Thursday, November 11, 2010

In the papers today...

The Large Hadron Collider created a mini-Big Bang this week, signalling a significant breakthrough. The giant particle accelerator successfully smashed together a bunch of lead ions, creating a burst of heat that was a million times hotter than the sun. Scientists were thrilled, and inside sources say that after this collision happened, they quickly rushed into the room to find out what had been left behind. To their delight, they found a naked Keanu Reeves sucking his thumb.

This story reminds me of: Honeymoon Stitch - Day of the Lords (from A Means to an End: The Music of Joy Division)

A British teacher who moonlighted as a prostitute has been allowed to continue teaching as well as continue her side business. Diane Hutton, a 54-year-old who taught general studies to GCSE and A-level students, also ran a website called 'Seductive Selina'. However, the judge decided that there was nothing wrong with what she was doing, since her website didn't show her face. "Besides," he added, "The picture on the site is totally not her booty. Her real booty has two moles on the left cheek, and this one only ha... oh. Not guilty."

This story reminds me of: Belle & Sebastian - Calculating Bimbo (from Belle & Sebastian Write About Love)

Calvin Klein has produced a pair of 3D sunglasses. Called ck3D, the sunglasses can be used indoors and outdoors. When asked by journalists at a press conference why someone would need 3D sunnies outdoors, a spokesperson for Calvin Klein simply motioned for Bambi to come to the podium. Bambi then walked up to the mic, and said, "Wearing ck3D will enable you to see more of me. Which will enable you to see much better the moments when my mum gets shot to bits by ALL YOU BLOODTHIRSTY SCUMS, DIEEEEEEE!" Bambi then pee-ed on everyone.

This story reminds me of: A-Trak - Ray Ban Vision (feat. CyHi Da Prynce) (single)


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