Java Rockin'Land (Aug 7, 8, and 9) First Lineup Announced: Mew, Secondhand Serenade and more

So after much huff and puff, the Java Rockin'Land festival announces its first lineup and we're are left dumbfounded by its awesomeness. I mean come on, Mr Big? You serious. I've always wanted to examine Eric Martin's boobs up close. I mean he is a woman isn't he? What? He is a man? But the hair, how the heck?

And then there is Secondhand Serenade. I mean ever since I was a boy I have always wanted to watch him. What? He is younger than me? Eh, cannot be. Then what am I doing not playing this festival the if I am older? What? Oh, my awesomeness is too large for a festival this size? Yeah yeah I know. I've seriously tried to be just normal. Failed. Ha ha (evil laughter).

Lineup (first announcement): Secondhand Serenade, Melee, Mr. Big, Mew, Renaissance Boulevard, Vertical Horizon and Motherjane (India).

Details:

Dates: 7th, 8th & 9th August 2009 (Friday, Saturday & Sunday)
Venue: Pantai Carnaval, Ancol
More info on tickets and stuff here

Secondhand Serenade - Pretend (from A Twist In My Story)
Mew - Am I Wry? No (from Frengers)

All American Rejects and Kasabian for MTV World Stage 2009

So our unusually quiet, super ultra Indo mee-powered informer has just woken up and informed us that:

a) He's been munching on far too many fish sticks,
b) He's been spending a lot of time hanging on to Oprah's ass, literally,
c) He broke his fingers playing 'squash the thumb' with his grandma, and
d) The All American Rejects and Kasabian are slated for appearances at this year's MTV World Stage 2009 (it used to be called MTV Asia Awards).

And for other news, I have just declared myself awesome for the 39th time today, 5 minutes ago. Oh wait, it's 40 now.

The All American Rejects - Your Star (from The All American Rejects)
Kasabian - Seek and Destroy (from Empire)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Stars - Elevator Love Letter

[Girl] I'm so hard for a rich girl
My heels are high, my eyes cast low
And I don't know how to love
I get too tired after mid-day, lately
I take it out on my good friends
But the worst stays in
Oh where would I begin?

[Girl] My office glows all night long,
It's a nuclear show and the stars are gone
Elevator, elevator, take me home

[Guy] I'm so hard for the rich girl
Her heels are high and my hope's so low
Cause I don't know how to love
I'll take her home after midnight
And if she likes, I'll tell her lies
Of how we'll fall in love by the morning
I don't think she'll know that I'm saying goodbye

[Girl] My office glows all night long
It's a nuclear show and the stars are gone
Elevator, elevator, take me home

[Girl] My office glows all night long
it's a nuclear show and the stars are gone
Elevator, elevator, take me home

[Girl] Don't go. Say you'll stay
Spend a lazy Sunday in my arms
I won't take anything away

[Girl] Don't go. Say you'll stay
Spend a lazy Sunday in my arms
Don't take anything away

Such a lovely song. I had a lot of fun listening to it. Except after examining the lyrics I am perplexed about something though. Why is the guy saying 'I'm so hard for the rich girl'? What does that essentially mean? Someone please explain it to me ... !!!

(Old lady walks up to me and whispers in my ears)

Ooo ... is it? I am such an innocent boy then cause ...

(Old lady whispers in my ears again)

You want to what again? Oh ... shit.

Stars - Elevator Love Letter (from Heart)

Word for the Week: Fail

Our sections are dropping like flies and it's purely because of one reason - the other two (shhh ...) are just not as awesome as me. I mean, my dad always said that if you need something done in this world, you should do it yourself and shoot the fella that's supposed to do it in the first place in the head for not doing it. But Pantsy's a friend. So instead I have decided to throw him into a pit filled with homo rhinos. Not heard from him since. Anyways, before I chucked him in, I had this conversation with him:

Geek: Dude

Pantsy: Yeah?

Geek: You're a lazy ass.

Pantsy: Yeah, I know.

Geek: You know why right? Cause you left that Word of the Week section all blank for nearly half a year now.

Pantsy: I am well aware.

Geek: Oh, in that case, you're a lazy ass ninny that wears panties too, just like Genusfrog.

Pantsy: You're right (Rhino's roaring in the background).

Geek: Oh, then you're a ninny that wears panties and eats sparrow butts for breakfast.

Pantsy: Damn straight (More rhinos roaring).

Geek: It's been nice knowing you dude.

Pantsy: Yeah it has been.

Geek: Bye.

Pantsy: Bye

*Push

(Roar)

Evergrey - Fail (from Torn Year)

Yeah man, at the end of the day it boils down to one simple thing, fail. That and the panties, which by the way, look real good on you.

Fields - If You Fail, We All Fail (from Everything Last Winter)

Yeah man, rhinos aside, because you failed, we all failed. Like I had this chick slap me the other day cause she said my blog's not cool anymore cause we don't update on time. Cock block man, cock block.

The Clash - Rudie Can't Fail (from London Calling)

If Rudie is like Pantsy then Rudie will fail, and fail, and fail again, until he is chucked into a pit filled with horny homo rhinos.

Cat Power - It's Alright to Fail (from The Hottest State)

Of course it is alright to fail. No problem. No questions asked. No hard feelings. Just a smelly pit of horny homo rhinos and a pair of pink panties. Seriously, no hard feelings.

Arch Enemy Live in Manila: October 20

Listening and looking at pictures of Swedish metal band Arch Enemy has made me somewhat confused. On one hand, the singer looks like your residential buxom blonde bombshell.

You know, the type that really should be serving you your french fires and dropping 'y'alls'? On the other hand she sounds like an amalgamation between Sauron and Gargamel.

I don't know if I should be turned on or run to the nearest hills and hide with homo Hobbits.

Arch Enemy - Blood On Our Hands (from Rise of the Tyrant)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Weezer - Susanne

Susanne, you're all that I wanted
of a girl
You're all that I need in the world
I'm your child
Make me blush, drive me wild
Susanne, you're all that I wanted

When I met you I was all alone
Cold and hungry cryin' on the phone
You baked me brownies and said "don't you cry"
And gave me the coat off your back

Susanne, you're all that I wanted of a girl
You're all that I need in the world
I'm your child
Make me blush, drive me wild
Susanne, you're all that I wanted

Even Izzy, Slash and Axl Rose
When I call you put them all on hold
And say to me that you'd do anything
and all I can do is say that
I haven't much I can give you in return
Only my heart and a promise not to turn
But I'll sing to you every day and every night
Susanne, I'm your man

Susanne, you're all that I wanted of a girl
You're all that I need in the world
I'm your child
Make me blush, drive me wild
Susanne, you're all that I wanted
Of a girl
Yeah!

Okay first thing I got to address when reading the lyrics to this song is - what's the big deal with putting 3/6 of Guns 'N' Roses on hold? That's like saying 'Hey, I'm going to put Oprah on hold while I talk to you.' Or Obama. Or worst, Cristano Ronaldo. Err ... ?

Instead of 'Izzy, Slash a nd Axl Rose', I have therefore decided to change it to 'Optimus Prime, Godzilla and Gundam'. Now that's a romantic hold-list. For starters, it's not often that Godzilla picks up the phone to call anyone. Why? Cause:

a) Its hands are too large,
b) You won't be able to comprehend the loudness of its roar
c) You will die from the awesome radiotion it emits eventhough you're on the other side of the phone

So I don't know about you, but if someome put that thing on hold, I'm so marrying them.

Weezer - Susanne (from OST Mallrats)

Music Terminals Festival 2009: Citizens of Ice Cream and Nao to share stage with Placebo, Tricky and Radio Dept

Ah it's nice to see how some things grow. Like how one moment two obscure Malaysian bands are playing dingy drink holes in Cheras and next thing you know they're sharing the stage with the likes of Placebo, Tricky, Radio Dept, Frente!, Chicks On Speed and more in some Taipei music festival.

Like how I once bought a pet turtle, fed it some pork ribs, gave it some tender loving care and attention and I looked at my backyard the other day and it's become like this:

Shit. What am I going to tell my dad now?

More info here (on the fest, not the turtle)

Placebo - This Picture (from Sleeping With Ghosts)
Citizens of Ice Cream - Last Emperor (from The End EP)

Rarity on the Rarity: Popscene

Blur

Popscene

EMI/Food

Rare factor: Non-album low charting single that went out of print and almost wrecked the band but eventually became a cult classic.

Ow my head. It's not fun to wake up and discover that ninjas came into your room last night and chopped up every part of you except for your right arm. So now, while the paramedics and my neighbourhood seamstress conspire to stitch me back together, I exist purely as the right arm of Pirate Genusfrog. Which is still more fabulous than you.

Oh you never been just one part of your body before? What a life you must've lived. You really should get out more. Like this one time, I was out hunting lions with The Geek. And the lions ate him up till all he was left with was his arse. And so there we were, one full awesome man and an arse, going around with guns, shooting at lions. Man that was fun. If only I had become a right arm that afternoon. It would have looked poetic.

Blur - Popscene

B-Side of the Week: Orange Crush (REM)

Editors

Orange Crush (from the Blood single)

(Epic)

Geek: Dude ...

Genusfrog: Yeah?

Geek: First the Track 9, now this? You're a real lazy ass.

Genusfrog: Yeah, I know.

Geek: Have I told you before you're a ninny that wears panties too.

Genusfrog: Yeah you have.

Geek: What do you think about that?

Genusfrog: Damn straight I am.

Editors - Orange Crush (REM)

This Week's Track 9: Bon Voyage - Together

Bon Voyage is holiday/side project/quickie band started by Starflyer 59 beard god frontman Jason Martin with his wife.

And yes I know you may be wondering, but the pic here is only of his wife, where is Jason. Well that's cause we here at Pirates, above priding ourselves humbly with being the three smartest humans in the universe, also are impeccable gentlemen. How so? We always believe in 'ladies first'.

In fact, we're such incredible gentlemen that we've since moved on to the concept 'ladies only'. As such I am currently rather confused about my sexuality. Pass me that hot pink belt.

Bon Voyage - Together (from Lies)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Suede - 2 of Us

Lying in my bed, I think of you
That song goes through my head, the one we both knew
In each line lies another line full of sacred sound
But you're outside where the companies dream and the money goes round

Lying in my bed.
Watching my mistakes,
I listen to the band they said that it could be the 2 of us

The snow might fall and write the lines on the silent page
But you're outside making permanent love to the nuclear age
Two silhouettes by the cash machine make a lovers dance
It's a tango for the lonely wives of the business class

Lying in my bed
Watching my mistakes
I listen to the band
Lying in my bed
With nothing much to say so I listen to the man
He said that it could be the 2 of us

I heard you call from across the city through the stereo sound
And so I crawled there sickeningly pretty as the money went round

Lying in my head watching my mistakes
I listen to the band
And the drums beat in my head
Pianos chime the sound in this prison of the house
And as the illness comes again can you hear me through the rain
As I listen to the band?
As I sing the silent song
Mime each lonely word
Please listen to the man he said that it could be the 2 of us

Alone but not lonely, you and me
Alone but loaded ...

You hear some songs and they naturally perplex you. Like this song. There are many perplexing things about it. Like how do you actually make permanent love to the nuclear age? And most business class wives I know don't exactly tango.

But the most perplexing thing about the song is why Brett Anderson decided that just the '2 of them' would be enough. I mean, isn't that too little? As such I have written the chorus to reflect my personal beliefs and this is how it goes.

Lying in my bed
Watching my mistakes
I listen to the band
Lying in my bed
With nothing much to say so I listen to the man
He said that it could be the one gazillion four billion two hundred and fourty six thousand eight hundred and three of us

Suede - 2 of Us (from Dog Man Star)

Aimee Mann Live in Singapore: Aug 29, Esplanade

Only because we pride ourselves with being ultra/beta/gamma quick in getting stories out, we just got tipped by a helpful poster that vagina rock queen/songbird Aimee Mann will be in Singapore for a concert on 29 Aug.

Just how quick are we? Well lets see, we already know who the next president of the US is going to be after Obama. Yep, we do, and yes we know it's four years away but we do know. Who is it? Let me check ...

(37 seconds later) ... It's still Megan at the moment, until another bombshell worship-able hot chick appears. Hey, I'll have you know it's a big improvement from our last candidate, which was Genusfrog's chest drawer. He apparently has big plans for that thing.

This incidentally coincides with Baybeats (which is happening from 28 - 30 Aug), so if you need more of a reason to head on down to the land of bad food, this would be it.

Aimee Mann - This Is How It Goes (from Lost in Space)

The Unhappy Sufjan Stevens Fans Campaign: #4 Alana

Alana

Ludlow, Vermont

Hi, I'm Alanna from Vermont. Now I know what you're thinking - you're looking at me, going "what the hell happened to her?". So I'll just come right out and say it: yeah, I've got six ears. Big deal. Apparently when my parents were trying for me, mum really wanted a girl and dad really wanted a guitar. So now that they've got me, and I look like this, I really just wanna make them both happy. So I've strung together some of these strings and I think I'm starting to understand what it really takes to be a great guitar, ya know. Like a Fender or something. So anyways, my dream has always been for Sufjan Stevens to record an album for my home state, Vermont, and as an added bonus, for him to do all his guitar parts on me. Like, yeah, you know. Seriously, you just have to turn me round. I got great tone. Just make sure, er, Sufjan, that you let me know about 15 minutes in advance, cos I don't always go around strung and I'll need some time, you know, to tune up and stuff. Yeah. Anytime, buddy. Seriously. 

Sufjan Stevens - The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts

Look what I found in the bargain bin but did not buy

R.E.M.
Automatic for the People
(Warner)

Price: S$6.75

Owning an R.E.M. album is like buying that 39th Ferrari after you already have 38 of them. It's impeccable of course, but little different from the previous ones and the ones after it.

Reminds me that time when I invented human cloning (yes I know it's not perfect yet but I'm getting there) and I decided the first thing I should try is to clone myself 9 Taylor Coles, then I thought, why not make it 10? So I did. And we all lived happily ever after.

True love story.

R.E.M. - Nightswimming (from Automatic for the People)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Zee Avi - Kantoi

Semalam I call you, you tak answer
You kata you keluar pergi dinner
You kata you keluar dengan kawan you
But when I called Tommy he said it wasn't true

So I drove my car pergi Damansara
Tommy kata maybe you tengok bola
Tapi bila I sampai you, you tak ada
Lagilah I jadi gila

So I called and called sampai you answer
You kata "Sorry sayang tadi tak dengar
My phone was on silent, I was at the gym"
Tapi lata belakang suara perempuan lain

Sudahlah sayang, I don't believe you
I've always known your words were never true
Why am I with you, I pun tak tahu
No wonderlah my friends pun tak suka you

So I guess that's the end of our story
Akhir kata she accepted his apology
Tapi last last kita dapat tahu she was cheating too
With her ex boyfriend's best friend
Tommy

Kantoi

There are fewer things more charming in the world of songwriting than a person who is able to sing one song in multiple languages. And Zee Avi does that here, combining Malay and English into an invented yet commonly understood language called Manglish. Charming, right.

What? Oh of course, I've got my own too! I've got the "charming" market cornered, didn't you know? So yeah anyways, I wrote a song as well in my favourite invented language too. It's called Krrranglish. It's a mixture of Guitarkrrrang and English. Allow me to present the first verse:

Chugga waaaaaaaaaeeeee shreng shreng pee
The weasel is a waaaeeeeee monkey
Tiaw tiaw tiaw my ciao ciao ciao
So don't be a chugga chugga

Yeah I know, some Italian chucked in too. Crap, I'm even more awesome than I thought. Way more awesome. EPs available for pre-order now. Holla.

Zee Avi - Kantoi (from Zee Avi)

Baybeats 2009 lineup announced

So as we scooped earlier, Anberlin and 1/4 of Fountains of Wayne aka Chris Collingwood are showing up for this year's Baybeats. Which makes us about as excited as the thought of letting a monkey shave our pubes with a cleaver.

And so anyways, the official lineup is out, and it turns out our scoop was right. But then just as our pants were making its way down to our shins, we thought oh why not, lets have a second look. And hey, believe it or not, there are some semi-bright spots. There's The Philippines' Taken By Cars, Malaysia's Love Me Butch, Thailand's Tabasco and Hong Kong's Velvette Vendetta, plus a few "OMG they're not emo" Singapore reps courtesy of Great Spy Experiment and The Marilyns. So upon careful analysis, we've decided to call off the chimps, put away the cleaver, and...

Oh, damn it. There's Estranged. And West Grand Boulevard. Hey Bubbles, can you fetch some towels on the way here? Thanks, ape face.

To see the full lineup, visit www.baybeats.com.sg.

Velvette Vendetta - Night Before The Snow Storm (from The Underground #1 Something Alternative)
Taken By Cars - A Weeknight Memoir (In High Definition) (from Endings Of a New Kind)

This Week's Track 9: Eisley - Just Like We Do

What's up with these bands made up of family members? They talk like Eisley's something new. I can assure you they are not. There were Hanson and The Jackson 5.

And of course before even all this, I started a band with my grandpa Foo Keng. Bless his soul. He liked to look up girls' skirts and whistle at them as they walked by. Actually, I don't remember him ever playing any instrument, except his own. What the hell kind of band did we have I wonder? Hey wait a minute, was it a band or was it just us hanging out at a strip club? Yes, yes it was a band. We were called the Coo Coo Ciaos.

It's French.

Eisley - Just Like We Do (from Room Noises)

My Vitriol in these parts?

So apparently some ambitious gig organizer is planning to bring since-forgotten nouveaux shoegaze rock band My Vitriol to these parts for a tour. This news should send no shivers down anyone's spine and if it does, it probably means you're over 35, married to a Helga and loves watching TV while rubbing your tummy and talking to that bag of chips.

Oh and by 'these parts' I don't mean my magnificent manhood, although rumor has it that U2 has toured there once in 1984.

My Vitriol - Pieces (from Finelines)

Placebo Live in Malaysia?

So apparently British he/she band Placebo are set to wash into our shores sometime later this year. Judging from their tour schedule, August looks likely.

And in preparation for that I have bought myself a skirt. What for? Look at the 'dude' up there and tell me, what's so 'dude' about him? I could shag him accidentally if the lights were not on. And besides, I like wearing skirts. Especially those pleaded floral ones. So pretty. Okay shhh ... need to get some ironing action going.

Placebo - Peeping Tom (from Black Market Music)

Mae are on the wae to Bandung, 26 Julae

There once was a band named Mae
Rock 'n roll, they only wanted to plae
So they bought some guitars
And ate some cheetahs
And that's why in school, you must stae

Visit www.myspace.com/mae for ticketing info and other updates.

Mae - Just Let Go (from Singularity)

Phoenix is coming ... run! French band Phoenix set to take Jakarta on a flight on August 1

I don't know about you guys, but if I were you, I would stay away from Jakarta on 1 August, especially the Hockey Rink. Apparently the Phoenix is scheduled to appear there. Don't know what Phoenix is? No, it's not the well-likable French indie pop band. What the hell. Here's a shot of Phoenix.

The thing eats planets apparently. And I know, it looks like a hot chick and all but I can assure you that even I dare not snog her. And I've snogged many, many things during my time. Including my kitchen cabinet. It was just begging me for it.

Phoenix - One Time Too Many (from It's Never Been Like That)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Soul Asylum - Promises Broken

Streets are filled with broken glass
You get buried by the past
Give me just a little taste
Lay this mess to waste
Take me home

My mind is racing take me home
My body's achin' so alone
I'll make you want to stay with me
Befriended by the enemy
One more time

And every little thing about this tells me
Nothing out there is ever gonna help me
All these words that I hear spoken just promises broken now

Looking outside from my window sill
Throw another coin in the wishing well
You'll never find what you're looking for
Fifteen miles
Your dim light shines from so far away
Your sad smile
Is all I see when I say

That every little thing about this tells me
Nothing out there is ever gonna help me
All these words that I hear spoken just promises broken now

From the hotel satellite
Don't look like you're living right
Here's a deal you can't refuse
You ain't got as much to lose

Can you tell your troubles to
Someone who won't laugh at you
Its all right
And as I watch you walk away
Hope a part of you would stay
Its all right

And every little thing about this tells me
Nothing out there is ever gonna help me
All these words that I hear spoken just promises broken now

Ah here's a number for my lumbering championship-winning heart. I always make promises I cannot keep. It's not something I am proud of, but I do have a habit of doing it.

Like that time when I promised some chick that I would go out on a date with her. Eh, I did go out with her. Or that time when I promised the Fundarians that I would save their planet from the Nofundarians. Eh, Wait, I also did it in the end. Or how about that time when I promised Megan that I would stay at home and ba da boom her all day. Oh, I did it too.

Shit man, looks like I keep my promises after all.

Soul Asylum - Promises Broken (from Let Your Dim Light Shine)

In the papers today...

A new fossil discovered in Germany might prove to be the latest "missing link" in the evolution process of humans. The 47-milion-year-old fossil, called a Darwinius massilae but nicknamed "Ida", is one of the most intact fossils ever found--so intact that her last meal of fruit, seeds and leaves can still be found in her stomach. Which actually kinda disqualifies her already, since the real "missing link" woulda at least had some pork knuckles lodged somewhere in those intestines.
This story reminds me of: Mirah - Bones And Skin (from (a)spera)

A new search engine has been released, called Wolfram Alpha. However, the website doesn't tout itself as a search engine, but more of a "computational knowledge engine", whereby it tries to give you answers to your search queries, rather than a list of links that contain the answers. Some of the things it can calculate are the box office takings of movies and the projected calories burnt after any given exercise. Some of the things it still can't calculate are the population of pink porcupines in Papua New Guinea (18,349) or the overall awesomeness of Lebron James (equivalent to 76 pink porcupines). Meaning, I rock more.
This story reminds me of: Speech Debelle - Searching (from Searching 7")

Danish director Lars von Trier's new film Antichrist has stirred up massive controversy at the ongoing Cannes Film Festival. The film is about a grieving husband and wife who try to take a consoling weekend trip into the woods, but who end up causing each other more pain. It includes scenes of genital mutilation, including one where a plank whacks a penis. Apparently von Trier has tried to defend that scene, saying, "At any one time, there must only be one wood."
This story reminds me of: Bon Iver - Woods (from Blood Bank)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Rainer Maria - Rise

Sometimes, Offer more than talking.
Say, "I like you very much."
Say, what when cut grows over,
Pink and white?
Carnations,
Skinny daisies.

Devise
A way of saving your words.
Say nothing, if it's forced.

For each inch cut,
The roots grow ten
Where we can't see them.

I'm laying in the soil,
Is it time for me to rise?
I've pulled up my stakes again.
Is there someone who can take me in

If there's one topic that is shit-crap difficult to find in a song, it's gardening. But like my dad always said, you wait long enough, and one comes along.

But hey, I waited so bloody long that I actually wrote one before, but it never took off. It was called 'Manure Under My Nails'. Had a good beat to it too. But some suit told me that I may have to change some of the lyrics 'around a little'. So I did. I renamed it 'Nails in the Manure'. He threw a cup of fresh orange on me for that. Prick.

Rainer Maria - Rise (from Look Now, Look Again)

Baybeats 2009: Rumors and farts of Anberlin and one of Wayne's fountains

So it's that time of the year. When we start eating a little more pork ribs, reading a little more lad mags and start crapping more than once a day. Why? Eh, shit, I forgot why I started writing that line but I know it's for something seriously unimportant and idiotic.

Oh yes that's right, Baybeats rumors. Rumor has it that Anberlin and Chris Collingwood (1/4 of Fountains of Wayne) have been tagged for this year's edition as headliners. Is it just me or are these Baybeats headliners getting more farty every year. At this rate, we might as well have the bassist of Stiltskin to do a 'come-out-of-my-backwatered-American-town show for next year's edition as well. Or we could have just me. Oh wait, that's quite awesome so they better not.

Anberlin - Uncanny (from Cities)

Word for the Week: Ten

Because...

Pantsy is on a ten-day all-expense-paid company trip slash Locals-N-Tourist-Snogging excursion to the Dominican Republic. What will he do there for ten days? Day 1: Boring company sessions. Day 2: Snog Japanese uncle. Day 3: Boring company sessions. Day 4: Snog topless Kiwi auntie. Day 5: Snog Caribbean auntie. Day 6: Snog Caribbean grandmother. Day 7: Eat ferrets. Day 8: Feed the monkeys. Day 9: Start a coup. Day 10: Snog a Caribbean three-headed she-trout with fat lips.

Eisley - Ten Cent Blues (from The Baby Sessions)

This chirpy schoolgirl home recording reminds you that blues is for losers and yodelling is sexy. Because my El-Salvadoran sifu always said that there's nothing in this world quite like a compromised Alpine girl.

Postmarks - Slaughter On Tenth Avenue (from By The Numbers)

For all of two point five minutes, Postmarks forget who they are, pick up sombreros, drink lots of tequila, grow moustaches, ride horses, eat cactus, trade in contraband and meet Pantsy somewhere in Mexico snogging a Mexican man who looks like Eric Estrada. 

Missy Higgins - Ten Days (from The Sound of White)

Aussie piano femoballadry that would make Pantsy break into a sneer. Unbeknownst to him, there's a big mamma in Honduras spinning this record this very moment. In less than ten days, Pantsy will have snogged her.

The Stone Roses - Ten Storey Love Song (from Second Coming)

Nothing like a collossal monument of exaggerated sentiment for our laziest pirate to wake up to and realise that the dream is over and he has to return to our pirate ship, where the chicks are hot and boring. 

The Unhappy Sufjan Stevens Fans Campaign: #3 Filomena

Filomena

Fishers Indiana

Hello. My name is Filomena and I come from Fishers Indiana. I know, I know, my name rhymes with "Milo does not taste anything like Ribena". I'll have you know that was not the express wish of my mother when she named me. But that's beside the point. The point is that I want Sufjan Stevens to do an album about my home state, Indiana. We're just next to Illinois and they've already got one. Also, I also want to neck with Sufjan Stevens. Yes, if you look really closely, you might see that I've got two necks. I had it surgically done like that so that my head only turns a total of 10 degrees left and right. The lack of oscillatoric options is a small price to pay for the increased surface area for necking, not to mention having incredible possibilities in wearing both standard collared tops and plunging necklines at the same time. Oh what's that? Why am I hiding a bloody knife behind me? What bloody knife? Oh this bloody knife! Yeah. That's for the third neck. Surgical stuff. 

Sufjan Stevens - Siamese Twins (from A Sun Came Up)

Trail of Dead will be decimating Bangkok on 21 May

First we had a band named after the sound of a machine gun and now we have a band named after a bold declaration to kick butt. This completely confirms my suspicion that Asians kick more ass, as such only the bands with kick ass names are allowed to play in these parts.

Why Asians are more kick ass? I have a theory, it's because we know 'kung-fu'. Serious. All Asians are put through 'kung-fu' school when they reach 14, yours truly included. I mastered the 'karate chop', going to the top of the class in 'Karate Chop 101'.

And since then I've gone on to master the 'Chicken Chop', usually grilled crispy and with brown sauce.

... And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead - Crowning of a Heart (from The Secret of Elena's Tomb)

Ratatat is coming to KL - May 28

Ratatat are quite possibly the coolest act in the world. If they wanted to, they probably could be cooler than John Lennon. If they really wanted to, they probably could be cooler than Win Butler. If they really really wanted to, they probably could be cooler than Barack Obama. If they seriously really really really wanted to to, they could easily be cooler than Godzilla (it would be close but they could well be cooler)

Music? What the hell is that? No, they're cool cause they are named after the sound my machine gun makes, which my friends, is the sound of love. In that I held it to Megan's head and told her to marry me. We've been married ever since. True story.

Ratatat - Wildcat (from Classics)

B-Side of the Week - Going Down

The Stone Roses

Going Down (from the Made Of Stone single)

(Silvertone)

This morning, for some inexplicable reason, I started to feel nostalgic. 

So I called my grandson over and started to tell him stories about his family. How his great, great grandfather came from China by boat, how his great grandfather returned to the motherland as a scholar, how the cultural revolution broke his heart so, and how his grandfather became a red guard to rebel against his frugal father, and how his grandfather's four sons all became red giant water lizards to rebel against their father, and how these four giant water lizards terrorised Tokyo's greater subeterranea while everyone thought Godzilla was the real threat, and how one day a flight attendant crawled into the sewer to hide from Godzilla, and how one of the lizards, upon meeting this flight attendant, decided to jump her from behind because she looked so hot in her Japan Air uniform, and how in the next four minutes, that flight attendant became his grandmother. 

Ah, such good days.

The Stone Roses - Going Down

Mew Live in Bandung, Indonesia - 4th August, 2009

Dear Mr. Frengers

I just want to say I liked your first album a lot (it's the first right?). I believe it's a self titled album named after yourself Mew Frengers. Anyways, it has nice guitars, some ball-busting vocals and quite possibly the most lovely song ever written ('Symmetry').

Anyways I heard that you will be playing in Bandung in August so I was just wondering if you would mind making a stop over to this side of the continent as well. Yeah, that's M-A-L-A-Y-S-I-A. It would seriously mean a lot to us. And yes there are a lot of people who seriously love you, even though you're named after a Pokemon character.

Yours truly,

The Geek

Mew - Am I Wry? No (from Frengers)

Look what I found in the bargain bin

The Twilight Sad
Fourteen Autumns Fifteen Winters
(Fat Cat)

Price: RM10.00

Are my eyes deceiving me? Could it really be going for that price? I honestly cannot believe this would be true. It's like a dream. An unbelievable dream, with sexy centerfold posters and melted butter. Okay maybe a little better than that. Yeah, I just have to rub my eyes another time just to be sure I am not seeing things (rub).

It is true.

BBQ chicken wings for only 0.99 cents.

Yum.

The Twilight Sad - Cold Days from the Birdhouse (from Fourteen Autumns Fifteen Winters)

The Unhappy Sufjan Stevens Fans Campaign: #2 Edgar

Edgar

Lakecreek, Oregon

Hello. My name is Edgar and I am half octopus. Listen, I don't want to hear anyone sniggering alrite. My mum told me from young that I should be proud to be half-octopus, because she's proud to be the kind of woman who has sex with squids. I just wanna come out here and say that I wish Sufjan Stevens would release an album for my home state of Oregon. It is the home of such a wonderful slice of American life. Take my aunt for instance. She's been married to a cardboard cutout of Lorenzo Lamas since 1988 and has sired four lovely... why are you laughing? Hey, you. Yeah, what's so funny? No, I happen to think he's very good looking. Of course I watched Falcon Crest. What? No, you stupidhead. The Carringtons were from Dynasty. Anyways, so yeah. I was saying. Oregon is a neat place. 

Sufjan Stevens - Black Hawk War, or, How To Destroy An Entire Civilisation (from Illinoise)

Look what I found in the bargain bin

Pete Yorn
musicforthemorningafter
(Columbia)

Price: RM3.00

Let's play a game. The rules are simple. It's basically based on one question - what can you buy with RM3.00? The person that comes up with the most kick-ass thing, wins.

Okay let's have it. Oh, a packet of fruit you say? What? Oh, Jude Law's chest hair. How about you? A strawberry-flavored lolly. Right, right. Oh me? A packet of T-Rex flavored chips. I win?? Are you serious? Thankyouthankyou.

I want to thank my lovely wife Megan, who some may say might be held against her will but that's just a definition problem. I want to thank also ... eh, yeah that's it.

Pete Yorn - Just Another (from musicforthemorningafter)

The Unhappy Sufjan Stevens Fans Campaign: #1 Horacio

Horacio

Polk, Nebraska

Hi. My name is Horacio. If you think I look ordinary, it's because you've failed to realise that I have feet growing where my hands should be. So you think this sounds fun? Well, it isn't. It's hard to caress women when you're anatomically confused, and nobody cheers when I do handstands. And really, all I want in this world is to caress women. Like, lots of women. You know, like, you get what I mean. Lots and lots of them. And I also want Sufjan Stevens to release an album about the state that I call home. Stop making me wait you jerk. The doctors say that I can only caress women normally once Sufjan Stevens releases an album called Nebraska. I'm not young anymore, Mr Stevens. So please. The next time you pick up your damn guitar, think of me and how much I long to have a woman in my legs. 

Sufjan Stevens - Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing (live from the Knitting Factory)

The Sick Sick Six: The Geek's 6 Favorite Wives

So I've been around the block before. And by around the block I mean I've been married 168,907 times. Which is about 168,906 times more than the average person. Bigger number = bigger man. Anyways, I've taken some time out of my cosmic-saving duties to highlight 6 women that have enriched my life like no one has before. With their solid bodies, unbelievably good features and long flowing hair. They need not speak. In fact, it was better that they did not. Actually I forbade them to.

Megan Fox

She's made out on Bumblebee before. That fact alone is enough for me to marry her and make babies. Actually come to think of it, let's skip the marrying bit and just make babies. And while we're at it, let's remove the babies. Yeah, real slow, yeah yes perfect.
Megan Palmer - Tomorrows (from Forget Me Not)




Olivia Wilde

I had this doctor 'thing' once. No no not that I wanted to be a doctor. Although, it gave me the opportunity to 'examine' chicks. So I did the next best thing - i started examining a chick doctor. And then my life was complete.
Olivia Tremor Control - Jumping Fences (from Dusk at Cubist Castle)

AJ Cook

I know a good FBI agent when I see one. They usually have long blonde hair, tight hips and insanely hot features. Ability to hold a gun? Ooo yeah.
AJ Draper and the Forces of Nature - Stars Are Blind (Paris Hilton) (from Mix 14)





Sarah Wayne Callies

As you can see, I truly like doctors. I respect them for their intellect, their willingness to heal society and their hot bods. Yeah baby, come poke me with one o' em needles. Yup just like that.
Sarah Shannon - City Morning Song (from City Morning Song)





Emmanuelle Chriqui

There was a time when I was into women with names I can't pronounce, so that was when Emmanuelle came into my life. But I soon learned how to pronounce her name so I cheated on her and moved on to Carylynxn Aprovinacichowlr, who incidentally broke my back and transported me to an alternate dimension where camels lived on beer and Rosie O'Donnell was some super model. Turns out Carylnxn was an alien.
Emmanuelle Seigner - Je Prie Pour Nous (from Backstage)

Petra Nemcova

Ah my first love. She was so special to me. For all of 47 hours, and then I got bored. Then James Blunt appeared. And I said, "Be my guest".
Petra Hayden - Don't Stop Believing (from Guilt By Association)

B-side of the Week - I'm Just Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail

Richard Hawley

I'm Just Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail (from the Born Under A Bad Sign single)

(Mute)

Ladies and gentlemen, this is I'm Just Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail. It's from the Born Under a Bad Sign single. What? Oh, you don't know that record? It's from Richard Hawley. I think it's like his sixth or seventh single. Yeah. Oh, sorry. I shouldn't have assumed. Richard Hawley is the former guitarist of Pulp. Yeah. Ha? What's Pulp? Oh... errr... well, Pulp was this band that had been around since the 1980s but came to mainstream prominence during the mid-90s when they rode the crest of the Britpop wave on the back of their album A Different... ah? Oh sorry. What's Britpop? Well, Britpop... errr... was like, this musical movement that happened in Britain from the early 90s that's characterised by revissionist... wait. Yeah, sorry what was that? What's Britain? Oh Britain is this like country. Well, not really a country, but Britain is made up of four countries, England, Scotland, Wales and.... yes? You got another question? What's a country? Errr.... a country is like a sovereign piece of land, you know, with it's own government. What? What's a piece of land? Well... errrr...... land is like, the stuff under your feet. No, it's not like asadi slippers. No. No. This is a B-side. You know? CD? Music? Rock n Roll? What? Oh lord no. That's next door! This is Pirates of the Bargain Bin. Bargain. Yeah. Next door. I think you only start at four o'clock. Yeah. No, it's ok. That's fine. Have a good session. 

Bastards.

Richard Hawley - I'm Just Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail

B-side of the Week - Vicar In A Tutu

The Smiths

Vicar In A Tutu (from the Panic single)

(Rough Trade)

I've been doing a bit of research recently about animal rearing laws in French Guyana and I found this in the Transportation, Farm & War Animal Tax & Duties Act 1971:

"Section 1091P(2)(a)

The acquiring of the following beasts is not exempt from GST if the acquiring is for private purposes and for the purposes of dairy produce, meat, and farming labour:

(a) long-haired Mexican cows

(b) short-haired Mexican cows

(c) goats

(d) white sheep

(e) black sheep

(f) buffalo

(g) Anggora rabbits

(h) dwarf rabbits

(i) ferrets

(j) uruk hai

(k) ducks, and

(l) geese."

Did you see that? Did you see that? I know, I can barely believe my eyes! Ducks! How will I ever set up my duck farm in French Guyana now that I've to pay GST for selling them for the purposes of farming labour? Rubbish! Useless country! I hate! I hate!

The Smiths - Vicar In A Tutu

Gig-gles: Oasis Live in Singapore - 5th April, 2009

So us Pirates were there, watching Liam NOT talk to Noel, watching Liam pinch Gem's butt, watching Andy Bell's ability to not move at all, watching in horror as Noel walked around in his white pants, watching Gem trying to to do a Who, watching as my hands reached over and grope the girl's butt in front of me (learning from Liam), watching that huge Indian guy in front of me swing his arm at me, watching them bright lights ...

*Thud*

Waking up in a hospital, watching a guy that has lost his legs limp pass me, watching that geeky looking doctor trying to chat up some hot patient, watching people watching other people, watching my tray of food and trying to will it to become a stack of pork ribs, watching them hot nurses, pinching them hot nurse's butt, watching as the nurse stabs my eyes with a syringe, watching them bright lights ...

*Thud*

Yup, that's what Oasis did for me.

Oasis - Live Forever (from Definitely Maybe)