers set with plenty of the monkeying, watered down. There was little of those 10-feet leaps, the newer cuts appeared a little choppy at times and they certainly take themselves far too seriously these days.

Rating: 6.7

Plainsunset - Find a Way (from Love Songs for the Emotionally Wounded)

Baybeats 2007: Thursday - Mercury Rev

"Spacey!" she exclaimed.

I looked at my friend, a tad confused. You saw Kevin?

"That's the word I was looking for!" she continued. "I'm trying to think of a way to describe their music. So it's spacey!"

Ahhh. Fair enough. But looking for and interstellar parallel to Mercury Rev's music surely requires one to head beyond the Milky Way, and into the nether regions of Eagle Nubula NGC 6611 or thereabouts. It's got that kind of dimension, and their Thursday night performance at the Esplanade Theatre was pretty much that kind of fantastic voyage. The mix was a little loud, and backing visuals that accompanied each song sometimes bordered on uppity pretension. But hey, they played six songs from Deserter's Songs and one of my All Is Dream favs 'The Dark Is Rising' (though they left out 'Spiders and Flies'), so who's to complain? Plus, when else can you get a chance to recreate a journey through the cosmos without having to leave those plush, cushy chairs?

Rating: 7.2

Mercury Rev - The Dark Is Rising (from All Is Dream)

Aye aye lads, we meet yet again

Ye three pirates have returned to our murky shores, fresh from a sumptuous outing of 'ayam penyet', some bargain raids and four solid days of ear-chomping music.

The next few days, we will be bringing you non-stop reviews, fresh from the coffers, uncut, purely for your dastardly enjoyment. There will be plenty of blood spilled but also many a lagger to cheers on.

And just so its clear, I am not the one in the middle.

Good seas then.

To Baybeats we go!

The sails are up. The wind is a-blowin.

The pirates are taking to the sea for an Esplanadean long weekend of making snide comments at emo bands, quasi-drunk shouting at local heroes (and by local, you know what we mean), raiding bargain bins, robbing HMV and eating multiple crates of mos burger.

We also have four cool chicks in the chest.

Three pirates. Four chicks.

Trust me. It adds up.

Rarity on the rarity: I Like A Boy In Uniform (School Uniform)

B-side of the week takes a break this... err... week... Instead, here's a rarity on the rarity, a new feature that shows up unannounced and... not... often.

The Pipettes
I Like A Boy In Uniform (School Uniform)
Unpopular Records

Rare factor: Standalone 2005 single with only 500 copies ever printed.

On every plane, there is one air stewardess whom you want to lean over you to serve orange juice to the repeatedly thirsty bloke sitting by the window.

In every hospital, there is one nurse whom you want to take your blood pressure, because it feels so good when she squeezes that rubber thing and your arm tightens up.

In every chateau, there is one french maid whom you want to dust the lazy chair that you're on, especially if the lazy chair is the kind with the propelling hidden foot-rest that can trip someone into falling onto the chair.

At every camp-site, there is one girl guide whom you'll let tie all the knots, because there's nothing nicer sometimes than letting a girl pull all the strings.

At every netball game, there is one player whom you hope will score all the goals, because eventhough she has to lift one leg in suchaway that reminds you of male canines leaking, it's still a lot more entertaining than lawn bowling.

Because it's all about the uniform.

At every classroom, there is one girl who looks better wearing school uniform than wearing anything or nothing else.

The Pipettes - I Like A Boy In Uniform (School Uniform)

Who's Who at Baybeats 2007: City On Film (US)

Who in blazing tarnations is City On Film? Well it's the new moniker for ex-Braid/Hey Mercedes frontman Bob Nanna.

Part rock band, part DJ combo, this act should appease not only fans of straight balls out emo rock but perhaps a few who like it sprinkled with something a little tastier.

And yes, that is his real name and not some gag I made. I mean, if I wanted to make a gag I usually make pretty damn sure it looks like a gag. Like why would I go with something as unfunny as Bob Nanna. That's about as serious as names come. It goes well in the military ("General Nanna, should I give the order to launch that 100 ton nuclear warhead sir?") or politics ("President Nanna, you shouldn't be looking at your intern that way.").

Man the name is so serious, I feel like putting on a tie even when I am just saying it.

City On Film - King Leer (Morrissey cover)

Look what I found in the bargain bin

Hidden Cameras
Mississauga Goddam
(Rough Trade)

Price: RM37.90

She hesitates. Stabs at her keyboard one more time. Wishes she could stab it one more time.

Quiet commotion. She calls the manager. System error? But I just sold Olivia Newton John's album to that 55-year-old lady a second ago, she claims.

Meanwhile, he's standing on the other side. Smug. Like a mug. There's nothing quite like finding an imported album that has been wrongly price tagged, so that what usually goes for the upper regions of RM70 is now about to be sold for the lower regions of US$10.

More quiet commotion. She gives him a cursory glance. He gives her an extended one. I dare you to ask me to pay more, he stares. I double dare you...

She sighs. Deletes the original price from the system. Punches in the new price. Heads will roll tonight, and his will bop and wiggle to the harmonies of Canada's Beach Boys reincarnate.

Will that be all, she asks.

All.

The Hidden Cameras - We Oh We (from Mississauga Goddam)

Who's Who at Baybeats 2007: They Will Kill Us All (M'sia)

If there is a highlight for me in the coming Baybeats it would be to watch the warm fuzz tones of They Will Kill Us All magnified on a large stage.

With an album looming and tons of street cred from tireless gigs and a rich indie lineage (Couple, Polythene, Custom Daisy and OAG are just some of the bands that the members of They Will Kill Us All have been a part of), they should be sharp enough to take Baybeats Sunday's almost-closing slot with a gentle swipe of their large sword.

Yes sword as in a large blade. And no I wasn't trying to be tongue-in-cheek nasty. I really meant a sword. As in the type I use to chop vegetables at home. What? That's a knife? Of course it isn't. It has a Thundercats insignia on it which blinks when I press a button below the handle and it's made of plastic. Damn right it's a macho sword. Though a knife would be better to chop vegetables with seeing as I have not been able to chop a single vegetable since I started using it. Maybe it's too sharp or something.

They Will Kill Us All - Secret Episodes (from Junk CD 10)