The Unhappy Sufjan Stevens Fans Campaign: #2 Edgar

Edgar

Lakecreek, Oregon

Hello. My name is Edgar and I am half octopus. Listen, I don't want to hear anyone sniggering alrite. My mum told me from young that I should be proud to be half-octopus, because she's proud to be the kind of woman who has sex with squids. I just wanna come out here and say that I wish Sufjan Stevens would release an album for my home state of Oregon. It is the home of such a wonderful slice of American life. Take my aunt for instance. She's been married to a cardboard cutout of Lorenzo Lamas since 1988 and has sired four lovely... why are you laughing? Hey, you. Yeah, what's so funny? No, I happen to think he's very good looking. Of course I watched Falcon Crest. What? No, you stupidhead. The Carringtons were from Dynasty. Anyways, so yeah. I was saying. Oregon is a neat place. 

Sufjan Stevens - Black Hawk War, or, How To Destroy An Entire Civilisation (from Illinoise)

Look what I found in the bargain bin

Pete Yorn
musicforthemorningafter
(Columbia)

Price: RM3.00

Let's play a game. The rules are simple. It's basically based on one question - what can you buy with RM3.00? The person that comes up with the most kick-ass thing, wins.

Okay let's have it. Oh, a packet of fruit you say? What? Oh, Jude Law's chest hair. How about you? A strawberry-flavored lolly. Right, right. Oh me? A packet of T-Rex flavored chips. I win?? Are you serious? Thankyouthankyou.

I want to thank my lovely wife Megan, who some may say might be held against her will but that's just a definition problem. I want to thank also ... eh, yeah that's it.

Pete Yorn - Just Another (from musicforthemorningafter)

The Unhappy Sufjan Stevens Fans Campaign: #1 Horacio

Horacio

Polk, Nebraska

Hi. My name is Horacio. If you think I look ordinary, it's because you've failed to realise that I have feet growing where my hands should be. So you think this sounds fun? Well, it isn't. It's hard to caress women when you're anatomically confused, and nobody cheers when I do handstands. And really, all I want in this world is to caress women. Like, lots of women. You know, like, you get what I mean. Lots and lots of them. And I also want Sufjan Stevens to release an album about the state that I call home. Stop making me wait you jerk. The doctors say that I can only caress women normally once Sufjan Stevens releases an album called Nebraska. I'm not young anymore, Mr Stevens. So please. The next time you pick up your damn guitar, think of me and how much I long to have a woman in my legs. 

Sufjan Stevens - Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing (live from the Knitting Factory)

The Sick Sick Six: The Geek's 6 Favorite Wives

So I've been around the block before. And by around the block I mean I've been married 168,907 times. Which is about 168,906 times more than the average person. Bigger number = bigger man. Anyways, I've taken some time out of my cosmic-saving duties to highlight 6 women that have enriched my life like no one has before. With their solid bodies, unbelievably good features and long flowing hair. They need not speak. In fact, it was better that they did not. Actually I forbade them to.

Megan Fox

She's made out on Bumblebee before. That fact alone is enough for me to marry her and make babies. Actually come to think of it, let's skip the marrying bit and just make babies. And while we're at it, let's remove the babies. Yeah, real slow, yeah yes perfect.
Megan Palmer - Tomorrows (from Forget Me Not)




Olivia Wilde

I had this doctor 'thing' once. No no not that I wanted to be a doctor. Although, it gave me the opportunity to 'examine' chicks. So I did the next best thing - i started examining a chick doctor. And then my life was complete.
Olivia Tremor Control - Jumping Fences (from Dusk at Cubist Castle)

AJ Cook

I know a good FBI agent when I see one. They usually have long blonde hair, tight hips and insanely hot features. Ability to hold a gun? Ooo yeah.
AJ Draper and the Forces of Nature - Stars Are Blind (Paris Hilton) (from Mix 14)





Sarah Wayne Callies

As you can see, I truly like doctors. I respect them for their intellect, their willingness to heal society and their hot bods. Yeah baby, come poke me with one o' em needles. Yup just like that.
Sarah Shannon - City Morning Song (from City Morning Song)





Emmanuelle Chriqui

There was a time when I was into women with names I can't pronounce, so that was when Emmanuelle came into my life. But I soon learned how to pronounce her name so I cheated on her and moved on to Carylynxn Aprovinacichowlr, who incidentally broke my back and transported me to an alternate dimension where camels lived on beer and Rosie O'Donnell was some super model. Turns out Carylnxn was an alien.
Emmanuelle Seigner - Je Prie Pour Nous (from Backstage)

Petra Nemcova

Ah my first love. She was so special to me. For all of 47 hours, and then I got bored. Then James Blunt appeared. And I said, "Be my guest".
Petra Hayden - Don't Stop Believing (from Guilt By Association)

B-side of the Week - I'm Just Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail

Richard Hawley

I'm Just Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail (from the Born Under A Bad Sign single)

(Mute)

Ladies and gentlemen, this is I'm Just Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail. It's from the Born Under a Bad Sign single. What? Oh, you don't know that record? It's from Richard Hawley. I think it's like his sixth or seventh single. Yeah. Oh, sorry. I shouldn't have assumed. Richard Hawley is the former guitarist of Pulp. Yeah. Ha? What's Pulp? Oh... errr... well, Pulp was this band that had been around since the 1980s but came to mainstream prominence during the mid-90s when they rode the crest of the Britpop wave on the back of their album A Different... ah? Oh sorry. What's Britpop? Well, Britpop... errr... was like, this musical movement that happened in Britain from the early 90s that's characterised by revissionist... wait. Yeah, sorry what was that? What's Britain? Oh Britain is this like country. Well, not really a country, but Britain is made up of four countries, England, Scotland, Wales and.... yes? You got another question? What's a country? Errr.... a country is like a sovereign piece of land, you know, with it's own government. What? What's a piece of land? Well... errrr...... land is like, the stuff under your feet. No, it's not like asadi slippers. No. No. This is a B-side. You know? CD? Music? Rock n Roll? What? Oh lord no. That's next door! This is Pirates of the Bargain Bin. Bargain. Yeah. Next door. I think you only start at four o'clock. Yeah. No, it's ok. That's fine. Have a good session. 

Bastards.

Richard Hawley - I'm Just Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail

B-side of the Week - Vicar In A Tutu

The Smiths

Vicar In A Tutu (from the Panic single)

(Rough Trade)

I've been doing a bit of research recently about animal rearing laws in French Guyana and I found this in the Transportation, Farm & War Animal Tax & Duties Act 1971:

"Section 1091P(2)(a)

The acquiring of the following beasts is not exempt from GST if the acquiring is for private purposes and for the purposes of dairy produce, meat, and farming labour:

(a) long-haired Mexican cows

(b) short-haired Mexican cows

(c) goats

(d) white sheep

(e) black sheep

(f) buffalo

(g) Anggora rabbits

(h) dwarf rabbits

(i) ferrets

(j) uruk hai

(k) ducks, and

(l) geese."

Did you see that? Did you see that? I know, I can barely believe my eyes! Ducks! How will I ever set up my duck farm in French Guyana now that I've to pay GST for selling them for the purposes of farming labour? Rubbish! Useless country! I hate! I hate!

The Smiths - Vicar In A Tutu

Gig-gles: Oasis Live in Singapore - 5th April, 2009

So us Pirates were there, watching Liam NOT talk to Noel, watching Liam pinch Gem's butt, watching Andy Bell's ability to not move at all, watching in horror as Noel walked around in his white pants, watching Gem trying to to do a Who, watching as my hands reached over and grope the girl's butt in front of me (learning from Liam), watching that huge Indian guy in front of me swing his arm at me, watching them bright lights ...

*Thud*

Waking up in a hospital, watching a guy that has lost his legs limp pass me, watching that geeky looking doctor trying to chat up some hot patient, watching people watching other people, watching my tray of food and trying to will it to become a stack of pork ribs, watching them hot nurses, pinching them hot nurse's butt, watching as the nurse stabs my eyes with a syringe, watching them bright lights ...

*Thud*

Yup, that's what Oasis did for me.

Oasis - Live Forever (from Definitely Maybe)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Yuna - Deeper Conversation

Is your favourite colour blue?
And do you always tell the truth?
Do you believe in outer space?
I'm learning you Is your skin as tan as mine?

Does your hair flow side ways?
Did someone took a portion of your heart?
Now I'm learning you

And if you don’t mind can you tell me all your hopes and fears
And everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I’d love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

I’ve let my guard down for you
And in time you will too
Deeper conversation with me
Deeper conversation

Does your name rhyme with mine?

Finally a song about a topic that's close to my heart. I have about had it with the world's inability to have deep conversation with me. Everyone just wants to talk about politics, world peace, thermodynamics, Judaism etc. I mean come on. Where can a guy go to to get someone to have a deep and complex conversation about the ergonomic curves on Megan Fox's body, or the dexterity and texture of deep fried chicken wings.

I mean come on, is that too much to ask? For the world to keep up with me? Okay maybe it is.

Yuna - Deeper Conversation (from Yuna EP)

The Non-Smelly Ones at Sunfart 2009: Hujan

Okay because I'm about as lazy as Genusfrog. (Well he is lazier of course. He crapped in his pants today because he was too lazy to walk to the toilet), I've decided that this is going to be the last Sunfart post. Only cause there is not much else to say other than there were hot chicks in bikinis, smelly bald guys in shorts and an ultra fat Korn at the end.

'Hujan' means 'rain' in Bahasa, and apparently the band's supporters are called 'Raingers', which is about as brilliant a pun as I've ever seen. As such I have decided to name the followers of my band The Tracys, 'DICK Tracys'. I have no idea why 'dick' is in caps but it just seems more powerful that way. Stronger.

Hujan - Ah Moi Chantek (from 1, 2, 3, Go?)

The Non-Smelly Ones at Sunfart 2009: They Will Kill Us All

So they were fairly decent. How can we convince you they were? Simple, Pantsy stood out in the scorching afternoon sun to watch their whole set. And I know you must be thinking two things. Firstly, how scorching was it? And secondly, what's the big deal with Pantsy getting some sun?

Well my friends, let me just say that firstly, it was real hot. So hot that even my buff, Bruce Wayne-like body got a minor tan just below my second from left pack on my 28 pack torso. Secondly, the sun is like Kryptonite to the vermin. As such ever since then, we've isolated him into a fridge just below the pork nuggets, which is why he has not blogged in awhile.

Rating: 6.1

They Will Kill Us All - Curtains (from Secret Episodes)

The Non-Smelly Ones at Sunfart 2009: Nidji

Indonesian band Nidji was handed the insurmountable task of erasing the sonic rape that Malaysian band Estranged put us through the set before, which in case you were wondering how severe that means, it's a little like trying to defeat Godzilla and King Kong with a plastic spoon and two nappies. They managed to, by depolying matching jackets, speeches about world peace, shades at 8pm in the night and confetti cannons, which says a lot about:

a) the size of Nidji's eraser, and
b) the sonic raping abilities of Estranged.

Rating: 8.8

Nidji - Sudah (from Breakthru')

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Jens Lekman - Black Cab

Oh no, God damn
I missed the last tram
I killed the party again
God damn, God damn

I want to sleep in my bed
I want to clean up my head
Don't want to look this dead
Don't want to feel this dread

I killed the party again
I ruined it for my friends
"Well, you're so silent, Jens"
Well, maybe I am, maybe I am

Now at the central station
No time for being patient
I feel like going home
But at the same time, I don't

Black Cab

And I've heard all those stories
About the black cabs and the way they drive
That if you take a ride with them
You might not come back alive

They might be psycho killers
But tonight I really don't care
So I say turn up the music
Take me home or take me anywhere

Black cab

You don't know anything
So don't ask me questions
You don't know anything
So don't ask me any questions
You don't know anything
So don't ask me questions

Just turn the music up
And keep your mouth shut

So there are many theories on what exactly a Black Cab is. Is it some commentary on racial polarisation? You know, that thing between black and white polar bears? Or maybe it is some commentary on cabbie issues? Or perhaps some commentary on Queen Latifah? Shit man, this one's quite possible.

But calm down everyone, I know for a fact it is none of the above. It is in actual fact and ode to Pantsy's butt hole. One part of the name refers to color of it, the other on its attitude. Yeeha!

Jens Lekman - Black Cab (from Oh, You're So Silent Jens)

Fad of the Land: Muziic Player

Those computer software inventing dudes are so smart. Man, they're just so smart. I think every dude who events something computery is just so smart. So hmmm... let's find out about the dude who invented Muziic, a downloadable computer application which allows users to stream songs straight from YouTube (minus the video) and where organise those songs into an iTunes-like interface. Oh look, it was invented by best frieds Mark Nelson and David Nelson! Smart friends! Even smarter. Oh look again, they're actually father and son! Smart and sweet! More charming than farming. Oh would you look at that! The son is just 15 years old. Aww shucks, that's just so...

15 YEARS OLD???

You know, one of these days, I'm going to scold my grandma for buying me Thomas the Tank Engine instead of that "How to be a freakin' child prodigy and make yuppies feel like drinking their own pee" book. Seriously, I coulda finished it in 14 seconds. Maybe 16 if you count the booger breaks.

Link: www.muziic.com

Meursault - Lament For A Teenage Millionaire (from Pissing On Bonfires/Kissing With Tongues)

This Week's Track 9: Further Seems Forever - Wearing Thin

And so we've left this column untouched for close to a year now.

The reason is cause Genusfrog is a lazy ass. And so I had a deep 1-1 talk with him a moment ago. Cause I like to shoot it straight. No behind the back bullshit and it went like this:

Geek: Dude

Genusfrog: Yeah?

Geek: You're a lazy ass.

Genusfrog: Yeah, I know.

Geek: Oh, in that case, you're a ninny that wears panties too.

Genusfrog: You're right.

Geek: Oh, then you're a ninny that wears panties and eats sparrow butts for breakfast.

Genusfrog: Damn straight

Further Seems Forever - Wearing Thin (track 9 from The Moon is Down)

The Sick Sick Six: Six Complains You Never Knew About from Superheroes

So like most of you would have watched Watchmen (get it? get it?) by now. You know, the one where we sat through 2.5 hours of groaning from a bunch of superheroes. Which opened us up to the possibility that perhaps Superman bitches about waxing, or that Robin has had enough of Batman spanking his ass or that Wonder Woman has trouble finding lingerie that does not tear. So we thought we should compile a list of top 6 complains that superheroes have when doning the cap and underwear.

Turning Old-ass

Because unlike Brad Pitt, superheroes do have the potential to turn into an old-ass.
65daysofstatic - When We Were Younger and Better (from The Destruction of Small Ideas)

Those Damn Flying Vermin

And you think just because you have some fancy ring or a magic cape that means you don't have to endure traffic jams? Think again dude. It's either you're bumper to bumper with a bald eagle or crashing into a pack of sparrows. Personally I prefer ostriches, cause they have long sexy legs. What? What the hell kind of bird does not fly anyway? What did you say? Kuku bird? Oh.
Arthur and Yu - There Are Too Many Birds (from In Camera)

Being Ass-wipe Compared To Your More Popular Partner

Do you know Aqualad? That's what I thought. Do you think he is happy about that? Probably not. Shit man, that rhymed. Okay I quit, off to be the next Sylvia Plath but only better looking. Yeeha!
Morrissey - We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful (from Your Arsenal)


Working Over Christmas

Don't let the joyous looks on the left fool you, if you look real closely, Santa's got a gun aimed at Batman and Superman's about to block the shot but not before Wonder Woman strips. Why? Because having a strip is always better than not having one. I think Plato said that, or maybe his gardener. Doesn't matter.
Long Winters - Sometimes You Have To Work On Christmas (Sometimes) (from Peace On Earth)



Packing It All In

So you think Robin loves taking orders from Batman? Or Superman loves being a no-shag zone? Think again. Superheroes bitch about quitting all the time. Just the other day Metamorpho bitched to me about how he can't pull chicks cause he's ugly. So I told him hell yeah, he is and the ninny cried and quit. Or how I told Super Girl she has a wrestler's ass and she cried and quit too.
Adele - That's It, I Quit, I'm Moving On (from Chasing Pavements single)

No Sleep

The truth is, Batman has not slept since the 70s. I mean, have you ever seen a shot of him in sunlight? That's what I thought. I mean, just the other day he was complaining about how he's never shagged on the beach during sunset before. I mean geez, how can anyone not have done that yet?
Saturday Looks Good to Me - Can't Ever Sleep (from Sound on Sound)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Anthony and the Johnsons - Bird Gehrl

I am a bird girl now
I've got my heart
Here in my hands now
I've been searching
For my wings some time
I'm gonna be born
Into soon the sky
'Cause I'm a bird girl
And the bird girls go to heaven
I'm a bird girl
And the bird girls can fly
Bird girls can fly

Wow, people can literally write about anything these days. Slap a few metaphors together about a female bird and there you have it, a class A song. No need for big lyrics about saving the world, curing cancer or banging hot chicks. Just sing about wanting to be a chick (chick = bird + Anthony = chick, get it get it?) and bang, worldwide phenomenon.

So in the spirit of this brilliant simplicity, I have written a song called 'Rhino Bhoy'. There are tons of references to gorging and ultra rhino piss action. I am expecting a cover from Dylan himself, or at the very least, Azmyl Yunor.

Anthony and the Johnsons - Bird Gehrl (from I Am A Bird Now)

Nine Inch Nails in Singapore, 10 August

Having Nine Inch Nails in this part of the world is a real catch.

Now, in order to help you understand the gravity of the previous statement, it's important that you identify the key word. If you're a fair-minded chap like most chaps, you've probably narrowed down the list to a few key possibilities:

• "Having"
• "Nine Inch Nails"
• "in this part of the world"
• "is a"
• 'real"
  
• "catch"

And the answer issssss... . Oh you sordid soul, you. You mean you didn't realise the significance of .? Then you're sordidly sordid. I m-m-mean, think of what might happen if the sentence read:

Having Nine Inch Nails in this part of the world is a real catch!

or

Having Nine Inch Nails in this part of the world is a real catch?

or

Having Nine Inch Nails in this part of the world is a real catch,

or

Having Nine Inch Nails in this part of the world is a real catch(

or

Having Nine Inch Nails in this part of the world is a real catch"

I know! The earth-shattering implications would be too much for Dr Manhattan to contain. Good thing I'm as good in punctuation as Watchmen are in groping naked superheroines{-; Like Dr Manhattan walking around with his muscly dangling testicles" I am completely, confident in my ability to know whe:never a sentence. needs a comma ]or a full stop or a bracket

Check out tour.nin.com for more info.

Nine Inch Nails - Eraser (from The Downward Spiral)

Look what I found in the bargain bin but did not buy

Matthew Sweet
100% Fun
(Volcano)

Price: RM 18.00

Sigh, that's disappointing.

You think you've struck the equivalent of geeky gold when you found a copy of a favorite of yours from your gen-x teen years in some dilapidated box in some bazaar, only to find that when inspected closely, the CD was fairly scratched so buying it was going to be slightly risky.

In a way, it's a lot like ordering pork ribs only to find you've been given a chicken pie with extra peas. Or booking a flight but told that you would have to take a bus instead. Or taking a hot chick home only to find out after the wig came off that she looks like this.

What the hell do you mean that's a guy? No way. I would cut my gonads off if it was. What did you say? Are you serious? Oh bloody hell. Okay pass me the knife.

Matthew Sweet - Sick of Myself (from 100% Fun)

Oasis Playing Singapore 5 April

Blahblahblah, so my pet llama kept asking me, "ooOoOoo, like duude, why are you so oOooOOo, so like sad dude?", and so I told him that my Oasis post got taken down by that guy who works for support at blogger, you know the guy who makes passionate love to cracks in brick walls? And my pet llama was all "ooOOoOo, dude, he must be small. Or those walls, dude, they need a plastering, ooOoo. What did you write in the piece that was so offensive dude?"

"Nothing man. Just that Oasis are playing in Singapore on April 5, that tickets go on Sistic tomorrow, and some stuff about three-legged women selling six-eyed children by the roadside in Shanghai."

"ooOOoOo. Those are cute ass dude."

"I know. They got like little eyes on their feet. I love that.

"Well, that post is gone now. I composed it right into blogger. I'm never gonna do that again. Or that brickwall-loving guy's gonna keep ripping down my posts."

"Dude, isn't he like the guy who also makes love to like wire mesh fences?"

"Yeap, that's him."

"Vile, dude. OoOooOo, isn't he also the guy who makes love to daisies? I mean not like my sister and all but the actual flow-"

"Yes, pet llama, that's him. The blogger employee who humps, among many things, gebra daisies. You've IDed him, now can we talk about something-"

"OoOOo, isn't he also the one who makes love to like, wooly alpacan herbivors?"

"Pet llama, that's you. Actually, can you get all your girlfriends to leave in the morning by jumping down the window? It's really not on to have them walking all over the place wearing your underwear".

"Touchy, dude. Like, OooOoo."

Oasis - Let's All Make Believe (from Hindu Times single) 

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: The Gaslight Anthem - High Lonesom

So the ambulances came
They took your pulse and packed up your things
And the papers read
Some boys forget what the heart it brings
And the pounding in the street
Was your heart in four four time
And the taste of defeat
Was was never too far from your mind

And Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand
I always kinda sorta wished I looked like Elvis
And in my head there's all these classic cars
And outlaw cowboy bands
I always kinda sorta wish I'm someone else

So gravity came
And stole the temple that the schoolboys praised
And the crowd shuffled in
You're getting drinks for the same boys
Who once bought you everything
And the patter on the bar
Was just this one time
The patter on the bar
Was just this one night
Only to get by

And Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand
I always kinda sorta wished I looked like Elvis
And in my head there's all these classic cars
And outlaw cowboy bands
I always kinda sorta wish I'm someone else

There were Southern accents
On the radio
As I drove home
And at night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
It's a pretty good song
Maybe you know the rest
Maybe you know the rest

And Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand
Always kinda sorta wished I looked like Elvis
And in my head there's all these classic cars
And outlaw cowboy bands
I always kinda sorta wish I'm someone else

When our boots they hit the ground
They made a high and lonesome sound
When our boots they hit the ground
They made a high and lonesome sound
When our boots they hit the ground
They made a high and lonesome sound
When our boots they hit the ground
Down from the clouds
They made a high and lonesome sound

It's nice to know that some bands are culturally clued in. Like how this track from this Springs-teen band drops/quotes a popular line from that Counting Crows song during the chorus.

Not that I seriously need more accolades (just won one for "Most Notes Played On An Air Guitar In Front Of A Mirror In Nothing But My Ding Dongs'. Been gunning for that one for awhile now). Anyway I have taken the liberty to write a song that contains some cultural references. Hope you enjoy it. Here goes:

Hit me baby one more time
Cause she's so lucky
Hit me baby one more time
I was born to make you happy

Ooops I did it again
Cause I'm stronger
Ooops I did it again
Cause you're a womanizer

The Gaslight Anthem - High Lonesom (from The '59 Sound)

Faux B-Side of the Week: Avalanche, Oh Avalanche!

Gregory & The Hawk
Avalanche, Oh Avalanche! (from the Boats And Birds EP)
(FatCat Records)

I have a friend who has a van, and in that van there's a cd player. And inside that cd player, there's a girl. And inside that girl, there's another girl. Now let's assume that the inner girl eats porridge every Tuesday and mackerel on alternate Monday nights, and there are five Mondays in March 2009. Let's also assume that the outer girl likes to dance the polka but is disallowed from doing so on odd-numbered dates by her oppressive step-father. Suppose also that the van is travelling at 90km per hour on the Lebuhraya Utara Selatan back and forth from Nilai to Batu Pahat for 30 days starting 15th February 2009.

1. On what day and date do the two girls intersect while respectively eating mackerel and dancing the polka?

2. What is the nearest small town to this occurance?

What, you have no clue?

Bah. My two-year-old figured this one out. Huh? Of course not, what do you mean kids? No, I've got no kids. What, the two-year-old? That's not a kid. That's a supercomputer. You don't talk about your computers like that? My lord, you're indeed a depraved species.

Gregory & The Hawk - Avalanche, Oh Avalanche!

Rachel Yamagata heads to Singapore, 15 April

Yes, Singapore's concert scene has plenty going for it. Yes, Mercury Rev are opening for Coldplay, and yes, Kaiser Chiefs are a bitchin' live band, and yes, Of Montreal's live shows are known for Kevin Barnes dancing around with shaving cream on his scrawny bod.

And now Rachel Yamagata is going to Singapore for an Esplanade gig for the second time in three years. The Geek finds that about as exciting as Emanuelle Chriqui telling him she's into poodles instead of men, but for some chaps, news like this feels is equivalent to you transforming into a poodle. And if you're looking to find out how to transform into a poodle, then you should ask Megatron. his number is 1-800-FLUFFIE. Tell him Pantsy says "Sit".

Tickers are S$68 - S$118. For more info, click here.

Rachel Yamagata - Meet Me By The Water (from Happenstance)

Mercury Rev to play one hour set for Coldplay's S'pore show

You need not worry for me, padre. The Great Monkey God of Rauflafla told me yesterday that he alone knows all the answers to life. All I need to do is to bring him 14,000 pink panthers, 370 blue lagoons and 2 guavas, and he will explain to me the full meaning and reason behind why those who bought tickets to Coldplay's sold out Singapore concert will be treated to a one-hour opening set by Mercury Rev.

So yes, worry not, oh worrywart. When I return from Rauflafla, all shall be made known. What's that? Oh, you want to know why Knight Rider is worse than Lipstick Jungle. Ok, I'll ask the Great Monkey God about that too. Anything else? Ah of course. I'll make sure to ask why he has three balls. Good questions you got there. You should write a book. Call it Eh?.

Mercury Rev - Nocturne For Norwood (from Strange Attractor)

Sunfart unveils its final lineup

Us Pirates have gotten it right again, by damn it. Cause mega fat Korn and the sultry Erykah Badu will be propping up the Sunfart music festival this year as co-headliners.

Makes us almost wonder if anything we say will come true. So as such I am hereby declaring that I will be getting laid by three super ultra beta hot chicks in the next five-minutes and Pantsy will crap in his pants in the next three. Peace.

Go here to check out the full lineup.

Erykah Badu - Soldier (from New Amerykah Part One (4th World War))

Sunfart: Blue Skyes are a coming

So like the Sunfart idiots have confirmed a couple of other acts apparently and they aren't exactly of the Coldplay stadium-destroying variety but hey, who's keeping scores anyway? I stopped after I struck a home run and nailed the cheerleader. Baseball? Who? Me? I was talking about making out. What's 'sports'?

Anyway, apparently ex-Morcheeba singer Skye Edwards is one of those that are confirmed tagged to perform at the crap fest. The other is this accapella group called Naturall7. No pictures or songs for that one less you get herpes or something.

Skye - Love Show (from Mind How You Go)

Lets get lyrical, lyrical: Morrissey - Come Back To Camden

There is something I wanted to tell you,
It's so funny you'll kill yourself laughing
But then I, I look around,
And I remember that I am alone, Alone.
For evermore

The tile yard all along the railings,
Up a discoloured dark brown staircase
Here you'll find, despair and I,
Calling to you with what's left of my heart,
My heart,
For evermore

Drinking tea with the taste of the Thames,
Sullenly on a chair on the pavement
Here you'll find, my thoughts and I,
And here is the very last plea from my heart
My heart.
For evermore,

Where taxi drivers never stop talking
Under slate grey Victorian sky,
Here you will find, despair and I
And here I am every last inch of me is yours, Yours,
For evermore

Your leg came to rest against mine,
Then you lounged with knees up and apart
And me and my heart, we knew,
We just knew,
For evermore

Where taxi drivers never stop talking,
Under slate grey Victorian sky
Here you'll find, my heart and I,
And still we say come back,
Come back to Camden

And I'll be good,
I'll be good,
I'll be good,
I'll be good

Some people like Morrissey because he's a poet apparently, although in this song he just suggested we should drink tea that tastes like the Thames (which last I check is a taste likened to a cross between a sweaty fat man's armpit and a sweaty fat man's bung hole). Others like him because he's got the coolest haircut in this side of the music business (step1 - buy hair gel, step 2 - pour all gel on to head).

I like him because he obviously likes guns. Only a man that's willing to use one would pose with one on an album cover.

Morrissey - Come Back to Camden (from You Are The Quarry)

Faux B-Side of the Week: Vintage Future

The Raveonettes
Vintage Future (from the Sometimes They Drop By EP)
(Vice Records)

There are six reasons why in the future everybody will dress up like vitamin c pills.

1. People are already dressing up like vitamin c pills.
2. Thirty years ago, everybody also dressed up like vitamin c pills.
3. My nurse dresses up like vitamin c pills.
4. Vitamin c pill dresses are easy to take off, which, if you're a chick in my immediate vicinity, matters.

But you know what? These things don't really matter to me because I can see through what you're wearing anyway. Cotton? Blah. Polyester? Pieceofcake. Synthetic rubber wet-suit glistening with mid-afternoon raindrops? Boh-ring. So really, you might as well give up now. Yeah, darling. It's pointless. Ah yes. Clever girl.

The Raveonettes - Vintage Future

Look what I found in the bargain bin

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
Howl
(RCA)

Price: RM10

It was raining. One of those torrential nights that made you wonder what they meant by hellfire. That bastard Pantsy hauled me into his office, told his gerbils to leave us alone and proceeded to remind me about the core business of Pirates of the Bargain Bin.

"What bin, Genusfrog?"

"Bb..."

"In English, amphibian."

"Bargain, sir. Bargain bin."

"Good. About time you found yourself one."

The bastard.

And then, thunder. Hollow, soulless thunder, lean as the days. Trudging down to Chinatown, I thought, maybe this was it. The end of my line. Cold rain and doubt. And that was when I saw her.

Watching me from the glass panel of Ah Fook Restaurant, she glowed invitingly. No, I couldn't. Just resist you dumb lug. You'll never afford her. She'll have you weak. She'll hold you ransom, buddy. You'll never afford her.

But resist her I couldn't.

"How much for the pork belly? I want all of it."

"Ten dollar. Very cheap."

That was it. My reprieve. It poured buckets but I made it back before midnight. Back before he left. That bastard gerbil lover.

"Ten bucks."

He refused to smile but the belly was glowing. Shone like an angel. My angel.

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Devil's Waitin' (from Howl)

The Sick Sick Six: Six Worst Things You Can Bump Into At Night

So lately your friendly neighborhood handsome world saver (me) has been lazing back and taking in some serious literary classics. And by classics I mean the mind-blowing brilliance that is Supernatural, a TV series about two brothers who meet tons of hot chicks while hunting evil goons/monsters in the night. Ah, the life, and booty.

Which got me thinking (which means something is really good because 'little ol' powerful me don't think for anything. In fact, I just don't think, period. Yeah!) about what are some of the worst things you can meet when you're walking down the street alone at night. Proceed carefully because you may never return, or if you're a hot chick, you might end up in my house.

The Postman
Not just any postman, but 'The' Postman. Yes, the one who hands you your credit card bills and brochures about penile implants. Don't say we did not warn you. Apparently he has a mustache too.
American Analog Set - The Postman (from Off the Wall)

The Moviegoer
Do you know what happens when you've consumed a large Coke and two large buckets of popcorn? You become The Moviegoer. Which is essentially like any moviegoer except fatter and slower so you can outrun his ass. Okay, maybe this one should not be on this list.
Neko Case - The Moviegoer (from Several Arrows Later)

Genghis Khan
I rest my case on this one. What? He's dead? Look everyone's alive until proven otherwise. They found his remains? Possibly not his. My wife's hot? You betcha.
Nico - Genghis Khan (from Drama of Exile)

A Crazy-ass Poet
Can you think of anything worst than some crazy-ass poet tailing you on some dark street and reading you a piece about how 'you're a gentle flower' or how 'you're going to gallop like a strong horse'?
Ryan Adams - Sylvia Plath (from Gold)

Something You Don't Know Shit About
I have no idea what the hell is a wraith but whatever that can be pinned to the mist sounds scary as hell. How do I know that? Cause I can't be pinned to the mist and I am friendly and hot, now get out of my sight and go get me some chicken skin pudding.
Of Montreal - Wraith Pinned to the Mist (from The Sunlandic Twins)

Something With a Name You Cannot Pronounce
I have done extensive studies on the subject and have found that Sigur Ros is actually singing about the Loch Ness Monster in the song below. Or specifically, a Loch Ness Monster that loves medicine and blond girls.
Sigur Ros - Með Blóðnasir (from Takk)

Sunburst/fart: Psst psst ... so this is what we heard

So what we've heard is that the Sunfart jokes are trying to secure three more acts to make up the final lineup for the fest, which at the moment consists of basically Pharrell's fart residue, and that two out of the three could well be mega huge Green Day and mega fat Korn. Rumor has it that Jonathan Davies has requested a whole roasted cow in his tech rider.

We also heard the third act could well be a gay elephant singing Tom Jones songs. We cannot properly confirm this at the moment.

Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends (from American Idiot)

In the papers today...

Christian groups in London are launching advertisements on London's buses declaring that God exists. The ads are done in response to a month-long campaign by atheists that saw over 800 buses carrying the slogan "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life." Supporters from both parties have come out to claim that the other side's banners are offensive and inappropriate. Meanwhile, Jack Bauer released a press statement today, saying, "Can you guys stop using my name in vain."
This story reminds me of: Boy Without God - Holy Holy Little Fist (from Your Body Is Your Soul)

Preliminary artwork for the Devastator robot has been released for the upcoming Transformers sequel. Entitled Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen, the hotly anticipated summer movie will have over 40 robots, and a storyline that revolves something about a giant superbot called The Fallen who does some superbad superbot things. It also has Megan Fox. And then it also has... it also has... hang on, I had it on the tip of my tongue. It also... Ooo, tongue...Uhhh...Devasta... Oh, my tongue. Huhuh. I said tongue...
This story reminds me of: The Cinematic Orchestra - Transformation (from Les Ailes Pourpres: Le Mystère Des Flamants)

It was Charles Darwin's birthday last week, on 12 February. The dude woulda been 200 years old. Fifty years later, he and his sciency mate would release a book initially entitled On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life. Thirteen years later it would be shortened to The Origin of Species, but only after other suggested titles like and Smacktican the Vatican, My Momma Fed Me Broccoli Good and Oompa Loompas are Da Bomb were duly considered.
This story reminds me of: The Low Anthem - Charlie Darwin (from Oh My God, Charlie Darwin)

Cold Play

So anyway, we're here to tell you that our ultra reliable and meat-loving source has just informed us that it is confirmed, Coldplay will not be making an appearance at Sunburst music festival.

The onus is out on the reason but apparently it's a toss up between money 'difficulties' and Coldplay's asking price sky-rocketing after their Grammy sweep. Me, I'm thinking cause Chris Martin hates food. Probably why he's headed to our neighbours instead. Either that or he is gay. I have no either why this is relevant to anything but I just felt it had to be said.

Coldplay - Everything's Not Lost (from Parachutes)

Wah ... so exciting

Nevermind that Coldplay hangs in the balance and we're possibly left with the prospect of Chad Hugo closing what is supposedly our biggest music festival and the fact that our neighborhood rivals Singapore keep rolling in the big guns (the latest being Kaiser Chiefs on April 7), we've just been hit with news that the poor man's Dashboard Confessional, Secondhand Serenade is due for an appearance on our shores soon for an industry-only showcase.

If that doesn't wet your pants, I have no idea what will. Seeing as there are rumors that The Scorpions might be headed this way for a show. Rumor has it that they paid to play seeing as even that won't secure them any shows around the world. But hey, turns out we're nice and we've accepted a bid. Michael Learns to Rock, Jason Donovan and Winger (with local boys Wings opening, it's supposedly dubbed the Fly Me Into Your Bunghole Tour) have also been lined up.

Secondhand Serenade - Fall On You (from A Twist in My Story)

Word for the Week: Chinese

Because...

It's Chinese New Year. Oh, look at you wiki. Yes, you with the blue eyes and dimples. Let me tell you the next five things you're going to do. First, after your wikiing, you will read that this year, Chinese New Year fell last Monday 26th January. Second, you will scratch your sweaty crotch wondering why the heck it's still Chinese New Year. Third, you will then scroll down the Wiki page and read that Chinese New Year lasts 15 days. Fourth, you will stop scratching your sweaty crotch, and start smelling your pinky. Fifthly, you will Come back to this site feeling all culturally that, and proceed to deduce that since we are now in the 11th day of Chinese New Year, it is still Chinese New Year, and hence a post like this makes complete sense.

Dumb twat. It's Chinese New Year because on this day 34,045 weeks ago, Emperor Ham Mai Tai discovered the Awesome Angular Armpit maneuver, and pulled it off on 234,566 meerkats. They then bought him a Mogu pillow. That's totally deserving of restarting any year. You and your Wiki. Sheesh. Go swallow some chopsticks.

Grey Anne - Chinese New Year (from Facts n Figurines)
As per her stage name, Anne Adams puts some musky tints on the season's red overload.

Devendra Banhart - Chinese Children (from Cripple Crow)
"If I lived in China, I'd have some Chinese children," says Devendra. And then they'd wish their mummy was Natalie, and refer to you as "Devendla". So think twice, dude.

Clem Snide - Chinese Baby (from The Ghost of Fashion)
Eef Barzelay thinks that Chinese babies say "Boo hoo" when they cry. Oh please; when I cried I said... wait, what did I say again? Oh yes that's right, I never cried. I just snapped necks.

Blur - Chinese Bombs (from Blur)
Can't wait for July.

New Release: The Rest - Everyone All At Once

You know how everyone's in search of the next Arcade Fire? And you know how the next brilliant, unheralded Canadian band that puts out the next gobstopping album teeming with lilypads of frog-in-throat tunes will always be hailed as the next Arcade Fire? And you know how if justice reigns in the world, The Rest just might be the next Arcade Fire?

I totally feel it. And so, whenever I hear someone ask me for my thoughts on the next Arcade Fire, that in-bred spirit of selflessness and generosity automatically triggers within, and I have no choice but to become the exemplary helper that I can't help being, and subsequently lead them to the nearest shopping mall, and then to one of the passageways, and then haul in elephants to block all the exits, and then call my pet arsonist to come over and torch the mall. Because I too want people to discover the next Arcade Fire. I'm kind like that. I can't help it.

Track list:

1. Coughing Blood
2. Modern Time Travel (necessities)
3. Sheep In Wolves' Clothing
4. Phonetically, Phonetically
5. Apples & Allergies
6. Drinking Again
7. Blossom Babies Part Two
8. Walk on Water (auspicious beginnings)
9. The Lady Vanishes
10. Everything All At Once