Let's get lyrical, lyrical (World Cup edition): New Order - World in Motion

Express yourself, create the space
You know you can win, don't give up the chase
Beat the man, take him on
You never give up, its one on one

(Express yourself) It's one on one
(Express yourself) It's one on one
(Express yourself) You can't be wrong
(Express yourself) When something's good its never gone

Loves got the world in motion and I know what we can do
Loves got the world in motion and I can't believe its true

Now is the time, let everyone see
You never give up, that's how it should be
Don't get caught, make your own play
Express yourself, don't give it away

(Express yourself) It's one on one
(Express yourself) It's one on one
(Express yourself) You can't be wrong
(Express yourself) When something's good its never gone

Loves got the world in motion and I know what we can do
Loves got the world in motion and I can't believe its true
Loves got the world in motion and I know what we can do
Loves got the world in motion and I can't believe its true

You've got to hold and give but do it at the right time
You can be slow or fast but you must get to the line
They'll always hit you and hurt you, defend and attack
There's only one way to beat them, get round the back
Catch me if you can cos I'm the England man
And what you're looking at is the master plan
We ain't no hooligans, this ain't no football song
Three lions on my chest, I know we can't go wrong

We're playing for England (In-ger-land)
We're playing the song
We're singing for England (In-ger-land)
Arrivederci its one on one

Two things are clear to me now. Firstly, this song is probably the reason why England did so decently in the 1990 World Cup. Reason? Cause you can only hear one on one so many times before you start putting those chances away. Secondly, Bernard Sumner is almost as kick-ass as I am. I mean, it's no mean feat to have three lions on your chest and still get up and say 'we can't go wrong'. I only narrowly beat him by having 3 and a half lions on my chest. Sun dried lion torsos do count, kid. Better luck next time.

New Order - World in Motion (from The Best of New Order)

This Week's Track 9 (World Cup edition): Yo La Tengo - Little Honda

Honda was the car of choice last night for Japan. Never mind that Toyota probably has better suspension because the player who scored the winning goal last night for Japan was not named 'Toyota'. Keisuke Honda scored the all-important goal to give Japan their first World Cup win on foreign soil against Cameroon last night. As such I've bought myself a brand spanking new Honda Civic as a tribute. Oh, you guys did not know? I am buying a car that's named after each goalscorer at this World Cup. My favorite so far? That red Tshabalala. It's a little leathery in the gears but when it gets going, it roars like an elephant.

Yo La Tengo - Little Honda (from I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One)

WC 2010: What if Spain were a band?

They would have to be an ugly band. Yes, according to 31 independent studies done worldwide, Spain has the ugliest national football team, boasting the hideous faces of Cesc Fabregas (pic below), Fernando Torres, Sergio Ramos, David Villa, David Silva and the most putrid-looking of them all, Iker Casillas.

Blergh. Urrrghh. Must. Wash Eyes. And that is why, by right, if they were a band, they'd have to be Take That. But since Pantsy will not allow any Take That songs to show up on this blog, I'm forced to find another angle for Spain. One that does not involve its ugliness.

And for that, we turn to Carles Puyol.

Perhaps the sole saving grace of this ugly team - having Puyol in the team immediately cranks up the good looks of the side by 450,000,299,999 times. It's true. I counted it last night myself. Which means that there can only be one band now that Spain can be. The Strokes!

"Kawaiii!!!" "Sooo prettyyy!!!!", as the Japo and Taiwan hunnies like to say. And you know what they say about Taiwan hunnies.

The Geek: I see you're not using the joke I gave you.

Genusfrog: Which joke you gave me?

The Geek: The one about how Iniesta strokes the ball very delicately.

Genysfrog: Errr, no, no thanks.

The Geek: It was a good joke.

The Strokes - Reptilia (from Room On Fire)

WC 2010: What if Côte d'Ivoire (Ivory Coast) were a band?

If Côte d'Ivoire were a band, they would most certainly be Big Sir. Why? You know what? I have no blinking idea as well but it's just an impression I have. Might have to do with their star player Didier Drogba but I could be wrong as well. Hmm ... or maybe it's a sarcastic reference to how 'large' Kolo Toure's shoulders are in the picture above (he's the neck-less monster at second from right, top row above). But that doesn't seem quite the thing as well. Perhaps I should just ask their coach ...

Ohh ... right.

Big Sir - Blutrausch (from Und Die Scheiße Ändert Sich Immer)

WC 2010: What if South Korea were a band?

If South Korea were a band, they would be the Red Sparowes.

At this point, I would like to give a shout out to my own pet bird. Because unlike the aforementioned team, band and bird, my pet bird is a quiet, docile creature that has mastered the art of sitting still, and waiting at my feet. She's really shy actually. Sweetest thing on earth. C'mere, Cushy Wush. Just smile for all our readers this once, okay? Then you can go back to what you were doing. Goooood girl... Okay, one, two, three... smile!
Awwww, that's like the sweetest smile! My lovely Wushysmooshy. Yes, go back to your cage, you flutterball. And while you ar... huh? What? What do you mean that's not a bird? Oh gawsh, I think you've got a nasty case of conjunctivitis there. Any doilee can see that Cushy Wush is as birdy as any bird can be.

Oh you dunce. Fine, lemme prove it. Wushkins, c'mere. I got some bird food on my palm... yes, yes, thaaaat's my girl... teehee, your tongue really tickles. You see dunce, would any other animal so quaintly munch on grains from my hand? Oh Wushymoochachi, you at it all! Sweetie pookie. Oh my, you found such a realistic-looking human body part there! Looks like a hand! Smaaaart girl! Come, lemme pet you. Oh whoops, am I dripping this red gooey liquid all over your face? Sorry, sorry, Lemme just wipe it off with a... Hmmm, my hand looks pretty stumpy these days. My OoshCush, you do like that red gooey liquid, aye? Smaaart girl. Here you go, more bird food on my other hand... Mmmmm, ticklish.

Red Sparowes - Giving Birth to Imagined Saviors (from The Fear Is Excruciating, but Therein Lies the Answer)

WC 2010: What if Germany were a band?

Why this one is simple. I know in the past we might have named an industrial band to represent just how mechanical these Germans are in their play. Or maybe some metal band to denote just how large and menacing their style of organizational play might be. But these days, we can't help but think about the players' girlfriends. Specifically, just how jealous they can be sometimes. So I've decided to equate them to The Jealous Girlfriends. Although personally I think they are just being troublesome, and frankly, a disturbance to the success of the country at the Finals. I mean seriously, do you not think it is out of line for you to be jealous when you look like this ...

... and you're dating something that looks as magnificent as this ...

I mean seriously. Just suck it up girl. You can't do any better. Honestly. Peace.

The Jealous Girlfriends - Roboxulla (from The Jealous Girlfriends)

WC 2010: What if England were a band?

They would be Stars of Track and Field of course. England stopped breeding footballers years ago. Apparently it's a little too costly to teach a boy to kick a ball around. But breeding stars, now that's cheaper. Just throw together a cheap suit, some flawed marketing campaign, some biceps, a drinking scandal and boom, you have yourself a star. Not just any star, but a babe-snagging star. Never mind that you look like a platypus, but hey, it's all about the impression. I give you exhibit A:

Okay this one looks more like a ostrich, but yeah you get my point. I mean girls these days, they seem to take the whole 'bird' thing to another level. I mean, ostrich, yeesh. What? Not the girl? Yikes! What the hell is that beside the ostrich? Oh it's okay people. It's just a beaver.

Stars of Track and Field - Fantastic (from Centuries Before Love and War)

WC 2010: What if North Korea were a band?

If North Korea's football team were a band, they would be the Cold War Kids.

No, doylie. Not those Cold War Kids. These Cold War Kids:

Booyeah. Don't believe me? You try a free kick with them in the wall. Uh-huh. You KNOW you ain't hitting the crotch, yo.

Cold War Kids - Audience Of One (from Behave Yourself EP)

WC 2010: What if Brazil were a band?

This is absolutely easy. In fact, it's so easy that I've allowed my pet impala to write it. Let's see what the little critter wrote? Impalette?! No, no, no you fool. What? Yes I know, she's not your type but hey, it's all about which species has the largest cars and deep fryers right? Yes. *Locks impala in the room. Anyways ... yes, it's so easy that I'll just give you a clue through a picture.

What? No, no, no not Faded Old Man in the Background. Girls! Because in Brazil, it's all about the girls. Not the football. They've won numerous World Cups purely by the quality of the girls alone. Yes you heard it here first, hot girls = the World Cup. It's really that simple.

Girls - Headache (from Album)