The Unhappy Sufjan Stevens Fans Campaign: #3 Filomena

Filomena

Fishers Indiana

Hello. My name is Filomena and I come from Fishers Indiana. I know, I know, my name rhymes with "Milo does not taste anything like Ribena". I'll have you know that was not the express wish of my mother when she named me. But that's beside the point. The point is that I want Sufjan Stevens to do an album about my home state, Indiana. We're just next to Illinois and they've already got one. Also, I also want to neck with Sufjan Stevens. Yes, if you look really closely, you might see that I've got two necks. I had it surgically done like that so that my head only turns a total of 10 degrees left and right. The lack of oscillatoric options is a small price to pay for the increased surface area for necking, not to mention having incredible possibilities in wearing both standard collared tops and plunging necklines at the same time. Oh what's that? Why am I hiding a bloody knife behind me? What bloody knife? Oh this bloody knife! Yeah. That's for the third neck. Surgical stuff. 

Sufjan Stevens - Siamese Twins (from A Sun Came Up)

Trail of Dead will be decimating Bangkok on 21 May

First we had a band named after the sound of a machine gun and now we have a band named after a bold declaration to kick butt. This completely confirms my suspicion that Asians kick more ass, as such only the bands with kick ass names are allowed to play in these parts.

Why Asians are more kick ass? I have a theory, it's because we know 'kung-fu'. Serious. All Asians are put through 'kung-fu' school when they reach 14, yours truly included. I mastered the 'karate chop', going to the top of the class in 'Karate Chop 101'.

And since then I've gone on to master the 'Chicken Chop', usually grilled crispy and with brown sauce.

... And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead - Crowning of a Heart (from The Secret of Elena's Tomb)

Ratatat is coming to KL - May 28

Ratatat are quite possibly the coolest act in the world. If they wanted to, they probably could be cooler than John Lennon. If they really wanted to, they probably could be cooler than Win Butler. If they really really wanted to, they probably could be cooler than Barack Obama. If they seriously really really really wanted to to, they could easily be cooler than Godzilla (it would be close but they could well be cooler)

Music? What the hell is that? No, they're cool cause they are named after the sound my machine gun makes, which my friends, is the sound of love. In that I held it to Megan's head and told her to marry me. We've been married ever since. True story.

Ratatat - Wildcat (from Classics)

B-Side of the Week - Going Down

The Stone Roses

Going Down (from the Made Of Stone single)

(Silvertone)

This morning, for some inexplicable reason, I started to feel nostalgic. 

So I called my grandson over and started to tell him stories about his family. How his great, great grandfather came from China by boat, how his great grandfather returned to the motherland as a scholar, how the cultural revolution broke his heart so, and how his grandfather became a red guard to rebel against his frugal father, and how his grandfather's four sons all became red giant water lizards to rebel against their father, and how these four giant water lizards terrorised Tokyo's greater subeterranea while everyone thought Godzilla was the real threat, and how one day a flight attendant crawled into the sewer to hide from Godzilla, and how one of the lizards, upon meeting this flight attendant, decided to jump her from behind because she looked so hot in her Japan Air uniform, and how in the next four minutes, that flight attendant became his grandmother. 

Ah, such good days.

The Stone Roses - Going Down

Mew Live in Bandung, Indonesia - 4th August, 2009

Dear Mr. Frengers

I just want to say I liked your first album a lot (it's the first right?). I believe it's a self titled album named after yourself Mew Frengers. Anyways, it has nice guitars, some ball-busting vocals and quite possibly the most lovely song ever written ('Symmetry').

Anyways I heard that you will be playing in Bandung in August so I was just wondering if you would mind making a stop over to this side of the continent as well. Yeah, that's M-A-L-A-Y-S-I-A. It would seriously mean a lot to us. And yes there are a lot of people who seriously love you, even though you're named after a Pokemon character.

Yours truly,

The Geek

Mew - Am I Wry? No (from Frengers)

Look what I found in the bargain bin

The Twilight Sad
Fourteen Autumns Fifteen Winters
(Fat Cat)

Price: RM10.00

Are my eyes deceiving me? Could it really be going for that price? I honestly cannot believe this would be true. It's like a dream. An unbelievable dream, with sexy centerfold posters and melted butter. Okay maybe a little better than that. Yeah, I just have to rub my eyes another time just to be sure I am not seeing things (rub).

It is true.

BBQ chicken wings for only 0.99 cents.

Yum.

The Twilight Sad - Cold Days from the Birdhouse (from Fourteen Autumns Fifteen Winters)

The Unhappy Sufjan Stevens Fans Campaign: #2 Edgar

Edgar

Lakecreek, Oregon

Hello. My name is Edgar and I am half octopus. Listen, I don't want to hear anyone sniggering alrite. My mum told me from young that I should be proud to be half-octopus, because she's proud to be the kind of woman who has sex with squids. I just wanna come out here and say that I wish Sufjan Stevens would release an album for my home state of Oregon. It is the home of such a wonderful slice of American life. Take my aunt for instance. She's been married to a cardboard cutout of Lorenzo Lamas since 1988 and has sired four lovely... why are you laughing? Hey, you. Yeah, what's so funny? No, I happen to think he's very good looking. Of course I watched Falcon Crest. What? No, you stupidhead. The Carringtons were from Dynasty. Anyways, so yeah. I was saying. Oregon is a neat place. 

Sufjan Stevens - Black Hawk War, or, How To Destroy An Entire Civilisation (from Illinoise)

Look what I found in the bargain bin

Pete Yorn
musicforthemorningafter
(Columbia)

Price: RM3.00

Let's play a game. The rules are simple. It's basically based on one question - what can you buy with RM3.00? The person that comes up with the most kick-ass thing, wins.

Okay let's have it. Oh, a packet of fruit you say? What? Oh, Jude Law's chest hair. How about you? A strawberry-flavored lolly. Right, right. Oh me? A packet of T-Rex flavored chips. I win?? Are you serious? Thankyouthankyou.

I want to thank my lovely wife Megan, who some may say might be held against her will but that's just a definition problem. I want to thank also ... eh, yeah that's it.

Pete Yorn - Just Another (from musicforthemorningafter)

The Unhappy Sufjan Stevens Fans Campaign: #1 Horacio

Horacio

Polk, Nebraska

Hi. My name is Horacio. If you think I look ordinary, it's because you've failed to realise that I have feet growing where my hands should be. So you think this sounds fun? Well, it isn't. It's hard to caress women when you're anatomically confused, and nobody cheers when I do handstands. And really, all I want in this world is to caress women. Like, lots of women. You know, like, you get what I mean. Lots and lots of them. And I also want Sufjan Stevens to release an album about the state that I call home. Stop making me wait you jerk. The doctors say that I can only caress women normally once Sufjan Stevens releases an album called Nebraska. I'm not young anymore, Mr Stevens. So please. The next time you pick up your damn guitar, think of me and how much I long to have a woman in my legs. 

Sufjan Stevens - Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing (live from the Knitting Factory)

The Sick Sick Six: The Geek's 6 Favorite Wives

So I've been around the block before. And by around the block I mean I've been married 168,907 times. Which is about 168,906 times more than the average person. Bigger number = bigger man. Anyways, I've taken some time out of my cosmic-saving duties to highlight 6 women that have enriched my life like no one has before. With their solid bodies, unbelievably good features and long flowing hair. They need not speak. In fact, it was better that they did not. Actually I forbade them to.

Megan Fox

She's made out on Bumblebee before. That fact alone is enough for me to marry her and make babies. Actually come to think of it, let's skip the marrying bit and just make babies. And while we're at it, let's remove the babies. Yeah, real slow, yeah yes perfect.
Megan Palmer - Tomorrows (from Forget Me Not)




Olivia Wilde

I had this doctor 'thing' once. No no not that I wanted to be a doctor. Although, it gave me the opportunity to 'examine' chicks. So I did the next best thing - i started examining a chick doctor. And then my life was complete.
Olivia Tremor Control - Jumping Fences (from Dusk at Cubist Castle)

AJ Cook

I know a good FBI agent when I see one. They usually have long blonde hair, tight hips and insanely hot features. Ability to hold a gun? Ooo yeah.
AJ Draper and the Forces of Nature - Stars Are Blind (Paris Hilton) (from Mix 14)





Sarah Wayne Callies

As you can see, I truly like doctors. I respect them for their intellect, their willingness to heal society and their hot bods. Yeah baby, come poke me with one o' em needles. Yup just like that.
Sarah Shannon - City Morning Song (from City Morning Song)





Emmanuelle Chriqui

There was a time when I was into women with names I can't pronounce, so that was when Emmanuelle came into my life. But I soon learned how to pronounce her name so I cheated on her and moved on to Carylynxn Aprovinacichowlr, who incidentally broke my back and transported me to an alternate dimension where camels lived on beer and Rosie O'Donnell was some super model. Turns out Carylnxn was an alien.
Emmanuelle Seigner - Je Prie Pour Nous (from Backstage)

Petra Nemcova

Ah my first love. She was so special to me. For all of 47 hours, and then I got bored. Then James Blunt appeared. And I said, "Be my guest".
Petra Hayden - Don't Stop Believing (from Guilt By Association)

B-side of the Week - I'm Just Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail

Richard Hawley

I'm Just Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail (from the Born Under A Bad Sign single)

(Mute)

Ladies and gentlemen, this is I'm Just Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail. It's from the Born Under a Bad Sign single. What? Oh, you don't know that record? It's from Richard Hawley. I think it's like his sixth or seventh single. Yeah. Oh, sorry. I shouldn't have assumed. Richard Hawley is the former guitarist of Pulp. Yeah. Ha? What's Pulp? Oh... errr... well, Pulp was this band that had been around since the 1980s but came to mainstream prominence during the mid-90s when they rode the crest of the Britpop wave on the back of their album A Different... ah? Oh sorry. What's Britpop? Well, Britpop... errr... was like, this musical movement that happened in Britain from the early 90s that's characterised by revissionist... wait. Yeah, sorry what was that? What's Britain? Oh Britain is this like country. Well, not really a country, but Britain is made up of four countries, England, Scotland, Wales and.... yes? You got another question? What's a country? Errr.... a country is like a sovereign piece of land, you know, with it's own government. What? What's a piece of land? Well... errrr...... land is like, the stuff under your feet. No, it's not like asadi slippers. No. No. This is a B-side. You know? CD? Music? Rock n Roll? What? Oh lord no. That's next door! This is Pirates of the Bargain Bin. Bargain. Yeah. Next door. I think you only start at four o'clock. Yeah. No, it's ok. That's fine. Have a good session. 

Bastards.

Richard Hawley - I'm Just Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail

B-side of the Week - Vicar In A Tutu

The Smiths

Vicar In A Tutu (from the Panic single)

(Rough Trade)

I've been doing a bit of research recently about animal rearing laws in French Guyana and I found this in the Transportation, Farm & War Animal Tax & Duties Act 1971:

"Section 1091P(2)(a)

The acquiring of the following beasts is not exempt from GST if the acquiring is for private purposes and for the purposes of dairy produce, meat, and farming labour:

(a) long-haired Mexican cows

(b) short-haired Mexican cows

(c) goats

(d) white sheep

(e) black sheep

(f) buffalo

(g) Anggora rabbits

(h) dwarf rabbits

(i) ferrets

(j) uruk hai

(k) ducks, and

(l) geese."

Did you see that? Did you see that? I know, I can barely believe my eyes! Ducks! How will I ever set up my duck farm in French Guyana now that I've to pay GST for selling them for the purposes of farming labour? Rubbish! Useless country! I hate! I hate!

The Smiths - Vicar In A Tutu

Gig-gles: Oasis Live in Singapore - 5th April, 2009

So us Pirates were there, watching Liam NOT talk to Noel, watching Liam pinch Gem's butt, watching Andy Bell's ability to not move at all, watching in horror as Noel walked around in his white pants, watching Gem trying to to do a Who, watching as my hands reached over and grope the girl's butt in front of me (learning from Liam), watching that huge Indian guy in front of me swing his arm at me, watching them bright lights ...

*Thud*

Waking up in a hospital, watching a guy that has lost his legs limp pass me, watching that geeky looking doctor trying to chat up some hot patient, watching people watching other people, watching my tray of food and trying to will it to become a stack of pork ribs, watching them hot nurses, pinching them hot nurse's butt, watching as the nurse stabs my eyes with a syringe, watching them bright lights ...

*Thud*

Yup, that's what Oasis did for me.

Oasis - Live Forever (from Definitely Maybe)