Dirty Projectors for Asia?

So apparently the Dirty Projectors have been 'offered' to a prominent gig organizer in these parts for a show. What 'offer' exactly entails we don't really know. Except that our favorite mumbling pork-loving paparazzi has just been assassinated. So we're assuming it's big. It might have to do with nuclear energy, suicide bombers or more likely, Pantsy' fart, which we heard can send you either time traveling to 1903, increase your brain growth by 12.35% or turn you into an underfed chicken.

Dirty Projectors - After Santa Monica Boulevard (from Morning Better Last!)

Look what I found in the bargain bin

The Cooper Temple Clause
Kick Up the Fire, and Let the Flames Break Loose
(Morning)

Price: RM4.95

Hey so I bought the Belly CD, happy as a bee, ready to pee, to eat dinner with gee and watch footie when I realized the bargain bin offer was a 'Buy 1 free 1 offer'. So it's RM9.90 for 2 CDs. Which if you have not quite done the math (I did the math 20 hours ago because I predicted that I would be bragging about it at this very moment), is more brilliant than brillant's older brother.

That's like having five Victoria's Secret models agree to bang you, only to find that under each of them lies a plate of barbecued and burned-to-a-crisp pork ribs.

The Cooper Temple Clause - Blind Pilots (from Kick Up the Fire, and Let the Flames Break Loose)

Big Day Out 2010: First announcement is out!

Big Day Out will always hold a special place in me, Genusfrog and Pantsy's hearts. Because on top of being our only experience at a popular world renown music festival, it was also the first time we realized that Pantsy's skin fries like a sunny side up in the Australian summer. Not to mention it was also the first time we discovered that Genusfrog is infatuated with a beer bottle named Matilda. And it was the first time I discovered my immunity against desert storms and my ability to fly short distances. Yeah I know, it's quite obvious who's the awesomest.

The line-up so far: Muse, Powderfinger, Lily Allen, Eskimo Joe, Groove Armada, Grinspoon, The Mars Volta, Lady Hawke, Dizzee Rascal, Karnivool, Peaches, The Temper Trap, Kasabian, Midnight Juggernauts, Rise Againts, Magic Dirt, Mastadon, Lisa Mitchell, The Horrors, Bluejuice, Calvin Harris, Kisschasy, The Decemberists, Tame Impala, Girl Talk.

Muse - Thoughts of a Dying Atheist (from Absolution)
The Decemberists - Yankee Bayonet (I Will Be Home Then) (from The Crane Wife)

Look what I found in the bargain bin

Belly
King
(4AD)

Price: RM4.95

You also know bands are running out of names when they name themselves after a body part.

I mean it's one thing to name yourself after an animal, a cartoon character or food, it's quite another thing to name yourself after human gut. Although in my case, Belly's name would be interpreted as 'Six Pack', cause I have no 'belly' and as such, have not committed the word to my superior memory. Unless it's 'pork belly' in which case I would say, 'Chow down, bitches'.

Belly - Super-Connected (from King)

Word for the Week: Holiday

Cause holiday is in the air here in the office. It's ghost town 102 my friends. So the Internet's faster, the lunch lines are shorter and there are less chicks to ogle at. Oh wait, that kinda of sucks I think. Shit man, the holidays suck.

Blur - Bank Holiday (demo) (from Parklife)

Me: I would like to go on a bank holiday
Dude: What do you do on a bank holiday?
Me: I visit banks
Dude: ...

The Wilson Hospital - Summer Holiday (from Medication for a Lost Generation)

Me: I would like to go on a summer holiday
Dude: What's a summer holiday?
Me: ...
Dude: Oh ... (boards his UFO)

Matt Pond PA - Holiday Road (Lindsay Buckingham) (from Winter Songs)

Me: I would like to go on a holiday road
Dude: What's a holiday road?
Me: A road that leads to a holiday
Dude: And what if it's an island holiday?
Me: ...
Dude: ...
Me: Pass me the wetsuit and prep the buggy for sea pressure

Love Me Butch - Hollywood Holiday (from This is the New Pop)

Me: I would like to go on a Hollywood holiday
Dude: What's a Hollywood holiday?
Me: A holiday where you visit a guy named Holly with wood
Dude: Oh, but isn't Holly a girl's name?
Me: *wink*
Dude: Oh ... (boards his UFO, quickly)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: The Innocence Mission - Tomorrow On the Runway

Old days, don't come to find me
The sun is just about to climb up over there
While my heart is sinking I do not want my voice
To go out into the air
Did you leave the darkness without me?
You're always miles ahead
And you're standing in tomorrow on the runway

Oh be the music in my head
The air around my bed, oh be my rest
Replace the small disgraces of
The times and places that I never really left
Did you leave the darkness without me?
You're always miles ahead
And you're standing in tomorrow on the runway

Oh I want to fly, fly forward into the light
Be alive, to come alive
On the leaf-bright Friday drive
Sudden horses at the red light
Turn around, see clearer ways to go now

Because there is something terribly kickass about waiting for a girl at a runway. I mean, this is not trunk road or bicycle lane. This is a damn runway. Step out of line a little and you could be owned by a Boeing.

Therefore because of this, I have theorized that the song is about She Hulk.

Cause only she would want her man (The Hulk?) to wait for her at a runway. The rest of us would be fine with a 7-Eleven.

The Innocence Mission - Tomorrow On the Runway (from Befriended)

Playground Festival: Those boys from Scotland have confirmed

So apparently, there's this dance music festival happening in Jakarta in November and that they've already signed up Franz Ferdinand as headliners. Wait a dang minute, aren't they a rock band? Yeah heck they are, they play guitars. And anyone that plays a guitar is automatically rock. Yes, including the Bee Gees.

Anyways, everything's dance music these days. Like just the other day, I was taking out the thrash and I accidentally tumble over a few thrash cans outside the house and from nowhere some sleazy agent named Devon jumps out from behind a bush and says I have a future as a DJ. So I said sure. Next thing I know I'm in some club where the girls keep shedding clothes per-minute for some reason and I am ejecting and playing CDs every 5 minutes. Is this DJ-ing? Cause if it is then I sure as heck am a dang good DJ, dawg.

Details:

Date: 14th November 2009 (Saturday)
Venue: Pantai Carnaval, Ancol, Jakarta
Current Line up: Franz Ferdinand (UK), Chicane (UK), Mixhell (BR), The Thrillseekers (UK), Johan Gielen (NL), 3D Disco (UK), Drum Connection (DE) and more to be announced

Franz Ferdinand - Missing You (from Michael single)

B-Side of the Week: Winterlong (Neil Young)

The Pixies
Winterlong (from the Dig For Fire single)
(4AD)

I hate songs like these.

You know, songs that just sing to a selected group of people. I mean, what winter do we have at this part of the world anyway. Not that it matters because I have figured out the perfect way to enjoy this song the way it's meant to be - inside my fridge.

Yeah It's a little tight on the elbows but hey, nothing like downing a can of Coke in there to take in the spirit of the song. Just to be even more accurate, I will drink three cans so that it is long.

The Pixies - Winterlong

This Week's Track 9: Arctic Monkeys - Pretty Visitors

Unbeknownst to you, Zhang Ziyi has not been enjoying her conjugal rights with me of late. I know, I know, a man should be a man and perform his duties obediently, but it's hard to sincerely enjoy a woman, even a beautiful one, when all I can think of is Taiwanese XXL deep fried chicken. That and finding the cure for elephantitis. Oh, and Fernando Torres' thighs.

Look, Ziyi, I think I can't hack it tonight, baby. Tell you what, why don't you go pull that chicken out of the fryer, you know how I hate it when it gets too brown. Yeah, please go now. Ziyi, honey, go. Please. You're blocking the Champions League highlights.

Arctic Monkeys - Pretty Visitors (from Humbug)

The Ataris Live in Indonesia for LA Lights Indiefest 09: 10th October

Update: Turns out, they will be here for a festival that will also feature amongst others, Lenka and Raygun. More info here.

I've always thought The Ataris had a cool name. Why? It's hard to say, but I think after analyzing their name for about 120 years (my god, they are old, eh, so am I), I have concluded that it's probably because they are named after something old. Cause you know, old is gold.

As such I have started a band named The Sunnies. Named after my uncle Sunny who farts through his nose and chases after schoolgirls with his lawnmower. Bless his soul. He had a good heart.

Updated info:

Date: Saturday, 10 October 2009
Time: 2.30pm
Venue: Tennis Indoor Senayan, Jakarta, Indonesia
Tickets: Early bird special, until 3 Oct: IDR100,000 (festival), IDR150,000 (first class) & IDR200,000 (VIP); after 3 Oct: IDR150,000 (festival), IDR200,000 (first class) & IDR250,000 (VIP)

The Ataris - The Hero Dies In This One (from So Long, Astoria)

Word for the Week: Space

I've ran out of bloody space on my hard drive.

What does this mean? My Golden Girls downloads have to stop that's what. No one stands between a Geek and some old ladies. Except if you're a young lady dressed in a Mothra suit. Okay, if you throw in a calculator, some Chicken Buffet vouchers and some stockings I could well consider 'strongly'.

The xx - Basic Space (from xx)

That's what you need, some basic space. Which for me is just 1.73GB more to save me those Edison Chen scandal photos. Shhh ... Rachel does not know. Cause if she does, she may decide to pose in some for me. Yeah I know, my life sucks ... not! Ha ha, get it? Get it? Boo.

Apples in Stereo - Innerspace (from Fun Trick Noisemaker)

You now, that bit of shirt space under your armpits? Yeah, having that extra chicken chop is showing under my armpits. What this has to do with the space on my hard drive? Nothing at all, accept that I routinely keep warm by tugging my external hard drive under my armpits.

B Quartet - Personal Space (from Tomorrow is Our Permanent Address)

I've always told Rachel that I need my personal space. Granted I handcuff her to my workstation and tell her that but that's not the point. With enough striving and contortion, she should be able to give me my personal space.

The Fire Fight - People and Spaces (from Henri)

Second Singaporean band singing about spaces. Rumor has it that as soon as you're born over there, your mom's behind is all you see until you're old enough to buy a car to drive off. No, I have never confirmed this rumor. What? Of course it's true.

In the papers today...

A British cop faces action for inviting women to have sex with him on his police motorbike. The cop, 43-year-old James Appi, posted pictures on a sleazy swingers’ website of himself straddling his BMW while posing next to President Obama’s limo. When questioned, he said that it was merely a fantasy and that he would not have gone through with it. However, upon further investigation, it was revealed that he only said that because the first offer he received was from Vin Diesel, who was researching for his new film Bike Boink.
This story reminds me of: Blane Fonda - Salacious Love (from Master of Stars and Broken Arms)

Bittorrent has been banned in the Antartica. The U.S. Antarctic Program announced that it has banned all peer-to-peer applications because of "the potential to overwhelm the internet connections on the Ice". This has incensed the citizens of the Antartica, and days later, about 200 polar bears staged a mass hunger strike when their download of Penguins Gone Wild got stuck at 93%. Thankfully, Al Gore intervened, and quicky delivered to the bears several cartons containing the desired DVD, complete with bonus features and flipper-fondling devices.
This story reminds me of: Sleeping At Last - Birdcage Religion (from Storyboards)

Saved By The Bell actor Dustin Diamond is being sued for over $21,000 in unpaid property taxes. According to RadarOnline.com, The 32-year-old, better known as Screech from the 90s TV hit, also had his car repossessed. This is not the first time that Diamond has been surrounded by controversy, and in 2006 he starred in his own porn tape called Screeched, aka Saved By The Smell. His manager later admitted the tape was released in an effort to raise his profile, but close friends say that Screech was only hoping to get Mr Belding to spank him one more time.
This story reminds me of: Twiggy Frostbite - I'm Still Here (from Through Fire)

Patrick Watson Live in Singapore: 19 Jan, 2010

Okay that's it.

I've tried my best to not bother about this dude that seems to drop by our place and drop hints of shows in the first comment box he sees. I mean dude ... it's a post about soccer man. Like WAG-friendly soccer. Like busty girlies. Yeah, that kind of spirit.

But then again, we also appreciate him always thinking about us whenever he knows a show is happening. As such after typing this last line, I have concluded that it's not a 'he' that's been posting but a 'she'. That's because only 'girls' love us and think we are awesome. Because if a guy thought we were awesome, then that's just gay.

Patrick Watson - Drifters (from Close to Paradise)

The Sick Sick Six: Six Reasons Why England Could Win the World Cup in 2010

Some country called England thrashed another country called Croatia for a score of 5-1 recently and they are talking smack about them winning some thing called the World Cup. Everyone knows that's pork trotters compared the amount of thrashing I do, which is everyday. In fact, I am thrashing now ...

... Yes dear, yeah, talking to my imaginary friend again. No way, she does not have bigger boobs than you. Nope. Yeah, I've put out the thrash. I'm good at it aren't I? You're so sweet.

Freshly backed scones

Yes, none of that fusion food mumbo-jumbo. Let's be all stuffy and English and we'll win that darn thing. A little jam please and that cute waiter behind the counter, or you'll get stabbed.
Arctic Monkeys - The Bakery (from Fluorescent Adolescent single)

A 'hairdryer' from their mothers

Look at David Beckham. He probably wets his pants at the sight of his mother. A colossal nag from her and he could well climb Everest in an hour. Oh wait, yeah that's right, he wets his pants when he sees more than three packs of Lays chips at the 7-11. Bad example.
Art Brut - Nag Nag Nag Nag (from It's Complicated)

The linesman drops dead

No more offsides. Imagine what a game football would be. Like basketball, only more err ... English? Ha ha ha. Just kidding I know, football isn't just played by the English. It's Brazil too right? I knew that.
Bloc Party The Marshals are Dead (from She's Hearing Voices single)

Kill the linesman

Watch him light up in flames instead. A lot like the previous entry except with more smoke. Yes, like a barbecue. Bugger, you had me at 'barb'.
Earlimart - Cigarettes and Kerosene (from Hymn and Her)

The entire world decided to suck

England vs Andorra in the finals. Rooney scores 7 and they win 11-0. Italy, Germany, Brazil, Argentina, Netherlands, Spain, France and Portugal all did not make it. Why? Cause they got scared off by the sight of Rooney's wife.
The Clientele - Somebody Changed (from God Save the Clientele)

Keep focus and don't stare at anything.

Yes Rio, the game is football. Yeah you know, your foot to the ball, that's right. I know, I know, there are a lot of busty chicks around. We'll get you one later but for now, yes kick, yes kick, that's a good boy. Yes, you may kick harder. No, not at your mother.
The Hazey Janes - Don't Look Away (from Hotel Radio)

This Week's Track 9: Gin Blossoms - Allison Road

So I am assuming Allison lives on Allison Road?

How nifty. It would be even more nifty if it was the first time someone has done something like that, except that I already did it years ago. But instead of naming a road after some girl I liked (pfftt) or some girl that liked me (double pfftt), I decided to name it after one of my dogs, Bazooka.

Yep, I currently live on Bazooka Road. It was a toss up between my three most favorite dogs, 'Bazooka', 'Plasma Cannon' and 'Megan'. Oh wait, Megan was my wife.

Gin Blossoms - Allison Road (from New Miserable Experience)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Tori Amos - The Power of Orange Knickers

The power of orange knickers
Under my petticoat
The power of listening to what
You don't want me to know

Can somebody tell me now
Who is this terrorist
Those girls that smile kindly
Then rip you life to pieces

Can somebody tell me now
Am I alone with this
This little pill in my hand
And with this secret

Kiss
Am I alone in this? A

A matter of complication
When you become a twist
For that latest drink
As that transitioning

Can somebody tell me now
Who is this terrorist
This little pill in my hand
That keeps the pain living

Can somebody tell me now
The way out of this
That sacred pot of red stuff
Could blow me out of this

Kiss
Am I alone in this

The power of orange knickers
Under my petticoat
The power of listening to what
You don't want me to know

Shame shame time to leave me now
Shame shame you've had your fun
Shame shame for letting me think
That I would be the one

Can somebody tell me now
Who is this terrorist
This little pill in my hand
Or this secret

Kiss
Am I alone in this
Kiss

Who the heck writes a song that consists of just one line? I mean who has the audacity to do that? Ooo maybe an orange-haired feline of a singer, hence her choice of knicker-color. Which means if I wrote a similar song, it would be titled 'The Power of Black Grandmother Shorts'. What? Hey don't diss my grandma.

Anyways, yes, just one line. What the heck? Oh, what was that you said? What? Shit, no kidding? More than a few paragraphs? I could've sworn there is nothing after the word 'knickers'. It's hard to notice anything after you've found one. Peace!

Tori Amos - The Power of Orange Knickers (from The Beekeeper)

B-Side of the Week: I Think We're Alone Now (Tommy James & the Shondells)

Spinto Band

I Think We're Alone Now (from the Vivian Don't single)

(Park the Van)

There apparently this story, about a girl named Vivian. Who ran into some guy (me), who somehow got her all alone so that he could sing some cheesy pop song by Tiffany to her on karaoke. At first she said 'don't' but after awhile she was screaming 'for more'. Then she died, presumably from the bad singing. End of story.

Spinto Band - I Think We're Alone Now

This Week's Track 9: Attic Lights - Late Night Sunshine

So that's supposed to be ironic right?

Cause there's in actual fact no such thing as 'late night sunshine'. Just like there's in actual fact no such thing as 'fat-free KFC'. Or 'non-alcoholic booze'. Cause if you think these things exist then you must be Kirk Hamett. No, not Kirk Hammett, the lead guitarist of Metallica but Kirk Hammett, the gay man with Michael Bolton hair.

What? Same person? No way. You're funny man.

Attic Lights - Late Night Sunshine (from Friday Night Lights)

Handsome Furs Asia Tour 2009: It's going to be hairy

Handsome Furs? Ha ha ha. What other names will they come up with next I wonder. I mean, fur's fur you know? You can't exactly tell when one of them is Hugh Jackman's equivalent and when one of them looks like me. Jackman's the butt-ugly one of course.

Although, I have to say that someone once told me, 'Hey, pretty pubic' before. But then I just assumed they were talking about my hairdo cause you know how I'm a dickhead ha ha ha. Get it? Get it? Eh, why are you not laughing?

Tour Dates:

Date: 10th September 2009 (Thursday)
Venue: Vasco’s, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam

Date: 11th September 2009 (Friday)
Venue: Gio Song Hong, Hanoi, Vietnam

Date: 12th September 2009 (Saturday)
Venue: Club Culture, Bangkok, Thailand

Date: 18th September 2009 (Friday)
Venue: Home Club, Singapore

More info here

Handsome Furs - What We Had (from Plague Park)

Opeth Live in Singapore: November 2009

Looking at these Swedish death-metallers, one thing is definitely certain - to continue to be an ass-kicking metal band, one should always have beards, long hair and leather jackets. Taking pictures in dark blue-light rooms makes some difference too. Do none of these things and you might turn out like Metallica, which basically is the equivalent of being gay, or worst, Kirk Hammett.

Opeth - Epilogue (from My Arms, Your Hearse)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: The Promise Ring - Stop Playing Guitar

So if I had a dime for every time I should've
Stopped playing guitar and put my nose in a book
Then my head would be healthy and my guitar would be dusty
And that just might save me from a bunch of bad songs
So maybe I'm too polite just like good Moses
But just like good manners we've had enough of them

Yeah yeah oh yeah yeah oh yeah
And now we’re moving a little bit slow
Yeah oh yeah yeah oh yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Another round for my friends I'll get paid back later
When evening turns midnight I'll be just getting warm
I know you're hot and you're bothered now your skin’s going crazy
It’s one hundred degrees and you've got a sweater on
So I'd like to come off the side of the kitchen
So when this party’s ending I'll be taking your number home

Yeah yeah oh yeah yeah oh yeah
And now we’re moving a little bit slow
Yeah oh yeah yeah oh yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah oh yeah yeah oh yeah
Yeah yeah oh yeah yeah oh yeah
Now were moving a little bit slow

I like books better than
Movies and present tense
And I can keep up with them
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Stop playing guitar
Stop playing guitar

Oh see that's a novel idea - proclaim a menial duty/task/talent you've given up on and turn it into a song. I mean who would have thought anyone would bother about something like that. In that spirit and inspiration, I have recorded myself an album. It's called Stop ... Shh, it's a 'concept' album. Here's the tracklisting.

1. Stop Starting a Song and Not Finish It
2. Stop Ironing Clothes
3. Stop Washing Clothes
4. Stop Wearing Clothes
5. Stop Eating Little Children
6. Stop Cracking Mirrors With My Awesome Good Looks
7. Stop Thinking About Christina when Rachel is Around
8. Stop Shagging Not-So-Hot Girls Pt 1
9. Stop Shagging Not-So-Hot Girls Pt 2
10. Stop Writing and Recording Albums Within 8.5 hours

The Promise Ring - Stop Playing Guitar (from Wood/Water)

The All-American Rejects Live in Malaysia: Yes, again

Finding out that The All-American Rejects is coming to town again so soon after their appearance at the MTV World Stage show over the weekend is like that time when I handed up the same assignment three times to the same lecturer.

She accepted it the first time of course, and gave me a seriously irritated look when I tried to hand it up again. By the third time, she put me on her lap and spanked me, which had me considering handing it up a fourth time until I found out she was a man.

Not saying anything but Tyson, got to seriously watch out for them tranny teachers if you keep doing this man.

The All-American Rejects - Your Star (from The All-American Rejects)

Sepultura SEA Tour 2009: December you worms!

Many people would've been waiting a long time for this. I remember I was waiting for this once though, I waited and waited until I turned soft and started listening to Bon Jovi. Life has not been the same since. Look at my headband. It's a better life.

Anyways, as legendary as the wait has been and as heavy as the band's music has grown over the years, I can't help but wonder one thing. Isn't the guy on the extreme left in the picture above looks extremely gay? I mean from here, it looks like he just wandered in from a gay photo shoot. Dude, you need some hair, cause hair is like metal you know?

Tour dates:

Date: 4th December 2009 (Friday)
Venue: Tennis Indoor Senayan, Jakarta, Indonesia

Date: 5th December 2009 (Saturday)
Venue: TBA, Malaysia

Date: 6th December 2009 (Sunday)
Venue: TBA, Singapore

Date: 8th December 2009 (Tuesday)
Venue: TBA, Thailand

Sepultura - Kaiowas (from Chaos A.D.)

This Week's Track 9: Counting Crows - Speedway

We've always talked about why track 9s have a raw deal because they are usually sucky so as such they are placed somewhere that's the equivalent to Uma, Arizona and (not) my butthole on an album track list.

But this one's different. This one's actually quite good.

Why? Because this one's fast. Why fast is good? Because being fast is better than being slow. Yup, it's that simple. Life is simple. And yes, it's also 'fast' because it has the word 'speed' in its title. And someone long ago once told me, everything's in the name. Which is why I have just renamed myself Shagedelically Beautiful Man of the Photon Cannon. In case you're wondering, my last name is now 'Cannon'.

Counting Crows - Speedway (from This Desert Life)

Emowa ... errr ... Soundwave Festival 2010

I used to be an emo kid.

What that entails is that I would sit around and cry when someone snatched my ice cream in school and routinely wet my bed when I have dreams. What most people don't know is that I wet my bed because they were dreams of Rachel (yeah I was in love with her then too, before she became famous and before I've seen her, because I am well ... a prophet). Wet dreams ha ha, get it? Wet ... never mind.

Here's the emo-tastic (old and new) lineup of the fest:

Faith No More, Jane's Addiction, My Chemical Romance, AFI, Paramore, Him, Alexisonfire, Taking Back Sunday, Trivium, Sunny Day Real Estate, Eagles of Death Metal, The Get Up Kids, Reel Big Fish, Meshuggah, All Time Low, A Day To Remember, It Dies Today, Escape The Fate, Clutch, Anti Flag, Isis, Gallows, A Wilhelm Scream, Theweakerthans, Emarosa, Anvil, The Devil Wears Prada, Comeback Kid, The Almost, Dance Gavin Dance, Four Year Strong, You Me At Six, White Chapel, The Aquabats, Rolo Tomassi, Baroness, RX Bandits, Maximum The Hormone, The Creepshow

Sunny Day Real Estate - The Ocean (from The Rising Tide)
The Get Up Kids - Don't Hate Me (from Four Minute Mile)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Hope of the States - Enemies/Friends

Lately in the hospitals
The halfway homes and choking jails
There's people on the mend again
With hope to carry on again
It makes me feel that something's right
For everyone who tries to fight
No politics or dirty tricks
All standing up and shouting out

All the money in the world won't save you
We're coming home
All the prisons that you build won't hold us
Just let us go

Then I found a broken heart
The dusty wheezing-thing won't start
I'll fix it up and watch it grow
And send it to a happy home
It don't take much to raise a smile
To push yourself the extra mile
I'll stand with you when things go wrong
And lie and say it's not too long

All the money in the world won't save you
We're coming home
All the prisons that you build won't hold us
Just let us go

Come on people
Keep your friends close
Your enemies won't matter in the end
Come on people
Keep your friends close
Your enemies won't matter in the end
In the end
In the end

I've taken this song's advice. No, not to push myself the extra mile. God, no. I barely need to push myself 0.000001 of a mile. Cause I have people pushing me, for me. Get it? Get it? Ha Ha. Hmm ... why is no one laughing?

Anyway, yes, I've taken the advice, to keep my friends close. In fact, in the last month, I've gone on to befriend Rachel, who above being a drop-dead gorgeous bombshell, also played an 80s cartoon character recently in a movie adpatation. If you do not know, that's as close to orgasm as you'll get without having sex. Ah yes, Rachel, in fact we've become bosom buddies. So I've kept her close, real close. Which is why I fail to understand why she called the cops on me. Honey, it's okay, I forgive you. We've got to keep close, so that our enemies won't matter. Namely the enemy that is Sienna's corset.

Hope of the States - Enemies/Friends (from The Lost Riots)

In the papers today...

A four-day workweek experiment in Utah is starting to pay off for everyone involved. According to an analysis, Utah government employees recently shifted to a four-day workweek, and as a result, the city has saved $1.8 million in electrical bills, while the air has been spared of some 6,000 metric tons of carbon dioxide. This strongly suggests that four-day workweeks should become a norm, and there are now proposals being developed for three-day workweeks, and perhaps even two. That proposal is being heading by the Families Association To Better Unite Mothers, Bosses And Managers (also known as FATBUMBAM).
This story reminds me of: Jason Lytle - It's The Weekend (from Yours Truly, The Commuter)

The Archbishop of Westminster has said that Facebook can lead to suicide. Archbishop Vincent Nichols, the head of the Catholic Church in England and Wales, was commenting after reports that a 15-year-old girl poisoned herself after being bullied on Bebo. The Archbishop said that social networking sites cause young people to treat friendships as "commodities", because they cause teenagers to pay more attention to the number of friends, rather than the quality of friendships. I totally feel him man. Young people these days need to learn to value frie... hoh dang, I just passed 321,789 Twitter followers! Somebody worship me now.
This story reminds me of: Zee Avi - First of The Gang To Die (from Zee Avi)

A new study has revealed that avid sports fans are more unhealthy than those who don't follow any particular team. For example, the study by University of Arkansas found that 26 percent of sports fans eat vegetables only one to three times a month, compared to 19.2 percent of non-sports fans. Which is completely ridiculous, since potato chips are like totally vegetables. Like duh, they think potatoes come from sheep? Sheesh. The study sucks. I'm so going to tell them, as soon as this Greek league friendly is over and I manage to shift my 500 pound thighs off this couch.
This story reminds me of: Grey Anne - Superlazy (from Facts 'N Figurines)

Look what I found in the bargain bin

The Charlatans

The Charlatans

(Beggars Banquet Records)

Price: S$6.00

There's one thing I don't like about the traveling circus and that's the lions. What sissy people go to a circus to look at lions? No, they spoil the circus. Other than them, the circus would be great. Them and the bears. Yeah. Dancing bears are totally not hot. Yeah. And don't get me started about the trapeze artistes. What kind of nonsense is that to show at a circus. Utter bollocks if you ask me. Waste my time. And that guy, that guy, what's his name? Oh yes, the sword swallower. Yeah, don't like that too. Yeah, he spoils the circus. And clowns. Oh my, yes. If there's one thing that doesn't belong at a circus, it's a clown. They should get rid of them. And jugglers. Damn I hate jugglers. If you could rid the circus of jugglers and all the other rubbish acts mentioned here, the circus would finally look like the circuses that I went to as a kid.

Sigh, how fondly I remember them. Typewriter banging away in the background. Secretaries shuffling about. Phonecalls and meetings. Did I mention, my dad used to take me to the circus every Monday when I was a kid. Damn, they sure don't do them the same way these days. Useless jerks.

The Charlatans - Here Comes A Soul Saver (from The Charlatans)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: The Honorary Title - Apologize

Yesterday's dinner's haunting me today
Blades in my stomach spinning
I awake with a fear of intake
Heightened by the stress of your love
I won't return your calls until it lets up
Oh, just one more season, you will be good

Tonight, oh
Don't even, don't even try, oh

When I'm concentratin'
on makin' statements
That will fool you into thinkin' we're fine
Yeah, They'll fool you, fool you, fool you, into thinkin' we're fine
Until you start to feel something outside
Beyond what you alone can visualise

Not worth the misery
Our sorted history
Years of revelry
We'd converse endlessly
Those pouted lips that say you'd cry
Won't you start to feel something outside

Tonight, oh
Don't even, don't even try

The libido was mistaken
For an earnest, heartfelt evening
For a moon-induced hallucination
Couldn't help but notice
Your eyes are losing focus
Such magnetism, now you're repulsed
But if you're not begging for it
Then it's not yours
Once dependent, now no signs of withdrawal

Not worth the misery
Our sorted history
Years of revelry
We'd converse endlessly
Those pouted lips that say you'd cry
Won't you start to feel something outside

Tonight, oh
Don't even, don't even, don't

Please talk softly now
No need to scream
The raise in decibels seems obsence
Please talk softly now
No need to scream
The raise in decibels seems obsence

Tonight, well, tonight
If your sold on everything you've been told
I apologize

I pride myself at being someone that cares little for apologizing. Like that time when I was eight and blew my neighbor's sandbox up with a bazooka. Or that time when I was 15 when I slapped the front-teeth off some jock that tried to feel up my girl. Heck, I did not even apologize when I dumped Megan recently for Christina recently. And sure, I ended up with a shovel lodged in my head, my gonads severed and stir-fried and I have to make do with just one leg, half a hand and seven fingers for the rest of my life but heck it was worth it. Yes Christina keep dancing like that. Nope, daddy's not going to say sorry for you now. What did you say? You think I am pathetic. You're such a kitten.

The Honorary Title - Apologize (from Scream and Light Up the Sky)

Bloc Party and Underworld for Singapore in Sep?

So like we caught a whisper that some popular British rock band and some dance music cookies are supposed to hit Lion City for a show this coming Sep 24. We don't even know for what show or when exactly but my money's on Godzilla's baby shower. Does it bother us that we are spreading news that appears to have no basis whatsoever? Not at all. I got tired of telling the solid truth a long time ago. Like how I told people I could fly, and no one believed me. So I tried to demonstrate by jumping off a cliff, and sure, I landed on my head and cracked my skull open but it was the bloody wind. Bad wind.

Bloc Party - Compliments (live) (from Peel Sessions)

The Sick Sick Six: Top 6 G.I. Joe Characters That Are Not Appearing in the Movie

So the other 80s cartoon adaptation of the summer is here and apparently, it's not as bad as the first one. I suppose when you get down to it, this is quite a feat considering the other one had my wife while this one has just Sienna Miller. Ooo in a latex catsuit, and shades and guns. And there are ninjas as well. Shit, this could be the movie of the century. All they need now is a giant lizard. Either that or me. Ha ha ha (actually it's not that funny cause it is true).

Tollbooth

Tollbooth has the honor for being the Joe with the most dumbass handle ever. It's second only to Dial-Tone but it's just about as dumbass. He's an engineer apparently, rumored to be named after one of his favorite creations. If that were the case for me then my handle would be Megan Fox Jr. Word!
Death Cab for Cutie - Photobooth (from Forbidden Love EP)


Sgt. Slaughter

Slaughter makes the cut purely by the merits of his name. I mean sure, he has a jaw-droppingly awesome name but what till my son comes along. I plan to name him Decimate. And if that is taken, then Armageddon.
The Postmarks - Slaughter on Tenth Avenue (from By the Numbers)


Outback

Outback's a badass son of a ... Just look at him. He looks like a lovechild between latter day Lennon and Kevin Drew. Yup to get a beard that kick-butt you would probably need the genes of two men, which automatically makes Outback a bit of a ninny. Shit.
Kevin Drew - Backed Out On The ... (from Spirit If ...)




Dr. Mindbender

Just look at him, he's like Gandhi on Ecstacy. The man looks like a complete pimp. Plus he has the balls to walk around topless and with a cape to boot. Now all he needs is to declare that he wants to save the world and I can be a religious man cause if you want to worship anyone, it should be someone who looks like a pimp.
My Teenage Stride - Terror Bends (from Ears Like Golden Bats)



Firefly

Firefly may have one hell-of-a piss ninny name but he is in actual fact quite a bad mutha. No one's seen his face and he goes around shooting people while mouthing corny one-liners. But man, what a name. It's like naming my gun man Strawberry. Or my driver Peaches. Or myself Tomato. Wait, Megan calls me that. I'm not fat honey ...
The Analog Girl - Superfly (from Sometime Next Galaxy)


Lady Jaye

What would G.I. Joe be like without the delectable Cajun princess that is Lady Jaye? Well for one thing, there would be about 100% less cleavage in the series. And in case you still need clarification on that point, that means no series. Cause cleavage rule the world, some with a firmer grip than others.
A Mantle the Sea - Malady (from A Mantle the Sea)

Girl Talk in Hanoi: 15th August, 2009

Word's out that this one man mixing and remixing machine will be in Hanoi in August for some dance floor mayhem.

See that's the thing I can understand about good ol Greg. Why would he give himself a handle like that? As in one that appears so contrasting. I mean, it's not like he's a girl and from the looks of him, it doesn't look like he talks much as well, which is just about as good as me giving myself the handle 'Not Awesome' or 'Lousiest Snooker Player in Malaysia' or 'Slowest Runner This Side of the Atlantic'.

Details:

Date: 15th August 2009 (Saturday)
Venue: Gio Song Hong, Hanoi, Vietnam
Tickets: TBA (on sale at the door only)

Grizzly Bear - Knife (Girl Talk remix) (originally from Yellow House)

This Week's Track 9: Arrows of Eros

There's nothing wrong with looking like a pimp if you're Golden Silvers. Either that or if you're really a pimp. Like me.

Yep. I'm not just a piratus awesomus monumentalus, I'm also a pimp. And today, I'm gonna introduce you to my most popular tart-of-art. Her name is Pantsietta and she's from Austria. Come on Pansietta. Say hello to Mr Reader. Mr Reader wants you for the whole afternoon because he got sacked at lunchtime and he's feeling sad and he's also too embarrased to go home early and explain everything to his wife. No, it's ok, don't be shy. Actually he's more shy than you. No, don't say that about Mr Reader. I'm sure his moustache is clean. Isn't it Mr Reader? No? Oh, yeah. I see it too. Hmmm... it's okay Pansietta. Remember Mr Baseball Bat? Remember when he got friendly with you? Yeah? Maybe I'll let you choose, baby. Sorry, what? Mr Reader? Are you sure? Atta girl.

Golden Silvers - Arrows of Eros (from True Romance)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Magnet - Everything's Perfect

She's fragile and slender
And fading fast
So in a voice so tender she asks
If I could lend her a helping hand
A hand that would end her strive
Love is only for poets
And dreams are for fools
And on all beauty you'll find
Time's always cruel

If you see what I see
Then say after me
I'll fight my fright
I'll do as you ask tonight

Ever since my heart chose to choose her
I've known I would lose her
But I will excuse her
I could never refuse her anything
'Cause I'm not a poet, no
I'm just a fool
But the beauty she speaks of
Keeps her as the exception to the rule

But I see what I see
So I know what it'll be
I'll fight my fright
And I'll do as she's asked me to do tonight

And all will be forgiven
It's from love that I've been driven
And time will skip a moment
When it's perfect
And I'll kiss her lips
As she slips away

You said you'd die for me
You said you'd die for me
So why can't you live for me
Why won't you live for me

Ah not to be boasting or anything (but I am), this song's about me. Yep it is. Cause as much as I try to live my life ordinarily, I find myself failing. After all, I am perfect. Yes sir (and you the hot madam at the back) I am.

Just an example of how I am, I once took this Math test in primary school and when I got the results back, the teacher drew a perfect circle for me as my mark. It was such a nice circle and it was in red as well. I think she had the hots for me, you know, like red = hot. Shit, missed it. Damn.

Magnet - Everything's Perfect (from On Your Side)

In the papers today...

Six Premier League players have subjected themselves to HIV testing after they discovered that the groupie they all slept with discovered that she had HIV. The groupie's boyfriend fraternised with footballers but once she and the boyfriend broke up, she proceeded to sleep around with six football players, some more than once. Speculation abounds as to who the six players might be. Thankfully, the first player to make a statement was Nicklas Bendtner, who said it can't be him, because he's not actually a football player.
This story reminds me of: The Distillers - Death Sex (from Coral Fang)

The latest edition of Apple's iTunes has disabled the ability to synch the popular music player with the Palm Pre. Perviously, a Palm Pre owner could connect the much-buzzed smart phone with the computer, and it would automatically launch iTunes and allow users to drag and drop songs into the phone as per iPods and iPhones. This is no longer possible, and suggests that Apple are truly taking the competition posed by the Palm Pre seriously. It is also another natural step in Apple's ad campaign, known to industry insiders as "Dear yuppies of the world, everything we do is glorious, so worship us, you Palm-preening twats!"
This story reminds me of: The Fire Fight - Beware! Monster (from Henri)

A new study suggests that swearing actually helps to make pain more tolerable. The study, released by Keele University in England, was a result of volunteers submerging their hands in a tub of ice water for as long as possible while repeating the swear word of their choice, and then doing the same thing while repeating a more common, non-swear word. The results showed that volunteers who swore were able to keep their hands submerged longer. What the study didn't reveal, however, is that the people who weren't swearing were actually repeating "Megan Fox", and they soon realised they had better things to do with their hands.
This story reminds me of: The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart - This Love Is F***ing Right (from The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart)

Lloyd Cole: Live in Singapore - 16 Nov 2009

Nothing like kicking back, a beer in hand and watching an old fart do his thing. What's his thing? Well it can be anything you know? Stroking his beard. Watch him watch TV reruns. Hear him fart when he tries to lift something heavy. Yeah, good stuff.

Like this one time, I paid big bucks to watch some old dude eat prawn noodles. Gosh, it was such an epic show. It was four hours long. Really got my money's worth cause seriously, I've never seen anyone eat prawn noodles with as much grace, timing and general slowness since. Lovely stuff, highly recommended. Next week, I've booked myself a show watching some old dude running a 40km marathon. Apparently, it's a killer. We'll see, we'll see.

Lloyd Cole - Coattails (from Cleaning Out the Ashtrays)

M83 for Malaysia? God Help Us

So our ultra secretive, Loh Mee-loving paparazzi has given us yet another scoop on potential wars heading our way. Apparently this time, it's by a group called the M83 or something. That the same guys who brought us Explosions in the Sky (yet another militant group if that is not already obvious) might be looking to wage another war using this M83.

As it is we're already being besieged by smoky air (mild chemical warfare I heard) and now we're going to be invaded by some group named after a machine gun.

A galaxy thingy you say? So it's not a machine gun? This is worst than I thought. They could be alien then. Aliens from M83! Shit, it all makes sense now. No wonder my belly's been quivering and my butt farting non stop. Oh wait, that could be because I had Mexican beans for lunch.

Ah in any case, time to hide myself in that extremely large and pink bomb shelter with my six Megan Fox's in any case.

M83 - Coloring the Void (from Digital Shades Vol 1)