Best of 2009: What if my Best 8 Albums of 2009 were Twitter Posts

Twitter is, like, so OMGGG. Like these albums. OMGGGG.

Camera Obscura - My Maudlin Career

Type of Twitter post: last weekend's beach getaway

Sample post: "The sun is so XOXO-fun!!! Gawd, is that a lyric? It is!!! Gotta tell my honey bun sugar munchie"

Camera Obscura - James (from My Maudlin Career)

Sleeping At Last - Storyboards

Type of Twitter post: The quintessential Richard Linklater movie dissertation

Sample post: "The juggler dude in Before Sunrise signifies urban repression. Ebert, u be pwned"

Sleeping at Last - Birdcage Religion (from Storyboards)

The Antlers - Hospice

Type of Twitter post: wtfrudrinkin?

Sample post: "The monkey owns my liver. My liver lives in the river. Pee on me now"

The Antlers - Shiva (from Hospice)

The Rest - Everyone All At Once

Type of Twitter post: The post about nothing at all

Sample post: "Wow, that was so wow"

The Rest - Drinking Again (from Everyone All At Once)

Lily Allen - It's Not Me, It's You

Type of Twitter post: The post-breakup post

Sample post: "&%$# $ #$%#$^ &@%@%@% @%@ ^@^@&@@ &@@ @@#%$%#%$"

Lily Allen - Chinese (from It's Not Me, It's You)

David Bazan - Curse The Branches

Type of Twitter post: Existence is futile (but beer is not)

Sample post: "The truth called out to me this morning. I burped back"

David Bazan - In Stitches (from Curse The Branches)

Pearl Jam - Backspacer

Type of Twitter post: Pub crawling with long-lost buddies

Sample post: "@SykoSimon just downed his 54th shot and..., danggg, dude's getting a tattoo on his nipple right now! Bodacious!!!"

Pearl Jame - Amongst The Waves (from Backspacer)

Twiggy Frostbite - Through Fire

Type of Twitter post: Flue and fever galore
Sample post: "Sniff sniff. Someone hug me now, please. Ahh, Fluffy. Thanks. That's nice #ilovemysugarglider"

Twiggy Frostbite - I'm Still Here (from Through Fire)

Mono Live in Malaysia (Again): Jan 30, KLPAC

Ah there goes another one that can't quite get enough of them Nasi Lemaks. I heard sambal is a little hard to find up in Japan, and rightfully so. So what's a good old 'sambal-loving' band's supposed to do in such dire times? Come over to Malaysia again of course. And apparently this time, they are towing a string trio along for the ride, you know, for dramatic effect. That, and to cut the sashimi.

Shhh ... but I heard one of their member's name is Yoda. Rumor has it is that he's hairy, possibly green and speaks in grammatically incorrect sentences.

Details:

Date: Saturday, January 30th

Time: 8:00PM

Location:Pentas 2, KL Performing Arts Centre
Tickets: TBA

Mono - The Kidnapper Bell (from Under the Pipal Tree)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: The Smashing Pumpkins - Mayonaise

Fool enough to almost be it
Cool enough to not quite see it
Doomed
Pick your pockets full of sorrow
And run away with me tomorrow
June

We'll try and ease the pain
But somehow we'll feel the same
Well, no one knows
Where our secrets go

I send a heart to all my dearies
When your life is so, so dreary
Dream
I'm rumored to the straight and narrow
While the harlots of my perils
Scream

And I fail
But when I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will

Mother weep the years I'm missing
All our time can't be given
Back
Shut my mouth and strike the demons
That cursed you and your reasons
Out of hand and out of season
Out of love and out of feeling
So bad

When I can, I will
Words defy the plan
When I can, I will

Fool enough to almost be it
And cool enough to not quite see it
And old enough to always feel this
Always old, I'll always feel this

No more promise no more sorrow
No longer will I follow
Can anybody hear me
I just want to be me
When I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will

Ah Billy Corgan is a smart man. Not content with his fixation for BBB (Blonde Bombshell Bassists), he's gone on to write a whole song about him wanting to be well, him. But I see where he is going with on this one. It's a 'nothing'. He can't be him because he 'is' him. Just like how no one else can be me because I am awesomest maximus (Greek translation: Can bed 20 women at a go). Slightly different but largely the same.

Do I want to be Billy Corgan? Me? Hmm ... sure why not? Pass me the shaver ...

*Buzz*

I am Billy Corgan (said in troll-like voice). Bow unto me for I am bald, and I sing like Gollum (might even look like Gollum). Bow ... shit is that Courtney Love? This shit's too difficult for me, bye.

The Smashing Pumpkins - Mayonaise (from Siamese Dream)

Because Old and Wrinkled is Twinkle: The Beach Boys Live In Manila - January 27, 2010

Okay they may not look old and wrinkly here but I can assure you, this picture was taken about 5,000 years ago. Yep, just about the time dinosaurs ruled the earth (plus, minus some years here and there). If you look seriously closely in the background, you should be able to see a shadow of a T-Rex. No, not that duffy 70s rocker, the lizard. Yeah, serious, look closely.

Oh wait, that might be Brian Wilsons' hair cream.

Details:

Date: 27th January 2010 (Wednesday)
Venue: Araneta Coliseum, Manila
Prices: PhP 4020 (Patron VIP, reserved seating), PhP 3700 (Patron B, reserved seating), PhP 2960 (Lower Box, reserved seating), PhP 1900 (Upper Box A, reserved seating), PhP 850 (Upper Box B) & PhP 530 (general admission)
Tickets: On sale via TicketNet now

The Beach Boys - I Get Around (from All Summer Long)

311, Jakarta, 30 March 2010

So you know how all these forgotten 90s rock dudes are going to Indonesia right? I have finally figured out why that happens. It's because Indonesia gives cheap haircuts. For real, yo. Because when all those 90s rock dudes became forgotten, they sorta forgot a whole lotta things themselves. Like how to pee, poo or cut their hair.

That's really natural, actually. Like how our fellow Pirate Genusfrog sometimes forgets he's a pirate, and then subsequently starts forgetting other things in life that used to be so natural to him. Y'know, like brushing his turtle's teeth, putting on his eye patch or sprinkling his toe nails on his Caesar salad. Yes, all that were things he used to do on a daily basis. These days, he just sits stoning and watching My Little Pony reruns.

Poor chap. Sometimes we wonder if he needs help. Other times, we just steal his credit card.

311 - Down (from 311)

Imogen Heap, Singapore 29 March 2010

I know what you're thinking. The moment this date was announced, I was also thinking the same thing. And you know what it means when you and I think the same thing, right? Yes, you're right! You were thinking that too? Amaaazing. Ok, ok, so let's together say out loud what we're thinking, ok? Kinda like a kindy game! Goody, goody! Ok: one, two, three:

What is an imogen heap?

I know, I know. It's perplexing, really. Like, we all know what's a heap of doggy poo, right? And we all know what's a heap of french fries. Or a heap of bikinis. But a heap of imogens? That is seriously tricky.

But so yes, back to us. It's amazing how you and I are constantly thinking the same thing. Almost mystical, really. We must be somehow related. Is your surname Megatron? No? Oh, scram then. And give me back my torpedo blasters, you turd.

Venue: Esplanade Concert Hall, Singapore

Prices: $48 (student price – limited), $68, $88, $108, $128 & $148 (excluding Sistic fees). Fans of Greenhorn Productions Facebook page will be eligible for priority booking/discounts

Imogen Heap - Say Goodnight and Go (remixed by Back Ted N-Ted)

Rarity on the Rarity: Scenic World (Second Version)

Beirut
Scenic World (Second Version)
(Ba Da Bing!)
Rare factor: Little-known follow up to their smashing debut, featuring an alternate version to this album track that sounds strangely, Irish? It sounds better yes, that's what we wanted to say.

There's only two ways you can redo a song, you can either do it the same way it was done before, or you can do it the Irish way, which basically involves you dressing up in green, growing orange facial hair, trying to grab the waitresses bottoms with your left hand while swigging a mug of lager with your right and then every five seconds you say 'Aye' and sail off on a pirate ship? What do you mean pirates aren't Irish? Aren't they the same thing?

Beirut - Scenic World

Mosaic Music Festival 2010: Ooompa loompa from 12 - 21 Mar, 2010

Sigh Mosaic has just unleashed their lineup and we must say, it doeseth weteth oureth pantseth. The legendarily old Dinosaur Jr, is a wet dream for anyone that's above 32, or is interested to see Gandalf the White in person (see picture above). On top of that there's the previously reported 65daysofstatic, St. Vincent, The Go Team and Kings of Convenience. There's also Kool and the Gang but I'm saving that for my granddad.

We just want to say that we have Ne-Yo. Yup, just one, we know but hey, the man looks half asleep most of the time. No, no, it's a good thing cause he has enough rest. My grandma used to tell me that if you want to date hot chicks you need to have enough rest. Okay she may have said 'zest' instead but hey, zest, rest, what's the difference anyway? One letter? Just one stupid letter? And you think the world's going to change on that? I think not pretty boy.

Dinosaur Jr - Never Bought It (from Hand It Over)

Word for the Week: Three

That's Pantsy in the center. Yeah, had one too many hot dogs.

'Three' is a wonderful word. More importantly it's hardly a beautiful word on any week other than this week. Why? Because this week, yours truly, Geekus Largus will only be working for a grand total of three days. Which essentially means he has a four day weekend, which he will use to service his five maidens, who usually bring along their six dogs, which usually result in them biting seven of his limbs off, leaving only eight of them left, which will be used to acquire nine of them back because the extra one is really a 10-out-of-10. Any guess which limb that is?

Yep, my left scrotum.

Rilo Kiley - Three Hopeful Thoughts (from The Execution of All Things)

Lets see, what are my three hopeful thoughts for the week? 'Pork', 'Chicken' and 'Pork'. Oh, it's not all about food. The middle one's this chick named Chicken. Wears a mean feather boa that's difficult to take off. Almost feels like actual feathers. People these days.

The Lassie Foundation - Three Wheels (from Jetstreams, Three Wheels EP)

In the spirit of my three day work week, I have decided to remove one of the wheels on my car. Been brilliant, works wonders over bumps and causes the car to do a lovely back flip every corner I take. I feel like a gymnast.

Buffalo Tom - Three Easy Pieces (from Three Easy Pieces)

That's how much I am worth, yee ha! Oh what? They don't do currency with 'pieces' anymore? What year is this? 2009? Shit no kid? How old is Megan Fox these days? Wow. And to think when I first thought of her, she was but a apparition at the corner of a vision I had during, you know, that time when Robin Hood lived.

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Teenage Fanclub - Bandwagonesque

She wears denim wherever she goes
Says she's gonna get some records by the Status Quo
Oh yeah ... Oh yeah ...

Still she won't be forced against her will
Says she don't do drugs but she does the pill
Oh yeah ... Oh yeah ...

I didn't want to hurt you oh yeah ...
I didn't want to hurt you oh yeah ...

Says she likes my hair 'cause it's down my back
Says she likes the group 'cause we pull in the slack
Oh yeah ... Oh yeah ...

When she's at the gig she takes her car
And she drive us home if it is in a bar
Oh yeah ... Oh yeah ...

I didn't want to hurt you oh yeah ...
I didn't want to hurt you oh yeah ...

I have a short attention span. How short? I once shot a McDs drive-thru employee because she took eight-seconds to put my pack together. Eight-bloody seconds. Do you know what I can do with eight-bloody seconds? I could kick someone's nuts.

So yeah, I don't intend on reading lyrics too much but okay lets see what this song's about. There appears to be many mentions of 'yeah'. And a mention of 'denim'. Swell, I think this is a song about a sexy girl in denim. Yeah ... (like 'yeah').

Shit, there is also a mention of Status Quo. God, I think this is a song about gays. I'm gonna go puke now.

Teenage Fanclub - The Concept (from Bandwagonesque)

Paramore Live in Manila: March 9, 2010

Yes I know what some of you are thinking. Things like:

• "Malaysia has nicer food and cops with tight clothing! Come here instead"
• "Singapore has better public transport and no landed property! Come here instead"
• "We have a red light district in Thailand and lots of pork! Come here instead"

Me, I'm just thinking two things:

• "Haley, blue is definitely not your color. Skin color is. So lose that top", and
• "I think the guy right at the back in the picture above just had an epiphany about being Superman"

Paramore - That's What You Get (from Riot!)

In the papers today...

News Corp and Microsoft's search engine Bing are reported to be ganging up on Google. News Corp is in the process of creating a new code whereby search engines have to pay to access articles from News Corp's affiliated publications like The Wall Street Journal and the New York Post. Microsoft are willing to pay, and thus articles would appear on their search engine Bing. Analysts say that this spells doom for News Corp. It's not because nobody will bother switching search engines just for a few bits of news available anywhere. It's because when you think about it, Rupert + Bing = Rubing. And that's very... shuddurgggh.
This story reminds me of: Tika and the Dissidents - Venus Envy (from The Headless Songstress)

The Large Hadron Collider has just restarted. The $10 billion, 17-mile long particle accelerator that was launched earlier this year had to be shut down numerous times, including a recent incident that was caused by a bird dropping a piece of bread in the machine. Once spinning, the particle accelerator will continue it's search of Higgs' bosom. Scientists are hoping to discov... wha...? Not bosom? Oh, Boson? Is that like a very macho bison? Like, who the heck want's to find Higgs very macho bison? And what's Higgs gonna do while his bosom is missing? Sheesh. Finding bosoms is totally worth US$10 billion.
This story reminds me of: Lake Heartbeat - Pipedream (from Trust In Numbers)

Fossils of an ancient species of super-crocodiles have been discovered. The fossils are said to belong to a type of crocolide that was 40 feet long, weighed eight tons and fed on dinosaurs. They walked on legs, and could run really fast. Scientists have so far assigned them nicknames like BoarCroc, RatCroc, PancakeCroc, DuckCroc and DogCroc. The creatures are ss....pffft.... sorry. Let me continue. Scientists are t-t-trr-yyeeehee... pardon me. No, nothing funny at all. Ummhrmmm. The PancakeCrokkkekeekekekeee... oh huh? No, no, everything's just great. Jussst ggreabwahahahaHAHAHAHA.
This story reminds me of: Say Hi To Your Mum - These Fangs (from Impeccable Blahs)

New Release: SevenCollar T-Shirt - The Great Battle

Battler 1: Maaaate. Checkit out yo.

Battler 2: What?

Battler 1: My new t-shirt. Amazing shitzuz, ain't it?

Battler 2: What's amazing?

Battler 1: Dude! Look at how many collars I got!

Battler 2: Huh?

Battler 1: Hey waddlefoot. Can't you count? One, two, seven! Seven collars, dude! Seventh to tha heaventh!

Battler 2: Ummm.

Battler 1: Plasterdunce! Wassup, beeeyotch! I will whoop yo wussy tush! You evah seen a shirt with seven collars? Evah? Evah?

Battler 2: Man.

Battler 1: Man! Got that right, man! Man is I. I AM THA MAN!

Battler 2: Think I'm gonna watch My Little Pony now.

Battler 1: Oh really?

Battler 2: Yeah. Wanna join?

Battler 1: Hot damn. Let me get my rabbit slippers.

Battler 2: Sure beeyotch.

Track list:

1. TET Offensive
2. Lucky You
3. Wild Child (Here For You)
4. Fragile
5. Fibres
6. The Foreigner
7. December
8. A Dissapearing Act
9. Exiled
10. Lights

British Sea Power heading to these shores?

So apparently, the rumor around town (or if I was honest, the lips of our dead informer that's just returned as a sexy bikini zombie) is that someone's trying to shop the Brighton-based quartet around these shores.

I would be extremely interested to catch them in concert to learn:

1) Their wall-paper peeling abilities
2) How to 'not look cool' with a cigarette, and
3) How to look like a middle-age English-woman (second from right, picture above)

British Sea Power - The Great Skua (from Do You Like Rock Music?)

Look what I found in the bargain bin but did not buy

Skye
Mind How You Go
(Atlantic)

Price: RM9.90

My mom always told me I should never judge a book by its cover, which is strange because I never read. See, I spent most of my developing years trying to speak Romulan to my dog (she just about had it, just needed that additional slur on the tongue). Anyways, about 20 years later, I understood what she meant. So while I would like to take momma's advice, the CD above did make it difficult.

Yes, I have taken mom's advice, as such these days, I always insist on a strip search before I go out on a date with a girl. I mean, she might look like Panthro and all on the outside but hey, you never know on the inside. Strangely, I've gotten quite a few slaps for it, even though I specified why (including the Panthro bit). Must've been the way I asked.

Skye - No Other (from Mind How You Go)

Rarity on the Rarity: Let Down

Pedro the Lion
Let Down
(Jadetree)
Rare factor: Lazy Radiohead cover on a rare limited edition tour EP? Yeah, that's what we thought.

Dave takes a rare stab at Thom Yorke's yodel on this cover that's parked at the end of a rare 'live in the studio' album. And I know what you must be thinking, why is his name Dave and not Pedro. My assumption is that Pedro is his pet lion, the one he rides around with. Which would instantly make him about 40% more He-Man than the average man. Now to just work on his hair, any hair. And maybe some of the gut. And the prophet-like facial hair. Holy cow, he's no He-Man.

Pedro the Lion - Let Down (Radiohead)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Broken Social Scene - Anthems for a Seventeen Year-Old Girl

Used to be one of the rotten ones and he liked you for that.
Used to be one of the rotten ones and he liked you for that.
Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.

Now you're all gone got your make-up on and you're not coming back.
Can't you come back?

Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.
Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.
Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.

Now you're all gone got your make-up on and you're not coming back.

Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under your breath.
Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under your breath.
Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under your breath.
Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under my window.

Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.

Park that car, drop that phone.
Park that car, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone.
Park that car, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone.

Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.
Now you're all gone got your make-up on and you're not coming back.

Kevin: I'm in a mood to cheat someone
Emily: But you cheat someone everyday
Kevin: Oh I do? When was the last time I cheated?
Emily: Like 5-minutes ago, when you told Leslie that you're Superman and that she might be Lois?
Kevin: He he, that's a good one eh?
Emily: So what are you thinking of doing?
Kevin: Oh you know, write some lazy song that repeats a line about a million times and tag 'Seventeen Year-Old Girl' to the title. Should be a hit
Emily: You think that will work?
Kevin: Not sure about the song but a 'Seventeen Year-Old Girl' will always work
Emily: You mean as a hit?
Kevin: No as in just work in general
Emily: Oh ... cause you're Superman?
Kevin: You're damn right Mary Jane
Emily: You mean Lois
Kevin: The same thing

Broken Social Scene - Anthems for a Seventeen Year-Old Girl (from You Forgot It In People)

The Killers Live in Singapore: Jan 24, Indoor Stadium

Soldier: Captain, we're completely surrounded and there appears to be no more backup on the way. Looks like this is it.

Captain: Ah this could well be our final swansong lad. How are you feeling about it?

Soldier: I want to pee.

Captain: Well what are you waiting for, no one should wait to empty your bladder. Do it over there by the bush.

Soldier: But I need a toilet sir. And you mustn't look.

Captain: That's nonsense son do you think I would be interested in looking at you? You who appears to be wearing some well cut pants and a package that's peeking out front? Why would I?

Soldier: Sir, that's not me, that's Brandon Flowers, the super assassin they've sent our way to finish us off.

Captain: Oh sorry, was distracted by a gumball wrapper on the ground. Ah yes, what do you want of us ye harbinger of death?

Brandon: I'm Mr Brightside.

Captain: What on earth are you on about son. If you want to kill us go ahead, if not state your purpose.

Brandon: Well somebody told me you had a boyfriend who looks like a girlfriend.

Captain: Ah that would be this soldier here then.

Soldier: But sir, I'm just an hetero Asian man. I'm not your girlfriend.

Captain: Ah what nonsense, he's just shy, go on ahead, take him. And yes, take his rifle too, and his sexy boxers. On second thought, hold it, I'll keep the boxers.

Note: Tickets from $128 to $168 go on sale Nov 23 at Sistic outlets

The Killers - Glamorous Indie Rock & Roll (from Hot Fuss)

65daysofstatic live in Singapore: March 13, 2010, Esplanade

Yay! We have a new informer (after the last one choked on a burrito and fell off a cliff). Say hello to Hornbill. She carries a large horn and she likes settling our bills. Our kind of girl.

Anyways, Hornbill has just informed us that post-rock-core-metal-steel-mill band 65daysofstatic is slated for a date in this region around March. She has also informed us that she is just dying to pay a bill for us, so we've decided to point her towards the electric company to pay for our power bill. After all, maintaining 325 women and 300 vibrators can be quite expensive from an electrical perspective. Oh, the 25? We hired them to run around the compound and shout 'Cowabunga'. We thought it would be funny.

65daysofstatic - Don't Go Down to Sorrow (from The Destruction of Small Ideas)

The Sick Sick Six: Things To Do In The Dark

Yeah, I know: Halloween was shite. There was no candy, no costumes and no fat turd stepping on a paper bag full of poo. Just another day.

Of course I'm talking about you. Not me. I'm like a completely different breed of party animal, yo (vodkatus yumalotus, they call me). So yeah, my Halloween was so totally bodacious, like every other Friday night, except that the stripper costumes were actually compulsory (usually only the Y-strings are).

But so anyways, back to you. Yes you, the fat turd with poo-stained feet. You've got almost one whole year from now to ensure that your next Halloween ends up with mountains of candy being fed to you by three witches with pineapples for hats. Just follow my six-step money-back guarentee plan for things to do in the dark.

STEP 1 - Eye
Yes, the first thing to do is to eye. Whaddaya mean, how you do eye? Oh sheesh. C'mere, lemme show you. You just put your hands up like this, start moving west, and... Oh oops, sorry. Whozzat? Flounder! My, what nice eyes you got. Oh don't mind me. I'm just eyeing. Hey, what's that shiny pointy thing? Is that like your happy flappy flipper?

STAB!

See we're off to a good start already.
Bhuddistson - Eyes In The Dark (from SLOWDANCE Wisely and Slow, They Stumble That Dance Fast)

STEP 2 - Dance
Now that you've mastered the art of eyeing, it's time to get those other body parts moving in darkness. That's right, babeh: dance, dance, dance! So c'mon, shake those wings. Uhuh, uhuh, doosh, doosh, doo... what? You got no wings? Whaddaya mean you dance with feet? Who the cockadoodledo does that? Oh goodness. You're so going to have a shitty 31 Oct dude.
Paolo Delfino - Dance In The Dark (from In Between The Odds & Evens)

STEP 3 - Go left and right
Ok, you gotta get this one. It's real easy: while eyeing and dancing with your wings (or your feet if you got no wings, fatso), start moving left, and then right. It's important that you move left first before you move right, ok? That's good. You're not too shabby mate. Oh yeah, that reminds me, did you hear of the dude whose whole left side was blown off? Well, he's all right now.

STAB!

Flounder, stop it!
Julian Casablancas - Left Right In The Dark (from Phrazes For The Young)

STEP 4 - Look for diamonds
So while I go hunting for my eye, you keep yourself occupied by looking for diamonds. Well of course they come out better in the dark. What, you think Leonardo DiCaprio goes diamond hunting with sunnies or sumthin? Huh? Wha...? Oh. Umm. Well keep looking!
Mystery Jets - Diamonds In The Dark (from Making Dens)

STEP 5 - Get even
Oh look, diamonds! Go get it! What? Why you squealing like that? Oh, sorry. Chainsaws and diamonds all look the same in the dark. Here, have a mint.
Company of Thieves - Even In The Dark (from Ordinary Riches)

STEP 6 - Just be
Ah ok, I can see now. Well look at you! All pro-looking and stuff. Righto then, one last step: you just gotta be in the dark. Just be. No, don't even scratch. Heck no, don't even sneeze! Matter of fact, don't even breathe. Yeah, just follow after me. Just be in the dark. Just bbb... the... jjjuss... hey, is that Flounderrr...

THUD
The Whigs - In The Dark (from In The Dark)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Wilco - She's a Jar

She's a jar
With a heavy lid
My pop quiz kid
A sleepy kisser
A pretty war
With feelings hid
She begs me not to miss her

She says forever
To light a fuse
We could use
A hand full of wheel
And a day off
And a bruised road
However you might feel
Tonight is real

When I forget how to talk, I sing
Wont you please
Bring that flash to shine
And turn my eyes red
Unless they close
When you click
And my face gets sick
Stuck
Like a question unposed

Just climb aboard
The tracks of a trains arm
In my fragile family tree
And watch me floating inches above
The people under me

Please beware the quiet front yard
I warned you
Before there were water skies
I warned you not to drive
Dry your eyes, you poor devil

Are there really ones like these?
The ones I dream
Float like leaves
And freeze to spread skeleton wings
I passed through before I knew you

I believe it's just because
Daddy's payday is not enough
Oh, I believe it's all because
Daddy's payday is not enough

Just climb aboard
The tracks of a trains arm
In my fragile family tree
And watch me floating inches above
The people under me

She's a jar
With a heavy lid
My pop quiz kid
A sleepy kisser
A pretty war
With feelings hid
You know she begs me not to hit her

Jeff Tweedy sure knows his way around words. Rather then spend time digging up lovely adjectives to call his woman, he decides to just call her a household appliance. It's brilliant. No more 'honey pie' or 'resplendent angel' anymore in this world, replaced by 'vacuum cleaner' and 'garden hose'.

I've decided that the next girl I marry, I will call her 'detergent', and the one after that can be 'washing machine', and the one after that can be 'clothes dryer'. Thematically, we should be a pretty happy family.

Wilco - She's a Jar (from Summerteeth)

ZOMG, now Laneway is moving to Singapore in Feb 2010? This is bloody nonsense

Soldier: I can't keep them at bay anymore captain

Captain: You have to do it lad, if not they will invade and eat all your 'nasi lemak' and claim it as theirs

Soldier: But sir, it's a losing battle. We are outnumbered. All we have so far is some Pearl Jam rumor that smells like fart just about now.

Captain: What are you talking about son, we're in the middle of a war here, and you talk about fart? By the way, mine smells like peas and burned rubber.

Soldier: Mine smells like pork lard and lime.

Captain: Okay back to the battle, what do you reckon this new witchery they have is?

Soldier: It's some Australian festival sir. Fairly huge. Once featured Broken Social Scene and Feist in its lineup. This year's include Echo and the Bunnymen, Mercury Prize nominee Florence and the Machine and even The xx.

Captain: The xx ... is that porn son? How can you think of porn at a time like this. By the way, I like Asians.

Soldier: What Asians sir? You mean Asian porn?

Captain: No, Asian men.

Soldier: But I'm Asian sir ...

Captain: ... (hehe)

More info here

Florence and the Machine - The Girl With 1 Eye (from Lungs)
The xx - Fantasy (from xx)

In the papers today...

The New Jersey Nets are renting out their players for US$25,000. In a program called 'Your Ticket to a Player', the NBA team are offering a bunch of exclusive tickets to basketball games, plus the chance to have one of their players appear for one hour at any private function of a fan. It is seen as the latest marketing effort by the team, who are trying to survive the sluggish US economy. Unfortunately, the players aren't to keen on the idea, and the day after the program was launched, they formed a protest group called the Basketballers And Lazy Loser Supporters Never Hang Out Society (aka BALLSNHOS).
This story reminds me of: Pretty and Nice - Grab Your Nets (from Blue & Blue)

This year marks the 50th anniversary of Asterix and Obelix, and in celebration, the creators have released a new book entitled The Birthday of Asterix and Obelix. It's all very touching actually, how the world has warmed up to this story of a small, ugly French chap and his whiny fat friend who managed to fight back the Italians. I mean, you'd think football is one of those sports where... Whaa... what? Not football? Huh, what do you mean it's a comic? Huh? You mean it's not the autobiography of Franck Ribéry and William Gallas? Who the heck cares then! Sheesh.
This story reminds me of: Intensive Care - Le Magicien (from Fairytales from the Island)

NASA has just launched its new rocket, called the Ares I-X rocket. The spaceship will eventually replace the space shuttle as the craft of choice for American astronauts to fly into space. It is almost 330 feet, and contains over 700 onboard censors. Yes, that's so that astronauts will be focused on flying rather than watching Strip Space Nine or Rockin' the Rocket or Fully Thrusting or ...Huh... what? Oh, not censors? What? Sensors? Why? Who the heck needs sensors on a rocket? Don't they just shoot it and it blows up everything around it and... huh? Whaddaya mean it's not that kinda rocket? So who's gonna fight Galactus then, huh? Completely no foresight. Double sheesh.
This story reminds me of: Caithlin De Marrais - Outer Space is Still Sexy (from My Magic City)

Latest rumour: Kings Of Convenience in Singapore Jan 2010

All right, another rumour! We really love our Rumour Giver Guys, they never seem to fail in providing the most accurate, up-to-date info. I mean, they might as well be employed by the UN or Facebook or something, the way they just get things done. World peace, yo.

Hey, why are you aiming that thing at me for?!? Excuse me, put that away. I'll have you know that we have very strict requirements outlined whenever it comes time to hire another Rumour Giver Guy. We conduct no less than 18 interviews, put them through 5 tests, and make sure their biceps are at least 2/3rds the size of ours.

With that in mind, it brings me great joy to introduce you the two newest hires who will be joining our workforce:

Ummhmm, meet Calvin and Charles, assigned to supply us with intricate insider knowledge all future gigs happening in and around this region. I know. I see you peeing in your pants already at the prospects. I also see you... hey, I said to put that away! Hey, stop aiming that at me! Dude, I'm warning you. No! No! No... N....


Kings Of Convenience - Me In You (from Declaration of Dependence)

Yeah Yeah Yeahs in Singapore, 12 Jan

SCENE 32 INT BATHROOM - MORNING

It's a sunny day. Mr and Mrs Yeah have just woken up and are getting ready to go to work.

MRS YEAH
(sweetly) Yeah.

MR YEAH
Yeah, Yeah?

Mrs Yeah points outside the window. The garbage is piling up on the pavement. She turns to Mr Yeah with an inquisitive look.

MR YEAH
Oh yeah...

Mrs Yeah taps on her wristwatch.

MRS YEAH
(sweetly) Yeah?

MR YEAH
(nods) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mr Yeah taps on the zipper of his pants. He turns to Mrs Yeah and gives her an inquisitive look. Mrs Yeah isn't paying attention. She is flossing.

MR YEAH
(suggestively) Yeah?

MRS YEAH
Yeah, Yeah?

Mr Yeah taps on the zipper of his pants once more. Mrs Yeah turns to look at him.

MR YEAH
(even more suggestively) Yeah?

Mrs Yeah looks down at his pants.

MRS YEAH
Oh... yeah, yeah, yeah...

Mrs Yeah grabs Mr Yeah by the pants, and suplexes him through the bathroom floor and into the basement. Mrs Yeah keeps flossing.

MR YEAH

(distant voice) Oh yeah...

FADE OUT

Date: Tuesday, 12 January 2010
Time: 7.30pm
Venue: Esplanade Concert Hall, Singapore
Tickets: S$68, S$88, S$108, S$128, S$148 (excluding SISTIC charges)

Visit the Facebook event page or SISTIC website for more details.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Down Boy (from Is Is EP)

Rarity on the Rarity: I Have the Moon

Lush
I Have the Moon
(Polydor)
Rare factor: The Magnetic Fields cover on the OST for Nowhere

Let's all start claiming huge floating objects. I have the sun (ouch). I have Jupiter. I have Mars (damn dusty). I have Hitler's Zeppelin. I have Pluto (eh, the dog). I have rubby ducky. I have man boobs. Oh indeed I do. Nice.

Lush - I Have the Moon

Placebo in Indonesia: Feb 2010

There are some bands, you just feel, they like Asian food too much.

Like Placebo for example. Just look at them, you can already tell Brian loves to chow down to a nice large plate of 'Nasi Lemak Ayam'. Otherwise why would he come here so often. Never mind 'Nasi Lemak Ayam' is a Malaysian (yeah!) dish and the band has technically never been to Malaysia, I am currently prophesying that they are going to. And from what I figure, what I prophesy, tends to come true. Take Rachel for example, I prophesied that she would be by my side in 5 days and in 5 days, she was. Granted she has since turned a little pudgy on the sides and grown a full mane of chest hair, but I still have faith that it's her although most of my friends tell me she's ran away months ago and that the person I've been making out with is someone named Julio. What do they know anyway? What we have is special ...

... come here my sweet thing. Oh, you've grown a mustache too. Smoking.

Details:

Date: 16th February 2009 (Tuesday)
Venue: Istora Senayan, Jakarta

Placebo - Come Home (from Placebo)

Let's get lyrical, lyrical: Bright Eyes - We Are Nowhere and It's Now

If you hate the taste of wine
Why do you drink it till you're blind?
And if you swear that there's no truth and who cares
How come you say it like you're right?
Why are you scared to dream of God
When it's salvation that you want?
You see stars that clear have been dead for years
But the idea just lives on

In our wheels that roll around
As we move over the ground
And all day it seems we've been in between
A past and future town

We are nowhere and it's now
We are nowhere and it's now

And like a ten minute dream in the passenger's seat
While the world was flying by
I haven't been gone very long
But it feels like a lifetime

I've been sleeping so strange at night
Side effects they don't advertise
I've been sleeping so strange
With a head full of pesticide

I've got no plans and too much time
I feel too restless to unwind
I'm always lost in thought as I walk a block
To my favorite neon sign

Where the waitress looks concerned
But she never says a word
Just turns the jukebox on and we hum along
And I smile back at her

And my friend comes after work
When the features start to blur
She says these bars are filled with things that kill
By now you probably should have learned

Did you forget that yellow bird?
But how could you forget your yellow bird?
She took a small silver wreath and pinned it onto me
She said this one will bring you love
And I don't know if it's true
But I keep it for good luck

I'm trying this 'head full of pesticide' thing.

I've emptied 10 cans into my head and I'm beginning to feel something. Actually, I'm feeling nothing. As in I can't feel my arms and legs. Strange, I can see them and I swear they were there a moment ago. Oh wait, I can't see them anymore. Who turned off the lights. Show yourself ...

(10 seconds late) ... I'mzzz azzz feaaliingzzzz taiyerdddzzzz ...

(another 10 seconds later) ... *thud*

(another 10 seconds after that) ... Hey, it sure is hot in here. Oh hi, how are you. Oh, what's up with the pitchfork?

Bright Eyes - We Are Nowhere and It's Now (from I'm Wide Awake and It's Morning)

Belle & Sebastian, Singapore, Jan 2010 rumours? Enough alreadyyy...

It has been offically decreed that January 2010 will be known as the International Day Of Gigging Around Splendid Singapore month (also known as DOGASS month).

Who decreed that, you're asking? Oh, dear dork face; me of course. You've obviously not seen my other decrees, have you? Like on 25 May 2003 when I anointed it as the Globally Awesome Worldwide Day In Recognising A Woman's Knees (now commonly known as GAWDIRAWK), or on 6 February 1964 when I announced the start of Rapunzel's Annual Workers Konsul Involving Greco-American Wrestling Dudes (better hailed as RAWKIGAWD). Sheesh, get with it, man. Oh well, lucky for you there's still time. Look out for my next decree, on 8 December 2009. It's called Yemen's Ultimate Underwater Search, Adventure And Konvention (aka YUUSAAK).

Belle & Sebastain - Don't Leave the Light on Baby (from Fold Your Hands Child, You Walk Like A Peasant)

New Release: Hujan - Mencari Konklusi

Hujan are looking for a conclusion. I am full of conclusions. So in the spirit of selfless living that my self-help guru Sensei Saki Onmai Daki (he's Turkish) has been teaching me to aspire towards, I now offer Hujan a few free conclusions:

- Turtle shells go great with leopard pants.
- Wilbur is 37 times more than Frank.
- Parking spots are best parked into when munching on alfalfa.
- This is not that. That is.

Stunning stuff, yo? Thanks, Sensei. Now tie my laces.

Track list:

1. 2nd Airwave (Malam Minggu)
2. Obsesi
3. Mencari Konklusi
4. Kau Harus Ada
5. Benci
6. Romantik
7. Sangkar Besi Di Hatiku

Pearl Jam in Malaysia next month? Take thaaaaaaaat ...

Apparently some prominent concert organizer is trying to bring the Seattle grunge gods over for a block-rocking show. Yes, a concert organizer. I know, even we are shocked why it's not an ice cream seller. Yeesh.

Nevermind that a Pearl Jam show over at this side of the causeway is unlikely to not be followed by a show at the other side of the causeway, at the moment, the buzz is all on this side. So I am going to take this opportunity to say, take that!

Oh by the way, I've since tricked Pantsy to move from those three horse gonads to a baboon's pink bottom. He thinks it's an eggplant. Say what you want, the boy loves his vegetables. A lot.

Pearl Jam - Black (from Ten)

Buzzcocks to play Bangkok on Nov 28 and Malaysia on Nov 8: There's a good porn joke in here somewhere

Look at that picture above.

That's the future face of punk rock for you. Yes, no one stays cigarette-skinny. Cause after awhile, pork lard is just too good to resist and you happen to marry a girl that, above worshiping the holy ground you walk on, also specializes in, yep, you guessed it - a pork lard dish. Then you shower one day and those lovely locks you used to be able to spike up with rebellious abandonment starts shedding. And next thing you know, you wake up one day looking like someone's Uncle Sunny.

Just want to remind everyone that I am damn punk man. Like seriously.

Details:

Malaysia

Date: 8 Nov
Venue: 1Cafe KL, 4pm.
Prices: RM50 (door sale only)

Thailand

Date: 28th November 2009 (Saturday)
Venue: Club Culture, Bangkok, Thailand
Doors: 9pm, show starts at 10pm
Prices: 650 Baht (advance/pre-sale), 800 Baht (at the door) – inclusive of 1 drink
Tickets: Available at Club Culture on Sri Ayudhaya Road, DJ Siam at Siam Square Soi 4 and The Tube on Coco Walk Ratchetewi BTS

The Buzzcocks - Soul On a Rock (from Modern)

Groan, +/- also to play Singapore: Dec 16

Bloody shit.

It's not funny okay? I know I did pinch that girl's bum during Form 1 history class, and I did lie to Pantsy about that horse gonad being an asparagus but seriously, this punishment is not equatable to the crime. It wasn't even that big a gonad. And plus, Pantsy's got a big mouth. He could easily take two of those in. What was that? He's taken in three??? Shit man, that's a miracle. A horse with three gonads.

+/- - Snowblind (from Xs On Your Eyes)

Andrew Bird Live in Singapore: Jan 26, Esplanade Concert Hall

Shit, it's another one. This is like someone taking a dump on my hands and me getting slapped in the face with those same hands after that.

On another note, some of us are seriously still quite happy with these developments. In case you must know, Pantsy still has his sexy lips around the gonads of a horse. He hasn't quite realized it's not an asparagus yet.

Andrew Bird - Imitosis (from Armchair Apocrypha)

Cat Power Live in Singapore: Jan 13, Esplanade Concert Hall

Damn our causeway neighbors.

Just when you think we've gotten a few over them (hint: Singapore mee hoon and err ... hawker food), we've gone an taken a beating in the concert department. A Green Day/Cat Power-filled 2 days down south is tempting even for someone as placid as Pantsy. He's gotten so excited, he's bitten the gonads of a horse thinking it's an asparagus.

Cat Power - Dreams (from The Greatest (Japanese version))

Green Day: Jan 14, 2010 at Singapore Indoor Stadium

Listening to Green Day's music always takes me back to this one specific hour in my life.

In that hour, I woke up, brushed my teeth, had grilled pork knuckles for breakfast (the only brekkie for me), flew to school, beat up the school bully 56 times in an hour, whisked the best looking girl in school for some smooch-a-rama at the nearest 7-Eleven, came back home on a high, got kicked in the nuts by my dad for being late, as a result I crapped my pants, I cried running into my room, I decided to be a super villain with my super powers, I walked out to tell my dad, he kicked me in the nuts again, my voice was permanently changed - the end.

I can't quite decide if I like Green Day or not.

Green Day - She (from Dookie)