This Week's Track 9: Attic Lights - Late Night Sunshine

So that's supposed to be ironic right?

Cause there's in actual fact no such thing as 'late night sunshine'. Just like there's in actual fact no such thing as 'fat-free KFC'. Or 'non-alcoholic booze'. Cause if you think these things exist then you must be Kirk Hamett. No, not Kirk Hammett, the lead guitarist of Metallica but Kirk Hammett, the gay man with Michael Bolton hair.

What? Same person? No way. You're funny man.

Attic Lights - Late Night Sunshine (from Friday Night Lights)

Handsome Furs Asia Tour 2009: It's going to be hairy

Handsome Furs? Ha ha ha. What other names will they come up with next I wonder. I mean, fur's fur you know? You can't exactly tell when one of them is Hugh Jackman's equivalent and when one of them looks like me. Jackman's the butt-ugly one of course.

Although, I have to say that someone once told me, 'Hey, pretty pubic' before. But then I just assumed they were talking about my hairdo cause you know how I'm a dickhead ha ha ha. Get it? Get it? Eh, why are you not laughing?

Tour Dates:

Date: 10th September 2009 (Thursday)
Venue: Vasco’s, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam

Date: 11th September 2009 (Friday)
Venue: Gio Song Hong, Hanoi, Vietnam

Date: 12th September 2009 (Saturday)
Venue: Club Culture, Bangkok, Thailand

Date: 18th September 2009 (Friday)
Venue: Home Club, Singapore

More info here

Handsome Furs - What We Had (from Plague Park)

Opeth Live in Singapore: November 2009

Looking at these Swedish death-metallers, one thing is definitely certain - to continue to be an ass-kicking metal band, one should always have beards, long hair and leather jackets. Taking pictures in dark blue-light rooms makes some difference too. Do none of these things and you might turn out like Metallica, which basically is the equivalent of being gay, or worst, Kirk Hammett.

Opeth - Epilogue (from My Arms, Your Hearse)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: The Promise Ring - Stop Playing Guitar

So if I had a dime for every time I should've
Stopped playing guitar and put my nose in a book
Then my head would be healthy and my guitar would be dusty
And that just might save me from a bunch of bad songs
So maybe I'm too polite just like good Moses
But just like good manners we've had enough of them

Yeah yeah oh yeah yeah oh yeah
And now we’re moving a little bit slow
Yeah oh yeah yeah oh yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Another round for my friends I'll get paid back later
When evening turns midnight I'll be just getting warm
I know you're hot and you're bothered now your skin’s going crazy
It’s one hundred degrees and you've got a sweater on
So I'd like to come off the side of the kitchen
So when this party’s ending I'll be taking your number home

Yeah yeah oh yeah yeah oh yeah
And now we’re moving a little bit slow
Yeah oh yeah yeah oh yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah oh yeah yeah oh yeah
Yeah yeah oh yeah yeah oh yeah
Now were moving a little bit slow

I like books better than
Movies and present tense
And I can keep up with them
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Stop playing guitar
Stop playing guitar

Oh see that's a novel idea - proclaim a menial duty/task/talent you've given up on and turn it into a song. I mean who would have thought anyone would bother about something like that. In that spirit and inspiration, I have recorded myself an album. It's called Stop ... Shh, it's a 'concept' album. Here's the tracklisting.

1. Stop Starting a Song and Not Finish It
2. Stop Ironing Clothes
3. Stop Washing Clothes
4. Stop Wearing Clothes
5. Stop Eating Little Children
6. Stop Cracking Mirrors With My Awesome Good Looks
7. Stop Thinking About Christina when Rachel is Around
8. Stop Shagging Not-So-Hot Girls Pt 1
9. Stop Shagging Not-So-Hot Girls Pt 2
10. Stop Writing and Recording Albums Within 8.5 hours

The Promise Ring - Stop Playing Guitar (from Wood/Water)

The All-American Rejects Live in Malaysia: Yes, again

Finding out that The All-American Rejects is coming to town again so soon after their appearance at the MTV World Stage show over the weekend is like that time when I handed up the same assignment three times to the same lecturer.

She accepted it the first time of course, and gave me a seriously irritated look when I tried to hand it up again. By the third time, she put me on her lap and spanked me, which had me considering handing it up a fourth time until I found out she was a man.

Not saying anything but Tyson, got to seriously watch out for them tranny teachers if you keep doing this man.

The All-American Rejects - Your Star (from The All-American Rejects)

Sepultura SEA Tour 2009: December you worms!

Many people would've been waiting a long time for this. I remember I was waiting for this once though, I waited and waited until I turned soft and started listening to Bon Jovi. Life has not been the same since. Look at my headband. It's a better life.

Anyways, as legendary as the wait has been and as heavy as the band's music has grown over the years, I can't help but wonder one thing. Isn't the guy on the extreme left in the picture above looks extremely gay? I mean from here, it looks like he just wandered in from a gay photo shoot. Dude, you need some hair, cause hair is like metal you know?

Tour dates:

Date: 4th December 2009 (Friday)
Venue: Tennis Indoor Senayan, Jakarta, Indonesia

Date: 5th December 2009 (Saturday)
Venue: TBA, Malaysia

Date: 6th December 2009 (Sunday)
Venue: TBA, Singapore

Date: 8th December 2009 (Tuesday)
Venue: TBA, Thailand

Sepultura - Kaiowas (from Chaos A.D.)

This Week's Track 9: Counting Crows - Speedway

We've always talked about why track 9s have a raw deal because they are usually sucky so as such they are placed somewhere that's the equivalent to Uma, Arizona and (not) my butthole on an album track list.

But this one's different. This one's actually quite good.

Why? Because this one's fast. Why fast is good? Because being fast is better than being slow. Yup, it's that simple. Life is simple. And yes, it's also 'fast' because it has the word 'speed' in its title. And someone long ago once told me, everything's in the name. Which is why I have just renamed myself Shagedelically Beautiful Man of the Photon Cannon. In case you're wondering, my last name is now 'Cannon'.

Counting Crows - Speedway (from This Desert Life)

Emowa ... errr ... Soundwave Festival 2010

I used to be an emo kid.

What that entails is that I would sit around and cry when someone snatched my ice cream in school and routinely wet my bed when I have dreams. What most people don't know is that I wet my bed because they were dreams of Rachel (yeah I was in love with her then too, before she became famous and before I've seen her, because I am well ... a prophet). Wet dreams ha ha, get it? Wet ... never mind.

Here's the emo-tastic (old and new) lineup of the fest:

Faith No More, Jane's Addiction, My Chemical Romance, AFI, Paramore, Him, Alexisonfire, Taking Back Sunday, Trivium, Sunny Day Real Estate, Eagles of Death Metal, The Get Up Kids, Reel Big Fish, Meshuggah, All Time Low, A Day To Remember, It Dies Today, Escape The Fate, Clutch, Anti Flag, Isis, Gallows, A Wilhelm Scream, Theweakerthans, Emarosa, Anvil, The Devil Wears Prada, Comeback Kid, The Almost, Dance Gavin Dance, Four Year Strong, You Me At Six, White Chapel, The Aquabats, Rolo Tomassi, Baroness, RX Bandits, Maximum The Hormone, The Creepshow

Sunny Day Real Estate - The Ocean (from The Rising Tide)
The Get Up Kids - Don't Hate Me (from Four Minute Mile)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Hope of the States - Enemies/Friends

Lately in the hospitals
The halfway homes and choking jails
There's people on the mend again
With hope to carry on again
It makes me feel that something's right
For everyone who tries to fight
No politics or dirty tricks
All standing up and shouting out

All the money in the world won't save you
We're coming home
All the prisons that you build won't hold us
Just let us go

Then I found a broken heart
The dusty wheezing-thing won't start
I'll fix it up and watch it grow
And send it to a happy home
It don't take much to raise a smile
To push yourself the extra mile
I'll stand with you when things go wrong
And lie and say it's not too long

All the money in the world won't save you
We're coming home
All the prisons that you build won't hold us
Just let us go

Come on people
Keep your friends close
Your enemies won't matter in the end
Come on people
Keep your friends close
Your enemies won't matter in the end
In the end
In the end

I've taken this song's advice. No, not to push myself the extra mile. God, no. I barely need to push myself 0.000001 of a mile. Cause I have people pushing me, for me. Get it? Get it? Ha Ha. Hmm ... why is no one laughing?

Anyway, yes, I've taken the advice, to keep my friends close. In fact, in the last month, I've gone on to befriend Rachel, who above being a drop-dead gorgeous bombshell, also played an 80s cartoon character recently in a movie adpatation. If you do not know, that's as close to orgasm as you'll get without having sex. Ah yes, Rachel, in fact we've become bosom buddies. So I've kept her close, real close. Which is why I fail to understand why she called the cops on me. Honey, it's okay, I forgive you. We've got to keep close, so that our enemies won't matter. Namely the enemy that is Sienna's corset.

Hope of the States - Enemies/Friends (from The Lost Riots)

In the papers today...

A four-day workweek experiment in Utah is starting to pay off for everyone involved. According to an analysis, Utah government employees recently shifted to a four-day workweek, and as a result, the city has saved $1.8 million in electrical bills, while the air has been spared of some 6,000 metric tons of carbon dioxide. This strongly suggests that four-day workweeks should become a norm, and there are now proposals being developed for three-day workweeks, and perhaps even two. That proposal is being heading by the Families Association To Better Unite Mothers, Bosses And Managers (also known as FATBUMBAM).
This story reminds me of: Jason Lytle - It's The Weekend (from Yours Truly, The Commuter)

The Archbishop of Westminster has said that Facebook can lead to suicide. Archbishop Vincent Nichols, the head of the Catholic Church in England and Wales, was commenting after reports that a 15-year-old girl poisoned herself after being bullied on Bebo. The Archbishop said that social networking sites cause young people to treat friendships as "commodities", because they cause teenagers to pay more attention to the number of friends, rather than the quality of friendships. I totally feel him man. Young people these days need to learn to value frie... hoh dang, I just passed 321,789 Twitter followers! Somebody worship me now.
This story reminds me of: Zee Avi - First of The Gang To Die (from Zee Avi)

A new study has revealed that avid sports fans are more unhealthy than those who don't follow any particular team. For example, the study by University of Arkansas found that 26 percent of sports fans eat vegetables only one to three times a month, compared to 19.2 percent of non-sports fans. Which is completely ridiculous, since potato chips are like totally vegetables. Like duh, they think potatoes come from sheep? Sheesh. The study sucks. I'm so going to tell them, as soon as this Greek league friendly is over and I manage to shift my 500 pound thighs off this couch.
This story reminds me of: Grey Anne - Superlazy (from Facts 'N Figurines)

Look what I found in the bargain bin

The Charlatans

The Charlatans

(Beggars Banquet Records)

Price: S$6.00

There's one thing I don't like about the traveling circus and that's the lions. What sissy people go to a circus to look at lions? No, they spoil the circus. Other than them, the circus would be great. Them and the bears. Yeah. Dancing bears are totally not hot. Yeah. And don't get me started about the trapeze artistes. What kind of nonsense is that to show at a circus. Utter bollocks if you ask me. Waste my time. And that guy, that guy, what's his name? Oh yes, the sword swallower. Yeah, don't like that too. Yeah, he spoils the circus. And clowns. Oh my, yes. If there's one thing that doesn't belong at a circus, it's a clown. They should get rid of them. And jugglers. Damn I hate jugglers. If you could rid the circus of jugglers and all the other rubbish acts mentioned here, the circus would finally look like the circuses that I went to as a kid.

Sigh, how fondly I remember them. Typewriter banging away in the background. Secretaries shuffling about. Phonecalls and meetings. Did I mention, my dad used to take me to the circus every Monday when I was a kid. Damn, they sure don't do them the same way these days. Useless jerks.

The Charlatans - Here Comes A Soul Saver (from The Charlatans)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: The Honorary Title - Apologize

Yesterday's dinner's haunting me today
Blades in my stomach spinning
I awake with a fear of intake
Heightened by the stress of your love
I won't return your calls until it lets up
Oh, just one more season, you will be good

Tonight, oh
Don't even, don't even try, oh

When I'm concentratin'
on makin' statements
That will fool you into thinkin' we're fine
Yeah, They'll fool you, fool you, fool you, into thinkin' we're fine
Until you start to feel something outside
Beyond what you alone can visualise

Not worth the misery
Our sorted history
Years of revelry
We'd converse endlessly
Those pouted lips that say you'd cry
Won't you start to feel something outside

Tonight, oh
Don't even, don't even try

The libido was mistaken
For an earnest, heartfelt evening
For a moon-induced hallucination
Couldn't help but notice
Your eyes are losing focus
Such magnetism, now you're repulsed
But if you're not begging for it
Then it's not yours
Once dependent, now no signs of withdrawal

Not worth the misery
Our sorted history
Years of revelry
We'd converse endlessly
Those pouted lips that say you'd cry
Won't you start to feel something outside

Tonight, oh
Don't even, don't even, don't

Please talk softly now
No need to scream
The raise in decibels seems obsence
Please talk softly now
No need to scream
The raise in decibels seems obsence

Tonight, well, tonight
If your sold on everything you've been told
I apologize

I pride myself at being someone that cares little for apologizing. Like that time when I was eight and blew my neighbor's sandbox up with a bazooka. Or that time when I was 15 when I slapped the front-teeth off some jock that tried to feel up my girl. Heck, I did not even apologize when I dumped Megan recently for Christina recently. And sure, I ended up with a shovel lodged in my head, my gonads severed and stir-fried and I have to make do with just one leg, half a hand and seven fingers for the rest of my life but heck it was worth it. Yes Christina keep dancing like that. Nope, daddy's not going to say sorry for you now. What did you say? You think I am pathetic. You're such a kitten.

The Honorary Title - Apologize (from Scream and Light Up the Sky)

Bloc Party and Underworld for Singapore in Sep?

So like we caught a whisper that some popular British rock band and some dance music cookies are supposed to hit Lion City for a show this coming Sep 24. We don't even know for what show or when exactly but my money's on Godzilla's baby shower. Does it bother us that we are spreading news that appears to have no basis whatsoever? Not at all. I got tired of telling the solid truth a long time ago. Like how I told people I could fly, and no one believed me. So I tried to demonstrate by jumping off a cliff, and sure, I landed on my head and cracked my skull open but it was the bloody wind. Bad wind.

Bloc Party - Compliments (live) (from Peel Sessions)

The Sick Sick Six: Top 6 G.I. Joe Characters That Are Not Appearing in the Movie

So the other 80s cartoon adaptation of the summer is here and apparently, it's not as bad as the first one. I suppose when you get down to it, this is quite a feat considering the other one had my wife while this one has just Sienna Miller. Ooo in a latex catsuit, and shades and guns. And there are ninjas as well. Shit, this could be the movie of the century. All they need now is a giant lizard. Either that or me. Ha ha ha (actually it's not that funny cause it is true).

Tollbooth

Tollbooth has the honor for being the Joe with the most dumbass handle ever. It's second only to Dial-Tone but it's just about as dumbass. He's an engineer apparently, rumored to be named after one of his favorite creations. If that were the case for me then my handle would be Megan Fox Jr. Word!
Death Cab for Cutie - Photobooth (from Forbidden Love EP)


Sgt. Slaughter

Slaughter makes the cut purely by the merits of his name. I mean sure, he has a jaw-droppingly awesome name but what till my son comes along. I plan to name him Decimate. And if that is taken, then Armageddon.
The Postmarks - Slaughter on Tenth Avenue (from By the Numbers)


Outback

Outback's a badass son of a ... Just look at him. He looks like a lovechild between latter day Lennon and Kevin Drew. Yup to get a beard that kick-butt you would probably need the genes of two men, which automatically makes Outback a bit of a ninny. Shit.
Kevin Drew - Backed Out On The ... (from Spirit If ...)




Dr. Mindbender

Just look at him, he's like Gandhi on Ecstacy. The man looks like a complete pimp. Plus he has the balls to walk around topless and with a cape to boot. Now all he needs is to declare that he wants to save the world and I can be a religious man cause if you want to worship anyone, it should be someone who looks like a pimp.
My Teenage Stride - Terror Bends (from Ears Like Golden Bats)



Firefly

Firefly may have one hell-of-a piss ninny name but he is in actual fact quite a bad mutha. No one's seen his face and he goes around shooting people while mouthing corny one-liners. But man, what a name. It's like naming my gun man Strawberry. Or my driver Peaches. Or myself Tomato. Wait, Megan calls me that. I'm not fat honey ...
The Analog Girl - Superfly (from Sometime Next Galaxy)


Lady Jaye

What would G.I. Joe be like without the delectable Cajun princess that is Lady Jaye? Well for one thing, there would be about 100% less cleavage in the series. And in case you still need clarification on that point, that means no series. Cause cleavage rule the world, some with a firmer grip than others.
A Mantle the Sea - Malady (from A Mantle the Sea)