The Charlton Heston Grand Prix
Arcade Fire - Neon Bible
The View - Wasted Little DJ's
Keep the grandness dial between 8 and 10, put a theocentric angle on proceedings and that's how you win the Charlton Heston Grand Prix. What? Why Charlton Heston? Because he's the man, that's why! Charlton Heston can wipe out a whole tribe with his index finger. He can scale mountains with his legs tied up. He's Moses, man. He keeps the cars running and all that shit.
Arcade Fire - Intervention
The Official Year End Coitus Choice
The Raveonettes - Lust Lust Lust
A boy. A girl. Interweaving. In harmony. One takes the lead. The other follows. Noise. Lots and lots of noise. A thumping beat. A drone. Gorgeous voices. And a twang. If you plan to have uncontrollably wild coitus for 40.5 minutes anytime this year, do yourself a favour. Put this record on.
The Raveonettes - Lust
The 'Lucky's Got Nothing To Do With It (But Being A Hot Blonde Does)' Award
Lucky Soul - The Great Unwanted
The other day, I was at the market buying prosciutto from Pappa Gambotto. And he was telling me that I may have a great writer's job, drive an authentic 1968 Volvo, be able to run 15km before breakfast everyday, and be adored by the local critical press, but all that means nothing if you lack two things: being able to sleep in the arms of a gorgeous woman and being able to go home to a real Italian meal. I told him, "Pappa Gambotto, the prosciutto is for my girlfriend. She's staying over tonight". You're a lucky soul, he said.
Lucky Soul - My Brittle Heart
The Drunken Singer Special Mention
The View - Hats Off To The Buskers
Ok, so maybe Kyle Falconer doesn't sound like he's entirely drunk. But once, I met a philosopher who asked me this question, "is the presence of something necessarily the same as the absence of nothing?". I told him I'd think about it and get back to him. I like to tell this story whenever I run out of relevant things to say.
The More is More Award
Polyphonic Spree - Fragile Army
Look, if the soup doesn't taste right, add more salt, add more pepper, and add more chives, lime leaves, mango, pork broth, honey, mushroom stock, lychee, rosemary, cinnamon, garlic and lemon zest. If it still doesn't taste right, run away.
Polyphonic Spree - (Section 22) Running Away
The Old is Gold Award
The Good The Bad & The Queen - The Good The Bad & The Queen
One day, I will grow old, have a big beard, wear reading glasses, have a really gruff voice and still have perky teenage girls waiting outside my door for so much as a sniff of the air I breathe. You know why? Cos I'm Charlton Heston's son.
The Good The Bad & The Queen - 80s Life
The 'Token Social-Commentary Album That Earns Credibility For Critic' Award
Stars - In Our Bedroom After The War
I have a friend who gives out awards for the best wars of the year. He gives out titles like Best Bloody War, Best Intelligence War, Best New Conflict, and the big prize - War of the Year. I asked him what he thought next year's candidate would be. He gave me this look and then said "None. Next year we'll have peace".
Stars - Take Me To The Riot
The 'I Haven't Finished Downloading Their Album But It's Already Bloody Awesome' Prize
The Films - Don't Dance Rattlesnake
How does a band with a barely functioning official website and a nearly impossible band name to google make a dent in the internet-driven music listening market? The answer is pivotal to understanding why they are receiving the aforementioned prize. Yes, they don't make a dent. They just make a big bloody gaping hole about the size of Arkansas.
The Films - Belt Loops
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