Rachel Yamagata heads to Singapore, 15 April

Yes, Singapore's concert scene has plenty going for it. Yes, Mercury Rev are opening for Coldplay, and yes, Kaiser Chiefs are a bitchin' live band, and yes, Of Montreal's live shows are known for Kevin Barnes dancing around with shaving cream on his scrawny bod.

And now Rachel Yamagata is going to Singapore for an Esplanade gig for the second time in three years. The Geek finds that about as exciting as Emanuelle Chriqui telling him she's into poodles instead of men, but for some chaps, news like this feels is equivalent to you transforming into a poodle. And if you're looking to find out how to transform into a poodle, then you should ask Megatron. his number is 1-800-FLUFFIE. Tell him Pantsy says "Sit".

Tickers are S$68 - S$118. For more info, click here.

Rachel Yamagata - Meet Me By The Water (from Happenstance)

Mercury Rev to play one hour set for Coldplay's S'pore show

You need not worry for me, padre. The Great Monkey God of Rauflafla told me yesterday that he alone knows all the answers to life. All I need to do is to bring him 14,000 pink panthers, 370 blue lagoons and 2 guavas, and he will explain to me the full meaning and reason behind why those who bought tickets to Coldplay's sold out Singapore concert will be treated to a one-hour opening set by Mercury Rev.

So yes, worry not, oh worrywart. When I return from Rauflafla, all shall be made known. What's that? Oh, you want to know why Knight Rider is worse than Lipstick Jungle. Ok, I'll ask the Great Monkey God about that too. Anything else? Ah of course. I'll make sure to ask why he has three balls. Good questions you got there. You should write a book. Call it Eh?.

Mercury Rev - Nocturne For Norwood (from Strange Attractor)

Sunfart unveils its final lineup

Us Pirates have gotten it right again, by damn it. Cause mega fat Korn and the sultry Erykah Badu will be propping up the Sunfart music festival this year as co-headliners.

Makes us almost wonder if anything we say will come true. So as such I am hereby declaring that I will be getting laid by three super ultra beta hot chicks in the next five-minutes and Pantsy will crap in his pants in the next three. Peace.

Go here to check out the full lineup.

Erykah Badu - Soldier (from New Amerykah Part One (4th World War))

Sunfart: Blue Skyes are a coming

So like the Sunfart idiots have confirmed a couple of other acts apparently and they aren't exactly of the Coldplay stadium-destroying variety but hey, who's keeping scores anyway? I stopped after I struck a home run and nailed the cheerleader. Baseball? Who? Me? I was talking about making out. What's 'sports'?

Anyway, apparently ex-Morcheeba singer Skye Edwards is one of those that are confirmed tagged to perform at the crap fest. The other is this accapella group called Naturall7. No pictures or songs for that one less you get herpes or something.

Skye - Love Show (from Mind How You Go)

Lets get lyrical, lyrical: Morrissey - Come Back To Camden

There is something I wanted to tell you,
It's so funny you'll kill yourself laughing
But then I, I look around,
And I remember that I am alone, Alone.
For evermore

The tile yard all along the railings,
Up a discoloured dark brown staircase
Here you'll find, despair and I,
Calling to you with what's left of my heart,
My heart,
For evermore

Drinking tea with the taste of the Thames,
Sullenly on a chair on the pavement
Here you'll find, my thoughts and I,
And here is the very last plea from my heart
My heart.
For evermore,

Where taxi drivers never stop talking
Under slate grey Victorian sky,
Here you will find, despair and I
And here I am every last inch of me is yours, Yours,
For evermore

Your leg came to rest against mine,
Then you lounged with knees up and apart
And me and my heart, we knew,
We just knew,
For evermore

Where taxi drivers never stop talking,
Under slate grey Victorian sky
Here you'll find, my heart and I,
And still we say come back,
Come back to Camden

And I'll be good,
I'll be good,
I'll be good,
I'll be good

Some people like Morrissey because he's a poet apparently, although in this song he just suggested we should drink tea that tastes like the Thames (which last I check is a taste likened to a cross between a sweaty fat man's armpit and a sweaty fat man's bung hole). Others like him because he's got the coolest haircut in this side of the music business (step1 - buy hair gel, step 2 - pour all gel on to head).

I like him because he obviously likes guns. Only a man that's willing to use one would pose with one on an album cover.

Morrissey - Come Back to Camden (from You Are The Quarry)

Faux B-Side of the Week: Vintage Future

The Raveonettes
Vintage Future (from the Sometimes They Drop By EP)
(Vice Records)

There are six reasons why in the future everybody will dress up like vitamin c pills.

1. People are already dressing up like vitamin c pills.
2. Thirty years ago, everybody also dressed up like vitamin c pills.
3. My nurse dresses up like vitamin c pills.
4. Vitamin c pill dresses are easy to take off, which, if you're a chick in my immediate vicinity, matters.

But you know what? These things don't really matter to me because I can see through what you're wearing anyway. Cotton? Blah. Polyester? Pieceofcake. Synthetic rubber wet-suit glistening with mid-afternoon raindrops? Boh-ring. So really, you might as well give up now. Yeah, darling. It's pointless. Ah yes. Clever girl.

The Raveonettes - Vintage Future

Look what I found in the bargain bin

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
Howl
(RCA)

Price: RM10

It was raining. One of those torrential nights that made you wonder what they meant by hellfire. That bastard Pantsy hauled me into his office, told his gerbils to leave us alone and proceeded to remind me about the core business of Pirates of the Bargain Bin.

"What bin, Genusfrog?"

"Bb..."

"In English, amphibian."

"Bargain, sir. Bargain bin."

"Good. About time you found yourself one."

The bastard.

And then, thunder. Hollow, soulless thunder, lean as the days. Trudging down to Chinatown, I thought, maybe this was it. The end of my line. Cold rain and doubt. And that was when I saw her.

Watching me from the glass panel of Ah Fook Restaurant, she glowed invitingly. No, I couldn't. Just resist you dumb lug. You'll never afford her. She'll have you weak. She'll hold you ransom, buddy. You'll never afford her.

But resist her I couldn't.

"How much for the pork belly? I want all of it."

"Ten dollar. Very cheap."

That was it. My reprieve. It poured buckets but I made it back before midnight. Back before he left. That bastard gerbil lover.

"Ten bucks."

He refused to smile but the belly was glowing. Shone like an angel. My angel.

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Devil's Waitin' (from Howl)

The Sick Sick Six: Six Worst Things You Can Bump Into At Night

So lately your friendly neighborhood handsome world saver (me) has been lazing back and taking in some serious literary classics. And by classics I mean the mind-blowing brilliance that is Supernatural, a TV series about two brothers who meet tons of hot chicks while hunting evil goons/monsters in the night. Ah, the life, and booty.

Which got me thinking (which means something is really good because 'little ol' powerful me don't think for anything. In fact, I just don't think, period. Yeah!) about what are some of the worst things you can meet when you're walking down the street alone at night. Proceed carefully because you may never return, or if you're a hot chick, you might end up in my house.

The Postman
Not just any postman, but 'The' Postman. Yes, the one who hands you your credit card bills and brochures about penile implants. Don't say we did not warn you. Apparently he has a mustache too.
American Analog Set - The Postman (from Off the Wall)

The Moviegoer
Do you know what happens when you've consumed a large Coke and two large buckets of popcorn? You become The Moviegoer. Which is essentially like any moviegoer except fatter and slower so you can outrun his ass. Okay, maybe this one should not be on this list.
Neko Case - The Moviegoer (from Several Arrows Later)

Genghis Khan
I rest my case on this one. What? He's dead? Look everyone's alive until proven otherwise. They found his remains? Possibly not his. My wife's hot? You betcha.
Nico - Genghis Khan (from Drama of Exile)

A Crazy-ass Poet
Can you think of anything worst than some crazy-ass poet tailing you on some dark street and reading you a piece about how 'you're a gentle flower' or how 'you're going to gallop like a strong horse'?
Ryan Adams - Sylvia Plath (from Gold)

Something You Don't Know Shit About
I have no idea what the hell is a wraith but whatever that can be pinned to the mist sounds scary as hell. How do I know that? Cause I can't be pinned to the mist and I am friendly and hot, now get out of my sight and go get me some chicken skin pudding.
Of Montreal - Wraith Pinned to the Mist (from The Sunlandic Twins)

Something With a Name You Cannot Pronounce
I have done extensive studies on the subject and have found that Sigur Ros is actually singing about the Loch Ness Monster in the song below. Or specifically, a Loch Ness Monster that loves medicine and blond girls.
Sigur Ros - Með Blóðnasir (from Takk)

Sunburst/fart: Psst psst ... so this is what we heard

So what we've heard is that the Sunfart jokes are trying to secure three more acts to make up the final lineup for the fest, which at the moment consists of basically Pharrell's fart residue, and that two out of the three could well be mega huge Green Day and mega fat Korn. Rumor has it that Jonathan Davies has requested a whole roasted cow in his tech rider.

We also heard the third act could well be a gay elephant singing Tom Jones songs. We cannot properly confirm this at the moment.

Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends (from American Idiot)

In the papers today...

Christian groups in London are launching advertisements on London's buses declaring that God exists. The ads are done in response to a month-long campaign by atheists that saw over 800 buses carrying the slogan "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life." Supporters from both parties have come out to claim that the other side's banners are offensive and inappropriate. Meanwhile, Jack Bauer released a press statement today, saying, "Can you guys stop using my name in vain."
This story reminds me of: Boy Without God - Holy Holy Little Fist (from Your Body Is Your Soul)

Preliminary artwork for the Devastator robot has been released for the upcoming Transformers sequel. Entitled Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen, the hotly anticipated summer movie will have over 40 robots, and a storyline that revolves something about a giant superbot called The Fallen who does some superbad superbot things. It also has Megan Fox. And then it also has... it also has... hang on, I had it on the tip of my tongue. It also... Ooo, tongue...Uhhh...Devasta... Oh, my tongue. Huhuh. I said tongue...
This story reminds me of: The Cinematic Orchestra - Transformation (from Les Ailes Pourpres: Le Mystère Des Flamants)

It was Charles Darwin's birthday last week, on 12 February. The dude woulda been 200 years old. Fifty years later, he and his sciency mate would release a book initially entitled On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life. Thirteen years later it would be shortened to The Origin of Species, but only after other suggested titles like and Smacktican the Vatican, My Momma Fed Me Broccoli Good and Oompa Loompas are Da Bomb were duly considered.
This story reminds me of: The Low Anthem - Charlie Darwin (from Oh My God, Charlie Darwin)

Cold Play

So anyway, we're here to tell you that our ultra reliable and meat-loving source has just informed us that it is confirmed, Coldplay will not be making an appearance at Sunburst music festival.

The onus is out on the reason but apparently it's a toss up between money 'difficulties' and Coldplay's asking price sky-rocketing after their Grammy sweep. Me, I'm thinking cause Chris Martin hates food. Probably why he's headed to our neighbours instead. Either that or he is gay. I have no either why this is relevant to anything but I just felt it had to be said.

Coldplay - Everything's Not Lost (from Parachutes)

Wah ... so exciting

Nevermind that Coldplay hangs in the balance and we're possibly left with the prospect of Chad Hugo closing what is supposedly our biggest music festival and the fact that our neighborhood rivals Singapore keep rolling in the big guns (the latest being Kaiser Chiefs on April 7), we've just been hit with news that the poor man's Dashboard Confessional, Secondhand Serenade is due for an appearance on our shores soon for an industry-only showcase.

If that doesn't wet your pants, I have no idea what will. Seeing as there are rumors that The Scorpions might be headed this way for a show. Rumor has it that they paid to play seeing as even that won't secure them any shows around the world. But hey, turns out we're nice and we've accepted a bid. Michael Learns to Rock, Jason Donovan and Winger (with local boys Wings opening, it's supposedly dubbed the Fly Me Into Your Bunghole Tour) have also been lined up.

Secondhand Serenade - Fall On You (from A Twist in My Story)

Word for the Week: Chinese

Because...

It's Chinese New Year. Oh, look at you wiki. Yes, you with the blue eyes and dimples. Let me tell you the next five things you're going to do. First, after your wikiing, you will read that this year, Chinese New Year fell last Monday 26th January. Second, you will scratch your sweaty crotch wondering why the heck it's still Chinese New Year. Third, you will then scroll down the Wiki page and read that Chinese New Year lasts 15 days. Fourth, you will stop scratching your sweaty crotch, and start smelling your pinky. Fifthly, you will Come back to this site feeling all culturally that, and proceed to deduce that since we are now in the 11th day of Chinese New Year, it is still Chinese New Year, and hence a post like this makes complete sense.

Dumb twat. It's Chinese New Year because on this day 34,045 weeks ago, Emperor Ham Mai Tai discovered the Awesome Angular Armpit maneuver, and pulled it off on 234,566 meerkats. They then bought him a Mogu pillow. That's totally deserving of restarting any year. You and your Wiki. Sheesh. Go swallow some chopsticks.

Grey Anne - Chinese New Year (from Facts n Figurines)
As per her stage name, Anne Adams puts some musky tints on the season's red overload.

Devendra Banhart - Chinese Children (from Cripple Crow)
"If I lived in China, I'd have some Chinese children," says Devendra. And then they'd wish their mummy was Natalie, and refer to you as "Devendla". So think twice, dude.

Clem Snide - Chinese Baby (from The Ghost of Fashion)
Eef Barzelay thinks that Chinese babies say "Boo hoo" when they cry. Oh please; when I cried I said... wait, what did I say again? Oh yes that's right, I never cried. I just snapped necks.

Blur - Chinese Bombs (from Blur)
Can't wait for July.

New Release: The Rest - Everyone All At Once

You know how everyone's in search of the next Arcade Fire? And you know how the next brilliant, unheralded Canadian band that puts out the next gobstopping album teeming with lilypads of frog-in-throat tunes will always be hailed as the next Arcade Fire? And you know how if justice reigns in the world, The Rest just might be the next Arcade Fire?

I totally feel it. And so, whenever I hear someone ask me for my thoughts on the next Arcade Fire, that in-bred spirit of selflessness and generosity automatically triggers within, and I have no choice but to become the exemplary helper that I can't help being, and subsequently lead them to the nearest shopping mall, and then to one of the passageways, and then haul in elephants to block all the exits, and then call my pet arsonist to come over and torch the mall. Because I too want people to discover the next Arcade Fire. I'm kind like that. I can't help it.

Track list:

1. Coughing Blood
2. Modern Time Travel (necessities)
3. Sheep In Wolves' Clothing
4. Phonetically, Phonetically
5. Apples & Allergies
6. Drinking Again
7. Blossom Babies Part Two
8. Walk on Water (auspicious beginnings)
9. The Lady Vanishes
10. Everything All At Once

Fad of the Land: The League Of Rock

The League of Rock. Has there been a badder, asser name for a new music initiative than this? Apparently it's like some community for people who were never in bands to spend 10 weeks of their life pretending their in a band, and they get to tour and record and...Oh, who gives a monkey's tail about what it does! It's the frakking League of Rock! Like, fugghetabout wussy names like LaLa or Pandora. It's the MF League Of MF Rock, y'all.

Huh? Whaddaya mean there's a badder assser name for another initiative! You tool! There's nothing badder or asser than a league! Oh...Yeah you got a point. A Platoon is pretty up there too. Ok, then how 'bout a... huh? Oh, a Troupe. Yeah that could work too. A Gaggle? Hmmm. The Gaggle of Rock. Dude, that's got a pretty good ring right there. You're a smart, tough cupcake, ain't ya? Come sit on my lap and read me some Beatrix Potter, why don't you.

Link: www.leagueofrock.com

El-P - The League Of Extraordinary Nobodies (from I'll Sleep When You're Dead)

Sunburst: Lupe Fiasco wants to come (but...)

You're probably wondering why in revealing that Lupe Fiasco is rumoured to be the latest addition to Malaysia's Sunburst Festival in March, I'm using a picture of his back.

Well let me tell you. It's basically because he d... hey shut up! Smarty aardvark! Oh, so because you also know that Lupe doesn't usually do festivals sponsored by beer companies, hence he's unlikely to come for this one, and so you think I'm using the photo as some kinda symbolism. Oh, you're like soooooo smart. Soooooo.

Ok sorry, I got distracted there by some putz. Yeah I know, it is seriously pissing off when someone distracts you just as you're trying to explain something, isn't it? I mean, especially when you're such a fully focused person who never gets distracted on his own. Like, I especially hate it when I'm in the middle of something, and then suddenly some person makes a comment that is totally unrelated, and then I have to correct the person, and then buy 16,000 MiG aircrafts so I can blast a 2-mile deep crater in that place he once called a house, before returning t...what!!!! There are only 15,343 MiGs in the world? How the heck am I supposed to do anything? Oh gosh, this life sucks. Yeah, a bit like the coffee at the corner shop near my office. Yeah actually that sucks a little more. Yeah. Good thing I'm so focused.

Lupe Fiasco - Go Go Gadget Flow (from The Cool)

Gig-gles: Mogwai Live in KL - 21 January 2009

You see in this life, there is what you would call good noise and then there is bad noise. And while I wholeheartedly agree that the furiously loud clink clang that Mogwai made a couple nights ago qualifies suitably as 'good noise', the sound of me belching after a heavy meal is actually just a rung above that in the 'good noise' ladder. Let's not get into me burping the Smurf theme song or farting 'You Got the Touch' from the Transformers cartoon movie because that will literally blow your mind.

So what is bad noise? Hmm ... good question captain, let me ask Sarah. Yes dear, so what do you think is ... what did you say? Oh the sound of me talking? Ha ha, that's a good one. You are so funny dear. You know, like 'har har' funny? Now put on this corset for me okay? Yes, no talk, as usual.

Mogwai - Christmas Song (from Mogwai [EP])

UPDATE: Sunburst: N.E.R.D, Foo Fighters and Erykah Badu added (plus Katy Perry?)

Update: Continuing from Pantsy's arseface rant, we want to just add that Coldplay has apparently signed on the dotted line and it's just 1/3 of N.E.R.D's that coming. There have also been talks of Prodigy as well as 311, who are about as relevant as my four-year old farts these days. Tickets went on sale yesterday for RM140.00 (early bird price). But yeah, you heard me right, no lineup has been announced. So unless you're me (the whole Jedi mind-reading thing), it's going to be a huge risk to buy one now. Lineup will be announced on Feb 6. If you need to know who's playing, call me*

*terms and conditions apply (mainly you have to be a hot chick. if you're not, then err ... ignore this message because it will self destruct in about five seconds, seriously. Go away. Boo)

[Note: The arsefaces at Blogger took down our original post (without prior notification). They cited some copyright dingaling as the reason, but we know the real truth: they're just scared of our overall undisputed awesomeness to fart better than them. Can't blame them. Arsefaces.]

When I was 6 years old, my ship captain, Captain Farty, took time off from skewering British Navy testicles over the bonfire to teach me the importance of making intelligent predictions about life based on the highly complex world of probabilities.

And so, years later, I would just like to take a short moment to share my utmost thanks to the man for equipping me with such priceless tools. Because of him, I learnt that the odds of a meteor landing on your house are 182,138,880,000,000 to 1, and that the chances of dying from heart disease are 1 in 3. And because I learnt such important lessons, today my house has a 90-foot thick, meteor-proof concrete roof, and I eat nothing but bacon fat and whipped cream. Because I'm a good student.

So anyways, having lived my whole successful life by these principles, I owe it to the world to share my priceless secrets, in hope that someone in the world will one day experience the kind of abundant living that I now experience (seriously, concrete roofs are the shizznit). And so as a proof of my prowess, I will now calculate the probability that N.E.R.D., Foo Fighters, Erykah Badu and Katy Perry will be coming for Malaysia's Sunburst Festival. Better yet, I will now calculate the probability that the line-up for Sunburst, based on all the utterly accurate bits of info we've received over the last few months will look like this:

Coldplay
Foo Fighters
N.E.R.D
Kings of Leon
Paramore
Snow Patrol
Erykah Badu
Katy Perry

Ok, you ready? Computing devices all on? Ok here we go.

Bzzzzzzzz.... Whrrrrrrr... Doooooot...

The odds of the above line-up coming is 1 in 5,005,564. Exactly the same odds as the odds of dying from contact with hot tap water. You know what that means right? Yup, donate 2 million dollars to the International Prevention from Death By Hot Tap Water Society, and start sending up-yours postcards to Coachella, Glastonbury and V Fest. Congrats, mate. You are halfway to becoming the master of probabilities. Thank you, Captain Farty, for enriching our lives.

Foo Fighters - Erase/Replace (from Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace)

Word for the Week: Little

Because...

It seems that "little" is this year's "deer", like "deer" was last year's "wolf". Huh? Band names? What band names? Of course I'm not talking about that! Doof. Didn't you read the first sentence properly? Last year, all wolves became deers. Dude! You missed that Animal Planet episode? Get a TV, man! So anyways, this year zoologists at the World Animal Nurture Kingdom Society (also known as WANKS) have advised deer owners to watch out for widespread shrinking of their deer. Shrinking to, like, really little. Like, puny. Punier than wolf. Which turned into deer. Which became little. Yeah, knew you'd get it.

Little Boots - Meddle (from Arecibo EP) [BUY]
BBC's new belle Victoria Hesketh gets props for being savvy with something called the Tenori-on. It's got flashy blue lights and makes beats. So does my garden—it makes turneaps and pumpkeans too. Hard to tour with, though.

Little Joy - Brand New Start (from Little Joy) [BUY]
Strokes drumboy Fabrizio Moretti trades the snare for the stables. I bet he's just trying to twang his way down Nicole Kidman's skirt.

Little Birdy - Brothers (from upcoming as-yet-untitled album) [BUY]
It's good to have these Aussie mates back, all clappy and harmonica-y and stuff. Wish all my Aussie mates were like that. Especially Hugh, the lout.

Little Teeth - Oh Drag (from Child Bearing Man) [BUY]
You know what's the littlest thing about a band with screeching female vocals? Your pipi at the end of it.

Sunburst: And now Coldplay are coming!

Wow, guess what we just found out? No, it's not that Pantsy has hamster-phobia, although that is true. What? No, it's not that my mother has a crush on Josh Groban, although that is also true.

But we've found out that whiny-rock kings Coldplay is the latest name attached to this Sunburst thing. Now all we need is a bra-wearing chicken choir and Sarah Wayne Callies with nothing on but a Gibson SG and we can die a peaceful death.

Coldplay - Fix You (live) (from X&Y) [BUY]