Ahh the stench of football is in the air again, particularly the stench of European footballers, which I have been told smells a lot like Oprah's armpits mixed with a spoon of essence of baboon. Anyways, Euro 2008 is upon us and seeing as football is the other thing, besides checking out chicks at the mall and curing cancer, that us Pirates take a lot of pride in, we thought it would be nice for us to share with you our very own Stinky XI.
1. Jens Lehmann - Germany (GK)Is it just me or has nobody noticed how much Jens Lekman looks like David Hasselhoff? Which is cool if you're German because if there's one person you want keeping your goal, it's Michael Knight.
Jens Lekman -
A Man Walks Into a Bar (from
Oh You're So Silent Jens)
[BUY
]2. Mario Melchiot - Netherlands (D)My dad used to say that Mario Melchiot looks and plays like a predator. I used to laugh at my dad for saying that but I am starting to think that is true. Why else would he make the damn squad anyways, if not that. And by predator I don't mean a lion, but the alien that skins people alive.
Mario -
How Do I Breathe (from
Go)
[BUY
]3. Joan Capdevila - Spain (D)I am a fairly open minded individual, but where I come from (which is somewhere fairly unpronounceable with a lot of swords and chicks in bearskin bikinis) it ain't a guy's name unless it starts with a
B and ends with an
E, which means we only accept the name Bruce. So if you're not a Bruce, you're automatically a ninny. Unless you have my name, which is
Badsarse. That is also okay.
Joan of Arc -
Infinite Blessed (from
So Much Staying Alive and Lovelessness)
[BUY
]4. Johnny Heitinga - Netherlands (D)The Dutch are sporting a woeful-looking defence for the tournament and at the heart of it, a Johnny. Seriously, all he needs now is a leather jacket, some shades and a hot blond draped over his arms. Ahh here comes the blond, with the leather jacket and shades now. Dang, that's a hot one. (After a good hearty 8-minutes of whistling) Sorry, where were we again?
Johnny Boy -
War on Want (from
Johnny Boy)
[BUY
]5. Christian Panucci (D)Holy cow it's Christian Panucci. Isn't he like 60-years old by now? So they do give older people a chance at these things. No wonder grandpa was off to training the other day with his walker. He never did return though. I wonder what happened to him.
Christians and Lions -
Gimme Diction (from
More Songs for Daydreamers and the Very Awake)
6. Miguel Luis Pinto Veloso - Portugal (M)And sure, most people would call him Miguel Veloso, but we've chosen to highlight his second middle name Pinto. Why? Because if there was a band called Veloso, we would have to shoot the singer in the head, Miguel sounds like the name of a Spanish porn star and Luis is the name of my second-and-a-half uncle who likes dating taller women.
Pinto -
This Picture Needs a Frame (from
Hook Me Up)
[BUY
]7. Ruben de la Red - Spain (M)Awww ... look at the cute ex-Madrid starlet blushing. He's all red cause he has to go back to Madrid next season to kiss Arjen Robben's left butt cheek. It's either that or Ivan Campo's armpits and spend a summer on loan to Derby County as their water boy. Yeps, pucker up baby.
Vendetta Red -
Joyless Euphoria (from
Sisters of the Red Death)
[BUY
]8. Sebastian Larsson - Sweden (M)Sebastian deserves a damn starting place, only because his last name is Larsson. And in my book, every damn Swede that is named Larsson is automatically a good footballer, just like how every Gianluigi is supposed to have a moustache and every Optimus is supposed to be a robot.
Belle and Sebastian -
Mayfly (from
If You're Feeling Sinister)
[BUY
]9. Luca Toni - Italy (F)Luca Toni has apparently been scoring a lot of chicks. He scored 39 chicks this year, making him the top scorer in Germany. What? Goals you say? So that's what they call em these days eh?
Tony! Toni! Tone! -
Whatever You Want (from
The Revival)
[BUY
]10. Mario Gomez - Germany (F)There's something bloody wrong about the world when you have a Gomez playing for Germany. Why? Cause all Germans should be a Matthias or Adolf or Helga (if you're a hot blond synchronized swimmer).
Gomez -
Coltrane (from
Detroit Swing ’66/Ping One Down)
[BUY
]11. Thierry Henry - France (F)What's there about Henry that's not already been said? Used to date a few hot chicks. Was married to a hot chick. Yeah, that's all.
Joe Henry -
Stop (from
Scar)
[BUY
]
News has just gotten in that among all the managers that shat bad football on us, it turns out that the one that should have bloody gotten the sack, did not. Raymond Domenech ushered out a heard of French buffalos for three matches, virtuously displayed to us how painful it is to watch aging defenders being torn apart by young hot shot wingers and ended the tournament with a sublime move to play Eric Abidal as a central-defender against Italy (if you have no idea what that means, it is equivalent to getting Britney Spears to do a cover of The Smiths' 'I Know It's Over') which resulted in him being sent off before the crowd was even properly seated.
Oh, well. My. Pardon me then Raymond. Is that Ray for 'Ray of Kick-Assness'? Anyway, may thee rock on until 2010 (try not to break any beds though). Ha ha beds. Get it? Get it? I best be off to eat a chicken buffet and be the fat-ass that I am. You go do what you do best.
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