Monday, August 3, 2009

The Sick Sick Six: Top 6 G.I. Joe Characters That Are Not Appearing in the Movie

So the other 80s cartoon adaptation of the summer is here and apparently, it's not as bad as the first one. I suppose when you get down to it, this is quite a feat considering the other one had my wife while this one has just Sienna Miller. Ooo in a latex catsuit, and shades and guns. And there are ninjas as well. Shit, this could be the movie of the century. All they need now is a giant lizard. Either that or me. Ha ha ha (actually it's not that funny cause it is true).


Tollbooth has the honor for being the Joe with the most dumbass handle ever. It's second only to Dial-Tone but it's just about as dumbass. He's an engineer apparently, rumored to be named after one of his favorite creations. If that were the case for me then my handle would be Megan Fox Jr. Word!
Death Cab for Cutie - Photobooth (from Forbidden Love EP)

Sgt. Slaughter

Slaughter makes the cut purely by the merits of his name. I mean sure, he has a jaw-droppingly awesome name but what till my son comes along. I plan to name him Decimate. And if that is taken, then Armageddon.
The Postmarks - Slaughter on Tenth Avenue (from By the Numbers)


Outback's a badass son of a ... Just look at him. He looks like a lovechild between latter day Lennon and Kevin Drew. Yup to get a beard that kick-butt you would probably need the genes of two men, which automatically makes Outback a bit of a ninny. Shit.
Kevin Drew - Backed Out On The ... (from Spirit If ...)

Dr. Mindbender

Just look at him, he's like Gandhi on Ecstacy. The man looks like a complete pimp. Plus he has the balls to walk around topless and with a cape to boot. Now all he needs is to declare that he wants to save the world and I can be a religious man cause if you want to worship anyone, it should be someone who looks like a pimp.
My Teenage Stride - Terror Bends (from Ears Like Golden Bats)


Firefly may have one hell-of-a piss ninny name but he is in actual fact quite a bad mutha. No one's seen his face and he goes around shooting people while mouthing corny one-liners. But man, what a name. It's like naming my gun man Strawberry. Or my driver Peaches. Or myself Tomato. Wait, Megan calls me that. I'm not fat honey ...
The Analog Girl - Superfly (from Sometime Next Galaxy)

Lady Jaye

What would G.I. Joe be like without the delectable Cajun princess that is Lady Jaye? Well for one thing, there would be about 100% less cleavage in the series. And in case you still need clarification on that point, that means no series. Cause cleavage rule the world, some with a firmer grip than others.
A Mantle the Sea - Malady (from A Mantle the Sea)

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