Friday, January 7, 2011

The Sick Sick Six: how to journey through new year illness

Have you started the new year sick? Well, then you have done the right thing in reading this blog entry. Because two of us three pirates have also fallen sick to begin the new year. And so as part of our continued quest towards personal improvement, we made it our new year's resolution to give top notch advice on everything that happens to us. Yes, so look forward to more entries on how to walk from the bed to the bathroom, how to pick up a teaspoon, and how to turn a beanbag into a Tron-blasting cannon. Yes, we want to share everything we do.

Stage 1: realising you are sick
As all good AA groups tell us, the first step comes in admitting you have a problem. So go ahead, join us and say those three important words: I... am... sycamore tree! Eh err, sorry. Not sure what came over us there. Let's try again. I... am... sincerely not sick I'm as fit as a finch, thank you! Oh teehee. What happened? Ah yes, those three words. Let's go: I... am... shooting fireworks outta yo wimpy rumpface, yo wuss and a half! Neh neh nehneh neh neh, weak'n'turdy teh teh!
Le Vice - Hard To Be Ill (from Le Vice)

Stage 2: coughing
So you've done the confession? (So did we.) Well done. It will definitely help you to cope with the first clear symptoms, which is the hacking cough. In other cases, you might also catch the slashing cough, or the chainsawing cough, or the rattatat on yo fatfatcat cough. But most times, the cough just hacks. Let it hack.
Menomena - Cough Coughing (from I Am The Fun Blame Monster)

Stage 3: catching the cold
Soon, the cold sets in. Some people say that the best way to counter the cold is to drink green tea. We say press B to block, then left + A to counter uppercut. Works 43.2% of the time.
Inch Chua - Cold, Conned & Conquered (from Wallflower)

Stage 4: catching the flu
Catching the flu is a very important step in your journey through new year illness. It will prevent the flu from becoming the fly. It's harder to catch the fly.
M.I.A. - Bird Flu (from Kala)

Stage 5: the fever
Eventually, your head feels hot. We know how that feels. There was one time Genusfrog complained that his head felt hot, so we instantly recognised that he was developing a fever, and we quickly shoved 4 Panadols down this throat. He kept insisting that it was because he had a bag of dynamite tied around his neck, but you see, that's another sign of fever: giving weak excuses for not wanting any medicine. Don't accept it.
Them:Youth - Fever Rising (from Fever Rising)

Stage 6: playing games
We have arrived at the most important of this six-stage process: taking full advantage of your sickness to develop yourself. Yes, we're talking about maximising potential and achieving goals even in the downest of times. So please follow our model for growth, and catch up on Mad Men, throw chicken bones at your neighbour's poodle and pee on your house plants. It's time to become the better you.
Guided by Voices - Game of Pricks (from The Best of Guided By Voices: Human Amusements At Hourly Rates)
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