Rachel Yamagata heads to Singapore, 15 April

Yes, Singapore's concert scene has plenty going for it. Yes, Mercury Rev are opening for Coldplay, and yes, Kaiser Chiefs are a bitchin' live band, and yes, Of Montreal's live shows are known for Kevin Barnes dancing around with shaving cream on his scrawny bod.

And now Rachel Yamagata is going to Singapore for an Esplanade gig for the second time in three years. The Geek finds that about as exciting as Emanuelle Chriqui telling him she's into poodles instead of men, but for some chaps, news like this feels is equivalent to you transforming into a poodle. And if you're looking to find out how to transform into a poodle, then you should ask Megatron. his number is 1-800-FLUFFIE. Tell him Pantsy says "Sit".

Tickers are S$68 - S$118. For more info, click here.

Rachel Yamagata - Meet Me By The Water (from Happenstance)

Mercury Rev to play one hour set for Coldplay's S'pore show

You need not worry for me, padre. The Great Monkey God of Rauflafla told me yesterday that he alone knows all the answers to life. All I need to do is to bring him 14,000 pink panthers, 370 blue lagoons and 2 guavas, and he will explain to me the full meaning and reason behind why those who bought tickets to Coldplay's sold out Singapore concert will be treated to a one-hour opening set by Mercury Rev.

So yes, worry not, oh worrywart. When I return from Rauflafla, all shall be made known. What's that? Oh, you want to know why Knight Rider is worse than Lipstick Jungle. Ok, I'll ask the Great Monkey God about that too. Anything else? Ah of course. I'll make sure to ask why he has three balls. Good questions you got there. You should write a book. Call it Eh?.

Mercury Rev - Nocturne For Norwood (from Strange Attractor)

Sunfart unveils its final lineup

Us Pirates have gotten it right again, by damn it. Cause mega fat Korn and the sultry Erykah Badu will be propping up the Sunfart music festival this year as co-headliners.

Makes us almost wonder if anything we say will come true. So as such I am hereby declaring that I will be getting laid by three super ultra beta hot chicks in the next five-minutes and Pantsy will crap in his pants in the next three. Peace.

Go here to check out the full lineup.

Erykah Badu - Soldier (from New Amerykah Part One (4th World War))

Sunfart: Blue Skyes are a coming

So like the Sunfart idiots have confirmed a couple of other acts apparently and they aren't exactly of the Coldplay stadium-destroying variety but hey, who's keeping scores anyway? I stopped after I struck a home run and nailed the cheerleader. Baseball? Who? Me? I was talking about making out. What's 'sports'?

Anyway, apparently ex-Morcheeba singer Skye Edwards is one of those that are confirmed tagged to perform at the crap fest. The other is this accapella group called Naturall7. No pictures or songs for that one less you get herpes or something.

Skye - Love Show (from Mind How You Go)

Lets get lyrical, lyrical: Morrissey - Come Back To Camden

There is something I wanted to tell you,
It's so funny you'll kill yourself laughing
But then I, I look around,
And I remember that I am alone, Alone.
For evermore

The tile yard all along the railings,
Up a discoloured dark brown staircase
Here you'll find, despair and I,
Calling to you with what's left of my heart,
My heart,
For evermore

Drinking tea with the taste of the Thames,
Sullenly on a chair on the pavement
Here you'll find, my thoughts and I,
And here is the very last plea from my heart
My heart.
For evermore,

Where taxi drivers never stop talking
Under slate grey Victorian sky,
Here you will find, despair and I
And here I am every last inch of me is yours, Yours,
For evermore

Your leg came to rest against mine,
Then you lounged with knees up and apart
And me and my heart, we knew,
We just knew,
For evermore

Where taxi drivers never stop talking,
Under slate grey Victorian sky
Here you'll find, my heart and I,
And still we say come back,
Come back to Camden

And I'll be good,
I'll be good,
I'll be good,
I'll be good

Some people like Morrissey because he's a poet apparently, although in this song he just suggested we should drink tea that tastes like the Thames (which last I check is a taste likened to a cross between a sweaty fat man's armpit and a sweaty fat man's bung hole). Others like him because he's got the coolest haircut in this side of the music business (step1 - buy hair gel, step 2 - pour all gel on to head).

I like him because he obviously likes guns. Only a man that's willing to use one would pose with one on an album cover.

Morrissey - Come Back to Camden (from You Are The Quarry)

Faux B-Side of the Week: Vintage Future

The Raveonettes
Vintage Future (from the Sometimes They Drop By EP)
(Vice Records)

There are six reasons why in the future everybody will dress up like vitamin c pills.

1. People are already dressing up like vitamin c pills.
2. Thirty years ago, everybody also dressed up like vitamin c pills.
3. My nurse dresses up like vitamin c pills.
4. Vitamin c pill dresses are easy to take off, which, if you're a chick in my immediate vicinity, matters.

But you know what? These things don't really matter to me because I can see through what you're wearing anyway. Cotton? Blah. Polyester? Pieceofcake. Synthetic rubber wet-suit glistening with mid-afternoon raindrops? Boh-ring. So really, you might as well give up now. Yeah, darling. It's pointless. Ah yes. Clever girl.

The Raveonettes - Vintage Future

Look what I found in the bargain bin

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
Howl
(RCA)

Price: RM10

It was raining. One of those torrential nights that made you wonder what they meant by hellfire. That bastard Pantsy hauled me into his office, told his gerbils to leave us alone and proceeded to remind me about the core business of Pirates of the Bargain Bin.

"What bin, Genusfrog?"

"Bb..."

"In English, amphibian."

"Bargain, sir. Bargain bin."

"Good. About time you found yourself one."

The bastard.

And then, thunder. Hollow, soulless thunder, lean as the days. Trudging down to Chinatown, I thought, maybe this was it. The end of my line. Cold rain and doubt. And that was when I saw her.

Watching me from the glass panel of Ah Fook Restaurant, she glowed invitingly. No, I couldn't. Just resist you dumb lug. You'll never afford her. She'll have you weak. She'll hold you ransom, buddy. You'll never afford her.

But resist her I couldn't.

"How much for the pork belly? I want all of it."

"Ten dollar. Very cheap."

That was it. My reprieve. It poured buckets but I made it back before midnight. Back before he left. That bastard gerbil lover.

"Ten bucks."

He refused to smile but the belly was glowing. Shone like an angel. My angel.

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Devil's Waitin' (from Howl)

The Sick Sick Six: Six Worst Things You Can Bump Into At Night

So lately your friendly neighborhood handsome world saver (me) has been lazing back and taking in some serious literary classics. And by classics I mean the mind-blowing brilliance that is Supernatural, a TV series about two brothers who meet tons of hot chicks while hunting evil goons/monsters in the night. Ah, the life, and booty.

Which got me thinking (which means something is really good because 'little ol' powerful me don't think for anything. In fact, I just don't think, period. Yeah!) about what are some of the worst things you can meet when you're walking down the street alone at night. Proceed carefully because you may never return, or if you're a hot chick, you might end up in my house.

The Postman
Not just any postman, but 'The' Postman. Yes, the one who hands you your credit card bills and brochures about penile implants. Don't say we did not warn you. Apparently he has a mustache too.
American Analog Set - The Postman (from Off the Wall)

The Moviegoer
Do you know what happens when you've consumed a large Coke and two large buckets of popcorn? You become The Moviegoer. Which is essentially like any moviegoer except fatter and slower so you can outrun his ass. Okay, maybe this one should not be on this list.
Neko Case - The Moviegoer (from Several Arrows Later)

Genghis Khan
I rest my case on this one. What? He's dead? Look everyone's alive until proven otherwise. They found his remains? Possibly not his. My wife's hot? You betcha.
Nico - Genghis Khan (from Drama of Exile)

A Crazy-ass Poet
Can you think of anything worst than some crazy-ass poet tailing you on some dark street and reading you a piece about how 'you're a gentle flower' or how 'you're going to gallop like a strong horse'?
Ryan Adams - Sylvia Plath (from Gold)

Something You Don't Know Shit About
I have no idea what the hell is a wraith but whatever that can be pinned to the mist sounds scary as hell. How do I know that? Cause I can't be pinned to the mist and I am friendly and hot, now get out of my sight and go get me some chicken skin pudding.
Of Montreal - Wraith Pinned to the Mist (from The Sunlandic Twins)

Something With a Name You Cannot Pronounce
I have done extensive studies on the subject and have found that Sigur Ros is actually singing about the Loch Ness Monster in the song below. Or specifically, a Loch Ness Monster that loves medicine and blond girls.
Sigur Ros - Með Blóðnasir (from Takk)

Sunburst/fart: Psst psst ... so this is what we heard

So what we've heard is that the Sunfart jokes are trying to secure three more acts to make up the final lineup for the fest, which at the moment consists of basically Pharrell's fart residue, and that two out of the three could well be mega huge Green Day and mega fat Korn. Rumor has it that Jonathan Davies has requested a whole roasted cow in his tech rider.

We also heard the third act could well be a gay elephant singing Tom Jones songs. We cannot properly confirm this at the moment.

Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends (from American Idiot)

In the papers today...

Christian groups in London are launching advertisements on London's buses declaring that God exists. The ads are done in response to a month-long campaign by atheists that saw over 800 buses carrying the slogan "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life." Supporters from both parties have come out to claim that the other side's banners are offensive and inappropriate. Meanwhile, Jack Bauer released a press statement today, saying, "Can you guys stop using my name in vain."
This story reminds me of: Boy Without God - Holy Holy Little Fist (from Your Body Is Your Soul)

Preliminary artwork for the Devastator robot has been released for the upcoming Transformers sequel. Entitled Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen, the hotly anticipated summer movie will have over 40 robots, and a storyline that revolves something about a giant superbot called The Fallen who does some superbad superbot things. It also has Megan Fox. And then it also has... it also has... hang on, I had it on the tip of my tongue. It also... Ooo, tongue...Uhhh...Devasta... Oh, my tongue. Huhuh. I said tongue...
This story reminds me of: The Cinematic Orchestra - Transformation (from Les Ailes Pourpres: Le Mystère Des Flamants)

It was Charles Darwin's birthday last week, on 12 February. The dude woulda been 200 years old. Fifty years later, he and his sciency mate would release a book initially entitled On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life. Thirteen years later it would be shortened to The Origin of Species, but only after other suggested titles like and Smacktican the Vatican, My Momma Fed Me Broccoli Good and Oompa Loompas are Da Bomb were duly considered.
This story reminds me of: The Low Anthem - Charlie Darwin (from Oh My God, Charlie Darwin)

Cold Play

So anyway, we're here to tell you that our ultra reliable and meat-loving source has just informed us that it is confirmed, Coldplay will not be making an appearance at Sunburst music festival.

The onus is out on the reason but apparently it's a toss up between money 'difficulties' and Coldplay's asking price sky-rocketing after their Grammy sweep. Me, I'm thinking cause Chris Martin hates food. Probably why he's headed to our neighbours instead. Either that or he is gay. I have no either why this is relevant to anything but I just felt it had to be said.

Coldplay - Everything's Not Lost (from Parachutes)

Wah ... so exciting

Nevermind that Coldplay hangs in the balance and we're possibly left with the prospect of Chad Hugo closing what is supposedly our biggest music festival and the fact that our neighborhood rivals Singapore keep rolling in the big guns (the latest being Kaiser Chiefs on April 7), we've just been hit with news that the poor man's Dashboard Confessional, Secondhand Serenade is due for an appearance on our shores soon for an industry-only showcase.

If that doesn't wet your pants, I have no idea what will. Seeing as there are rumors that The Scorpions might be headed this way for a show. Rumor has it that they paid to play seeing as even that won't secure them any shows around the world. But hey, turns out we're nice and we've accepted a bid. Michael Learns to Rock, Jason Donovan and Winger (with local boys Wings opening, it's supposedly dubbed the Fly Me Into Your Bunghole Tour) have also been lined up.

Secondhand Serenade - Fall On You (from A Twist in My Story)

Word for the Week: Chinese

Because...

It's Chinese New Year. Oh, look at you wiki. Yes, you with the blue eyes and dimples. Let me tell you the next five things you're going to do. First, after your wikiing, you will read that this year, Chinese New Year fell last Monday 26th January. Second, you will scratch your sweaty crotch wondering why the heck it's still Chinese New Year. Third, you will then scroll down the Wiki page and read that Chinese New Year lasts 15 days. Fourth, you will stop scratching your sweaty crotch, and start smelling your pinky. Fifthly, you will Come back to this site feeling all culturally that, and proceed to deduce that since we are now in the 11th day of Chinese New Year, it is still Chinese New Year, and hence a post like this makes complete sense.

Dumb twat. It's Chinese New Year because on this day 34,045 weeks ago, Emperor Ham Mai Tai discovered the Awesome Angular Armpit maneuver, and pulled it off on 234,566 meerkats. They then bought him a Mogu pillow. That's totally deserving of restarting any year. You and your Wiki. Sheesh. Go swallow some chopsticks.

Grey Anne - Chinese New Year (from Facts n Figurines)
As per her stage name, Anne Adams puts some musky tints on the season's red overload.

Devendra Banhart - Chinese Children (from Cripple Crow)
"If I lived in China, I'd have some Chinese children," says Devendra. And then they'd wish their mummy was Natalie, and refer to you as "Devendla". So think twice, dude.

Clem Snide - Chinese Baby (from The Ghost of Fashion)
Eef Barzelay thinks that Chinese babies say "Boo hoo" when they cry. Oh please; when I cried I said... wait, what did I say again? Oh yes that's right, I never cried. I just snapped necks.

Blur - Chinese Bombs (from Blur)
Can't wait for July.

New Release: The Rest - Everyone All At Once

You know how everyone's in search of the next Arcade Fire? And you know how the next brilliant, unheralded Canadian band that puts out the next gobstopping album teeming with lilypads of frog-in-throat tunes will always be hailed as the next Arcade Fire? And you know how if justice reigns in the world, The Rest just might be the next Arcade Fire?

I totally feel it. And so, whenever I hear someone ask me for my thoughts on the next Arcade Fire, that in-bred spirit of selflessness and generosity automatically triggers within, and I have no choice but to become the exemplary helper that I can't help being, and subsequently lead them to the nearest shopping mall, and then to one of the passageways, and then haul in elephants to block all the exits, and then call my pet arsonist to come over and torch the mall. Because I too want people to discover the next Arcade Fire. I'm kind like that. I can't help it.

Track list:

1. Coughing Blood
2. Modern Time Travel (necessities)
3. Sheep In Wolves' Clothing
4. Phonetically, Phonetically
5. Apples & Allergies
6. Drinking Again
7. Blossom Babies Part Two
8. Walk on Water (auspicious beginnings)
9. The Lady Vanishes
10. Everything All At Once