In the papers today...

A cross-eyed opossum in Germany has become an Internet sensation. Heidi the opossum has earned herself 65,000 friends on Facebook by virtue of being cross-eyed. The opossum was abandoned at an animal shelter in the United States before being picked up and sent to Germany, and her handlers attribute her condition to a combination of her previous diet and a possible build up of fat deposits behind her eyes. Nevertheless, Heidi has already expanded on her fame to open a Twitter account, where her first tweet was "My marble table is way doper than Kanye's. Sucka."

This story reminds me of: Lady Lazarus - The Eye In The Eye Of The Storm (from Mantic)

An American soldier who went AWOL has turned himself in, and has been ordered to complete his one-year tour of duty. Jeff Hanks cited mental health problems as his reason for going AWOL, and returned to North Carolina in the middle of his stint in Afghanistan. Nevertheless, he turned himself in on Veterans Day, even though he insists his mental health has not been cured. When reporters visited his home to find out why, they discovered that actually he decided to return because his version of Football Manager didn't have Kenny Dalglish as Liverpool's manager, which totally bummed him out.

This story reminds me of: Hujan - Lonely Soldier Boy (from Lonely Soldier Boy)

American police in Idaho are investigating the case of a stalker who has been leaving severed animal heads on the front porch of a family. The unidentified man has so far left the heads of an elk and a mule, as well as the remains of a bunny. The police have cited this as being fairly reminiscent of scenes from The Godfather and Fatal Attraction. However, a reporter who met with the stalker said that actually, the stalker is trying to recreate the characters from Shrek, except that he can't find a cat, so he's replacing it with a bunny and naming it Hops 'n Clops. He also said to tell him if anyone spots a sexy dragon he can behead.

This story reminds me of: Conquering Animal Sound - Bear (from Kammerspiel)