Thursday, November 5, 2009

The Sick Sick Six: Things To Do In The Dark

Yeah, I know: Halloween was shite. There was no candy, no costumes and no fat turd stepping on a paper bag full of poo. Just another day.

Of course I'm talking about you. Not me. I'm like a completely different breed of party animal, yo (vodkatus yumalotus, they call me). So yeah, my Halloween was so totally bodacious, like every other Friday night, except that the stripper costumes were actually compulsory (usually only the Y-strings are).

But so anyways, back to you. Yes you, the fat turd with poo-stained feet. You've got almost one whole year from now to ensure that your next Halloween ends up with mountains of candy being fed to you by three witches with pineapples for hats. Just follow my six-step money-back guarentee plan for things to do in the dark.

STEP 1 - Eye
Yes, the first thing to do is to eye. Whaddaya mean, how you do eye? Oh sheesh. C'mere, lemme show you. You just put your hands up like this, start moving west, and... Oh oops, sorry. Whozzat? Flounder! My, what nice eyes you got. Oh don't mind me. I'm just eyeing. Hey, what's that shiny pointy thing? Is that like your happy flappy flipper?


See we're off to a good start already.
Bhuddistson - Eyes In The Dark (from SLOWDANCE Wisely and Slow, They Stumble That Dance Fast)

STEP 2 - Dance
Now that you've mastered the art of eyeing, it's time to get those other body parts moving in darkness. That's right, babeh: dance, dance, dance! So c'mon, shake those wings. Uhuh, uhuh, doosh, doosh, doo... what? You got no wings? Whaddaya mean you dance with feet? Who the cockadoodledo does that? Oh goodness. You're so going to have a shitty 31 Oct dude.
Paolo Delfino - Dance In The Dark (from In Between The Odds & Evens)

STEP 3 - Go left and right
Ok, you gotta get this one. It's real easy: while eyeing and dancing with your wings (or your feet if you got no wings, fatso), start moving left, and then right. It's important that you move left first before you move right, ok? That's good. You're not too shabby mate. Oh yeah, that reminds me, did you hear of the dude whose whole left side was blown off? Well, he's all right now.


Flounder, stop it!
Julian Casablancas - Left Right In The Dark (from Phrazes For The Young)

STEP 4 - Look for diamonds
So while I go hunting for my eye, you keep yourself occupied by looking for diamonds. Well of course they come out better in the dark. What, you think Leonardo DiCaprio goes diamond hunting with sunnies or sumthin? Huh? Wha...? Oh. Umm. Well keep looking!
Mystery Jets - Diamonds In The Dark (from Making Dens)

STEP 5 - Get even
Oh look, diamonds! Go get it! What? Why you squealing like that? Oh, sorry. Chainsaws and diamonds all look the same in the dark. Here, have a mint.
Company of Thieves - Even In The Dark (from Ordinary Riches)

STEP 6 - Just be
Ah ok, I can see now. Well look at you! All pro-looking and stuff. Righto then, one last step: you just gotta be in the dark. Just be. No, don't even scratch. Heck no, don't even sneeze! Matter of fact, don't even breathe. Yeah, just follow after me. Just be in the dark. Just bbb... the... jjjuss... hey, is that Flounderrr...

The Whigs - In The Dark (from In The Dark)

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