Ani DiFranco in Singapore, 10th Feb 2009

You know, when we get a comment like the one we got in the previous post telling us that Ani DiFranco is coming to Singapore on 10th February 2009 to play in The Esplanade, our system goes into autopilot mode, and three things happen:

• We blog about it.
• We grog about it.
• We snog about it.
  

Now I know what you're thinking: why does anyone blog about good news right? Yeah, it's one of those things we totally can't explain. Our resident scientists are developing a 4,338-page thesis on it as we speak.

The other two automatic actions are totally natural of course, so no explanation needed there. Like yesterday, my mate told me that my bank had just deposited 28 million bucks into my bank account. So, true to autopilot mode, I withdrew all the money, added rum and water, and grogged it. After that that, I looked for the nearest rabbit and shoved my tongue down its throat. So yeah, it's good to know that we can do things all the time without having to think much and... what? Oh, Jessica Alba wants to have my baby? Excuse me then. Hey, Thumper? C'mere. Yeah, good Thumper. Hey on the way can you grab my laptop? And the blender? That's a good furface.

Ani DiFranco - The Story (from Ani DiFranco) [BUY]

In the papers today...

The New Oxford American Dictionary has declared that 'hypermiling' is the 2008 Word of the Year. It was coined by car expert Wayne Gerdes, and it means "an attempt to maximise gas mileage by making fuel-conserving adjustments to one’s car and one’s driving techniques". Hypermilers employ techniques like driving under the speed limit, avoiding hills and maintaining proper tire pressure. The word beats other contenders, including 'aejwlk', 'hvkjahdvkjah' and 'yo'. No one knows what 'yo' means.
This story reminds me of: Epo 555 - Hyperschlieb (from Mafia) [BUY]

The fourth Moscow Millionaire Fair begins this week. The fair, organised by Miljonair magazine and just officially launched by Rafael Nadal, will feature exhibitions by more than 200 luxury companies and brands, including Volvo, Movenpick and King Koil. This comes in a year when the number of millionaires in Russia rose seven percent to 131,000. Apparently the number was closer to 131,022, but the statistics department refused to recognise names like Didier, Frank and John Abramovich.
This story reminds me of: The Lassie Foundation - I'm Stealin' To Be Your One In A Million (from Pacifico) [BUY]

Bruce Willis has received US$900,000 from Malaysian tech company Petra Group as a settlement for the lawsuit he filed against them last week. The actor had sued the company after investing US$2 million in it last year in technology that claimed to be able to recycle rubber from tyres. Had Brucey boy read the contract, however, he would have realised that the execs at Petra Group were actually taking the cash as payment for traumatising their kids with his penis in Color of Night.
This story reminds me of: Bruce Willis - Save the Last Dance for Me (from Classic Bruce Willis: The Universal Masters Collection) [BUY]

B-Side of the Week - Breathe Into Glass

Asobi Seksu

Breathe Into Glass (from the Me & Mary 7" single)

(Polyvinyl)

I've dated six Japanese girls before, and each of them was exactly like my six favourite things about Japanese food. 

The first girl, Hiroko, was exactly like raw salmon. She was orange all over and liked to wear pinstripes. The second girl, Minami, was a lot more like soba noodles. She was long and cold and smelled like soya sauce. After that, I dated a girl called Ayako, who was a lot more like those little red octopuses, because she had little round boils on all her legs.  Then there was Fujiko, who will always remind me of inari, perhaps because I tied her up in a gunny sack once and forgot to let her out for three days. Which leads me to Mikazuki. Every time I eat kobe beef, I remember how marbled she was. And finally, Shizue, who will eternally remind me of Asahi beer because she's the daughter of the owner of Asahi beer.

What? What do you mean that doesn't count? Oh. Ya, she also smelled like vomit.  

Asobi Seksu - Breathe Into Glass

Look what I found in the bargain bin

Echo and the Bunnymen
Ocean Rain
(Korova)

Price: S$5.90

Ah don't you just love the days when album covers used to be so literal? Like when you name an album Ocean Rain, the natural thing to do is to dump all your band members on your boat and make like you sailing for Gondor. And let's not forget the excessive blue, because if it is one thing they teach you on kindergarten, it's that water is blue in color.

I heard the trend's in again, so as such I have decided to title my next three albums Barbecue Pork Ribs, Scarlett Naked and Jessica Butt Naked. You know, cause I think ahead. Yeah, that analytical mind thing *points at zipper*.

Echo and the Bunnymen - The Killing Moon (from Ocean Rain)

Rarity on the Rarity: Whitey

Glasvegas

Whitey

(WaKS)

Rare factor: Home demo

Here's an acoustic home demo from Mr Allan. Take it. No, seriously, take it. What do you mean you already have the album? Can't you see this thing is called Rarity on the Rarity? Yeah. So? Well that's what it means, you dumbass. It's a rarity. It's not on the album. What? The self-titled album, you doof. Yeah. So you want it. Just click on... no. It's not on the singles. It's not a b-side. Yes. Yes. I am Pirate Genusfrog. No, this is not my b-side column. This is... look, do you want this or not? Ok fine, beat it. 

I tell you, some people are just impossible. Like this other time, I was trying to feed a 1kg deep-fried pork trotter to my Slovakian date. Damn girl kept going on about never having seen the beach and wanting to do some rubbish with a blanket. I told her the only use for a blanket when you have a 1kg deep-fried pork trotter in front of your face is to keep the hog warm. Cos there's nothing more tear-jerking than an uneaten shivering piece of pig.

Glasvegas - Whitey

The Sick Sick Six: Your Six Most Important Body Parts, in Songs

A long time ago, I was in a science class. Actually, it was a long long long long bitch-ass long x 10000 long/10000 long ago? What? I just rendered the number to zero? Whatever, anyways it was a long time ago. The teacher was trying to teach us about our anatomy and some guy named Gray. I fell asleep, knocked my head against the table and woke up a genius and black-belt in karate. Many years later, I found out that it was some series about hot chicks and dumb ass doctors. I am glad I did not know that then otherwise I would never be as smart and kick-ass as I am today.

Anyways, lesson of the day - I have recently learned that some body parts are more important than others, so I have decided to list down your six most important ones:

Fist
Fist are essential for only one thing and one thing alone - punching. Yup. I eat with my feet and caress Emmanuelle's hair with my torso.
Antony and the Johnsons - Fistful of Love (from The Lake EP) [BUY]

Bum
What point is there in this world, if your bum is not big? Because of my big bum, I can fart more. Yeah that's the only reason.
The Raveonettes - Seductress of Bums (from Pretty in Black) [BUY]

Moustache
Moustaches are seriously sexy. Any woman that tells you otherwise has obviously not had one themselves. And a woman that has not had a moustache themselves is really not a woman because they could be a man. I am so theological sometimes.
Sparks - Moustache (from The Ultimate Collection) [BUY]

Wings
When I was 12, I developed wings. So I flew up to the sky to see the heavens. I ran out of oxygen. I passed out and fell into a chicken farm. Doctor said I have brain damage. End of story.
Sunset Rubdown - Winged/Wicked Things (from Random Spirit Lover) [BUY]

Horns
I love my horns because they keep me horny.
Wonderlick - Devil Horns (from Wonderlick) [BUY]

Tail
A tail is like jewelery for a big bum. You can't have a big bum and not have a big tail to go with it. It's like having sex without the sex, chicken without the chicken, Angelina Jolie without Angelina Jolie ... etc
New Bomb Turks - Tail Crush (from Pissing Out the Poison) [BUY]

Yeah anyways those are your essential kick ass body parts. Every one of them is crucial in ensuring that I maintain my slick, Katana-blade swinging facade. What, you don't have some of these body parts? Dude, what the hell? I pity you man. And as a gesture of my pity, I have inserted a picture of myself in full glory. Don't get floored. Or if you do, get one of them cushions pronto cause here it comes ...

Mosaic 2009 - The Jesus and Mary Chain confirmed?

Update: You heard the lady in the comments box, looks like we're a bag of hot air again. Which is still better than being many things in this world. Like The Big Show's Y-fronts for example.

Rejoice ye lovers of old indie. Yes, you, the one with the Stout in hand and a piece of pork belly on a fork in the other. Not to mention you sir, the one with an issue of Playboy with Zsa Zsa Gabor on the cover in your hand. Or you with that jumbo-sized bottle of Vitalis. Rejoice, rejoice.

Why? Because the equally old band Jesus and Mary Chain will be making a stop in Singapore to headline the annual Mosaic Music Festival that is likely to happen around March 2009. While official promos are not quite out there yet, our sources can readily confirm that they are on the bill.

And in a separate statement, the organizers would like you to know that the target age group for the festival is not 98. And that they are well aware that it's 2008 and not 1978. And that they acknowledge the existence of the Internet. Not to mention they are well aware of good new music that's released after 1978 such as Skid Row and Poison.

Jesus and Mary Chain - Sometimes Always (featuring Hope Sandoval) (from Stoned & Dethroned) [BUY]

Let's Get lyrical, lyrical: Of Montreal - Women's Studies Victims

They had painted her face like a man's mistake
Like a mental state
Gangbanging
A sad return to the eagle-shaped mirror
I'm the kind of mannequin that cheats and
Opens its eyes to the ladies of the spread

She took me home and spit in my drink
She spoke of Jermaine Grier and Friedan I don't know what to think
I took her standing in the kitchen ass against the sink
She draped me in a stole
(what kind?) I think Malaysian mink
She threw me out into the snow; I waited for the bus
Up come some values voters screaming, 'are you one of us'
I said of course man, can't you see I've got some text reconstruction?
(What does that mean?)
No clue
It must be an illicit pentagram
(What are you talking about?)
No clue

I check my shutter speed, my aperture, my domino
Can't focus, can't stop staring at the face I used to know
This life is not a prison: we are always free to go, anytime

Chinese stars, chinese stars, chinese stars at the rock said the rock chinese stars

I'm trying to interface
You met me at such a dismal point on the arc
I think I understand what you were saying
About the smiles of the skulls
The spastic face was the last one
Our luck was white
I read it with my head open,
Only slightly cracked
Someone will have to close it when I'm done
Make the most out of the visuals
While walking through the woods
I noticed someone had built a house for nobody in particular

They want to destroy us
(I know)
It's time to penetrate, their fantasy

Some people have stacks of problems with Kevin Barnes' lyrics. They call it pretentious, aloof, and, in the case of Skeletal Lamping, downright pornographic.

Me? I don't got problems at all. Not even a sniffle of an issue. This song is prime example of why not. I mean, the man shags a chick who wears Malaysian mink! Do you know how kickass that is??? Yeah seriously, Barnes totally knows his stuff. I mean, I'm so impressed that he knows that my country is crawling with minks. Minks on the road, working in Starbucks, on the golf course, living in treehouses, pumping petrol, fixing ...

Huh? What, you didn't know Malaysian minks live in treehouses? Of course they do. They have it so much better than Malaysian humans, who tend to live in huts made from mink droppings. In fact all Malaysian animals have it heaps good. Tapirs spend RM200,000 each month on manicures, and a family of orang utans just bought a Damien Hirst piece for two million bucks. No, not dollars, or pounds, or ringgit. Bucks. Yup, in Malaysia our currency of trade is young male deer. Tons of them around too. Almost as many as minks.

Of Montreal - Women's Studies Victims (from Skeletal Lamping) [BUY]

Fad of the Land: Twones and Tony Player

Twones and Tony Player are specifically engineered to give you the complete music experience. The former tracks every song you play (as long as you're online), and then creates a timeline of your play history which can then be shared with the Twones community. The latter then builds playlists from different timelines, and when you visit a club that uses this system, you just send a text to register yourself, and your playlists are sent to the DJ who then picks his set based on your listening preferences.

It's quite a killer combo, I must say. Almost as killer as the combo I ordered that day. Man, that one was nasty. Came with a hand grenade, eight king cobras and two Swedish assassins. thankfully mum always taught me never to judge a Swede. Turns out she was right. Swedes are fantastic at teaching cobras algebra. Too bad mum didn't give me lessons on grenades though. Bloody tricky stuff trying to blog with one hand and hold my colon with the other.

Link: www.twones.com, www.tonyplayer.com

Squarepusher - Duotone Moonbeam (from Just a Souvenir) [BUY]

Mogwai's in for some 'Nasi Lemak'?

Update: The date is 21st Jan. Venue to be confirmed. Look out, look out.

Update: The date suggested by the organizers is apparently early Jan, but the band is apparently more keen on a end-of-Jan date. Look out in this space for more updates.

Surprisingly, our usual hairy, coffee guzzling bear of a paparazzi did not alert us to this one, so we've decided to pinch his pinky finger and feed him some boiled liver.

Anyways, there's a rumor going around that I'm dating Emmanuelle Chriqui, only thing it's a pretty bad rumor because I actually AM dating her, or was it married? Crap, I can't remember. Sorry A.J., all that serial killer, chest cracking business is a little too icky for me, and plus I never forgave you for pulling that plier on me the other day just because I wanted that tub of ice cream.

Eh wait, what the heck were we talking about? Oh yes, Mogwai. Apprently they are heading over here early 2009. Those furry things, always overeating.

Mogwai - Small Children in the Background (from EP + 6) [BUY]

B-Side of the Week - O New England

The Decemberists

O New England (from the Valerie Plame single (which is from the Always The Bridesmaid: The Singles Series collection))

(Capitol)

There was once a man called Meloy

Who spent all his cash on a toy

But once in December

He couldn't remember

Ok this limerick thing really isn't working. I hate this damned life as a handsomely-paid handsome blogger. Sucks to the sky.

You know, en route to graduating from writing school with first class honours, they told me that good writing needs to have dynamics. Dynamics my underwear. I've since discovered that the best pieces of writing have only one thing in common and it's not dynamics. No, not poetry. No, not verbosity. No, no, not even good grammar. Sorry, come again? Yes, that's it. How did you guess? Oh you didn't guess? You discovered it the hard way too? Yeah. I totally agree. Yeah. Exactly, oh my god. You're right. Hahhaa. Oh, coffee? Umm... I don't usually, well... I'm more of a tea person. But... oh, hahaha, how silly of me. They would, wouldn't they. Alright then. Yeah. Oh, no. I got nothing on till like, tomorrow morning.

The Decemberists - O New England [BUY]